oh just announced he isn't getting me anything for christmas. Again.

[dimbo]

My oh always tries to get away with not getting me presents. He doesn't save any money, or keep track of his finances in the couple of weeks before the date.

Last weekend he went to his friends for the weekend which used about £40 - £50 worth of fuel - on the pretense of delivering a mobile phone to them. I have no issue with him seeing his friends but as we are quite skint at the moment and I know I am bottom of the priority pile I did say "you know it'd only cost about £4 to post the phone down? you'll be saying you've got no money to buy me a christmas present next week" he just tried to make out I was stopping him seeing his friends which was way off the mark.

And as predicted, after a nice weekend with his friends he's just said "I have a choice between buying you a christmas present or buying food and petrol and enduring your wrath again. Great"

I feel like I'm playing cliche bingo here! I knew he'd do it! I should add that I don't expect much - a box of chocolates or a paperback book, anything like that is fine, just to say here's something that I picked out for you. (I'd also be perfectly happy or even more happy with vouchers for backrubs, or for him to cook a meal for me for once, or something else that was free, but he'd never think to do this, and if I suggested it he'd say "well now you've told me to do that it's hardly a surprise, so what's the point")

And yes we are usually skint but I've managed to save and buy him a much coveted xbox game which was £35, and I know he's going to love it as it means he can play it online with his mates so it gives them an opportunity to stay in touch more (they have headsets on and chat whilst playing)

It's christmas, it's not like they change the fucking date every year! it's not hard to keep a fiver or so back. To me it just says that he doesn't care, I'm not important, and he doesn't want the hassle of having to get me anything. If he was remotely bothered about me he would have saved something (He forgets that he comes home and tells me what he bought from starbucks or mcdonalds that day instead of taking sandwiches, despite me buying lunch ingredients in)

Also, he keeps reminding me that he he has to do secret santa for some bloke at work. It fucking sucks that he's probably going to buy some bloke he doesn't even know in a back office a christmas present, and not even get one for his own partner.

[SerenityX]

Two wrongs don't make a right. Keep the XBox game as a present for him.

He sounds like a kid. That is not how grown ups act. Persoanlly I would buy him a self help on growing up.

Tell him you want to have an adult to adult conversation. In a calm manner discuss your future and your ideas of marriage. I assume you did this before marrying him? Tell him if he wants to stay married then he needs to step up and act like a man.

I suspect though with him wanting the XBox game he doesn't want to grow up.

[Fibilou]

We aren't buying presents this year as we have baby on the way and there is nothing we really want.
I wouldn't like your situation though OP, that's not fair.

[tigerbear]

LovinSealCracker seems to insinuate that it's a wind up...
Correct me if I'm wrong Seal...

[tigerbear]

Was this thread by a troll?

[LadyVolupta]

DO NOT GIVE HIM THE XBOX....HE IS A WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY....when me and my other half were skint we put a budget of a fiver for a gift...plus a home made gift...no matter how ridiculous they were...because we LOVE each other...he sounds so dodgy to me!!!...tell him to JOG ON!!!!!!!!!!!

[violet101]

I agree take the game back, get a refund and treat yourself.

He doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve treatment like this. It'll never change if you don't take a stand.

Be strong!

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

I think we did isitmeor

she didn't hear what she wanted to hear....

[IsItMeOrSanta]

Did we scare off the OP?

[ThumbleBells]

Dittany is fab! that was a great post. I don't always agree with her but that was bang on. And Habbibu - good stuff there too.

OP - whatever you do, do NOT let your OH read this thread. It will do you NO GOOD AT ALL. It worked for joeybettany because it WASN'T HER posting. Your OH would have several kinds of fit and would end up agreeing with all your self-deprecations, plus it would give him even more control over you, knowing which buttons "work" best on you, for e.g. 'he has to put up with me looking like a sack of shit' (paraphrasing, I haven't time to quote exactly). So all he has to do is say to you "you're lucky I put up with you when you look like a sack of shit" and bingo! There's your reinforcement of your own paranoia/low self-esteem, which instantly takes another chunk out of you.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

oo ta, annie

< shameful attention-seeker >

[Anniegetyourgun]

AF, you're lovely too

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

< humpf > that bloody dittany gets all the best lines

[Leeka]

Great post, Buda.

[Habbibu]

"I want her to go into the world knowing what a kind and caring man looks like, how he sounds, how he treats her, so that that will be her standard and she will disbeliebe anyone who tries to tell her she has no value." - great stuff, pagwatch - agree utterly. I'm glad that dd and ds have a great role model in their father.

OP, no, there are no perfect men, just as there are no perfect women. But there is a big gap between the man you're describing and the "perfect" man, and lots of bloody good men in that gap. Good men don't turn into twats because of the women they are with - they are either thoughtless or they're not, regardless of who they are being thoughtless about.

I find it impossibly sad when people define someone as "good" simply because they don't do horrible things, such as gamble, cheat or be violent. I define dh as good because he's kind, thoughtful, affectionate, and makes me laugh - not because he doesn't hit me...

[maeggee]

Hi dimbo I hope you are going to do something about it because you made me think about mine and I made a decision not to get him a thing

[JoeyBettany]

yesterday evening SAHM baby brain

[JoeyBettany]

I've been watching this thread and my DH is one of those men who leave present buying until the last minute, very annoying; he always buys something but it's a big stress.

Anyway, I left this thread on the computer and sure enough he's read it, and wednesday evening, he was busy clicking on Amazon, buying me some presents which I actually want and will be delivered in time!

So thanks Mumsnet

Dimbo, any chance you could leave the thread lying around as it were?

[maeggee]

who in their right mind would not love a present from dear husband? anybody in their right mind would enjoy it , xmas birthday , but you know what sister you not the only one in this case , I have sometimes the feeling that there is no more stupid than us to keep them happy by buying them presents they cant bother to return ,for the first time in 10 years I am not gonna get him a rats ass neither for his birthday or xmas

[pagwatch]

oh we all have a crush on dittany.
She was very rude to me once and i felt definite stirings. She was all "well pagwatch i think you will find..." and i was torn between horror and

I had this vision of winged glasses and a hairbun

and [sigh]

[cheerfulvicky]

agrees with YouKnow
(although I've had a girl-crush on dittany for some time )

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

[cory]

I think as children, our suspicions were that she actually wanted to feel a bit martyred at this stage. Understandable of course- he had messed up, she was hard done by- but also very unproductive. We wanted to see a big strong clever mummy who got out of bed and made people do whatever she needed to feel good about herself.

[cory]

I agree that kicking someone out because he has cocked up over Christmas presents seems a bit extreme. Otoh suffering in silence doesn't really make for a very good Christmas experience either.

I still cringe at the memory of my mother's 50th. My Dad is a wonderful loving person, and has been a great husband to her but there is no denying that he cocked up badly on that occasion. It's a BIG thing in their culture, one of the big life events, not quite on a par with a wedding, but definitely bigger than say an 18th. And money was tight, and he hadn't given any thought to a present. I don't know why tbh- her teenage children had managed to get organised and get a present arranged- but he hadn't; it seems the combination of big expectations and no money made him act like a rabbit caught in the headlights. He turned up at her bedside with a vague promise of something nice later on (30 years later, I still don't think that something nice has materialised). Cue: mother sobbing forlornly in bed to the embarrassment and concealed irritation of her children. Not a day we can look back on with any kind of pleasure.

I have often thought of it since and wondered what could have been done to save the whole thing (and no, divorce hasn't been one of my thoughts). Imo things could have been done at various stages to save the whole thing.

First, obviously he should have thought about the whole thing a bit earlier. He should have saved up for something, however small.

Secondly, when the day came and he hadn't, he could have done some quick thinking. Written her a nice voucher for something that would happen in the summer, to give him time to save up.

And thirdly, if he hadn't done anything and proved incapable of quick thinking (tbh he's not the quickest thinker on the planet), then she could have taken command. 'Well dear, I understand things are tight, but I find I actually do need a present to feel good about today, so this is how I would like you to do it.' And then suggesting something that didn't cost money/could be saved up for, anything that would have made that day a bit more bearable. Not anybody's ideal solution, of course, but better than letting it fester- as it did for a long time.