oh just announced he isn't getting me anything for christmas. Again.

[dimbo]

My oh always tries to get away with not getting me presents. He doesn't save any money, or keep track of his finances in the couple of weeks before the date.

Last weekend he went to his friends for the weekend which used about £40 - £50 worth of fuel - on the pretense of delivering a mobile phone to them. I have no issue with him seeing his friends but as we are quite skint at the moment and I know I am bottom of the priority pile I did say "you know it'd only cost about £4 to post the phone down? you'll be saying you've got no money to buy me a christmas present next week" he just tried to make out I was stopping him seeing his friends which was way off the mark.

And as predicted, after a nice weekend with his friends he's just said "I have a choice between buying you a christmas present or buying food and petrol and enduring your wrath again. Great"

I feel like I'm playing cliche bingo here! I knew he'd do it! I should add that I don't expect much - a box of chocolates or a paperback book, anything like that is fine, just to say here's something that I picked out for you. (I'd also be perfectly happy or even more happy with vouchers for backrubs, or for him to cook a meal for me for once, or something else that was free, but he'd never think to do this, and if I suggested it he'd say "well now you've told me to do that it's hardly a surprise, so what's the point")

And yes we are usually skint but I've managed to save and buy him a much coveted xbox game which was £35, and I know he's going to love it as it means he can play it online with his mates so it gives them an opportunity to stay in touch more (they have headsets on and chat whilst playing)

It's christmas, it's not like they change the fucking date every year! it's not hard to keep a fiver or so back. To me it just says that he doesn't care, I'm not important, and he doesn't want the hassle of having to get me anything. If he was remotely bothered about me he would have saved something (He forgets that he comes home and tells me what he bought from starbucks or mcdonalds that day instead of taking sandwiches, despite me buying lunch ingredients in)

Also, he keeps reminding me that he he has to do secret santa for some bloke at work. It fucking sucks that he's probably going to buy some bloke he doesn't even know in a back office a christmas present, and not even get one for his own partner.

[FabIsVeryHappy]

He is never going to change unless he has reason too.

By not buying you a gift he is clearly saying you are not worth any thought.

[MadameOvary]

You sound very very weary and all too used to his selfish ways.
Do you not deserve better?

[LizzyLordsALeaping]

Is he generally thoughtless anyway?

DH doesn't ever make a big deal of Christmas and birthdays for me tbh, but throughout the year he'll show how he feels about me, so I am not upset by it.

To be fair, he did go and buy me something very expensive a few years back and I told him off, so that is probably why he gives me his Credit card, a budget and then wraps up what I have chosen for myself. We don't spend a lot on each other, we never do.

I think you do need to talk to him, it sounds daft but he may genuinely not understand that his non-gift giving is upsetting you.

[diddl]

We haven´t bought each other presents since we´ve had the children.

It´s bliss, haven´t really known what to buy each other for years!

[ChickensHaveNoTinsel]

If you give him a gift, you effectively saying that his happiness is important, but yours is not. All the while you are making excuses for him, he will carry on being a selfish man-child. FFS, my 9 year old ds has chosen to buy people christmas presents out of his pocket money, because he wants to see them smile. Sorry, but your OH will continue to treat you as an after thought all the time you let him.

[diddl]

I wouldn´t give him present either-I´d rather give it to a stranger!

[FakePlasticChristmasTrees]

Dimbo - why are you now defending him? You said it in your OP - it's once a year, the date never moves. It's not like a birthday when he has to remember a special date, there's been christmas adverts for a couple of months now. He's had lots of reminders and he has choosen to spend his money on something else.

You even pointed out to him that it was nearly christmas when he went away for the weekend, so he had the fact he was making a choice to spend the money on seeing his friends rather than buying a gift for you made clear. He has not suddenly run out of cash, he's made a decision to spend it on something else that is more important to him than buying you a gift.

You aren't expecting him to spend a lot, but to think about you. You have thought about what would make him happy and gone without something for yourself to pay for it - I'm sure you could have found a nice way to spend that £35 on yourself. He has decided to spend his money on things to make him happy.

[TrippleBerryFairy]

No, dimbo should not give him anything. If she will he will not learn the lesson and will do it over and over again.

Why dimbo would like to make him happy when in return he makes her feel miserable? That is a good question.
It doesn't matter he works hard, I bet dimbo does the same.

Iklboo's proposed present is what he should be getting. Or absolutely nothing, not even a mention of a present.

[dimbo]

Fakeplastictrees, I don't know, I suppose it's natural to defend someone you love - he does work hard, and he's a good man in many ways, but he is selfish and I recognise this.

I can't really blame him for choosing a weekend away with his mates rather than going shopping to buy me a present. It's not much of a competition is it? lol

If I'd had £35 to spend on myself, well, I wouldn't spend that much on myself to be honest. I'm turning into my mother!

[colditz]

Photocopy a picture of the game you got him. Take the game back and spend the money on something lovely for yourself, to wrap and put under the tree. Put his photocopied picture in a cheap card for him to open, along with the message - "look at what you'd have received if you'd spent 20 seconds thinking of me this year, you selfish cunt. Enjoy celibacy!"

[colditz]

OMG Iklboo, we must be secret twins!

[dimbo]

lol - tempting!

Maybe I should keep his game for myself and get very good at playing racing cars with his best friends, that'd teach him.

[Iklboo]

Lol colditz - great minds!

[Anniegetyourgun]

I love playing computer games (I'm 50! ) and I used to work very hard up in town - nowadays I work locally under rather less pressure, thank goodness - but I still always managed to get presents for the nearest and dearest. Well, nearly always cough That's because I care and like to see them happy. And because it's the right thing to do. Yon P needs a good boot up the backside until he sees the error of his ways. If you like presents he should like to give you them. Miserable git.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Excellent, Dimbo. You do that.

[IsItMeOr]

dimbo err, I'm confident my DH would prefer to buy me a small present rather than going for a weekend away with his mates. He'd save it by taking a packed-lunch to work if needs be (he has done this when he wanted something for himself).

But then, as others have said, he shows me he loves me through lots of small, meaningful gestures throughout the year, and will always try to think of something I would like for Christmas/birthday.

I don't think I'm a cruel person, but I honestly wouldn't keep buying presents for somebody who never buys one for me in return. I'd assume I was embarrassing them, when they were making it so plain that they didn't want to "do" presents.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Hi Dimbo,

re your comment:-

"But you know what (some) men are like, they're just big kids"

Do return the bloody X Box game back to the shop and get a refund.

You are also allowing this to continue by your actions too. I do not mean that unkindly but you seem to be giving him permission almost to treat you poorly (such excuses like the above for instance). Often this sort of crap gets pulled on women over time and the woman on the receiving end does not really notice such behaviour to start with because it is insidious in its onset.

Also in response to your comment above well not all of them are big kids at all (some of them are actually kind and mature human beings) but you've landed yourself with certainly one selfish cocklodger here. He thinks nothing of the mother of his children if he cannot even be asked to buy you a present for Christmas or your birthday. His friends are far more important to him than you are; you're just there to service his needs as and when he requires them.

What's he say if and when the subject of marriage comes up?. Bet he'd run a mile from actually committing to you but is more than happy to have two children by you.

I sincerely hope your name is also on the mortgage and or the title deeds.

All his behaviours just shows a complete lack of respect for you as a person. These men rarely change, they usually over time move on to some other poor sap when the previous partner has had enough of them.

He's no decent role model either for your children to look up to is he.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Dimbo,

"I can't really blame him for choosing a weekend away with his mates rather than going shopping to buy me a present. It's not much of a competition is it? lol"

No lol at all. That comment of yours whilst made in jest is so facetious it breaks my heart.

If a friend of yours was saying all this about her man what would your own response be?.

[SCargot]

he is playing you areound
id htink of binning him
dont get him one certainly

[pagwatch]

Dimbo
the thing is that your life with him has taught you that he will keep doing this and his life with you has taught him that you moan a bit but ultimately accept it.

You should not be really exasperated that he has done this again - it would be more surprising if, given exactly the same conditions as before, he were to change and buy you something.

You can 'tit for tat' and see whether getting nothing makes him emapthise a bit more. Or you can talk to him and find a way to make him see that he genuinely hurts you. But i would not persoanlly dismiss this as being silly when he is essentially a good bloke.

It is hurtful and it is showing a disregard for your feelings that should not be let go. It is not going to be good for your DCs to grow up watching their father show a disregard for their mothers feelings.

If you can't express it face to face why don't you write it down.

[pagwatch]

and strongly agree with Attila -
It is not understandable that he wants to be with his mates rather than get you a present.That is so sad that you joke about it! My DH simply would not do this. He is a 'big kid' in that he gets me lots of things and plans surprises just to see my face christmas morning.
Lots of men are like that.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Oh Atilla you have taken the words out of my mouth.

OP I feel sorry for you but you are letting this happen - he knows full well that you will buy him a present and that he doesn't need to get you one, fair enough you will nag at him for days but he will still have saved himself £30 or whatever to spend on crap for himself. He knows he can get away with it because this is what he does every year.

DO NOT give him that bloody X box game (what IS it with grown men playing games where they blow each other up whilst talking on headsets, I would be absoluitely flabbergasted if my DP took this up as a pasttime). Take the thing back to the shop and get your money back. Start putting a foot down now.

And no, not all men are big kids, quite a lot of them are mature and considerate.

[abedelia]

So he works hard and that means he gets a present, the right to spend every penny on his selfish arse and a night out... and you get to babysit with no present. Doesn't what you do to keep his home and family together count? Isn't it worth a bit of thought or a reward? Get him sod all, he doesn't think anything of you so I would return the favour.

[CarGirl]

His treatment of you is awful.

Do not tolerate it. He is putting you and your feeling lasts.

If you are skint how can he justify lunching at Starbucks.

You are being a mug and taken for a ride.

[ThumbleBells]

I love Iklboo's suggestion. Do that.

I have just had a discussion with DH about our Christmas presents this year - I have no money at all and he isn't earning atm - and I would have to use his credit card to buy him one, plus he doesn't know what he wants, neither do I. So I've suggested that we call the camera he has just bought from ebay "our" Christmas present. I still feel odd not getting him a little something, so probably will if I can find something suitable, and I know he will too - this is what it's about. Your OH is a selfish twat who deserves no consideration at all.