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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

oh just announced he isn't getting me anything for christmas. Again.

271 replies

dimbo · 07/12/2009 13:21

My oh always tries to get away with not getting me presents. He doesn't save any money, or keep track of his finances in the couple of weeks before the date.

Last weekend he went to his friends for the weekend which used about £40 - £50 worth of fuel - on the pretense of delivering a mobile phone to them. I have no issue with him seeing his friends but as we are quite skint at the moment and I know I am bottom of the priority pile I did say "you know it'd only cost about £4 to post the phone down? you'll be saying you've got no money to buy me a christmas present next week" he just tried to make out I was stopping him seeing his friends which was way off the mark.

And as predicted, after a nice weekend with his friends he's just said "I have a choice between buying you a christmas present or buying food and petrol and enduring your wrath again. Great"

I feel like I'm playing cliche bingo here! I knew he'd do it! I should add that I don't expect much - a box of chocolates or a paperback book, anything like that is fine, just to say here's something that I picked out for you. (I'd also be perfectly happy or even more happy with vouchers for backrubs, or for him to cook a meal for me for once, or something else that was free, but he'd never think to do this, and if I suggested it he'd say "well now you've told me to do that it's hardly a surprise, so what's the point")

And yes we are usually skint but I've managed to save and buy him a much coveted xbox game which was £35, and I know he's going to love it as it means he can play it online with his mates so it gives them an opportunity to stay in touch more (they have headsets on and chat whilst playing)

It's christmas, it's not like they change the fucking date every year! it's not hard to keep a fiver or so back. To me it just says that he doesn't care, I'm not important, and he doesn't want the hassle of having to get me anything. If he was remotely bothered about me he would have saved something (He forgets that he comes home and tells me what he bought from starbucks or mcdonalds that day instead of taking sandwiches, despite me buying lunch ingredients in)

Also, he keeps reminding me that he he has to do secret santa for some bloke at work. It fucking sucks that he's probably going to buy some bloke he doesn't even know in a back office a christmas present, and not even get one for his own partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
dimbo · 07/12/2009 17:33

Yes I did dittany, I sold a car radio which just covered it.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2009 17:34

OP,

I was going to ask you too what your manchild learnt from his parents. Your answer is extremely telling in that respect.
Therein lies the root of the problem, problem is that his behaviour is very deeply rooted in his own past. He learnt this a long time ago. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

Reckon too that if you have a go at him (and I am not suggesting you do not) be prepared for him to turn it around and blame you for his lack of action.

You cannot change him but you can change how you react to him.

Tortington · 07/12/2009 17:35

i'd fuck him off for xmas week - no warning - just go to another friend/ relative.

if he held you in any egard he would get you something. a pair of earrings from claire's 2.99 - a token.

just fuck him off

dittany · 07/12/2009 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
dimbo · 07/12/2009 17:38

You're right Attila. My background doesn't help either, I grew up scared and constantly trying to avoid confrontation. I can't bear men shouting at me, I'd rather just gloss over things for an easy life.

OP posts:
Original poster
dimbo · 07/12/2009 17:46

Custardo you're my MN hero - not sucking up just saying I always admire your gutsy opinions on threads and I wish I could borrow some of your resolve, but to be honest I'm not one percent as strong as you. As I said, my mum was so scared of dad she stayed with him for 40 years despite all the times he beat her, cheated on her, beat the kids, sold her things etc

I'm trying to be different, certainly NONE of that goes on in our relationship obviously, but I find it hard sticking up for myself over problems where I have to say "I'm worth more than this" because truly, I don't feel like I am most of the time. (If you lot could see me you'd probably agree, I'm a right minger! Heather Trott's younger sister lol)

Dittany we have seperate accounts.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2009 17:46

OP

No your background has certainly not helped nd this too has contributed to your precarious relationship now. I guess too your Father both hit and shouted at your late Mum too didn't he?. You subconsciously learnt lessons from your parents.

My guess too is that your man acts in a not too dissimilar manner to how your Dad did.

You though can break the cycle, you don't have to repeat the damaging lessons of your past. You though will have to put the hard emotional work in and it will be hard for you.

I would actually suggest counselling for your own self to start to rebuild your self esteem and worth.

wukter · 07/12/2009 17:49

You could raise the issue this way:
"DP, have you bought me anything for Xmas? No? I was just going into town to buy Xmas presents but if WE are not getting anything for EACH OTHER I won't pick up anything for you."

No hysterics or anything for him to throw at you, but would be interesting to see his response. Could he justify getting upset about it on his own behalf.

LizzyLordsALeaping · 07/12/2009 17:50

Dimbo, I'm a minger (think Bella Emberg) and I get presents and love and respect.
We have to watch money, DH is the main bread winner (by a mile, I have a vv part time job), he always checks with me about spending money/time on anything other than our family, always.

YOu have to talk to him, you've got so used to not being treated or shown some appreciation that it is the norm.

If you can't trust him to let you have your say calmly then write him a letter. If in all other respects he is a "good guy" who has simply got into the habit of taking you for granted then hopefully it will kick his butt into action.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2009 17:51

And I bet you are not a right minger either even though you describe yourself as Heather Trott's (BTW who is she?) younger sister. I refuse to believe it.

Your Mum stayed with an abuser and look where it got her - is this the life you too want for yourself?. Again there are similarities between her situation and your own now. You're putting up with crappy behaviour like your late Mother did.

Stop putting yourself down by describing your appearance as a minger. Again this clearly shows your overall lack of self worth and esteem. You are a gift to a taker and user like your manchild because he will keep you in the hole you have yourself dug. You need to climb out of the hole you are in.

Original poster
dimbo · 07/12/2009 17:52

Yes there's counselling in the pipeline, been waiting months and months for an appointment to come through since my initial assessment. There's been all manner of abuse from that bastard. He fucks up everything he touches (he's not actually dead, just dead to me)

My oh doesn't act the same as dad, but he gets shouty when he's angry as many men do, and I can't hack it. Another woman who had been raised differently would probably say "pfft, shout if you want, I don't give a shit" but I just want it to stop so I give in or walk away to end the shouting.

OP posts:
LizzyLordsALeaping · 07/12/2009 17:53

he always checks with me about spending money/time on anything other than our family, always.

By that I mean if he is going out for the evening, buying something for himself which would mean things would be tight or checking if I have plans on said evening.

LovinSealcracker · 07/12/2009 17:54

So you know exactly what is going on - ie where it all comes from regarding your own reaction (your own upbringing) and his colossally indulgent mother (his selfish twattery) and you are STILL buying him a 35 quid boyracer pressie for xmassy-wessy and yet wondering why he doesn't give a fig about buying you something and why you get restentful about it?

Your title is 'he isn't buying anything for christmas. again'

Might as well ne

'He just hit me with an electricity bill. Again. It hurts. But I quite understand and anyway don't have a go at me because it will be the same year after year but he is a good dad and at least he doesn't hit me with something harder. I am Tarzan and can take any amount of shit'

I like your earlier suggestion of keeping his present yourself, becoming really good at playing the headphone game (and screwing up his score) and getting to know some of his online 'mates'

have you checked his PC history?

clam · 07/12/2009 17:55

Easy life? Really?

Sooner or later (and it seems it's come up now) the gloss is going to wear thin.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 07/12/2009 17:55

do you see a pattern here, OP ?

your mother put up with bad treatment

you are putting up with bad treatment (admittedly on a lesser scale than she did, but still where you are made to feel second-rate)

are you happy for the cycle to perpetuate in your own children ? For your sons to grow up thinking they are the most important person in the household ? For your daughters to think it is Ok to be at the bottom of the pile and subject to any man's whims?

I am not thinking you should boot him out. It sounds like you love him and want to stay together. That is fine, but not at the expense of your emotional health.

I am thinking you need help to bolster your self-esteem so you will stop enabling his selfishness.

What would he do if you showed him this thread ?

FabIsVeryHappy · 07/12/2009 17:56

Who are you talking about in your 17:52 post, dimbo?

PrettyCandles · 07/12/2009 17:57

Why not condense it into two bullet points? If that's the way he understands communication, then use it.

"You piss me off when you do not treat me with consideration. I expect you to give me nice presents on my birthdays and at Xmas."

And if he compalins that you are always on about things then agree, yes, you do want things, because the act of thinking about giving things, of preparing for it and doing it, shows that he cares for you.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 07/12/2009 17:58

fab, she means her father I think

dittany · 07/12/2009 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
dimbo · 07/12/2009 18:00

Fab, sorry I was referring to my dad. Wasn't clear.

Attila - Heather Trott

AnyFucker - I think he'd just about explode if I showed him this thread, to be honest.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 07/12/2009 18:01

why ?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 07/12/2009 18:03

it is a reasonable enough gripe to have...to wish that your partner cared enough about you to make the effort to buy a small gift

why would that make him "explode"?

I am puzzled

Original poster
dimbo · 07/12/2009 18:04

Dittany he never uses any money. He doesn't buy himself anything except lunch, fags and petrol for the car. His wages go into his account (and leave again shortly after) child tax credit and child benefit go into my account and I pay for things like electric, gas and bits of food.

OP posts:
Undercovamutha · 07/12/2009 18:04

OP - you just need to calmly explain to OH why you are upset and why a present is so important to you (ie. not because of materialism but because of the thought/gesture). Once he has been told this he has two choices. Once he knows how important it is to you, then whatever choice he makes will show his true feelings about you. If i were you I would give him the present, but if he doesn't buy you one than I wouldn't buy him one in the future, and I would tell him that he has ruined Xmas for you.

The first Xmas after I met my DH, he said that he wasn't going to bother wrapping my presents as it was pointless and a waste of money and time. I told him that it was very important to me to have a surprise and that I really really love Xmas and birthdays (not just mine) because of the whole occasion. DH is really not bothered about them, but he makes an effort cos he knows how important it is to me.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2009 18:06

OP

Thank you for pointing out to me who Ms Trott is.

BACP have a list of counsellors who could see you and you would not have to wait months either. Nor do they charge the earth. NHS counselling can be very slow and their services are stretched to the limit.

You can break the cycle that you were taught subconsciously by your parents as a child. You need to believe in both yourself and that fact.