oh just announced he isn't getting me anything for christmas. Again.

[dimbo]

My oh always tries to get away with not getting me presents. He doesn't save any money, or keep track of his finances in the couple of weeks before the date.

Last weekend he went to his friends for the weekend which used about £40 - £50 worth of fuel - on the pretense of delivering a mobile phone to them. I have no issue with him seeing his friends but as we are quite skint at the moment and I know I am bottom of the priority pile I did say "you know it'd only cost about £4 to post the phone down? you'll be saying you've got no money to buy me a christmas present next week" he just tried to make out I was stopping him seeing his friends which was way off the mark.

And as predicted, after a nice weekend with his friends he's just said "I have a choice between buying you a christmas present or buying food and petrol and enduring your wrath again. Great"

I feel like I'm playing cliche bingo here! I knew he'd do it! I should add that I don't expect much - a box of chocolates or a paperback book, anything like that is fine, just to say here's something that I picked out for you. (I'd also be perfectly happy or even more happy with vouchers for backrubs, or for him to cook a meal for me for once, or something else that was free, but he'd never think to do this, and if I suggested it he'd say "well now you've told me to do that it's hardly a surprise, so what's the point")

And yes we are usually skint but I've managed to save and buy him a much coveted xbox game which was £35, and I know he's going to love it as it means he can play it online with his mates so it gives them an opportunity to stay in touch more (they have headsets on and chat whilst playing)

It's christmas, it's not like they change the fucking date every year! it's not hard to keep a fiver or so back. To me it just says that he doesn't care, I'm not important, and he doesn't want the hassle of having to get me anything. If he was remotely bothered about me he would have saved something (He forgets that he comes home and tells me what he bought from starbucks or mcdonalds that day instead of taking sandwiches, despite me buying lunch ingredients in)

Also, he keeps reminding me that he he has to do secret santa for some bloke at work. It fucking sucks that he's probably going to buy some bloke he doesn't even know in a back office a christmas present, and not even get one for his own partner.

[PrettyCandles]

"I can't really blame him for choosing a weekend away with his mates rather than going shopping to buy me a present. It's not much of a competition is it? "

I'm sorry, but that comment is really quite shocking and sad. What are you - some stranger in off the street? His housemaid?

This man has, presumably, chosen you to be his life-partner and the mother of his chilrden (works both ways of course, you chose him to be your life-partner and the father of your children). That, in my books, is a far higher status than 'mates'.

This man needs to get his priorities right.

I'm rarely one for a vindictive response, but this time I agree with the others: return the game, spend it on yourself. No need to tell him "this is what you would have got". Just wrap your own present up and leave it under the tree with your dc's present. Label it from him to you!

[GetOrfMoiLand]

TBH, me and DP are restricting to spending a fiver on each other this year, so we have a token present to unwrap, but keep back the rest of the money to spend on a holiday next year.

Other years have been a bit hit and miss - I have got a hideous lime green jumper one year, and a beautiful set of le cresuet pans another year, but no matter what, he does get me a card and present. It is very thoughtless and selfish of anyone not to bother.

[GoGoHamsterofDeath]

stop being a martyr. he will think even less of you if you buy him a present.

[Bewler]

OH you must have low self confidence to put up with this

[MumOfAPickle]

I'm with the others I'm afraid. Get rid.

Its not the present itself its the fact that he doesn't seem to really give a crap about you.

I can't imagine a single one of my female friends putting up with this or any of my male friends doing it to their partners.

Giving presents is about making your partner happy. Why wouldn't he want to do this? Does he make you happy in other ways? Does he think about you and do things just to make you smile?

If not then you are allowing him to treat you like crap. And somehow, he's made you think that its ok and not a big deal when it really, really is.

Sorry

[Bewler]

Meant OP...

[dimbo]

It's not awful treatment, it's not as if he's like this every day, he's just bloody inconsiderate a couple of times a year. It pisses me off, but let's not blow it completely out of proportion.

He works every day to support us, he's a kind and gentle dad, he doesn't gamble or cheat or hurt me, and he was very supportive when my mum died - he's not perfect by any means but I wouldn't deserve someone who was, because I'm not. I'm fairly boring and a bit antisocial. I'm not very good at keeping the house nice, I usually look like a sack of shit, I'm putting on weight in this pregnancy at a rate of knots and I nag him too much. Lucky he's here at all really when you think about it like that, shouldn't really moan about the details, it doesn't matter.

Anyway at least ds is taken care of this christmas, I can't wait to see his face when he opens his presents, that'll be present enough for me I think!

[NicknameTaken]

I think you should just say calmly "It's important to me that you give me something for Christmas. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money. It's a symbol of you caring for me". And say nothing more until Christmas. On Christmas Day,I'd have his present all wrapped up but wouldn't hand it over until he'd given me something first. Petty, perhaps, but it avoids the unattractive options of (a) selfishness by him and (b) martyrdom by you.

[ThumbleBells]

Lord love you, your self-esteem is rockbottom, isn't it? Do you know how defensive-of-crap-behaviour you sound? "it's not him, it's me, I'm so crap of course I deserve this kind of crap treatment".

Dear me.

[pagwatch]

Err...
of course he doesn't do it everyday. It is a chrustmas present.

You seem to be perfectly happy that he does this, content that it is no more than you deserve. You seen also to regrad, going to work, not hitting you and being nice when you lose your mum as beyond the call. And that you can't be fussy because you are not perfect.
I am pretty speechless.
Which is unusual for me.

When he gets a bit older could you please mention to your DS that if his girlfriend gets fat after having his babies he doesn't need to try and make her feel special. No - hang on - watching you and his dad he will already have worked that out.

[ClaraJo]

DP and I have both agreed that we can't afford to get a present for each other this year (and we only did a book each last year) because of the other family members we have to buy for. But we'll do things like, if we happen to see a book we think the other one might like in a 2nd hand shop we'll buy it and just give it to them, not keep it for a special occasion. To me, that shows that he's thinking about me (and vice versa), rather than that he's had to go out "shopping" to get me something because it's expected.

And we did go to a gig in the summer, which had to be done when the band was appearing, obviously, so that was a big treat to ourselves, so I don't feel hard done-by.

Not like I did during my marriage - for about the last 5 years of it my ex never got me anything - I would buy something for myself and pretend it was from him so the kids didn't think he was an utter * . And he got into an infuriating habit of buying what he wanted for himself there and then, even if it was close to his birthday/Christmas, so I ended up duplicating stuff on a number of occasions, having thought I was being really clever. God that used to annoy me.

[miumiu]

Christ dimbo.

Listen to yourself.

Your last post was heartbreaking.

Tell him it hurts. Don't get him a present - help him, teach him to grow up - everyone wants a present on christmas day ffs.

He may be bloody lovely, but I bet it didn't feel like that when you got the unopened card or when your is the only empty lap on christmas morning;

If my dh thought I was worthless, I would look at my self esteem rather than his merits.

i bet you are great. You just don't know it.

[pagwatch]

sorry. So annoyed I can't spell.

You are defending his behaviour when his behaviour is crap.
You are very silly and sending him, and your DS, terrible terrible messages.

[ThumbleBells]

pag, I agree - I can't imagine why the OP started this thread if she thinks this is all she deserves anyway.

[dimbo]

Oh well, sorry to have annoyed you.

[pagwatch]

Hmm. Passive aggressive.

I am only annoyed because you seem determined not to see that you do not need to be perfect for the person who is supposed to care about you to show it.

I am far from perfect. But people who share their lives should wish to be kind to each other. Why do you think he does not have to be kind to you?

[ThumbleBells]

not really picking on her, dittany - just being realistic, perhaps a tad too harsh though.

[dimbo]

My mum - well dad punched her in the face so hard when she was pregnant with me that she had a visible dent in her forehead. I only know this because I read her diary after she died - she told everyone she fell off a wall. That's a bad man. Not my dp, who's just a bit of a dickhead at times.

[tiredoftherain]

hang on, shouldn't we be trying to help the OP, not make things worse by criticising her further? It's not helpful if her self esteem is already rock bottom, it's a long way up from there, and difficult to imagine how tough it is to break the cycle if you haven't been in the situation. Plus she's pregnant and bound to feel a bit up and down.

I bet nobody looking at me in RL would have believed I'd put up with this kind of crap either, yet it did until I realised I'd had enough.

[miumiu]

I am not picking on dimbo - altho I agree crap name!

I am saying you can change the situation by TELLING him it hurts and SHOWING him how it hurts by not giving him a present on christmas day (hide the present and if you get nada, don't give it to him).

You have to help him to help you, if he can't see it for himself.

[pagwatch]

Dittany and tiredoftherain.

You are both quite right.
I will not post further.