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Relationships

oh just announced he isn't getting me anything for christmas. Again.

271 replies

dimbo · 07/12/2009 13:21

My oh always tries to get away with not getting me presents. He doesn't save any money, or keep track of his finances in the couple of weeks before the date.

Last weekend he went to his friends for the weekend which used about £40 - £50 worth of fuel - on the pretense of delivering a mobile phone to them. I have no issue with him seeing his friends but as we are quite skint at the moment and I know I am bottom of the priority pile I did say "you know it'd only cost about £4 to post the phone down? you'll be saying you've got no money to buy me a christmas present next week" he just tried to make out I was stopping him seeing his friends which was way off the mark.

And as predicted, after a nice weekend with his friends he's just said "I have a choice between buying you a christmas present or buying food and petrol and enduring your wrath again. Great"

I feel like I'm playing cliche bingo here! I knew he'd do it! I should add that I don't expect much - a box of chocolates or a paperback book, anything like that is fine, just to say here's something that I picked out for you. (I'd also be perfectly happy or even more happy with vouchers for backrubs, or for him to cook a meal for me for once, or something else that was free, but he'd never think to do this, and if I suggested it he'd say "well now you've told me to do that it's hardly a surprise, so what's the point")

And yes we are usually skint but I've managed to save and buy him a much coveted xbox game which was £35, and I know he's going to love it as it means he can play it online with his mates so it gives them an opportunity to stay in touch more (they have headsets on and chat whilst playing)

It's christmas, it's not like they change the fucking date every year! it's not hard to keep a fiver or so back. To me it just says that he doesn't care, I'm not important, and he doesn't want the hassle of having to get me anything. If he was remotely bothered about me he would have saved something (He forgets that he comes home and tells me what he bought from starbucks or mcdonalds that day instead of taking sandwiches, despite me buying lunch ingredients in)

Also, he keeps reminding me that he he has to do secret santa for some bloke at work. It fucking sucks that he's probably going to buy some bloke he doesn't even know in a back office a christmas present, and not even get one for his own partner.

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dimbo · 07/12/2009 15:43

Ok I need to go and wash my face and get something done, ds has seen me crying. Too hormonal for this kind of discussion at the moment. Thanks guys.

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dittany · 07/12/2009 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LizzyLordsALeaping · 07/12/2009 15:56

Oh you poor thing.

YOu do know that just because he doesn't hit you and you feel low about yourself that it doesn't mean that you have to put up with coming last on his list of priorities?

Op (refuse to call you Dimbo), please sit down and talk to him about how his treatment of you makes you feel (or write a letter as other people have suggested). You don't have to nag or get confrontational, just tell him that you feel sad, hurt and unappreciated.

One day your DS will notice that you have no gifts to open and will ask why.

You deserve to have a nice Christmas too. You deserve to be treated and put before his mates.

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spookycharlotte121 · 07/12/2009 15:57

dimbo if its any concellation i have been there.
exp didnt even do cards.... according to him it was a waste of paper but when i bought him a novelty one for his birthday raather one that one that was all smushy "to my darling lush boyfriend" or some such nonsense he went mad and i had to buy him another card.

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PrettyCandles · 07/12/2009 16:02

"He works every day to support us, he's a kind and gentle dad, he doesn't gamble or cheat or hurt me...I'm fairly boring and a bit" of a nerd socially. "I'm not very good at keeping the house nice, I usually look like a sack of shit," I'm obese and I know he would like me to lose some weight. There - that describes my dh and me. Not all that different to you. But we would never dream of not getting each other a gift on birthdays and Xmas - even if just a token gift.

You are not second class. You do not have to be greatful that his lordship has deigned to give you some crumbs from his table. You are a person of value. You are a loving and caring mother and partner. You deserve to be loved and respected for who you are, not for how you think you may compare with some abstract ideal - or even with him.

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figrollinthehay · 07/12/2009 16:06

Return present or get rid of him. If you really need to buy him something nice to open, buy him a bag of chocolate buttons.

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thehairybabysmum · 07/12/2009 16:10

I had an EX like this.

Return his present, he doesnt deserve it!!

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VinegarTinselTits · 07/12/2009 16:11

I'm sorry, but your OP clearly states how hurt you are by his selfishness at this time of year, yet you defend him to the hilt when we say he doesnt deserve a present from you

'rod for your own back' is all i can add to this

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choosyfloosy · 07/12/2009 16:16

Well. If he really hates buying presents, and if it's a big bone of contention every year, then you could decide not to give each other gifts at Christmas or any other time, and avoid the disappointment and angst.

But be honest and don't spend any time trying to explain away feelings you genuinely have. If you like to have a present from your partner at Christmas (I certainly do), then you need to tell him that.

And not by saying 'I know it's a pain, I know you hate shopping, I know its unreasonable of me to ask this when you hate buying presents so much, in fact I don't know why I'm doing this when I still haven't lost that stone, but I really like having a present to unwrap from my partner, it's a big part of Christmas for me'. Just say the bit from onwards. And leave it to him, he's a grown up too.

If he says 'I have a choice between buying you a christmas present or buying food and petrol and enduring your wrath again', you could just say 'Yes' and go and run a bath.

he spends hours playing computer games? he can spend 90 seconds on Amazon buying you a book for crying out loud.

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clam · 07/12/2009 16:18

OP (I agree. CHANGE YOUR NAME!!!), so how does Christmas Day work in your house?

He works hard, you say. So, presumably, do you. I'm guessing that you do all the Christmas shopping, presents and food. Wrapping up. Cooking.

It comes to present-opening time. Everyone sits down. Presents are handed round. Little piles build in front of people.

HOW CAN HE SIT THERE AND NOT NOTICE OR CARE THAT YOU HAVE NOTHING????!!!!!

This is unforgiveable. I don't care if he's Mr Bloody Marvellous the rest of the year (although I'm not bowled over so far by the examples you've given) but this is nothing short of cruel. And heartbreaking that you seem to accept it as your lot in life.

People will treat you in life how you show them to treat you. Please start caring for yourself.

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YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 07/12/2009 16:30

Dimbo, how about you return his present, take the £35, spend £15 on a gift for him (you can easily get a decent used game for that) and then spend £20 on your unborn baby.

And by "your unborn baby" I mean something to make you feel less stressed and therefore baby feel good too. So... some lovely bath stuff made especially for pregnant ladies, or some expensive moisturiser or some massage oil (scented with lavender so your OH doesn't demand a massage with it) so he can show his appreciation.

How does that sound?

Because I don't think you're going to persuaded that you deserve a gift, or that he doesn't, but I hope you can be persuaded that if Christmas is about the children then you qualify because you are carrying one.

Make sense?

Although if you were to do the right thing then you should do Iklboo/colditz's suggestion, because that is what he deserves.
(You could do it anyway and then pull out his new gift of a pair of socks while you open your baby's present)

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clam · 07/12/2009 16:31

Actually, I'll tell you what happened at my cousin's house a year or two ago.

DH and I both "do" presents. Lots of little surprises, just to have something to unwrap as, to be brutally honest, there's nothing we really need.

However, my cousin's wife opened gift after gift after gift from her DH. And not just token gifts. Cashmere pashminas and sweaters, buttery-soft suede jacket, leather gloves, a top of the range ipod, new mobile, large gift box of Clinique makeup, a spa day at a plush hotel etc.... It was becoming embarrassing to watch, mainly because she opened each one rather wearily. Her DH kept saying "she deserves it."

She's an absolute cowto him. But somehow she'd trained him that she liked gifts and big, expensive ones at that. I'm not offering this tale as something to aspire to (because frankly the whole charade slightly sickened me). Just to illustrate my point above that people treat you how you teach them to.

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dimbo · 07/12/2009 16:35

Back and a bit calmer, sorry for getting upset I'm rubbish at the moment, this is why I don't say anything to him, I get all irrational and teary.

Christmas day is always at his mothers house or there'd be no end of crap from them all. I do the rest of christmas, gift buying, wrapping, decs. I'll be making baked gifts for them all because we can't afford proper presents this year. The arrangement was supposed to be that we just bought for the three of us this year, he's just let his side of the bargain down.

Clam, he would notice that I didn't have a present, but he'd just apologise and blame lack of money - he doesn't seem to get that you can save money for things. He just thinks that if there isn't a spare £20 in his account 10 days before christmas then it's just a case of going "oops, oh well, sorry". It's daft, as someone said, a 12 yr old could manage their money better than him!

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dimbo · 07/12/2009 16:42

Crunch, that's a nice idea but I bought the game off a private eBay seller so can't return it, plus also it's the only game his friends play at the moment so buying a different game would defeat the object of letting them play it together. We live a long way from his friends and he's lonely, it was my main motivation for buying the game to be honest, which is why I'm reluctant to get rid of it.

Oh and I'm allergic to virtually all products, can only use specialist eczema products so nice products are wasted on me except perfume which I can spray on my hair or clothes, which is what I would actually like for christmas. I have a gift certificate from my birthday saved so I might get myself some as a present from ds, and screw him.

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YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 07/12/2009 16:42

dimbo what about my suggestion of returning his gift?

If you wanted you could give him half the money to buy you something and spend half on him. That way no one misses out and it really is about him showing he can think of you.

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clam · 07/12/2009 16:44

But he obviously is choosing to believe that it doesn't matter. You've allowed him to get away with it, too.
When he says, which would you prefer, food on the table or a present, tell him that there shouldn't need to be such a choice. You'd like both and for him to organise himself, please, as you find it very hurtful when he doesn't.
No need to say anything more. But so what if you get teary? At least it might wake him up how much it means to you. Blame the hormones if you want, although I don't see that you need to. You have grounds for wanting this.

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YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 07/12/2009 16:45

xpost

Definitely get yourself a present. REally. It's just too sad that he won't do it.

If you feel you can't tell him without getting over emotional then could you write it down? It's important to let him know how you feel - communication is the key to everything.

He is being an arse, but if you don't tell him it hurts you, then he's got no reason to be anything else.

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FabIsVeryHappy · 07/12/2009 16:48

dimbo - what did you want to achieve from posting?

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LovinSealcracker · 07/12/2009 16:50

Did you start a similar thread last xmas? I seem to remember it. If so, sorry this is still bugging you.

We women in shit relationships are very good at saying 'well at least he doesn't hit me.'

I did the same thing with my xh. I also said to myself:
'At least he is a good dad,
at least he cooks at the weekend,
at least he irons his own shirts,
at least he was there when my waters broke,
at least he loves his mother,
at least he is a considerate lover
at least at least at least'

then he fucked off and I discovered all sorts of secret horrors about him.

Now I say to myself
'At least he is some other poor woman's problem now
'At least ds will not grow up with that tozzer as a father'
'At least I now think so much more of myself having done a lot of thinking (and oh so much more,')
and finally, 'At least this christmas I have bought myself a lovely present to open and will not end up at a weatherspoons pub stubbing a fag out in a pint of cheap lager (which is how we spent my 40th birthday)

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dimbo · 07/12/2009 16:51

Crunch: "He is being an arse, but if you don't tell him it hurts you, then he's got no reason to be anything else"

It's a good point (and one I acknowledge several of you have made, thank you) I probably do need to tell him it hurts my feelings when he does this. I just hate the way that if I bring it up he thinks I'm all about things when I'm not, it really is the thought that counts, to me. (But it's a good way of making me stop arguing isn't it?)

He bought me a box of chocolates one birthday, and I was so chuffed that he didn't say he had no money, and that he'd done it off his own back with no prompting. My brother came round with flowers and a bigger box of the same brand of chocs for me and said "is that all he got you?" but I was happy with it because at least he'd made the effort.

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dittany · 07/12/2009 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dimbo · 07/12/2009 16:58

Lovin - I don't think so.

Fab - it was a rant more than anything.

I know it's frustrating trying to tell someone to sort their life out when they're not in a position to do it, but really, I can't (and don't want to) just leave him in the middle of my pregnancy because he didn't buy me a christmas present, that would be insanely precious. I don't care that much!

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LovinSealcracker · 07/12/2009 17:02

'At least he made me a nice meal on my 40th...'

But it wasn't what I had asked for us to do: I had asked for us to go together to the local little bar and drink a glass of champagne.

It was my day, my 40th. Surely he could have done what I had asked?

No. He didn't. And then he made out that I was being petty, saying that he had tried, and ok maybe done the wrong thing... that he bought the ingredients especially. 'Waaagh poor boy'

So I sat on the sofa watching eastenders and crying silently and feeling petty and selfish while he had a nice time pottering around with his apron on cooking a meal that I didn't want and my 40th slipped away.

Lovely kind man.

At least he didn't beat me up though.

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dimbo · 07/12/2009 17:04

Dittany, I appreciate you (and everyone else) taking the time to post, and I'm not being dismissive, but he really doesn't spend all his time on computer games. It's usually one evening on the weekend. He spends most evenings with me and ds. He's not an awful person, just an awful present buyer.

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FabIsVeryHappy · 07/12/2009 17:05

But this doesn't seem to be a thread about you being upset because he bought you oven gloves or a garden rake instead of sexy undies or a book you really wanted..

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