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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched

1000 replies

BEAUTlFUL · 02/12/2009 23:56

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Come in here and chat about erection-texts, lechy lecturers and getting the painters in.

OP posts:
IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 03/12/2009 00:04

Ah yes! You've bounced back. As always an inspiration to us all.

startingovernow · 03/12/2009 00:33

Evening Dumplings,

Beauty, so glad to see you back. I'm had many of those black depression days during the past 14mts. It will pass, just allow yourself time to heal & you'll be back to your fiesty self.

Ifyouhappy, hope things get a bit easier for you soon.

Waves to Caramela, Loobie & all other dumplings.

Well, was at bookclub group tonight. Painter is deffinately v keen. His best friend is married to my best friend, so he's been talking to him & I've been pumping her. He's offically finished today but coming back tomorrow to do some touch ups!! I think he was gutted to hear I'm out all morning but I told him I'd be back at 12 & I have a feeling somehow that he'll find some way of delaying so that he's still here.

Anyway, not that things are progressing in right direction I have suddenly been hit by this awful nervous feeling. Afraid I'm going to make a disasterous mistake by getting involved. This will deffinately not by like eager puppy, will be proper relationship OMG!! Am I mad?? Should I just stay safely single & enjoy my life??

Went to a fortune teller / angel card reader this aft. She could tell me in explicit detail what happened with ex but nothing explicit about future relationships except that I'd be totally healed from ex & have put it all behind me by oct next year & very happy in a relationship with a strong motivated man by June 2011. Somebody please inject me with something to put me to sleep until June 2011!!

I'm all over the place I think. I've spent all wk slowly falling for painter (deffinately mutual) & now that I'm on the verge of things moving forward I want to run!! Feel terrified!! He would be so right for me in so many ways I think but I find myself panicing at the thought. I also find myself worried that there is such a hugh difference in our financial circumstances. Can something work when two people are coming from such different places?? Feel ashamed to even be thinking along these lines. Help!!

loobie63 · 03/12/2009 07:39

Morning Dumpliings

Beautiful welcome back sorry to hear you have been down, it does come in waves doesn't it for all of us strong and feisty chin up tits out one minute and then wailing in despair the next, I think this is something we have to go through to heal if you know what I mean. Well done on bouncing back enough to start a new thread although I feel a bit sad to have lost the old one its a bit like a life raft if you know what I mean

Startingover hey the painter guy does not have to be a full on relationship marrying him and having his babies it might just be the learning curve you need to get used to dating again and you makes the rules if its just a few weeks of rampmant sex and the banned C word then why not?! Only you know if you are ready and the fact that you are nervous not running for the hills is a good sign I think. Yes I too have done the fortune teller things I am not going to meet 'the one' until Autumn 2010 or it could be Autumn 2011 gawd how depressing but i decided in the meantime I am going to have a lot of fun with the ones that aren't 'the one' I do believe in all that but they do get things wrong too and I am clinging onto that thought like a drowning harlot!
Good luck with the hopefully delayed painter today...... your rules girlie

startingovernow · 03/12/2009 16:11

Afternoon Dumplings, well apologies for my midnight ramblings last night (wasn't even after any alcohol), was just a bit of panic. A bit of it was just moving on another bit & letting go of ex.

I spoke to my friend again this morning & realised it's just normal nerves about having a relationship with someone again. Eager puppy was v easy, no emotional risk. Anyway, decided to just see where it goes after talking to her. I'd been a bit rushed with painter this morning as was rushing out again & only spoke to him for a few mins. Decided after talking to my friend to be proactive had got a text from him saying thanks for everything so I text back saying I enjoyed the company & if he'd like to meet up again some time to let me know.

Not sure what to make of it all. Will have to pump my friend again. Doesn't make any sense that he was so keen but hasn't responded to text! Being honest I'm not overly concerned, I'm not needy for a relationship (just a bit of sex), so he'll either step up to the plate or not!

Loobie, thanks for the advice & push along. I agree with you that I just want to try & get my life back on track now & have a bit of fun. I hadn't been to a reader for years, at the end of the day though I think we're in charge of & can change our own destinys.

Waves to all Dumplings

Caramela · 03/12/2009 16:13

Afternoon Dumplings, it's nice to have a new thread and once it's been peppered with sequins, CLGS's and penis texts, I'm sure it will be just as comforting as the old one.

Startingover, I agree with Loobie, it's not as if you're going to be sitting on the sofa wearing a wedding dress and clutching a bouquet when painter bloke next arrives - you need to have fun, spend some time being made to feel fantastic and get a bit of the other. I think it's natural to feel apprehensive but you should allow yourself the luxury of relaxing and having a good time, he sounds lovely and imo, the stuff about the relative discrepancies in your circumstances just doesn't matter, not at the moment at least .

Beauty, I'm so sorry that you've had a bad few days - I think we all do, you start to think that things are finally getting better and then something happens that causes a setback and you feel terrible again - in your case Womaniser and his rain-phobic coiffeur.

No, you're not the same as when you were 25 - none of us are - we're better, we're cleverer and funnier, less self-centred, more relaxed, we have more idea about what's important in life and we are quite excellent shags. You will meet a man or men who value all these things and you will wonder why you ever doubted yourself.

Blimey, I've come over all Marge Proops this afternoon ( not an attractive image ) off for a cup of coffee, I think.

Hello Mavis, Ifyou'rehappy, Dutchy and everyone else ( you'll have to excuse me if I've forgotten you, I have a dreadful memory and am barking mad ).

startingovernow · 03/12/2009 16:55

Caramela, that was a great description of us dumplings & I agree with you 100%. I feel way more confident, together, sexy etc than ten years ago.

Ignore my ramblings of last night, had temporary loss of sanity (happens regularly during twlight hours). Am recuperated this morning, think it was having him in my house for so long & watching him with dc's. I wouldn't be ready to bring a man into my home or my dc's lives for a long time but the easy answer to that will be to shag him in his place..ha, ha.

Anyway, if he doesn't text back soon, I'll be waving goodbye to sex for xmas (couldn't face going back to puppy now)! If I become desperate for sex before xmas & come on here listing v valid reasons for going back, please tell me not to!!

Caramela · 03/12/2009 17:06

I think we're all a bit prone to temporary losses of sanity - it's the legacy of being treated like shite by bozos if you ask me.

You won't need to go back to puppy for a pre-festive shag, painter is putty ( or not, one hopes ) in your hands - feel the Dumpling force !

startingovernow · 03/12/2009 18:53

Hi Caramela, thanks for the vote of confidence. Well the good thing about having been treated like shite by bozos is that it makes you v proactive. I decided fu*k that, & sent another text asking had I scared him off. Got a quick reply that he'd love to go out with me but was feeling to shy to ask me straight out. Few texts later & date is set for tomorrow night!!

Just text babysitter & she's fu*king booked, can you believe that!! My only option now is to try & convince my mother to take the three dc's tomorrow night. If I managed to accomplish this would I be a right slapper if I had sex tomorrow night??

I know there is a thread going at the moment about this so must have a look at that later.

Caramela · 03/12/2009 19:16

No, you would not be a right slapper, you would be sriking a blow for Dumplingkind - my rabbit and I salute you.

I am really, genuinely pleased for you- you go,girlfriend

DutchGirly · 03/12/2009 20:51

What do you get when two shy people go on a date? Nothing, I am kicking myself. I am sure Firm Bum Guy likes me, he said he would like to meet up sometime next time, he gave me two pecks on the cheek and that was it.

Ex then had to ruin everything of course, he broke into my email account and knew I was on a date so all hell broke lose when I got back.

Aaargh.

startingovernow · 03/12/2009 20:54

Hi Caramela, just trying to get dc's to bed, more or less there tg. Had to sit down before attempting house/lunches etc.

Thanks for the go ahead on the whole sex/slapper issue! Didn't get a chance to do that in my youth as I was in a 7yr relationship first & then exh for past 12yrs. Maybe I should be counting my blessings, every dark cloud having a silver lining & all that.

To continue on my whole proactive phase of this evening, I decided to tackle the babysitting problem. Have probably ranted about this already but am fu*king sick of my babysitter. I'm paying more than the going rate & if I'm not back by about 11 she's on the phone wondering if I'll be much longer! Have just sorted a temporary babysitter to cover for late nights or when ow not available.

Will start her from next wk. Oh, tg, I might just now begin to actually have some life away from dc's. Hadn't been too pushed all along because I thought ex would have sorted himself out & be taking kids. Doesn't look like that will be happening anytime soon though, so at least if this works out I'll have a bit more freedom.

Right, just need to sort something out for tomorrow night now & I'm sorted.

startingovernow · 03/12/2009 21:00

Hi Dutchy, am sorry to hear about what happened with your ex. Hope you're ok.

I wouldn't worry about firm bum guy, he sounds keen, so it'll probably just take you both a bit of time to get comfortable with each other. Did you enjoy the date?

DutchGirly · 03/12/2009 21:06

I did enjoy his company actually, I think he is just nervous. Can't blame him if he will be bailing out now because of nutter X as I had to email him to not use email address again.

He does have lush arms though, I could just stroke them all day.

loobie63 · 03/12/2009 21:12

RIGHT!!!

Okay I know some schools of thought say that it is tantamount to slapperdom to have rampant sex on a first date but IMHO I think hey we are grown ups and why waste time fannying about if there lust attraction is there then go for it.

Hope you have managed to sort out a sitter and hurrah for you being bold and texting him, sheesh that guy is shy but maybe not a bad thing in the long run he'll be totally in awe of your fabulous-ness ( is that a word?)

Caramela totally agree with you on the loss of sanity thing I have done some very very bad things but hey looking back that is how we learn to be the fab feisty women we are.

CLGS came round this evening to finish my kitchen cupboard we did grown up conversation and I cooked dinner for us ( pls don't think Delia it was chilli ) so that is good it is not just wanton lust oh how I wish I had a crystal ball to see what my future holds

Waves to all the other Dumplings I know you are out there somewhere

loobie63 · 03/12/2009 21:14

Dutchygirl get a new e mail address and quick ...ex's butting in our fun how very dare they!!

Nice arms mmmmmmm

startingovernow · 03/12/2009 21:16

Hi Dutchy, that sounds great, I'm sure he won't be put off at all. Really glad for you & wish you well.

My painter guy is v shy aswell. I'm not a bit shy but I'm hoping he doesn't become v shy tomorrow night as it'll probably make me as bad aswell!!

MavisGrind · 03/12/2009 21:20

Ah, here you all are

Beauty - sorry you're having a crap couple of days. Am I the only one or is the description of Womanisers 'rain-phobic coiffeur' making anyone think he looks like Swiss Tony?

Startingover - go girl with regards painter blokey. Will expect full report as soon as.

Dutchy - I second Caramela in thinking he sounds shy but keen. Perhaps you need to follow startingover's proactive approach?

Not much to report here - in fact, nothing at all unless you count the news I found a bag of Bombay Mix in the cupboard which I'm now steadily working through. Good job I did my Davina McCall tape this evening

Hope all dumplings, both posters and lurkers are having a good evening. I'm off to see what other delights my kitchen cupboards may give up [sadly not a shaggable man]

DutchGirly · 03/12/2009 21:23

StartingOverNow, I thought getting a babysitter would be far more difficult than it is.

Called old friend and babysitting has been arranged. Will buy very nice bottle of port as thank you.

Who would have thought guys are shy, I have been out of the dating game for over 5 years now and I have forgotten the rules. Can somebody post the rules pleeeeeeaaaaaaaase.

Mumfun · 03/12/2009 21:42

Hello all dumpettes

Dutchie and Starting - I think shyish is more attractive than massively overconfident! Very glad to hear of a good date and one to come -and glad youve become proactive Starting. I do sympathise over the sex desire but still dont think I could do the deed first date -mind you do know him well - think I did H on second or third date as knew him well previously.

Hope your ok Beauty -you were doing so well - Im not surprised youll have a down day or two as you have been through an awful lot emotionally an it sometimes takes time to come to terms with it all.

And Caramela I feel way more together then when 25 - so ready for much more

Loobie - glad CLGS is not disappointing!

Am doing a bit of self improvement reading at present -good book on recovering from H having affair -but scary having it all dissected so clearly but finding very useful.Also reading Melody Beattie about codependency as definitely an issue too - so good to understand a bit of what went on.

Mavis - its good to have a good old gorge -helping myself freely to DS birthday cake tonight- birthday was yesterday bless him.

Hi to all other dumpettes -hope you are doing well and having busy social lives!

will try to cat you again Beauty for 3rd time

BEAUTlFUL · 03/12/2009 21:57

Hello everyone! Go you, startingover! I wouldn't shag him... but then my hard-to-get bollocks resulted in NOTHING happening with W except for rainchecks and messings-abouts, while lovely Loobs got stuck in there and now has gorgeous man fixing her kitchen! So what does that tell us? You might as well shag him.

OP posts:
BEAUTlFUL · 03/12/2009 22:04

I know I say this every day, but I'm really, really, REALLY off men now. I'm shit at it all. Absolutely crap. Plus, it made me moody with the lovely DC, so it's just not worth it.

I'm going to hurl myself into my career and write a wonderful book. I've had 5 published already, but this one's going to be a funny, readable novel and is going to sell millions. When am interviewed by Oprah, she will ask me what my motivation was to write it and I will say, "Loneliness" and then I will get up and waltz off into my limo.

Really. I just can't handle men. But i've always had a great career, so that's where I'm going to focus my energy now, again. I just can't live my life caring/.worrying/stressing about what a MAN thinks about me. They can fuck off!

Mumfun, I've read that Codependency No More book loads of times, it's me to a T. And shall I CAT you? I haven't received any messages, so let me try doing it.

Big shout-out to everyone else. Really, I am SO thankful I have you lot! Really, really. It's a total lifesaver, completely.

Please let's all meet up!!!

OP posts:
BEAUTlFUL · 03/12/2009 22:09

Am seeing my best male-friend tomorrow night, and have been grilling him about stuff already.

Did you know that men see separated women as EASY??! Really! We have a reputation for "getting it where we can find it". I find that comletely believable (sadly), plus depressing, as it meant that all W was interested in was a shag. I am soooooooo pleased he didn't get one.

Where do you all get your fortune-tellers from? I want one!!

OP posts:
BEAUTlFUL · 03/12/2009 22:14

One last self-absorbed ramble: my brain is so bloke-obsessed, ever since I've called time on W, it has been sniffing round for another male to fixate upon. So, when X came round here earlier, I was looking at him, thinking, "You are so handsome. What did you mean by [random comment]? I wonder what you're thinking about the split. Do you regret it now? Was I a bad wife? How can I get you back?" etc.

It's like a illness! Why the FUCK can I not just focus on my OWN lovely life and STOP. THINKING. ABOUT. SODDING. MEN???

I might get counselling for this. (With a woman, because if I meet a clever, successful male who can listen to me for 50 minutes and be supportive, I'll just get all keen on him. )

OP posts:
BEAUTlFUL · 03/12/2009 22:18

Mumfun, I just found out my CAT subscription expired in June! I'm so sorry. I have resubscribed now.

OP posts:
FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas · 03/12/2009 22:23

Goodness, we all hit 1k in posts!

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