Narsissistic personality disorder

[therealme]

I'm English, living overseas. I'm married for 17 yrs and most of that has been pretty awful. I recently 'came clean' about my abusive relationship with dh on a parenting site where I live and I have had my eyes opened for the first time that maybe it's not all my fault anymore. I have blamed myself for everything that has 'gone wrong' in my marriage - although I have genuinly messsed up on more than one occasion.

I received a lot of support from people but didn't believe I was worthy of it. Then somebody suggested I google Narsissistic Personality Disorder and that is the moment my whole world changed. For the very fist time I began to see that maybe it wasn't ME that might have all the problems. I saw my 'perfect' dh described in black and white and the words 'personality disorder' were attached to his behaviours. To say the ground shifted from under me would be an understatement.

So now I find myself at a turning point in my life. I know I have to end my marriage. It's emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive. I now recognise that I am a shell of the person that I once was, have had the life blood drained out of me, but still have enough of a spark in me to want to fight for some peace of life at 42! I have 3 children whom I love and adore - but who also love their Daddy. I'm living financially independently from my dh who refused to support me financially after ds 2 was born 6 yrs ago. I want him out of the house and out of my life!

I've made my mind up, but I am still so weak when it comes to taking action. I have spent so long living in a confused and guilt-ridden state, does that make sense?
Is there anybody out there who has experience of living with a narsissistic partner? How do you make the break? How do you ever find the strength to stand up to them in order that you might have some quality of life left for yourself? Please advise.....

Sakura, you are so right: they have no idea how other people think at all. He is trying to position his foolish letter on an equal footing with your court order, as if there was some equivalence. They really do not see themselves as others see them. Put a big poo (or two) in the recycling for him next time you put it out

You are dealing with a very nasty man. Keep that letter he gave you. If he's demanding a quid pro quo in the letter, and spells this out, in exchange for not going to Social Welfare, then he's blackmailing you, which is a crime no matter what the circumstances.

Wishing you strength and courage, and I hope your mum can stay a while.

Yes exactly. You are in the thick of it now so it might be difficult for you to see things objectively, but we can:

He is blackmailing you. This letter proves it. This is evidence of his character.

Furthermore, normal men don`t wish to take their children away from their mothers. Only abusers want to pull stunts like that. Normal men (and there are lots of them!) understand that children need their mother and simply want to have a degree of access to their children after divorce, because they love them.

Your H is revealing his true colours left right and centre. If you go to the courts will that weird 4:00am text be relevant now? You can use that as an example of how he has been messing with your mind.

Oh he's blackmailing me alright! Turned up on the doorstep unannounced at 7am this morning, when I said he couldn't come in - he threatened to send 'The Letter'.

Rang at 7.55am to tell me he knew I was logging his visit in a diary. Said if I wrote anything negative - he would send 'The Letter'

Rang at 7.10am to say he wanted the (unclothed) photographs of me. I had actually destroyed them several weeks ago! I stalled him and got the 3rd degree as to when he'd get them, where were they etc.

This is just going to go on and on.
The same old control and dominance that I experienced when I was married. Do as he wants or pay consequences. I rather niavely thought I could manage him once I had got him out of the house. But he hasn't gotten out of controling my life - he will not allow me to separate from him - wants to keep me under his posession, to remain a puppet. It is so exhausting trying to evade him all the time, the constant phone contact and texts, I'm still at his beck and call. This is how he has worn me down for years, constantly making demands, voicing his needs to me, explaining how he wants things to be done. He is trying to drain me and drag me down again to a point where I just submit for a quiet life to get him off my back.

Another phonecall as I type this - again trying to pin me down as to when he'll get the photos

You have all my sympathies, therealme, this sounds absolutely exhausting. You definitely need a good solicitor on the case.

I agree with the others who say he is being stupid and damaging his own case. It would be harder to convince a judge if he was now being sweetly reasonable. The veil has been lifted, the gloves are off...It's gonna be tough, but you can do it, therealme!

WHat's this about photos? Why does he want them?

Get a solicitor today. Get onto Women's Aid today. Take control fast.

Yes katisha. Photographs taken years ago. He wants them to 'remind him of happier times'. Apparently

Learning not to believe a word out of his mouth.
He ended his latest call saying 'We can be friends can't we?'
Sure we can, as long as he remains in control of my life. I'll say no, he'll blackmail me, then we can be 'friends' again. Till the next round.

Very tired and drained

God yes it's just so exhausting dealing with all this fantasy crap...

I think I would take the letter to social services and the police myself and explain the circumstances. Be contrite and offer to make any amends possible. Say it is only possible to address this now as you have finally got yourself away from this man and are able to think straight.

I have no idea how this could pan out, but I do know that he has been threatening you with this for far too long and the only way you will ever stop him frm doing that is to remove the ammunition he has.

therealme - I have been following your story closely but haven't felt that there was anything I could add to the wise advise you are always given. Although it shouldn't surprise me, I cannot believe the cruelty and deluded confidence of this man. All "the letter" should demonstrate is that he has abused you and withheld funds from you and his own children for years. He should be the one who is afraid of that info coming to light.

I know this is easier said than done but is there any way you can take control back over this constant calling/texting situation? It really needs to stop. At the very least, could you just tell him that you are willing to talk to him between such and such time ONLY (at a time that you decide and at your convenience) and will not return his calls or answer the phone at any other time? I don't know...just some way of making communications more on your terms? There is not one reason on this earth for him to be calling you about photographs for god's sake.

I am seriously rooting for you and wishing you lots of strength.

Goosey and Greyclay,
Thank you for your words of support. Yes, I will be 'coming clean' to social welfare soon. I will make an appointment when my Womens Aid advisor is free to go with me. She has had experience of this before and she can explain what emotional abuse is far better then I ever could.

I will be going to see a solicitor first though so I am fully aware of what I may or may not face legally.

In the meantime, until I have spoken to social welfare and put my case forward first, I cannot do anything to rile my ex. That means agreeing to all his demands and answering the phone to him. I would not dare tell him he can only ring between certain times while he has this hold over me, I have never been allowed to put any demands on him. Things are about to change on that issue though!

No, he wants the photos of you naked to use against you, to threaten you with. He will threaten to show them around to his mates or post them on the internet. Do not give him anything of this sort. Go through your belongings and destroy anything of this nature, including negatives and computer photo files. Please, please, please change the locks. When he told you he had gone through the recycling, he was telling you he will not stop there. Your house is not private and your things are not safe if he can get in.

I agree that you should not answer the calls from him, or the texts, except at a set time every second day or whatever, in your own sweet time. Keep a note of the calls and their frequency -- a lot of calls in a short time is evidence of harassment. Again, if this goes on, stop in at the local station and see if you can chat with a Ban Garda or whoever they have assigned to domestic violence. If he gets angered by your failure to answer the phone or texts, comes around to the house and demands to get in or starts yelling, call the Guards. If he shows up at an unreasonable hour, call the Guards. Get WA to help you sort the SW thing, along with your solicitor. Bring the letter to WA and ask them if this can be shown to the Guards and if they will take any action. Blackmail is a crime. I am also pretty sure it's a violation of your Order.

I think you actually can risk riling your ex by not answering the phone, but you are the best judge of your situation. If you do answer, you can be completely non-committal on the phone. Say things like, 'I'll think about that' or make other vague noises, like 'Friends again, that's interesting..' instead of letting him engage you in conversation, and especially not in argument. Don't fall into the trap of speaking more than the bare minimum. Don't fill up silence with your voice. Say your chosen words and then stop.

TRM, there is no managing a man like this, as you are realising. The illusion of control by the victim is actually a factor in prolonging abusive relationships (no judgment of you implied here it's just how the dynamic works). The fact you are now seeing him as beyond your capacity to manage is fantastic. You are disengaging! He is now "out there" for the police to deal with this is why I would risk riling him, because he will cross lines that the law has laid down, lines that he will assume are for losers, not special people like him. The trick is to do it safely, though, so be safe at least.

oh good lord what a wanker.

I think he has handed you proof that he is an emotional abuser. This is the level of threat you've been living under for the last however many years.

Of all the women that are grassed up to social welfare, how many are grassed up by their own x husbands? How does it make him look? A million, billion times worse.

It's extremely stressful for you when it's at this stage NOT yet resolved, but as somebody else said, it supports the story you were going to tell the SW anyway. He really has nailed his colours to the mast with this evil little letter. The woman from WA will be able to make the social welfare see that.

Sorry in advance this is rather preachy...but...
Therealme- you wrote:
"That means agreeing to all his demands and answering the phone to him. I would not dare tell him he can only ring between certain times while he has this hold over me, I have never been allowed to put any demands on him."

"His demands" is what this is all about. You are not the means for 'his demands' to be fulfilled, ever again. Normal people make requests, offer compromises, negotiate particulars to everyone's satisfaction.

Whenever your physical body feels a demand has been issued-and I expect you know what I'm talking about-your stomach turns and the tension tightenes up from head to toe as if you are on a torture rack...do not respond to him. Blank him. No-Nothing-Nada is all he gets.

What does your body feel like when the phone rings?

No, you do not need to pick up. You have control over that. You have been brought up to be considerate and answer the phone when ever it rings, as a reflex (I am this way, too).

But no! It is a choice. It is perfectly reasonable to set time frames for phones-friends have let it be known that they take calls between 9am and 8pm-don't expect an answer at any other time because they will not pick up. You do not need to "tell him" what your policy is, as someone earlier mentioned. You do not owe him an explanation for not being at his beck-and-call because you are in control of your life now.

It doesn't have to be set up as a strategy against xhN, but it is a part of the new framework for the life you want to lead now that you have complete control over it.

YOU DO NOT OWE HIM A DAMN THING!! Not plant, animal or mineral. Not physical, intellectual, emotional, or spiritual.

"You have never been allowed..." That is what a child would say, Therealme. Please get yourself out of that role.

TMSB stepping off her apple box...
He has upped the ante, and I know it is serious. But you do have logical explanations for your history. Print out MathAnxiety's guidelines and put them on your refrigerator. Follow them.

Take care, dh just walked in and well, what's for dinner?

I might have mentioned this earlier in the thread but, if he is spying on you, has he ever had access to your PC/laptop? Do make sure he hasn't put on monitoring software. This stuff is cheap and frightening, something like eblaster can mean that every single thing you type and every window is emailed back to him.

Hardly any programmes detect these types of software. I know that spycop does.

Oh, you poor thing. It sounds awful, but please try to picture yourself 6 months from now. It will be over.

If you stop answering the phone, do you think he will increase his abuse to another level? Do you think its best to just answer the phone and placate him until you make your next move?

Otherwise I think you should stop answering the phone because each phone call is going to weaken your resolve. It is his tactic as others have pointed out. Hes bombarding you with these arrows in the hope youll just cave into his demands.

1. PLease log all the phone calls; are they on your mobile so you have records of his abusive behaviour?
2. I know you have so much on your mind already but please change the locks today.

OMG, maybe he does have some spy softwear! Sorry, don` t want to make you paranoid, but do you think he could do something like that? Is he computer literate enough? Would he know about that kind of thing?
OK, can you get out to an internet cafe nearby to type the most important mails?

He sounds evil. At least hes making it easy for you to decide whether youve made the right decision or not!

He has broken the terms of the Court Order. Tell the police.

You have an Order against him for non-abuse and harassment. I repeat he is breaking and has broken that order.

Tell the police. Otherwise what is the Order for? You must not answer his calls or texts. Do not answer the door to him. Call the police instead. I mean dial 999 or the equivalent there is there is one.

Change the locks if you have not.

Enforce the Order you so bravely got.

I know this is all frightening to think of doing but I think you should use every professional help available to you now.

Sod the letter, do NOT give him the photos. Forget about spywear and making yourself anxious and paranoid. Just keep on relying on the police, on WA, on emergency numbers, on the DV unit...ie on the professionals.

Can you go an stay anywhere for a short break from this harassment to gather strength again? When is your mother coming?

Do you have neighbours close by? Are you in a street of houses I mean or rural-ish? How did he get to your bin?

You can get through this and you will. He needs locking up frankly.

The Order is supposed to protect you from blackmail and harassment (repeated phone calls, and texts at 4 am, and going through your recycling). (BTW, where do you dispose of wine bottles, medicine bottles, etc.?) He is testing you to see what sort of fight you will put up, to see if you are really prepared to stand up to him, if you really believe the Order or the reasons it was granted. He has no respect for the law and probably rolls his eyes at the Order, and the idea that you could possibly have any power in this situation.

The Garda DV people want to help women like you, TRM, before there's a call for an ambulance or a crime scene to clean up. XXX

Hi everyone,
Just to update things....
Still being blackmailed into meeting ex h's demands with threat of 'The Letter' being sent. Latest demand was that I supply him with my car ins policy number and I refused. Irite phoncall this morning whilst cruising the frozen fish section in Tesco, basically unleashing his anger and much cursing at me because the ins company would not deal with him on the phone. So now I have until 2:30 tomorrow to provide him with it or he sends 'The Letter'
I will not be providing it and have infact informed him that I will be pursuing my Barring and Safety Orders in court on the 8th.

I also rang social welfare to let them know this letter was likely to arrive. They will do nothing until they receive it but suggested I also write in giving my own account of things and include a letter from the guards.
That is all I can do on this subject for now.

I have a solicitors appointment on Tuesday in preparation for my court hearing on the 8th. I am finally beginning to feel as though I am getting somewhere now and not just dangling on the end of my ex's string of demands. Not looking forward to being assassinated in court, but will face the fear and do it anyway!

Btw, Unlikely, I did look into having ex arrested for breeching the protection order but apparently unless he threatens my physical safety he hasn't broken it

TRM -- Good for you . Ringing SW and taking this thing by the horns is a great move. And well done for holding out against his attempt to bully you into handing over the info about the insurance. His ego will soon come face to face with reality and hopefully he will be surprised that the world at large sees him in a light that is far different from the version of himself that lives in his head.

You sound like a woman who means business. XXXX

Well done TRM!

Six weeks today, Therealme.
I certainly would have imploded by now.

You are doing so well. Calling in about the letter is a stroke of genius. But then it is what an honest person would do.

I am glad for you that your reflexes are in check and your brain is more engaged in the moment as in your handling of the car insurance request. What was he going to do? Cancel it for you?

I think youre going to be fine in court. Really, really great that youve already contacted social welfare.
And I agree with mathanxiety: the world sees him as we and you do-- not as he sees himself. Ns don`t live in reality so when reality bites them it is a huge shock for them.