Narsissistic personality disorder

[therealme]

I'm English, living overseas. I'm married for 17 yrs and most of that has been pretty awful. I recently 'came clean' about my abusive relationship with dh on a parenting site where I live and I have had my eyes opened for the first time that maybe it's not all my fault anymore. I have blamed myself for everything that has 'gone wrong' in my marriage - although I have genuinly messsed up on more than one occasion.

I received a lot of support from people but didn't believe I was worthy of it. Then somebody suggested I google Narsissistic Personality Disorder and that is the moment my whole world changed. For the very fist time I began to see that maybe it wasn't ME that might have all the problems. I saw my 'perfect' dh described in black and white and the words 'personality disorder' were attached to his behaviours. To say the ground shifted from under me would be an understatement.

So now I find myself at a turning point in my life. I know I have to end my marriage. It's emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive. I now recognise that I am a shell of the person that I once was, have had the life blood drained out of me, but still have enough of a spark in me to want to fight for some peace of life at 42! I have 3 children whom I love and adore - but who also love their Daddy. I'm living financially independently from my dh who refused to support me financially after ds 2 was born 6 yrs ago. I want him out of the house and out of my life!

I've made my mind up, but I am still so weak when it comes to taking action. I have spent so long living in a confused and guilt-ridden state, does that make sense?
Is there anybody out there who has experience of living with a narsissistic partner? How do you make the break? How do you ever find the strength to stand up to them in order that you might have some quality of life left for yourself? Please advise.....

Good woman yourself!

Silence from my ex h since Thursday. And I mean silence. No unplanned visits to the house, no phonecalls, no texts.
No reply to my text giving arrangements for ds's birthday on Weds.
His phone was turned off when ds tried to ring him yesterday and today. He never turns his phone off and would always return a call to his son.

I don't know whether to be relieved or afraid.
Don't know whether he'll turn up for ds's birthday or not.
Wondering if he'll even turn up for court on Thurs!

Well I know I have broken the cycle by not giving in to his demands. I've never stood up to him like this before and he thought he had the ultimate power over me by threatening to send that wretched letter.
When I refused to give him my car ins policy number he flew into a rage with me because it meant he could not secure a discount in order to insure a new car he wants to buy. I stopped him from getting what he wants. He always gets what he wants! He must really hate me right now.

THat calmness can be spooky can't it! you're used to their griping and tricks and then nothing........

Wow it is this Thursday... did you say you dont have to go to court for a legal separation? Wil he be there? sorry if you've said this before.

sorry just read back. I'm gathering that you do have to go.

he is testing you, please dont worry, just stay focused, this is how he wants you too feelx

Ah yes, of course, I am probably being given the silent treatment before he makes his grand entrance into court on Thursday. He is so pissed off with me right now and in the past this was always followed by a withdrawal of all 'friendly' interaction. He would retreat to his domain (the bedroom) and freeze me out. So I guess that is what he is doing now - freezing me out.

Maggie, having agreed to withdraw from the court hearing for the Barring/Safety Orders in order to go for mediation and a legal separation, I have now reverted back again. This was following his rage at me on the phone last Thurs because I refused to give him what he wanted and I got threatened with that bloody letter again to soc wel.

I spent this afternoon writing to soc wel putting forward my account. But in all honesty I have just reached saturation point now where his blackmail is concerned. I really don't care if soc wel believe me or not - I will not live like this anymore. I am not going to be an intimidated downtrodden doormat who must submit to an abusive arrogant loser for the rest of my life.
So there!

#cheer#

You have the right attitude TRM, nothing, not even SW not believing you, could be as bad as being blackmailed by him and living under his control forever.

When you say you've 'reverted' what does that mean?! that you will go to court for a legal separation but with no mediation? or, for the first step in getting a divorce??

Reading all of your posts since June has for me been a retrospective validation of the decisions I felt backed into at the time. DOes that make sense..

Reading what you've been through with him, the way he's been round to the house every ten minutes, and the blackmail and photos, and the letter to sw, I could never have got through it all being in the same country. I would have cracked, done some thing crazy! and he would have dialled 999 and had me towed away before you could say NPD.

I will be thinking of you on Thursday!

Wow, you are all so brave, well done for surviving a npd partner or family member!

This thread has taken a long time to read.

I wish the op well in court!

I also am a survivor of exh npd, and have some issues, but do not want to hijack this thread so am starting another.

Hi Maggie, I had told my ex I would go on Thurs to withdraw my hearing for the barring/safety orders.
Now I am not - I want that hearing to go ahead.

Don't know what I do about a legal separation after that? But it ain't gonna be done through mediation.
Presumably I engage a solicitor and it goes to court?

I think also there is a 4 year waiting time after legally separating before you can apply for a divorce over here?
Still, only for that divorce referendum a few years ago and I would have had to remain married to him till I went to the grave!

That's very wise. Don't get that removed. You've done it, he's kicked off about it and now it's in place. There'd be no reason to have it removed. It protects you.

Can you do the irreconcilable differences thing/? If you say you've been sleeping on the sofa for the last year, then maybe you can have a no blame divorce?

have you got a good solicitor ? have you had to pay upfront with the legal aid form going missing??

If he was in the habit of texting you from the bedroom with his instructions and commands, would that indicate that you were living separately (in a legally married but physically separated state) but under the same roof? You might be able to chop some of the "time served" off the waiting time (I think 4 years sounds a bit on the long side). I agree about the barring/safety orders, and get yourself a solicitor.

Yes, have a solicitor recommended by W A; well experienced in family law. It will be a relief if I don't have to go into minute detail trying to explain how emotional abuse works to him.
I'm also hoping the Judge on Thurs won't need me to explain the whole EA thing?
I have listed all the examples of 'threats to my personal safety' that have happened in the past. Also written down a list of everything he has done since the separation including the blackmail. I'm hoping I will be able to refer to these notes in court as I remember how nervous I was the last time I was there.
My biggest fear is not knowing what excuses he will put out as to why he behaved the way he did. He will accuse me of having been abusive to him by not returning to work. Of claiming benefits fraudulently and putting him in the position of living illegally in the house to be with his kids. He'll say that he tried so hard to be a 'good' husband but it was thrown back in his face etc.
I am going to need to try to explain how these things didn't just happen like that! That there was a whole history of me trying to do things right, to fix things and failing miserably. So much to try and put into mere words though.

All the barristers, judges and solicitors know eachother, and if your solicitor is one often recommended by WA,t hen that is shorthand in court for husband a wanker.

Of course his solicitor wont care, but still hopefully the judge will have a headsup.

I know what you mean about being nervous and mind going blank. Somebody at cab asked me what did i mean by 'controlling' (before I knew about npd) and I couldn't think of anything.

Make a written list of all the worst stuff he did to you (for which there is NO excuse) and make it really succinct so that if asked you can rattle off without taking a breath or needing to wrack your brains all the things he's done to you. Don't let your mind go blank. Rehearse it.

Things I block out come back to me all the time. Even today I remembered the time I was sleeoping in the spare room (well trying to) and my x came in with an electric drill to take the bed apart in the middle of the night and then ordered me back to bed. god knows what hte neighbours thoughT

You can't really accuse someone of not doing something courts deal with things that have been actively done surely. Regarding returning to work, if you had children, if you are living in a foreign country far from your family and childcare wouldn't have been affordable or easily available, if you have a DC with special needs, if your educational attainments might or might not have counted for anything in Ireland, can these factors be taken into account? He lived with the benefits situation quite happily while it was happening he realistically can't turn around and say it tortured him and kept him from sleep all the time it was happening. You can claim he didn't support you and it was benefits or starve, for you and the DCs. That "letter" shows far more clearly what sort of human garbage he is than anything he will try spouting in court.

I think you can bring notes to court and refer to them. Is anyone from WA going with you? The only thing I would say is don't cry, and be respectful to the judge. And speak only through the judge -- don't argue with the ex directly no matter what he says. Judges rule the courtroom and none of them tolerate private business or any continuation of personal matters in front of them. To him or her you are a case to be dealt with among many others. Take deep breaths, look the judge in the eye, no eye-rolling or shaking of the head or other gestures while anyone else is speaking. Try to present yourself as mature and reasonable and keep your voice quiet and clear.

Hello therealme

I thought this might give you some hope...

I have had three court appearances with my ex-HN. Each of the first two times he presented a pack of lies to the court, and so nothing could be achieved.

Last week we had our final hearing...two days of cross-examination of each of us by our barristers and the judge. My ex-HN surpassed himself in his arrogance and lies. He distilled twenty years of his treatment of me into two days in front of the court. Even I was shocked and I have seen it all before.

The judge and both legal teams were visibly shocked and upset by his attitude and his words. He was vile. Vile about my (and his) children and vile about me.

Anyway....he was punished by the judge. My solicitor who is very experienced and head of the partnership said he had never seen anything like it in all his years of practice. My barrister carefully exposed ex-HN's true nature, and my ex-HN did not bother to disguise this.

I just told the truth, and stayed calm. I spoke to the judge. I was respectful, I called the judge 'Sir' , I did not pull faces, I did not interrupt. It was hugely upsetting and I have been ill ever since.

BUT....I achieved a good settlement, more even than my team had hoped for. And the judge told my ex that he was not a very nice person.

Those words were of more worth to me than any money.

My ex then went home and cried in front of my son.

He already has a new family lined up, and more money than he can ever spend...he has not given me a penny for nearly three years..and indeed I paid for almost everything in the marriage.

Anyway...just to show you that the truth will out....and to stick in there. The judges are very clever people. They have seen it all before. They are not stupid. If you have right on your side you will come through in the end.

I now have time to recover and think about my future. And my money fears are over at last.

My ex-HN thought we should just go away and live in a ditch. He more or less said this in court. He just could not stop himself his arrogance is so great.

Hopefully your H will be the same.

Keep strong...I am proof that you CAN do it.

You can beat these half-humans.

xxxxxx

maggiebehave electric drill??? Jeepers.

GG I am feeling sick. the bloke didnt ring and I have drunk too much. room is a lovely goin-round myriad colour.

Thank you for your support and advice and generally keeping me sane at the moment.

I have had a terrible evening. His mam rang at half 7 to ask if she could collect the dc to see their dad for half an hour. I agreed to the boys going as the little one was in bed. Said I wanted them back at half 9 latest.
Their dad dropped them back. In his new car I hasten to add.
Ds 1 was v upset. His birthday is on Weds, asked his dad if he was going (I organised bowling for all extended family to keep a nuetral venue) and the told him he couldn't go because if there was a row I would call the Guards.
I got ds to ring him to ask him again as it looked like we were heading for a full AS meltdown and he was told his dad would ring me.

So; he rang an hour ago. Said he wanted writen (text) confirmation that I was paying for the bowling. Also that the money that was budgeted for son's birthday would now only be from him - leaving me one day to sort out son's gift from myself.
Also that he wanted all communication from now on to be in letter form as he couldn't have me threatening to ring the Guards everytime he 'got annoyed' at me on the ph.
FFS! He flew into a rage at me on Thurs!

Anyway, he got 'annoyed' apparently because I lied, that's something I am often accused of btw. Except now I quoted back that WA charter; that I was entitled to change my mind. No. That is 'lying' in his warped sense of reality. Always black and white.
Except now I can see how not normal it all is. Other women change their minds and are not accused of lying. Other couples get annoyed but don't resort to rage fuelled phonecalls where they spit curses at their spouse.

Bloody hell. Sorry, I'm wound up again. Going to google E A now so I can put together another list for my solicitor and court. Plus try to work out what the hell I can do about getting my son a present in the hour I have spare tomorrow after seeing solicitor.
Vent over

P.S. Maggie, that electric drill insane act reminded me of the time ex N decided I hadn't been watering the plants and had neglected them. So he picked them all up, and there were a lot of them, and threw them all out of the back door into the garden. It was Christmas Day.

TRM, I think that after this birthday you should do separate birthdays. I know it's hard but your children WILL be able to deal with both of their parents giving them a separate birthday treat. I know my dd is only 7 and not 10, and she's my nt child, not my sn child, so I know it's different...

My dc2 is prone to the odd melt down.

Children on the spectrum can deal with facts quite well. I don't know about AS so excuse me if I'm saying something which just wouldn't 'fly' but can you tell your son somehting mantra style every day, along the lines of "mummy loves you. daddy loves you. Mummy and daddy aren't going see a lot of eachother now so you can have two birthday celebrations from now on.

But the ball back in that tightwad's court. let him pay for something, let him deal with a melt down or two. (I don't mean to let your son suffer unneccessarily, but you shouldn't deal with everything)

ps, what I mean is, in a nutshell, you be a good mother, and if he's a mean lazy forgetful father who arranges nothing, does nothing, pays for nothing, don't rush in to plug the gap. TO use one of Arnie's expressions (I'll wash in bleach later), he'll never step up to the plate if you're paying for the birthday treat that he takes 50% of the glory for.

trm, I know your situation is complicated and dreadful beyond belief, but from an outsiders point of view, it seems very clear indeed that you should stop trying to involve him in your dcs life, especially from the point of view of doing ANYTHING together, like a joint present or bowling!

Sorrry if I'm out of line.

Getting a grip, was that a final hearing for finances you had?

It must have been horrible for you.

When you say

He distilled twenty years of his treatment of me into two days in front of the court. Even I was shocked and I have seen it all before.

Do you mean that he admitted that he treated you badly for twenty years or that he showed his true colors in those two days of what he was like for twenty years?

You say after the hearing he cried infront of your son, what age is your son, is he ok after all of that?

What plans have you made for your future?

Are you going to do something nice for yourself now that it is all over, that will be a treat to you and help you relax after all of that horrible stuff?

TRM, I wouldn't dare risk doing joint stuff with my anymore and if anything, I think your x is even nastier than mine, and that is saying something! My x looser with fists though. (Hang on, is there an award?!?!!? here, have this virtual medal [@]

I have not risked doing anything joint for so long now. He just can't stop with the digs. Even when we used to go for a juice with the children after I'd only been here 10 months, he'd be mocking me... say all innocent, "so you bought a house yet then Maggie?" I'd ignore him. "So, you passed your driving test then Maggie?", "so, you met somebody new yet Maggie?" "so you training to be a midwife yet then Maggie?" these snide little questions would be interspersed throughout the seemingly innocuous gettogether in a cafe or zoom.... then just before he'd walk off he'd sneer, "so was it worth it then maggie?" (leaving him). He actually imagined I was chewed up full of regrets!!!! that I would have gone back to him only that I'd burned my bridges. He kept telling me how he'd never take me back. I'd say, that's fine. You move on, go on. Then he'd say, "you're a cruel cold bitch".

Apart from the wknd before last when he called the couchon on me !! He gets a runner-up prize for that... I hadn't seen him in over a year. That was such heaven on earth. I'm annoyed that I've blotted my copy book by having a run in with him. BUT, in time I'll clock up another 18 months without having seen him.

I'm so lucky that I have somebody to do the handovers for me. I wonder would WA have any suggestions for volunteers to arrange handovers???