Husband says it's over, wants custody of DD

[MollFlounders]

I would really appreciate some thoughts on my situation. I've posted a few times recently about DH. There have been issues in the past but things have been particularly rocky since I went back to FT work 3 months ago (DD is now 9 months old). DH has always been quite selfish and inflexible (previous threads on this are here and here) and this has, for me, become more and more difficult to cope with since having to juggle a demanding job and of course DD. Things are at the point where counselling is required. I found a counselling group who will see us each separately and then together in a facilitated session.

So DH and I had yet another row yesterday morning. It was very trivial. I was hosting an event for some clients. DH managed to get his own last minute invitation to the same event (going as a client himself, of another host). I offered to give DH a lift in my work taxi, but on condition we operated on my timing seeing though I had to get there to meet my clients (DH is usually late to everything). DH was very pleased about the lift otherwise he was stuck with a long tube trip. We agreed, I thought, that we would leave the house asap but would absolutely be in the cab by 9am. I was up and ready, having also gotten DD up and ready for her day, by 8.30am. As it happened, my taxi arrived to collect me at 8.40am. DH had gotten up at 8am and proceeded to faff around the house getting himself ready in slow motion. I asked him a few times if it was possible to hurry things along a little as the cab was waiting downstairs with the meter ticking along. He just kept repeating in icy tones "we agreed we would leave at 9. We will leave at 9". So we left at 9.00am on the dot, with me standing around waiting for him in the meantime. In the cab, I expressed my frustration at his inflexibility and I said that I didn't feel it was normal to be so incredibly rigid. He basically said "if you want normal, you're with the wrong person. I'm not normal."

I didn't see DH again last night as he went out with a friend after the event and came home late. This morning, he was monosyllabic. I reminded him that he needed to call the counsellor for his separate session. DH said "there's no point going to a counsellor unless you tell me that your behaviour yesterday morning was totally unacceptable and will never be repeated again". Apparently I was relentless in my nagging and this is totally unacceptable and tantamount to treating him with contempt. After all, I know he hates being rushed in the mornings.

DH then asked me if I want custody (I know it's residence) of DD and I said absolutely. Asked him what he wants, he says he wants custody. She is 9 months old. We have a daily nanny but I do everything for DD outside of that. A family lawyer has told me that it seems clear that I'm the primary caregiver and that I could move out with her if the marriage ends. My main priority in all of this is DD's happiness and stability.

I guess I've got two questions. Does the situation with DH sound hopeless? I feel we're at the make or break point but I'd go through counselling if there was a chance of it working. But if he's saying counselling is pointless then can you make it work?? Other question: what do people do with residence and contact when it comes to small babies? How often would be reasonable for DH to see DD and how do you do this (e.g. him coming to my place)??

I think having a child is the biggest strain you can put on a relationship and imo men usually go through this' all the attention is taken away from me' sulk. On top of that you are stressed trying to juggle a job, a child and a house.
Its easy when you need your life to be so organised to try and organise even your husband, he also now needs to be in a timetable, in order for everything to run smoothly. Unfortunatly instead of being that loving, forgiving, nuturing wife that you were pre children you are now the tired, stressed out women who (and this happens to a lot of people)ends up talking to their husband like a child (and yes its prob because they act like one).
He will continue to play the child role as long as you are playing the parent role.
You loved each other enough to make a child together, how about now giving this some time to work through it.Try and find time to be that couple you first were together, try and find that partnership again, and when he is feeling wanted and needed again perhaps he will start acting like a husband and father.

I think just from your OP his first asking if you want custody of dd and then saying he wants custody of your dc is very similar to his behaviour in saying he would be ready in time to leave with you in the morning and then faffing about even after the taxi arrived for 20 minutes whilst the meter was running. I am afraid I would have left with the taxi at 8.40l, not necessarily nastily but perhaps it would have been possible to say "the taxi is here, I'll have to leave now. I don't think you're quite ready, are you? So I'll see you at the Event" And just leave.

It sounds as if he wants to rile you for whatever reason. perhaps he himself isn'tquite sure why. I would go and see a councillor alone who could help you analyse his behaviour, what is going on in the relationship and ways for you to handle it. I don't know if the relationship is hopeless or not based on the OP.

At the same time, go and see a lawyer or get clear advice elsewhere on what to do in case of a seperation/divorce and plan now so that if it does come to that, you will have custody.

There are obviously some serious issues in your relationship, but,the agreed time to leave was 9.00am and your DH was ready to leave by then. If it were me I would have been upset with you too.

IME when things start to go wrong in a relationship very small issues become big issues and both parties become inflexible. This is the sort of thing that counselling can help with, so if you think there is any hope for the relationship then that's what counselling is for.

Thanks Tulip and Zen. Tuplip - you're absolutely right about the change that has taken place in our relationship. I do feel DH has reacted really badly to my changed focus since we've had DD. He is so unbelievably intolerant of the adjustments needed- he says that all the problems go back to when I returned to FT work, but he hasn't allowed me any time to try and get on top of my now multiple commitments. He is also resentful of the fact that our "lives revolve around DD" - which seems to me to be hard to avoid when you have a young baby. DH has an unforgiving nature so I don't know how we find the road back to partnership. I don't even remember when we had one. I suppose I also feel pretty fed up myself and struggle with the idea of having to molly coddle him along so he feels wanted again. He just feels like a big kid who is not getting his way. Maybe that's too harsh.

Zen I did think about just leaving in the taxi but if I had then he would have had a massive strop about that anyway. I don't think he's sure about his behaviour either.

I feel exhausted and hopeless about all of this. It's like a very bad dream.

I agree with GrinnyPig. You'd agreed to leave by 9, and your DH was ready by the agreed time. If you were ready earlier, and spent the intervening time nagging him then it would put my back up too.

Offer to leave him with dd for a week to test hs new found desire to be a primary carer ...

he resents that life revolves around dd yet he wants custody of her. there is no logic in it, so he is acting or reacting out of emotion. I suspect he is not aware himself what these insecurities of his are and where they come from.

I think the custody thing is just to punish you. I would agree with others than many men want to feel the centre of home life and resent being usurped by their dc. It is all totally unreasonable and entirely unfair on you, but you know that.

I still think you should go alone to get advice in the first instance, time permitting. Then pre-armed with that, try family counselling if he shows willingness.

Perhaps a trial seperation might be on the cards at some stage.

I think Gin and Domo are right - if you agreed 9 am then it was unreasonable to ask him to be ready. And I would argue that the taxi meter is irrelevant - the cab arrived early, so you shouldn't be paying for additional waiting time. Or at worst, your company should be paying, not you. I think you were being a bit disrepectful of his time insisting on changing the plans like that at the last minute.

Having said that, his response to you seems a little OTT. Reading your OP I would say that you both seem to be very inflexible, not just him. You are flexible with your own time, but not his and he seems to have very strong feelings about things that aren't necessarily a big deal.

I think you should apologise for changing the plans (Unnecessarily) like that but make it clear that doesn't mean that you think things are all perfect or that his behaviour doesn't also need work.

Oh, yes, I remember you and this wank stain of a husband resenting how his life's been changed by a child he brought into the world.

And now he wants custody.

LOL.

Get a good lawyer.

Moll: I posted on your initial thread about your DH going to the gym, and thought then that this was not a relationship that was going to work out too well. THis man is basically selfish through and through. He doesn't want custody of your DD at all, because he is not interested in looking after her, he is just claiming to want custody in order to upset you.
I get the impression that the bottom line of his thinking is that he is a MAN and you are only a 'woman', and the fact that you earn more than him, have a DD you love and are getting on successfully with your life means he has to constantly make difficulties for you in order to try to make you understand that he is the one who matters in the household and you, because you don;t have a penis, are only an appendage.

I fully understand,you have one child of course you resent your husband who is supposed to be your partner now acting like one. If you asked him he probably wouldn't understand why he was doing it I just know from talking to my chums that they all seem to 'grow out' of this pahase once the child is able to interact with them a little more. I suspect he is feeling redundant and is therefore acting like an idiot.
You just need to be strong. I think counselling is a really good idea as it will get you both communicating on the same level again.
But while you wait for your appt just try this out, tonight when he gets home make a real fuss of him, tell him how much you missed him today and make comments alluding to the 'close bond' he has with dd. Within an hour his ego will be so inflated he will prob just be bearable to be around tonight. All my freinds use this trick, including me.
I don't think he is being truthful about the custody stuff. Hes just throwing his toys out of his pram.

'But while you wait for your appt just try this out, tonight when he gets home make a real fuss of him, tell him how much you missed him today and make comments alluding to the 'close bond' he has with dd. Within an hour his ego will be so inflated he will prob just be bearable to be around tonight. All my freinds use this trick, including me.'

I can't believe the number of women on this board who mollycoddle grown men like this and think this is really a great way to organise your life.

It's saddening, that women think so little of themselves they put up with people who treat them so poorly.

"tonight when he gets home make a real fuss of him, tell him how much you missed him today and make comments alluding to the 'close bond' he has with dd. Within an hour his ego will be so inflated he will prob just be bearable to be around tonight."

Really? Is this what the OP should aspire to? Lying to her husband and hoping that he will 'just be bearable'? Lordy!

Moll, I had a very similar situation with DD's dad. He was very resentful at how having a baby had changed our lives, and his unhappiness made him very controlling, critical, and unforgiving.

In the end I couldn't bear it anymore, and we separated at the start of this year. I would have liked to go for counselling, but he wasn't up for it.

I have to say that my life is 100% better now. It is a huge relief not to have to live with that sort of tension, and just enjoy life with DD.

Not saying this is right for you. I am very lucky, as I actually get on much better with XP now and he is pretty reasonable. He has her a couple of nights a week, and a day at the weekend, and it works out fine.

In your shoes I would definitely go for counselling. He is probably saying that it is pointless because he is angry and frustrated - he may well get into it. I am sorry that we did not go for counselling, as I would have liked some 'closure' (ugh) on the relationship.

Hopefully you will be able to work through these issues. If not, you will have given it a go, and imo being a single parent is far easier than living with a reluctant partner.

Either way, you deserve more than a situation that is just 'bearable'. Good luck.

I can see the point of the posters that have said you agreed 9 and he was ready at 9. I'm orry though really if you had a taxi waiting outisde early or not it is common courtesy and reasonable behaviour to speed up and try and be ready a bit sharper even if it is not possible you don't piss about and drag your heels to make sure you are not ready a secind before 9 that is just plain childish.

I lived with someone for 7 years that behaved like this man and yes at the time it may have seemed silly when looked at each individual incidence but believe me over time it breaks you further and further down dealing with a grown up behaving like a child and generally out of sheer bloody mindednes and often spite.

x-posts with expat - hear hear!

Totally agree with expat. Man behaves like a spoiled child, and his wife has to stroke his ego? Pish. Just rewarding bad behaviour.

OP, I remember your thread about your DH going to the gym. I'm afraid he seems utterly selfish and unwilling to try to change - of course adjusting to having a baby can be hard, for men and women, but imo he needs to have a basic willingness to try, and that doesn't seem to be there.

I agree his comments about custody seem to be more about winning a competition and hurting you than any real wish to care for your DD full time. Doesn't sound like he would really be up for it at all.

I'm sorry but if I were you I would not see much future in this without a big change in attitude on his part.

I certainly don't think you should be molly coddling him like a baby but I think it's interesting that everyone is automatically taking the side of the poster. There are always two sides to every story and it wouldn't surprise me if the OPs partner described her as too controlling. It would explain his reluctance to hurry up to be ready for a taxi (which was 20 minutes early) or to change his arrangement to be at the gym.

You don't have to apologise for the taxi incident or to assure him that it won't happen again as he asked, but you could try explaining that this is the reason why you both need to attend counselling sessions to see if there is any hope.

I think it is fairly normal for men to adjust more slowly to parenthood. It doesn't mean they should be able to behave like arseholes, but with a bit of give and take on both sides it might all have a happy ending.

I don't think you need to investigate the custody issue at this stage, I'm sure he's just saying that to piss you off completely.

It depresses me to see people complain about 'having to massage DH's ego' tbh. I see pretty much zero empathy for DHs on these boards generally. DHs need support, just as mums need support from their DH. It's not a one-way street. What's wrong with complimenting him? TBH, most men feel pretty useless after the birth of a baby, beacuse they don't get anything like the support, encouragement or training that mums get, and they get much less opportunity to practice and get involved because they're normally working. Plus, when they do get involved they're acutely aware that they are less knowledgeable and practised that the mum and feel vulnerable to criticism. You have two relationships in your family, and you need to work at both of them, just as he does.

I think the way he spoke to you was completely unacceptable and I can't see a way back tbh. I can't believe he would be given custody of the baby, ask him how he would manage.

Domokun, you say 'DHs need support, just as mums need support from their DH'. Well quite. I presume from this that you have a DH who does support you. That is fantastic, and lots of MNers do write about how terrific their DHs are - I remember a post from expat about how much her DH does.

But people like me, who have had husbands and partners who seemed completely incapable of supporting them in either pregnancy or motherhood, bridle at the thought that our response should be to big them up and make them feel good about themselves. (BTW, I tried this with my XP to zero effect.)

The OP has said that her husband does not support her, does not give her time, that she does everything for their daughter, and that he is resentful of the changes a baby has made to their lives.

Why on earth should she have empathy for him or support him, when he won't do the same for her?

Oh Moll, I'm so sorry it's come to this. I posted on your other thread about roof terraces. To be honest, I can't really advise about custody or anything, but from what I gather on your other thread you are most definitely the primary care giver, and that your h has shown quite a lot of disregard for your dd's safety, which certainly for me, would mean he's not entirely suitable as a primary care giver. Obviously he's her father, but he's shown quite a lot of reluctance to change his lifestyle to a way that might benefit her more, and so in my eyes would be enough not to grant custody.

But I'm no lawyer, just a bystander. I do hope you can find some solution that suits you all and he doesn't start making things more difficult than they already are.

Sorry long gap between starting that post and finishing it... grinnypig - I don't know if you have read any of Moll's other posts but her h seems to have a big problem with the compromise a relationship and parenthood involves. He refuses steadfastly to change his lifestyle in anyway, even to the extent of putting his dd at risk of an accident, and yet he can't move himself a bit so he's ready 20 minutes early to help his dw out. Sorry but that's more than just a bad day, this man sounds to me that he is persistently selfish, to the extent I think he may have some kind of personality disorder.

Well, magging and shouting certainly won't work, but a different approach might. I think it's very easy to fall into a rut, a certain way of doing things, during pregnancy and with very young kids. At that time, you're tired, often physically uncomfortable, and you have to do 90% of the childcare purely for obvious physical reasons (i.e. BF, you're off work and he isn't, etc), and so you're both irritable. It's almost inevitable to avoid feeling resentful and impatient with your DH at that time - everyone does - and it's not usually because they're doing anything wrong, but because you're tired and irritable, you have to do the bulk of the work yourself, and you know what to do (because you've been told, shown, or have experience with other people's babies whereas DH doesn't). You fall into a rut of being pissed off and naggy with your DH, even though there's nothing they're actually doing wrong. And that can persist unless you make a real effort to empathise with them. Mums go from a position of having a good relationship with DH, to having a very close bond with their DC and a constant string of thigns that need doing to support DC. Men go from being a useful partner in a relationship of equals into a situation where they're NOT equal any more, and they don't have a close bond with DC either. They are prone to feeling useless (because they actually often are useless, through no fault of their own) and they need to be supported to help them become useful. The time immediately after having kids is when this should happen, but it requires the mum's help and support to do that, and often they just aren't in the mood to do that. But it's the way to a healthy partnership and back to a partnership of equals and mutual support. If you don't take the time to do that, then you're unlikely to find your DH supports you very much with the kids because he will feel that he's useless with them and anything he does is prone to criticism. The way to solve it is to work at your relationship with him, support him, and encourage him so that he can become an equal in a partnership again. Nagging him and criticising him certainly won't work.

That's not to say that this will work on all DHs, but TBH so many threads on here are posted by mums with small DCs who feel that their DH aren't any help or use. DHs (and men generally) aren't really given any encouragement or support during pregnancy or after birth - in fact, they're generally portrayed as being useless idiots, so it's hardly surprising that some don't respond so well.

'Why on earth should she have empathy for him or support him when he won't do the same for her?'

Because someone has too, and there is a child to consider here too.This is a tough time for both of them, surley we should be encouraging them to sort things out rather than walk away from it all. Yes its an awful situation but I don't think mud slinging is going to be constructive and I don't think being a single parent is going to benefit the poster or the child here either.