dp wants to go away for 3 weeks without me and dc's , what would you say ?

[Lilyloo]

Dp has just announced that his sister who lives in Aus wants to pay for him to come out
next year to see her get married.
Unfortunately we had to say no as the flights for him , me and 3 dc's were just way to much. I was really gutted and so was dp.
However the recent failure of his buisness , which left us in a lot of debt meant we had no option. We are now living to a really tight budget trying to get back on track.
Now his sis has asked how he feels about her paying for him to go.
Now i would love for him to be able to go and see her get married but his family are going for 3 weeks.

He just told me and my initial reaction was 'that's his hols all gone for next year so no chance of us getting away at all.'
He now in a mood as he says i shouldn't be so dismissive , so presume he thought he would be going.

If he does go that's me at home with 3 dc's over easter and ds's birthday . We have bought a tent this year in hope to get cheap hols away but obv i won't be able to go without dp.

Also he will still need spending money for holiday which will be hard to find , probably accomodation etc.

Am i being unfair ? What would you say ?

Sorry it's so long

This isn't a work placement or work trip.

It's a bloody wedding - again probably not the sister's first seeing as she has an 18-year-old daughter - 10,000 miles away and going requires money they don't have and means no family time holiday.

Expat, do you really think he is neglecting/loving his children less because he wants to be away to see his family for 3 weeks?

oh my oh my, "if he doesn't get to go he'll be so upset that he'll treat them badly", for your brain to go there says a lot in my mind.

I don't think we shall ever agree. The green eyed monster is not for you, it is for the OP, of course I don't think you are jelous of a man you have never met, or maybe you are, how the heck would I know and more to the point, why would I care.

If you think your kids would be disadvantaged by daddy being away for 3 weeks to celebrate his sisters wedding then we are in different worlds. Not only will the children be able to see how important family is that even when you don't all live together you still make sacrifises to ensure that where possible you can actually get together to celebrate big important life events.

Not only that, the family dynamic sometimes works well when the dad is away and everyone feels like they are on a bit of an adventure, I know thats what it was like when my dh went for the 3 weeks. It wasn't easy in that I missed him and so did my kids, but missing someone is a good thing. looking forward to seeing them again is great.

If money is the only option then that is a decision he can come to, not one to be imposed upon him.

If you don't suffer from a green monster when you see your dh getting something you would really like and which you think you deserve more then I think you should possibly be nominated for sainthood. As a mere mortal my green eyed monster raises its horrible head at regular intervals and I do all that I can to combat it. Sometimes I don't win but giving into the green eyed monster never works out well.

As has been said many times before - if money means they cannot go - then don't go. But don't use the annual holiday or being on own with kids for 3 weeks as a reason.

the no family issue for me is a non-starter....lol...as we hardly ever have one...this year is the first year in 6 years that all of us together go on a proper fortnightly "Holiday" staying wiht family in Germany...the last time we all went together was when ys was not even thoguht off, and ms was 9 month old....
other than that we had the odd weekend camping together....

READ THE ENTIRE THREAD, gor!

The family's in a huge amount of debt and don't have the money for his lodging nad spending money in Australia.

oops, duh, that was meant to be no Family Holiday issue...

No, FairLady, it's not remotely the same.

Going away for three months on a placement like that could be a life-changing experience for you and the rest of the family.

It's sad to be away from your kids, but it's an investment in your (and their) future.

I would do anything to find a way to support my DH to do something like that, even though I would find it tough to be without him.

Though I agree that you are lucky to have the chance, good for you

It's the same with people talking about people going away for work, or people whose families can't leave a country due to visa restrictions - this isn't about whether or not it is ever OK for one parent to go somewhere without their children. It's specific -

Is it OK for a man with massive debts to take a holiday alone when that will put pressure on the family finances and deny the children a holiday next year?

Do people really only count the cost of a flight when they try to work out whether they can afford to go on holiday? Accommodation (not covered), food and spending money, and getting clothes for the wedding aren't free in Australia. It's not ACTUALLY the land of Oz.

But Bloodyright, without even considering money, my DH doesn't get to see much of our boys during the week, he works long hours and catches up at the weekend. Lots of men are in the same boat. If he used up 3 weeks of his annual leave then he would really miss out on spending time with his sons.

FWIW, my DS1 is at the same school as Op's DS and I "know" her a little from preschool previously. She is one of those unflappable Moms whose DC are always well turned out, pleasant and who herself always looks nice. I only have two DS's and she one of those Mothers who I always feel like have motherhood sorted, and she has 3 DC. I don't think she would be fazed by having her DP away for 3 weeks at all, she copes fabulously.

now wouldn't that be nice skidoodle...if it truely would be the land of OZ I mean

I do agree, if it puts a financial strain on, it is different...but not going on a Holiday is really not that important, family time can be spend at home, etc...and yes, maybe than not in such a stretch of time...but I don't think the Kids will suffer for not going on Holiday one year...

bloodyright the fact that that's what I thought you meant just shows what a looper I think you are.

You are jealous and resentful of your husband and yet you're basically accusing the OP of the same with absolutely no grounds.

For what it's worth, I never think I deserve things more than my husband. That would be weird. I don't have to convince myself to be happy for him, I just am. Because I love him. There's nothing saintly about that. It's normal. It's how I feel about pretty much everybody. Even strangers.

Why should anyone be allowed to make a unilateral decision about family money? Why should he have to decide himself that they can't afford it? What if he decides they can, because he's a selfish git and leaves everyone else short? Is it a good mother that puts up no objections to that?

I didn't say it was a disadvantage to not have their Dad for 3 weeks, I asked what the advantage was. Going further into debt so you can have the chance to miss your Dad for three weeks seems a pretty dubious benefit to me. You have to look REALLY hard for that one.

I do think this is bizarre. A sister is not "extended family". Cousins or great nephews are "extended family"! Do you stop being a brother when you start being a father? He won't have to pay his fare, he is being put up by family and friends in Australia, and presumably he'd have to eat even if he didn't go.

And his children won't be disadvantages by him not being there for 3 weeks. They won't be advantaged either - apart from learning hat the world doesn't necessarily revolve around their needs, but it will do them no harm.

You don't stop being a brother or a sister when you start your own family (or a son or daughter), but you do start having other people you have to consider first IMO.

That's what the rite of passage of getting married is about - starting a new family. It doesn't mean you leave your existing family, but it does mean that their importance in your day-to-day life is diminished. This is much less obvious nowadays, as most people have left home before getting married, so the decision is more like going from being an independent adult to having a spouse (and hopefully dependants, if that's what you want).

My parents used to be my next of kin, now my husband is. That doesn't mean I love them any less, but it means that someone else will make important decisions if I am ill and someone else will inherit from me if I die.

As for the money - right now the idea is that he will stay in a hotel, and sorry but eating on holidays does not cost the same as cooking your own food at home. Do you not brind any extra spending money on holidays for excursions? Don't you think there's be any pressure on him to get involved in expensive trips while he's there?

I have read it Expat, it is just that in my world family comes before money. I would live on stale bread and water for months rather than not let him go.(I would still cook something a bit healthier for the DCs though.) And it is not because I want to make myself "loveable" or because I want to be a marthyr, but because I am absolutely certain that DH would do the same if the situation was in reverse!

He's going to be away for 3 weeks - he's not going for a 3 year trip up an unmapped section of the Amazon out of touch with civilization and with a 50% chance of dying of typhoid while he's there. 3 weeks. 3 WEEKS

seeker, no kidding, I was goind to write exactly that in my next post! (I was going to wrote leave them destitute instead of typhoid but ...)

Family comes before money?

In what way is that the choice here?

Surely the choice you are recommending she makes is

Family party comes before recognising that you are in debt and can barely afford things for your own kids.

Like you say, it's just three weeks. It's just a party, it's not the end of the world if he can't go right now.

He can always go when they are on a firmer footing financially.

Not being able to afford something doesn't mean you don't love your family.

That is such a weird way to think.

There's no way in the world I'd sit and let my husband half-starve himself for months so I could go to a wedding.

I agree, ski, what a weird way to think.

No that this not what I am saying at all skidoodle but yes it definitely looks like it is what I said!

What I mean is the debts is not going to vanish in 3 weeks because he will stay here. The sister is offering the ticket and he will be put up there by her and friends so debt is not going to grow much bigger just because he is away.

I did not want to tell my own story but now feels that for proper understanding of my thought I might have to. We (family) have got debts as well (maybe to a lesser extent than OP, I do not know) and we go without anything that is not essential in my opinion (evenings out, nintendo DS, Wii fit, clothing that is not expressly needed, make up, car,big house, birthday parties for all the class...) but for us not totally loosing touch with our families IS essential! I suppose everyone has differents priorities.

And no, party DEFINITELY not same importance as family.

Ever practical, I am not really into the rights and wrongs of this trip, just see the problem as a lack of money. Solution I propose is a HOLIDAY FUND - totally seperate from on-going debt repayment. OP and DH must commit to raise say £50 per month x 8 months = £400 (£200 for DH spending money for 10 days; £200 for family camping for 10 days).

So if you make a game of it, £50 per month is well do-able. You need to either -

earn something extra e.g. overtime, babysitting, typing dissertations, doing surveys)
or
sell something - e.bay, carboot, auction, jam
or
Be given money i.e. Birthday or Christmas
or
Make a saving e.g. walk to work, have a week living out of larder + freezer

Martin's Money Tips site is full of people who have managed this for a specific purpose. Good Luck

The sister has not offered to put him up. As it stands now, he'll need to pay for accommodation.

In which case, if she won't put the brother up for accomodation, what is wrong with him staying in a backpacker place for the time.

Costs absolutely nothing, and if he is goign out and about with family the trip shouldn't cost too much at all.
I 'did' Oz by backpacking when I was 30 and spent about £300 in 4 weeks. (Supernoodles and bananas as staples can certainly go a long way!)

I'm sure that would really work. 'Well, we're all going out to dinner.' 'Oh, right, I'm away back to my youth hostel for a banana and SuperNoodles'. 'We're going out for drinks.' 'Oh, right, I'll just have water.'

But the family may well be deciding to 'do' Australia, eg, take trips, eat out, go to shows, whatever. Either he doesn't join in with these 'family' events (which is the point of going) or he sponges on the rest of the family to pay for everything, or he pays for himself. Back to square one. No money.

But at least he would be there and not spending a fortune!