dp wants to go away for 3 weeks without me and dc's , what would you say ?

[Lilyloo]

Dp has just announced that his sister who lives in Aus wants to pay for him to come out
next year to see her get married.
Unfortunately we had to say no as the flights for him , me and 3 dc's were just way to much. I was really gutted and so was dp.
However the recent failure of his buisness , which left us in a lot of debt meant we had no option. We are now living to a really tight budget trying to get back on track.
Now his sis has asked how he feels about her paying for him to go.
Now i would love for him to be able to go and see her get married but his family are going for 3 weeks.

He just told me and my initial reaction was 'that's his hols all gone for next year so no chance of us getting away at all.'
He now in a mood as he says i shouldn't be so dismissive , so presume he thought he would be going.

If he does go that's me at home with 3 dc's over easter and ds's birthday . We have bought a tent this year in hope to get cheap hols away but obv i won't be able to go without dp.

Also he will still need spending money for holiday which will be hard to find , probably accomodation etc.

Am i being unfair ? What would you say ?

Sorry it's so long

Sorry, Bloodyright, but what about the OP?

Should she not get some fun too? Perhaps she could then have , ooh, I dunno, 3 weeks by herslf in a spa in Fiji? Bit of quality "me time"?

I agree with Expat.

If Op and her DP feel that they can afford for him to go for 1 week and it won't break the bank/they'll still get holiday time next year then fair enough, but 3 weeks in Oz is a massive stress reliever by anyone's standards.

And there's a thought! Blow teh entire holiday budget and time off, so that you realise you're miserable?!

And it is nothing to do with the green eyed monster but everything to do with practicalities and what the family can afford/what is right for the entire family.

We are off to PIL's caravan in 2 days time, where we have holidayed for the past 5 years, sure I would love to be going somewhere better, but we cannot afford to.
Simples

Big debt. Big recession. Big time to get in a tent instead of flying halfway across the world to blow money you don't have.

Because now you have three mouths to feed and clothe and keep a roof over their heads.

When you're a grown-up and a parent to such young children, you never come first. They do.

And paying down your debt is part of that, providing, making sure you don't get into a world of shit you can't get out of without negative impact on them.

Oz ain't going anywhere.

Is the sister the type to be happy for her DH/DP to have swanned off for three weeks when her children were young, I wonder?

Sounds rather unreasonable and self-centred on the part of the OP's DH and SIL.

And I agree with Expat. We'd all love 3 carefree weeks in Australia, but I don't have any siblings getting hitched which would conveniently allow me to justify the time and expense.

Right, I may be biased here as DH is away now until early November with work, but I dont think either parent should be strapped to the family home as if it is some kind of lifelong penance. There seems to be quite a bit of 'he has 3 kids he needs to suck it up' attitude which seems a very hair shirt attitude to family life.

Sometimes things come up which demand a bit of flex. I would want DH to go if it was important to him, so I would look for a compromise, something we could afford, perhaps a week as has been suggested. If you honestly cant afford it fair enough but if you can do it why not investigate the options? It is obviously important to his sister for him to be there, and he is part of that family too. You are a long time married and I am sure something will be thrown up in the future where being gracious about this will some back to you in kind.

Incidently I made sure I could put up the tent myself before DH left and if it ever stops raining plan to rope in another camping friendly family and go somewhere local - i suppose it depends on the age of the kids but mine would view camping in the garden as unbearably exciting at the moment. Would your kids register a lack of holiday?
Are you smarting about the debts from his business? What are you honest objections - that you would resent too much him having time out when you can't? Not having a go, I might well feel the same in your position but it might help to pin down the reasons behind why you feel so anti.
.

Pack him off with a wave and a smile for 10 days and go camping with the dc for 10 days. You can do it. You will still have 10 days for a family camping holiday.

Sorry, a bit flippant because I haven't read the whole thread. There must be a compromise.

Smarting from the debts?

Are you serious?

Have you ever been in lots of debt and so skint you can't afford to pay but the bare minimum and then you're up nights worrying about stuff like, Will he pass his probation so we can keep paying? Or if your kid wants lessons in something and you start thinking about how you can fit it around the debt. If you're a mortgage holder, you start thinking about that debt, too, things like when your interest rate is over and such like.

Nothing 'hair shirt' about it. It has to be paid, and preferably paid asap in this climate because, as stated, creditors have been putting up interest rates on people carrying big debts.

The reality of having a family is that when you have big debt it can affect everyone, including your little kids, if things go awry, and in this climate, it's all too often they do.

And like skidoodle said, no wonder this country's in such economic shit with peoples' attitudes towards it.

Away with work, a bit different. Barring the armed forces, a lot of the time, when a person goes away to work it's not for peanuts.

My dad did.

A lot.

He had to during hte big oil crash in the late 1970s/early 80s.

It was go away to work or have no job.

BUT, you can better believe my mother wasn't left at home skint in loads of debt whilst he did.

He didn't go for free or to spend money.

"Being a grown up and a parent oftentimes means you just have to suck it up.

Tough shit. "

I completely agree with this.

Apart from the use of "oftentimes".

Cathpot interesting questions and i sincerely hope i haven't come across as 'that you would resent too much him having time out when you can't'
The business failed , end of, we now have to face the consquence of that as adults with a resposibility to our dc's.
It is my responsibility to them that means i am questioning whether 'our' budget , or lack of would enable dp to go.
Believe me if we had the money this conversation would never have taken place!
Bloodyright i hope also that i am not a green eyed monster , more a mum worried about making our finances STRETCH to enable him to go.

If you are 'stretching', you should all benefit from it - if there's a little bit extra it should be spent on a day or two out together, not on one person.

That is part of being a family, and if funds mean you have to prioritise, wife and children should come first, not sister, parents and so on.

Exactly, Lily!

We have £4000 worth of debt and we're already had a letter from our creditor talking about how they can increase the rate of interest at which we pay that back.

That's enough for us to break out the tent and hitch out the trailer donated by the IL's this year!

It's really not the economic climate for a lot of people to have spare to head off across the world.

Was going to myself, I've not been to my native country in 8 years. BUT, my parents were going to pay for all 5 of us to fly back and forth and we'd stay with them and other family and probably not pay out a penny.

Instead as it stands a first cousin is pretty lonely in Italy as her husband is an officer but deployed to Afghanistan till Xmas, so the elders of the family have instead clubbed in to rent a LARGE house in Italy and we'll travel to meet them in Italy instead.

All flights paid for.

We just don't have the money to afford that now.

Lily, the offer of a night in/out with wine stands, or meeting up with the DC's.

Oh, and what happens on MN, stays on MN, just so you know. I realised that this is a bit wierd for us!

So don't start talking about my bumsex in the school yard, missus

I am only joking about bumsex, btw!

Thanks Lizzy
Tis a bit weird but hey ho thats life! Where you going in caravan ?

Expat have you said no to Italy then ? The debt thing is a real worry tbh but we made our bed etc etc We currently trying to find a 0% cc not very easily! We off camping tom or [mad] emotion it pouring down!!!!

Ingleton, near Settle.
It is lovely, we love it there. Near Arnside/the Lakes/Kirby Lonsdale. The boys love it.
But I hope the weather is OK, because I do need some sun

Lily, I would never say anything to anyone, fear not, and I trust you likewise. Not least because I wouldn't want anyone knowing about my MN addiction

Am sure you'll find the best solution for you and your family

What I meant expat was- is there a back story about why the family is now in debt that might lead to an unspoken resentment about him having time out.

If they really cant afford it, then there is not even a conversation to be had, clearly he cant go.

What he is like is relevent, is he the sort of guy who would, once in autralia think sod it and max out a credit card, or would he be careful. I asked about it because if he had got the family into debt by being reckless then that would factor into a decision. He hasnt so fair enough.

Given all that, my starting point is the fact the OP is on here at all suggests they could possibly afford it- with the help of the ticket- but it would be difficult and would mean they would miss the chance to go on holiday as a family.

She is not saying 'if he goes we will not be able to eat properly this month'.

Lilyloo - how about a conversation along the lines of 'look its not I dont want you to go, I am worried about the money, why dont we sit down and see what we can work out'.
You might find if you both sit down and look at the budget and he will come to the conclusion that actually its not doable. Or you might be able to make a plan. The phrase for this in our house is 'can we have a non emotional chat about money?' afte years of fall out from emotional ones... Hope it all works out.

oh, we're going to Italy, lily, because ALL five of us pay nada. zilch. my folks are paying for all of it.

don't get me wrong, i made £180 recently between a flea market booth, gold2pounds and the musical magpies website.

and it's gone straight into our fund for spending money.

i also got a little job in a bookie's starting next week to earn some money to help out and hopefully at least get food and wine enough to feed and water 14 adults and whoever else they'll probably invite along (they are Mexican-Americans who usually have the more, the merrier approach).

Expat, Thought you had a job in a hotel?

Am slow on the uptake?

Think you should open up a proper Mexican restaurant. Small menu, homemade food, chicken enchiladas, fresh salsa

ooh we going to Arnside camping in August Lizzy , no worries here i would never say anything. At least we know each other many mnetters enudre the do i don't i etc

Expat sounds lovely and if you can make ends meet then i do believe life is for living etc bet you must miss your family lot's being away from home.

Cath sounds like a good conversation
he isn't a reckless man and i would trust him not to be reckless completely!

'Expat, Thought you had a job in a hotel?

Am slow on the uptake?'

Didn't get it, ilove. Did get 12 hours/week in the bookies and they're willing to work me round DH's shifts. Told 'em I need the October break off, though, and don't mind if it's unpaid (it will be for DH and that's all that really counts, especially as Scottish October break different from English one and also we have a whole fortnight round here).

Have you been to Arnside before?

It is fab, I love it there.

We often go up for a daytrip.

It's lovely to catch the train over to Grange over Sands as well, and the Lakeland Zoo is amazing..... We have friends who have a caravan in Milnthorpe and we were going to buy a tent and camp near them. But we are a bit skint, well, a lot skint atm actually!

See, I am actually really excited about our holiday. We all need a break, the boys are whiney and exhausted and so are me and DH!

Sorry, South Lakes Zoo.

Lemurs and Wallabies roaming around everywhere, fab place.

I am so easily pleased!

I would be reckless given half the chance, DH is the one who reins me in. He is Mr sensible, I am NOT.

It'll all work out, I'm sure.