dp wants to go away for 3 weeks without me and dc's , what would you say ?

[Lilyloo]

Dp has just announced that his sister who lives in Aus wants to pay for him to come out
next year to see her get married.
Unfortunately we had to say no as the flights for him , me and 3 dc's were just way to much. I was really gutted and so was dp.
However the recent failure of his buisness , which left us in a lot of debt meant we had no option. We are now living to a really tight budget trying to get back on track.
Now his sis has asked how he feels about her paying for him to go.
Now i would love for him to be able to go and see her get married but his family are going for 3 weeks.

He just told me and my initial reaction was 'that's his hols all gone for next year so no chance of us getting away at all.'
He now in a mood as he says i shouldn't be so dismissive , so presume he thought he would be going.

If he does go that's me at home with 3 dc's over easter and ds's birthday . We have bought a tent this year in hope to get cheap hols away but obv i won't be able to go without dp.

Also he will still need spending money for holiday which will be hard to find , probably accomodation etc.

Am i being unfair ? What would you say ?

Sorry it's so long

I think it's mean of the sister to make him choose between a holiday with his family, ie; wife and children, or see sister get married. If it is his entire holiday allowance, whatever the cost, it is unreasonable of him to go for that long.

And if she already has an 18 year old, well, she is either marrying a long term partner or its a second time around. Either way, IMO, it doesn't warrant this amount of desperation for her brother to be there when they marry.

Maybe the rest of the family could pay for the entire lilyloo branch of the family to go for a week or 10 days as a combined Christmas present or something? At least they would all get a holiday then. Otherwise, as the sister is choosing to get married far away from her family, she will have to understand that for various good reasons they are not all able to be there.

Imagine the response if someone posted "I want to go to Australia to my sister's wedding and she has offered to pay my fare, but DP won't let me go"!

If I were in your position I would let dh go on his own. He is a good husband and father, and I would make the personal sacrifice because I love him.

Yes, it is going to suck for you to be left on your own with the dc's. But it's a one off, and you'll be fine. I would ask him to go for 2 weeks rather than 3 (1 week far too short for aus imo). Then you'll still have some holiday time left to spend together.

If his sister doesn't have a spare bed for him, I'm sure she will have friends who will gladly make him him welcome which will take care of the accommodation issue. So there really shouldn't be much additional expense.

That said, if he does go he should damn well appreciate it and make it up to you down the track!

If someone posted that their business had just failed, that their family had significant debts as a consequence and that they were in a snot because their dp wasn't falling over themselves to take on 3 weeks of childcare so that tthe op could take off for three weeks on a jolly spending money the family didn't have I'd think they were being a spoilt brat.

It's not about "letting" or treating your partner like your mum and putting her in the position of either making a big sacrifice or else saying no. A good partner does not assume that they can just drop their responsibilities for 3 weeks at someone else's expense. No adult should. Circumstances and discussion will determine what is possible, not people being "let" do things.

As for finances: the sister is not offering to put him up or to pay his way on the many expensive excursions likely to come up while he's away. Her offer of covering the flight still leaves the family with a considersble bill to cover. It's easy to see how the country got into the trouble it's in now when so many people don't think it's unreasonable to put a family under financial duress for a holiday.

I don't see what's so weird about thinking that if family us important you don't take off to the other side of the world, or that if you do you can't expect them to bankrupt themselves visiting you.

I would say a week is long enough.

if sister is not covering all expenses, it's no from me.

I think you should "let" him go for 10 days. 10 days isn't forever, by then 2 of the children will be at school during the week, his sis is paying the fare & if the situation were reversed and you would feel ok about "asking" him if you could do the same then you should be ok about him going.

My family is incredibly important to me, but I have still moved to pretty much the other side of the world. My sister is probably even more family orientated and she has just moved to Australia. In both cases we were motivated by the desires of our husbands who we also love (BIL is also Australian).

The cost of flying out to where we are is pretty expensive (West Coast of Canada) and even more so to Australia. So we have to accept that part of the cost of moving is seeing our family a great deal less, and having to make do with phone calls, email, Skype etc. That doesn't mean we love our families any less, and them visiting is a huge deal. If we had some big family event here then having any member of my family would matter a lot, and I can imagine if my siblings could not pay to come with their families but we could pay for one flight of course we would offer. Yes there is some element of selfishness in that, but I would also see it as a fairly generous thing to do, rather than pressure (obviously depends on the individual).

On this one I think you'd really need to think about the additional costs, and unless it can really be kept to a minimum and still be doable, then I think you have to decline. But I don't think in principle that it is a terrible thing to at least consider, and it may be that that is all your dh wanted, to have a think about possibilities, rather then just say no. I would be totally gutted not to be there for any of my siblings, but also perfectly OK with dh going for his family (I don't really love them, nor they me so it's not really a big deal to be there).

btw I can totally understand you not wanting to lose his holidays, I just think there are some things that are worth a sacrifice.

Tbh it would show a lot more generosity to graciously accept that your brother and his family can't afford to come than to make an offer that will put them in the position the op is in now.

Throwing just enough money at a situation to get your own way, while still leaving significant issues for the supposed beneficiaries, isn't kind.

I hope I love my bil and sil more than to presume upon them in this way.

I suspect the sister just heard 'we can't afford it' and thought 'well I can afford to pay one flight so I will offer to pay for DB'. She prob hasn't factored in the possible cost of accommodation (OP has already said that the sister will be putting up her fiance's DCs so won't have room), spending money (he can't really go and expect to be given spending money too), the fact that it will eat into his annual leave entitlement, and that it may mean that the family won't even have a few days camping somewhere and may even have to borrow money to be able to afford it.

I have to say I think that your DP should refuse graciously and thank his sister for her very kind offer. He could explain that it would be such a fantastic trip he would want to enjoy it properly and feels that (1) leaving you and the DCs for 3 weeks is too long, (2) even with the air fare paid he would still need to find spending money etc and possibly accommodation costs, (3) he would not have any more holiday so his whole family wouldn't get a holiday and (4) he would rather come when he could take his whole family.

A friend had a similar situation this year. Her DH's brother was getting married in Las Vegas and the whole family were invited. They have 3 children however so for them they decided that although they could just about afford it, that it would be their main holiday and not really one that they would choose to do with 3 young children. So the DH went on his own for a week and in return my friend is going to New York (with me!!) for a shopping weekend in November and they still managed to afford a week away as a family and to do other things over the summer.

I think for me with the OP's situation the big thing is the big hole it will leave in their finances. That affects the whole family.

My DH would not even consider going if we were in the shit financially - and they can't be that close if she chose to live on the opposite side of the globe - it's not like the sister who you see every week and look after each others kids FCS!

Well if it was just a case or someone "not coping" while the other half was away for 3 weeks I would say get a grip, but I see there is no money, failed business, all holiday would be used, and more debt incurred so I think it has to be a no.

I hadn't realised that he would have to pay for accommodation and food. In that case, due to financial circumstances, I think they would have to turn it down as the air fare is only part of the cost.
If it was just the time and using up his holidays I would let him go for it. If you love a person you would want them to have a once in a life time experience if they got the opportunity IMO. My DH has held the fort at home when I have had the chance and I love him all the more for it!

I think a week is a good comprimise - and really can family be that important to her if she is not offering to bring her nieces and nephews - are they not family too?

Being at home with 3 small children is very hard especially when it is not what you barganied for.

I too would be cross with my h if he then didnt seem to think it a problem and if he didnt even think about the impact on money and holiday from work.

Lilly dont feel bad about saying you are not happy - i think your h wants to go but also wants you to give him your blessing - he wants to transfer his guilt onto you as he knows he is being selfish really.

However if you do 'let him go' do make sure you get away and have some fun of your own - and it will not be anywhere as difficult as you think it will be without him there.
My h had to go away for a work course for 3 weeks - i hated it but actually he really didnt enjoy being away from the children that long either and actually at the end of it i felt a lot stronger for it.

I know people have to go away for various reasons but if both partners are not comfortable with it then it should be discussed.

If this was me i would 'let' dp do it but would sit down and discuss the other situations (lack of family hol/use of all annual leave/financial implications etc etc) and various other things that he hadn't thought about by the time i'd finished he'd choose not to go.

and another thing, it's a fuck of a long way to go should something happen. I know this is me being a bit mard but I have never had any issues with ditching my kids/going away on business/the odd weekend away etc etc. I was always uk/europe so only a few hours away if I needed to get back for something. When I went as far away as New York as we prepared for take off I began to get really upset that 'if anything happens i am a full days travel away' I know statistically this is unlikely but still, it's a fUCK of a long way
(in my defence was a single parent and so perhaps a little PFB)

Hi Lily, just offering my perspective as I was in a similar (though not identical) situation last year.

DG's brother was getting married to his Australian fiancee (they have moved there now) and I was too far along in pregnancy to go. There was no way I would have asked him to miss his brother's wedding, so he went but was away for, I think, 9 days by the time all the travelling was factored in.

This actually did give him some quality time with his brother and future SIL, despite the wedding preparations, and he really enjoyed it. It did help that he was able to stay with them. Meanwhile, I didn't have any DC yet but I was stuck at home heavily pregnant with rotten backache, and we were having our bathroom replaced, so for almost all the trip I had no working bathroom and had to make strategic trips to the gym or friends' houses! I asked for a day at a spa in return... We are now going back as a family this year, all together, for the full 3 weeks we can manage. I realise this may not be an option for you any time soon though.

So I'd say, yes, 'let' him go, but a week - 10 days should be fine. Other thoughts:

• Could he ask the sister if he can be squeezed in somewhere staying with her? She may not realise how much difference it would make. Or could he stay with one of their friends and relatives? Aussies seem really generous about such things. How about one of those 'couchsurfing' / stay with people for nothing websites?

• There are some bloody good airfare deals around at the moment, as few people are flying what with the recession etc, and the airlines are desperate for custom, especially on longhaul. So definitely worth looking around for the best possible deal.

• Arrange some really low-cost / free days out for you as a family if affording a holiday is hard. I remember doing this as a child one year when money was too tight for a holiday, and my parents sold it really well as something new, different and exciting. Could you go and stay with friends / relatives somewhere in the UK even and explore their neighbourhood?

• Don't underestimate the disappointment someone feels getting married so far away that their family can't all be there. I know BIL understood that not everyone could afford it, but was still disappointed that not all his family would be there for his wedding, while his fiancee's all were - though one of them would always have had to lose out, it is hard looking at the places in the venue where your loved ones would be.

Hope it all works out.

Surely, he can't go away for three weeks because he's busy looking for a job????

I actually read this as 'he wants to take the kids away for three weeks' and was quite .

Personally I'd say 'it's up to you' because if you try and restrict him going to a family wedding he'll probably hold it against you for yonks.

I would ask him not to go. It's only a wedding. Wait until you are in a position to take the whole family for an extended visit instead. It's not worth the time, journey, expense, angst and sacrifice just to watch someone wear a posh white dress for a few hours.

I'd have no problems letting hubby go, its only three weeks and I assume he really wants to see his sister get married. Siblings are just as close family as wife/children. His sister obviously wants him there as she's offering to pay.

You can still camp at any other time in the year, long weekends etc plus he'll still have some holidays left as you get more than 3 weeks a year by law. You could camp whilst he's away, nothing to stop you taking the children away.

He'll hold it against you if you say no plus his family will also probably make comment. He's an adult and shouldnt need permission though.

I think the whole 'permission' thing is a side issue. Of course no adult needs permission but do couples with children really just expect that they do what they want without checking that the impact upon their partner is not too much.
My DH never needs my permission to do anything but of course we discuss it and vice versa - I would never book a three week holiday and expect him to lump it. We would talk about it and the impact that choice would have on him would determine if I go or not.

I think three weeks is demanding too much of a partner when it is not vital ( ie work related). And my DH visits Aus on business one or twice a year and has done the turn around in five days before. That is terribly hard but a week is fine and ten days a luxury.

If I were OP I would sit down , give my partner the full impact that his choice will have upon me, the children and our finances. And then I would ask him to choose an arrangement that he thinks meets his responsibilities ( lob it firmly back in his court).
I think his decision would tell me a great deal about him - which is always useful in a long term relationship.

Somebody much earlier in the thread said "immediate family comes first"

What's a sister but immediate family?

Lily, if your DP could go for a week and if you can afford for him to do so without completely compromising family life/budget then I think that would be a good compromise.

How would you feel about him being away for a week?

You're only up the road, we could meet up with the DC, or once the DC are in bed and have a few drinks?