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Original poster

dp wants to go away for 3 weeks without me and dc's , what would you say ?

210 replies

Lilyloo · 15/07/2009 16:33

Dp has just announced that his sister who lives in Aus wants to pay for him to come out
next year to see her get married.
Unfortunately we had to say no as the flights for him , me and 3 dc's were just way to much. I was really gutted and so was dp.
However the recent failure of his buisness , which left us in a lot of debt meant we had no option. We are now living to a really tight budget trying to get back on track.
Now his sis has asked how he feels about her paying for him to go.
Now i would love for him to be able to go and see her get married but his family are going for 3 weeks.

He just told me and my initial reaction was 'that's his hols all gone for next year so no chance of us getting away at all.'
He now in a mood as he says i shouldn't be so dismissive , so presume he thought he would be going.

If he does go that's me at home with 3 dc's over easter and ds's birthday . We have bought a tent this year in hope to get cheap hols away but obv i won't be able to go without dp.

Also he will still need spending money for holiday which will be hard to find , probably accomodation etc.

Am i being unfair ? What would you say ?

Sorry it's so long

OP posts:

Original poster

Lilyloo · 15/07/2009 19:36

Profiterole her dd is 18 next year and they should have been coming home before wedding was planned.
Now it's too expensive for them to come back here with wedding also.
I doubt she will be having anymore babies.

OP posts:

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 15/07/2009 19:37

You can't say something like that!

What if she can't have kids and no one knows?

I would wave my DH off and wish him a lovely time then come home and cry. But then he wouldn't go as he wouldn't want to be away from us for 3 weeks.

I think 2 weeks is enough tbh.

aGalChangedHerName · 15/07/2009 19:37

I'd like to think that finances allowing etc i'd wave DH off to an important family event, but if it was a 3 week unecessary (imo) jaunt which meant 'my' family didn't get any holiday, then i'd tell him to piss off.

A week is all i'd allow him under the circumstances.

Scorps · 15/07/2009 19:39

I would 'let' my DH go. Every year my DH goes to Thailand for 3 weeks, me hoemn alone with 3 small (all under 7) dc - next year 4 dc .

I kinda think that DH is a fabulous husband, father and worker - why ever not. Just my thoughts.

Though being on a tight budget as you say makes it harder for you all to have family holiday at some point too.

PrincessToadstool · 15/07/2009 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Curiousmama · 15/07/2009 19:43

Scorps are you joking, 3 weeks in Thailand?

Tricky one lilyloo, hope you sort it out soon. Think if he does go for 3 weeks you're going to be dreading it all the way to him going. If he does go then I agree with finding a friend to camp with.

DracoDormiensNunquamTitilandus · 15/07/2009 19:44

I wouldn't be happy for him to go for 3 weeks but it is his sister's wedding. If he can go for a shorter amount of time, let him.

"Immediate family comes before extended in my book." Well, in my book a sibling is immediate family.

aGalChangedHerName · 15/07/2009 19:45

Scorps do you get a 3 week holiday on your own too?

I wouldn't want to be away from dh or the dc and neither would he tbh.

Scorps · 15/07/2009 19:46

No, curiousmama, I'm not. DH does Thai boxing (fights and is ranked in UK etc) and goes over with friends, to train for 6 hours a day, then relax. Good for him, i say!

( I am very happy with this, i go away to spas when i need a rest(about twice a year), we go away as a family still)

Tortington · 15/07/2009 19:46

quid pro quo darling - he gets a week in aus - you get a week away. think about it now - plan it now - save for it now book it and put deposit down now.

he looks after kids for a week whilst your away - sounds fair

Scorps · 15/07/2009 19:48

aGal - no, i do go to a spa about twice a year for a break, we have family holiday/s and i'm very happy with it all. DH never expects to go and the money for it is fine, i see no issue. We are both happy and that's all thats important - if i said no, he wouldn't go.

MovingOutOfBlighty · 15/07/2009 19:48

I think two weeks is extremely reasonable.

My DH is going to Thailand to do a few days of charity work and I kind of figure while you are there you may as well enjoy it so have told him to stay away for 2 weeks.

I would hate it if he stopped me going to my sisters wedding abroad. If you can't all afford it why not let him go. Perhaps 3 weeks is a bit much though.

AvengingGerbil · 15/07/2009 19:50

I don't think it's so much the 3 weeks as the blowing the entire family holiday budget for the year for 1/5 of the family to have a holiday that is the problem. If people get married on the other side of the world, they can't expect other people, no matter how much genetic material they share, to drop everything and go.

Dizzyclarebear · 15/07/2009 19:51

I'd say 1 week is fine! My DH went out for the rugby world cup final in Oz back in 2003 (his dad got a final ticket for him)- but only could get a week off work so that's all he went for.

At work we regularly send Partners to AsiaPac region for less than a week and they are expected to recover from flights well enough to run meetings with clients within hours of landing (granted they go business) but the point remains a long haul flight isn't a big deal to get over when you're a healthy grown-up!

1 week means you are compromising - he gets a couple of days to sight see/recover from flight, go to the wedding, and then have another couple of days sightseeing before coming home - you still get to have a family holiday and maybe say when the money situation is better you'll all go.

If he says no he's being an arse.

skidoodle · 15/07/2009 19:54

I don't think it is mean to expect your husband not to take off to Australia when it will deny the rest of you a holiday next year and you still can't really afford it, even with the contribution.

Tbh I think it's pretty out of order of his sister to make an offer like that when it puts so much extra work on your shoulders, and still leaves you with significant costs to meet. She's taking advantage of your good nature to get her own way about her wedding.

It's really out of order for your dp to have assumed you'd be ok with a holiday-free year and three weeks alone with three children. That's a big ask. I'm not sure I could ask dh to make financial sacrifices so he could be left with the heavy lifting whilst I pissed off on a holiday we couldn't afford. Getting sulky because you aren't leaping at the opportunity to get the sharp end of the stick us childish and spoilt and would make me inclined to say no.

Original poster

Lilyloo · 15/07/2009 19:55

Custardo that's the problem i wouldn't hesitate to book a week away for me if we had the cash but we don't. We would have to borrow (can't see how we could scrimp anymore) for him to go!

I agree with you all that's my dilemma i don't want to stop him going either but feel it's a big sacrifice to make as a family.

The week thing is likely the best compromise. Less spending money / accomodation. Also will still leave him some holidays so we may be able to have local camping trip as family for few days too.

OP posts:

skidoodle · 15/07/2009 20:03

Please do not get into debt for a holiday. That is not wise, particularly if you are stretched financially anyway.

Basically if you have to borrow money, you can't afford it. I'm sure his sister would be appalled to think he was getting into debt just to go to her wedding. Nobody would expect that.

MovingOutOfBlighty · 15/07/2009 20:09

I think a week only will be difficult for him. I was a zombie with jet lag for the first week in Oz.
And set a budget that he can't go over.

cat64 · 15/07/2009 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Lilyloo · 15/07/2009 20:32

Dc's are 7 , 4 and 1 cat.
It's been 3 years since they went and your right i don't see us affording to go for a long time yet.
I have little family so it's usually dp's family we see , spend time with. Obv they are all going.

TBH i think it comes down to the money , to go longer means to borrow more money for him to do that.
When i am talking of missing a holiday i mean a few days camping not an extravagant 2 weeks abroad.
Obv nowhere in the same budget bracket of him going away.
aaaahhhh i still don't know i agree with all of you

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 15/07/2009 20:41

3 weeks is too long.

And if you can't afford it without it compromising his children's hols or financial stability, then the only honourable answer he can give is, 'Thank you for the offer, but I still can't afford it.'

When you live far away from your family, that's how it goes sometimes.

Lizzylou · 15/07/2009 20:41

Tough one, it really is.
I think a week away is reasonable, you never know you could book something for all of you cheaply.
Or you could go and stay with a friend for a weekend when he gets back?

I do think it would be nice for him to go and see his sister get married, but not at the expense of your family holiday. It is pretty cheap to stay in Australia though, at least it was when we went 8 years ago.

Greensleeves · 15/07/2009 20:42

I agree with expat, it's too long and it's not fair on the children.

skidoodle · 15/07/2009 20:46

Can you afford it if he only goes for a week? Or would you still have to borrow money? I really think that if you can't find the money for this without borrowong then the answer has to be no.

TsarChasm · 15/07/2009 20:47

I would mind that a LOT.

Agree with Expat.

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