dp wants to go away for 3 weeks without me and dc's , what would you say ?

[Lilyloo]

Dp has just announced that his sister who lives in Aus wants to pay for him to come out
next year to see her get married.
Unfortunately we had to say no as the flights for him , me and 3 dc's were just way to much. I was really gutted and so was dp.
However the recent failure of his buisness , which left us in a lot of debt meant we had no option. We are now living to a really tight budget trying to get back on track.
Now his sis has asked how he feels about her paying for him to go.
Now i would love for him to be able to go and see her get married but his family are going for 3 weeks.

He just told me and my initial reaction was 'that's his hols all gone for next year so no chance of us getting away at all.'
He now in a mood as he says i shouldn't be so dismissive , so presume he thought he would be going.

If he does go that's me at home with 3 dc's over easter and ds's birthday . We have bought a tent this year in hope to get cheap hols away but obv i won't be able to go without dp.

Also he will still need spending money for holiday which will be hard to find , probably accomodation etc.

Am i being unfair ? What would you say ?

Sorry it's so long

If you don't have the money then you don't have the money, there is no decision to be made - it has just been made.

Otherwise, the fact he has 3 kids has absolutely nothing to do with anything. If you can't manage for 3 weeks with your own kids to allow your dh to be with his family at such a special time then I would imagine there is maybe something wrong with you and maybe he absolutely shouldn't be going. I mean for god sake - who knows what single mums must be thinking reading that argument.

He is not randomly rocking off to Oz for a break to get over the stress - his very kind sister has offered to pay for him to come over and enjoy the wedding. If his family is as thoughtful and kind as that I would imagine they will be equally considerate of his financial difficulties following the folding of his business and will pay for drinks, avoid expensive restaurants etc. Thats what families do.

I cannot see why anyone would object to their dh or dw taking 3 weeks out to enjoy themselves for something like this. Its not like he has the cash but is saying he'd rather go on his own. he would no doubt like to take all of you, but he can't.

And missing an annual holiday is not the end of the world, god, its such a spoiled thing in the first place. Its a total luxury. If you have 2 weeks off with the kids that is the holiday - doesn't matter where you are.

Let him go, tell him to go, insist upon it. He might decide himself not to go due to financial difficulties but do not pressurise him that is just shit.

How would you like it, to be told that your not being allowed to go to your brother or sisters wedding. At least when I made my decision I was confident my dh had made every effort to come up with all kinds of options to allow me to go, he knew how important it would be. ultimately, I could not justify spending that amount of cash for a weeks holiday.

I would put a lot of money on the green monster being responsible

'How would you like it, to be told that your not being allowed to go to your brother or sisters wedding.'

It wouldn't even be an issue for most people who had loads of debt to pay back in a recession from a failed business.

It would be a no-brainer.

No 'green-eyed monster' about it.

It would be, 'My sister's wedding or time out with my kids, a holiday for my kids and quality time with my kids whilst they were still young. No contest.'

And for most sisters, including my own, who is also a mother, it would be, 'I understand. Your first responsibility is to pay off as much of your debt as you can in case you get made redundant and you need to make sure you're not so in the hole so you can provide for your kids. We'll send you the video!'

bloody with the upmost respect i am struggling to see this from your viewpoint
i am not 'objecting' or 'failing to manage' without him. 'How would you like it' i have never said he won't be able to go he is a grown man and can decide that for himself.
Please see previous posts.
Whilst i agree that a holiday of any type is a luxury i do think it matters where you are. He will have his holiday without the dc we won't ? If he has holiday seperately from us it does matter!
Is that green eyed monster ?

My ds encouraged her dh to take two or three weeks holiday just to go home for a while because he missed Australia. It took most of his annual leave for that year, but it's only one year, so not the end of the world. dh and I have also taken holiday time separately and left each other "holding the babies", so I don't see this as being a terrible thing to do. Not run of the mill either mind, and we both had support networks, so were not alone. Their finances could cope, and if that's the crux of things then that's the deciding factor.

But in the first post it sounded as if the OP was totally dismissive of the idea, and if I had been the dh in question would have found that really quite upsetting. Sometimes you want to bask in the warm glow of possibility, even if you know that your decision will be a sad one. And possibly he felt annoyed that you were as it were deciding for him - and actually you were deciding that he was going, but that you were angry about it, without him possibly having had the chance to think about how he felt.

We didn't have a "proper" holiday with our children until they were six or sevenish. To be honest I don't think small children are really that bothered about going away.

Having read the first page it looks like I'm going against the grain here...
I would not have a problem with him going for 3 weeks. I appreciate it will have an impact on your family holidays but less than 2 weeks is really not worth it in terms of jet lag.
If he can stay with someone and really keep spending money down to a minimum costs shouldn't be too awful.
It's one year and hopefully she won't get married again.

Um, her eldest child is 7.

Some of my happiest memories as a child (from the age of about 3 or 4) are of the family holidays we took each year. It certainly wasn't a matter if indifference to me to go somewhere exciting (always in Ireland due to money being tight) all together. Being on holidays was a magical time with special rules and my parents did everything to make sure it was fun for all of us. And it so was.

Sure, it's a luxury. But it's a shared luxury for everyone, which seems a much fairer use of whatever extra funds can be scraped together than a big long-haul holiday for one person.

I think the "sackcloth" thing is coming from the people who think it's a hardship not to be able to get away from your children or an imposition to take them on holiday, rather than just going yourself and pretending you're single and they were never born.

Why bother being a family if you feel the adults are "strapped" to the family home if they don't take every opportunity to leave?

We went as a family at christmas for 2 weeks as we did not have enough AL left - we went ecconomy class with 4 children and didnt suffer any real jetlag. Yes it is a bit tough coming back but the children all went straight to school and h started a new job the day after we returned so i think it is more than possible to do it in less than 3 weeks.

And i dont think there is a green-eyed monster - when you have a family and have to pull together to make ends meet then i think it is perfectly reasonable to 'expect' to spend time together as a family.

Anyway hope he is being a bit more understanding about why you feel like you do.

But his sister IS family!!!!!!!

Lilylou, I have read your previous posts, specifically your first post and your question. You are looking for advice on what kind of response to give your dh when he considers whether he can go to Oz to see his sister getting married.

Your posts all seem to say the 3 main reasons you object are:

1. You are in debt
2. You have 3 children
3. You won't get a holiday the next year

I have been in your position. I know the internal struggles here. I can feel your pain. Ultimately, however, I don't think you have any choice but to encourage him to go.

My thoughts are - you have to put yourself in his position and consider how you would like him to respond to you if the shoe was on the other foot. Ultimately, you love him and he loves you, therefore, whatever you decide should be based upon your love for him.

A holiday is great, it really is, but it is not the end of the world to miss out for one year - its crap I agree, having done it, but it is not as significant as missing a brother or sister getting married.

If he is close to his sister and family then missing the wedding will just add to the stress he is under at the moment. My instinctive thing would be for him to get away from the stress, after all, if you keep piling on stressful life events then you have the risk of one or both of you getting tipped over into depression and that will be the worst thing for the family.

Looking after the kids for 3 weeks while he goes and enjoys the wedding will involve internal struggle for you to be happy about it, but in the end, you will be the stronger and wiser and infinitely more loveable for it.

Expat - I think your being quite negative here.

fair enough, bloody. but i think you're being unrealistic and immature with regards to this.

it's a wedding, not a crisis intervention or a funeral.

Yes a wedding - a moment of joy, a beautiful uplifting experience, a wonderful moment to enjoy, what life should be about. Surely you don't only think misery and loss are the only things worth spending money or putting yourself out there for.

As for being unrealistic - I'm not sure whether you've read my postings - its utterly realistic - I have been there - on both sides of the coin - I've done it, it has been done. Its worked out, and for the better.

The only decision which leaves a slight regret is that I didn't just take my kids and go to my brother's wedding. I was sensible, but in doing so denied myself a beautiful warm lovely memory to keep for ever. I denied my brother the opportunity to have me witnes a moment of pride and happiness and join him in celebrating it. Its rubbish. I cried buckets over that decision but I am a fool to myself, I just cannot leave my children for more than 2 days without feeling like my arm has been cut off.

If enjoying life is being immature then guilty as charged.

His sister is not his next of kin or one of his dependants. He doesn't live with his sister and his sister's finances are not bound up with his.

If you really think that your sister should be given the same consideration as your children in decisions about how family time and money should be spent, then I think you are nuts TBH.

I am extremely close to my family, but I would never put my sister (or myself for that matter) ahead of my own children.

The idea of making sure your husband can go on holiday at the expense of your kids because you love him is not any kind of love I recognise. I don't think loving my husband means I should encourage him to deny things to our children that I think are good for them.

Trying to establish whether you can get away with denying them a holiday because they won't really notice, or it's not such a big deal is totally alien to me. If they scrimped and saved and still couldn't afford it, well that's just life.

But if they scrimp and save and only the father gets the benefit... it blows my mind that anyone would organise their lives that way. Truly.

bloodyright I think you are being very negative. You're telling the OP to deny her own feelings and what she thinks is best for her children to prioritise her husbands feelings above all else.

Do people really live like that? He's an adult - why should anyone defer to him in that way?

Oh yes, to make themselves "loveable"

only read OP - I think a good compromise would be for him to go for 1 week. 3 weeks is taking the piss if you ask me!!

Skidoodle put it so much better than I ever could.

The father will not be the only one to benefit. the extended family will benefit. The wife and kids will benefit in other ways. You seem to think the only one benefiting from the decision to go to Oz is the husband. That to me seems to stem from looking at the thing through a jealous green monster eye instead of an imaginative and loving viewpoint.

Listen to my posts - my dh came up with many ways in which i could go on my own - we couldn't afford to take the kids too. He tried his hardest to make it dooable. he never objected and encouraged me. I made the decision not to go.

If you dh loves you and your family and if there is no financial possibility of him going then I am sure he will come to that decision of his own accord.

Do not tell him he cannot go. It will cause all kinds of problems and problems are the one thing you as a family could do without right now.

I would let him go without a problem.
DH and I both Have our family abroad but his lives in a country where people would need to jump through hoops to get a tiny chance of obtaining a visa to come and visit us. I would feel really terrible refusing him to see his family.

Depending on when he saw his sister the last time, I do not think 3 weeks is exactly "milking it"

Skidoodle "I am extremely close to my family, but I would never put my sister (or myself for that matter) ahead of my own children." try it in real life! when you have not seen your family for a very long time 3 weeks is very little to ask IMHO.

I haven't seen my native country in over 8 years.

Still wouldn't dream of going on my own for 3 weeks when I had a lot of debt to pay back and had children so young as the OPs.

'If you really think that your sister should be given the same consideration as your children in decisions about how family time and money should be spent, then I think you are nuts TBH' Well, actually, I think sometimes other people's needs ARE more important than my children's. They should not always come first - they need to learn that other people have needs too.

yeah expat, neither would I, but its not the issue. the issue is whether you would encourage your dh to should he have been given the opportunity and when the flights were being paid. And its not just a random visit, its for his sisters wedding, thats a big huge family event in anyones language, except maybe Elizabeth Taylor's.

Yes but his sister is buying him the ticket in my understanding so money not really relevant in that case.

I suppose it all comes down to how close one is from their family (sentiment wise, not distance) . I am going to see my mum for the first time in two years in a ouple of weeks and I am actually counting the minutes! I do not know how you do it expat!

Would everyone who says he is unreasonable to ask for so much time feel the same if he was going away for a work related reason?

bloodyright

You seem to be obsessed with this green-eyed monster.

Do you think I am jealous of a man I've never met going to Australia?

It makes no sense to me at all to be jealous of my husband getting to do something brilliant. I don't understand all this talk of spouses resenting each other. I don't have that kind of relationship with my DH. There's no seething resentment, and nobody telling anybody else what they can and can't do. But neither is there anyone making unilateral decisions about family money or time - it is always discussed and agreed upon.

What is the advantage to the children if their Dad goes away for 3 weeks? You're right, I can't see it at all. Do you really think it is better for children not to have their Dad around?

Or is this some kind of "if he doesn't get to go he'll be so upset that he'll treat them badly"?

Because if that were the case (and I presume it is not, it certainly doesn't sound like it) then the conversation becomes a whole different one about how to get children away from a father like that, on a permanent basis.

If there's no money and time for a family holiday if he goes, then that is a clear disadvantage to the children. I stand by this even if there can be a Dad-free holiday, as that is not a proper family holiday and no 7 year old isn't going to notice that their Dad isn't around for the hols.

Any advantages to the extended family are such a distant second to what is best for this man's children as to be virtually irrelevant in my opinion.

Having your brother at your wedding is not a "need", don't be so ridiculous.

Neither is the children going camping!

Poor kids.

Oh, sorry, it's more important for me to do what I want than you.

That's a great lesson to teach them.

this thread has made me realise how fortunate I am....
not quite the same, but, wiht my degree, I may be able to go to Canada on Placement, and I would be away for about 3 month. And dh is very much for it and wants me to do this.
And I really want to do it, and am hoping I can...people will probably think I am the most selfish cow here....but to me it is no different to when he used to be away for month on end with the Army...
I am sure I will miss them....but still feel strong that if I am given this chance of a lifetime it would be stupid not to go for it.

One reason my dh is wanting me to go is, because he fell in love with Canada and would love to maybe immigrate there....but, I have never been and don't think I would want to leave everything for a place I don't know anyhting about....
of course I have done that before, as I am german and obviously live in England (and also have lived in Cyprus and Northern Ireland over the years), but as we prigianlly moved with the Army it was different...

As for OP, obvioulsy if it is the financial side that is the real issue, than that is different...but if he would have accomodation with his sister, etc...than money isn't really coming into that...