dp wants to go away for 3 weeks without me and dc's , what would you say ?

[Lilyloo]

Dp has just announced that his sister who lives in Aus wants to pay for him to come out
next year to see her get married.
Unfortunately we had to say no as the flights for him , me and 3 dc's were just way to much. I was really gutted and so was dp.
However the recent failure of his buisness , which left us in a lot of debt meant we had no option. We are now living to a really tight budget trying to get back on track.
Now his sis has asked how he feels about her paying for him to go.
Now i would love for him to be able to go and see her get married but his family are going for 3 weeks.

He just told me and my initial reaction was 'that's his hols all gone for next year so no chance of us getting away at all.'
He now in a mood as he says i shouldn't be so dismissive , so presume he thought he would be going.

If he does go that's me at home with 3 dc's over easter and ds's birthday . We have bought a tent this year in hope to get cheap hols away but obv i won't be able to go without dp.

Also he will still need spending money for holiday which will be hard to find , probably accomodation etc.

Am i being unfair ? What would you say ?

Sorry it's so long

'It's easy to see how the country got into the trouble it's in now when so many people don't think it's unreasonable to put a family under financial duress for a holiday.'

She said they have a lot of debt.

He can't afford to go and it's selfish to shift the fallout for that on her.

It's a wedding, fgs. And apparently, not her first because OP said she's got an adult daughter.

I live across the world from my family. Wouldn't dream of leaving my husband on his own with three young children for three weeks to swan off to see my family when we were up to our eyes in debt.

Because it's just plain old selfish.

Wow lot's of messages.
I am more than fine being left on my own. DP has regularly gone away for a week or more on works courses etc. I don't have a problem with that , although never done 3 weeks but that is a side issue and i would be fine am sure.

As you say if he can get accomodation then that probably makes it more within a reasonable budget. All of his family are staying in hotel so that is why we presumed that is what would happen. Will have to speak to sister.

I am not saying i will or won't give him permission , he is a grown man and he can decide himself. However my primary concern is the impact it has on us as a family

Getting money for him to go (it is not a free trip covering expenses) With food and accomodation and trips out , wedding gear etc would be money that we would have to try and save for or borrow. When the pot is empty at the end of the month as expat says anything extra would be nice to have to treat us to a day out etc

DP does have a job and has worked since loosing his buisness (sorry can't remember who asked that)

As you all rightly say it is a once in a lifetime opportunity , dp would love to see his sis and she him.
But it will be a sacrifice we will all have to make for him to go for the next few months (trying to save) and afterwards with reduced hols etc

Thanks for all your input it is much appreciated and has given us a lot of food for thought

Hopefully we can work something out , thanks!

I would consider it selfish to expect my family to make such sacrifices just for a wedding, even if it were my own sister.

I couldn't even imagine considering it, the thought wouldn't have crossed my mind at all.

Like I said, when you immigrate, it goes to follow that you miss events like this due to financial/work (lack of holiday) constraints.

A fortnight is enough.

IF he could find a way to get the money together.

But seriously, if I had a huge amount of debt, I'd say no to get that paid down.

Creditors have been putting up interest rates on debtors making it even more expensive to pay back your debts.

I think the coment about its only 3 weeks and by law he should get more holiday than that is a bit unfair - BUT its 3 weeks that is not family time - with children the holiday entilement soon gets 'eaten into' We are not able to have a 3 week family holiday because of all the 'odd' days we have taken for childrens activities (school plays, sports days .. as well as the days when they are sick).
Also if it is a new job surely he would need to have 'earned' his holiday time - usually have to work a year to get full amount of paid holiday, otherwise it is based on pro-rata of months worked.

I think I would support him whatever decision he makes - free will, his sister etc. I know it will be hard on you, but sometimes these things just have to be done and 'stopping' someone is not a productive thing. I would be upfront about my concerns, but look at the positives too. Can you go camping with friends at all? Just try and stop me being at my sisters wedding if there's any way I can, and these things are important in families, even if ever so hard to organise.

And spending 3 weeks with the rest of his family - surely they are going to take the oppotunity of a lifetime to do some sightseeing and tourist things too. - Which is why i feel the 3 weeks is not necessary imo.

The op dp needs to decide if he is going because he really wants to be able to attend his sisters wedding or if it is also a great chance to see oz?
I still think he has a lot of guilt and is trying to get op's permission to go and enjoy himself.

I too would never consider doing this to my h - either we go as a family or i wouldnt go, simple.

As for the accomodation - if they all went by finding the cheapest flights (and there are some amazing bargins to be had - we had some friends did a trip from oz less than many would do a europe trip!) they could do a house swap!!!

I am utterly baffled by the people talking about him being "stopped" from doing what he wants, as though it's some unbelievable imposition on an adult father of three that he take people into consideration other than himself.

Lilyloo you asked "what would you say?" and I've been thinking about it, but I don't know because there is no way my DH would ever put me in the position your DP has with you.

However, this is how I would approach this situation if I were the one being offered this money. This is also how I would like to be treated if I were the one being expected to stay at home and do the childcare and chores for three weeks:

I would take the offer to my DH and discuss the following things in the order given -

1. Could I actually accept this offer in the first place?

Personally I would have serious issues with accepting my sibling's money for a flight in these circumstances. I might accept my Dad paying for me to travel long haul to a funeral he wanted me to represent the family at. But I would not want my sister to pay for me to go to her wedding just because I was broke.

But say I overcame those scruples and decided I could say yes, that would lead to

1. Can we afford this?

That means is there money available that can be spent on this without the rest of the family having to do without? My parents were skint my whole childhood. All the scrimping and saving that they did was for treats for us, their children. They never put treats for themselves anywhere high on the list of priorities, because they put us first.

I am really quite taken aback by the number of people that think that the parents of young children should prioritise treats and holidays for themselves above holidays for the kids. Especially when money is so tight.

Say we decided that we could afford it without anyone else doing without...

1. What is the impact on DH?

People keep saying "my DH is a great Dad and so he deserves to do whatever he wants". Well my DH is a great dad too and he deserves not to be left for three weeks with no help if he doesn't feel up to it. And I expect to be treated equally in a marriage, so unless I'd be prepared to leave him I wouldn't expect to be left.

This conversation would take the form of him pushing me to go for longer and me reducing the time so as not to put too much work on his shoulders. There is no way I would push for the max and get in a sulk if he didn't agree. That is a horrible way to treat your partner.

So that is how it would be dealt with chez doodle. It sounds to me like you can't afford for him to go and if he does it will have detrimental effects for the rest of you. If being a good wife is about letting your husband shit all over the rest of the family so he can get his own way, then I guess I'd be a bad wife if I had a selfish husband.

As for "once in a lifetime opportunity"? Give me a break. Australia's not going anywhere. People travel there every day. He can go another time. They all can.

anniemac a worrying number of people seem not to consider the money as a factor at all.

most recently:

"I think I would support him whatever decision he makes - free will, his sister etc. I know it will be hard on you, but sometimes these things just have to be done and 'stopping' someone is not a productive thing."

It's not her that would be stopping him. It's the fact that he is a father of three with responsibilities. He chose that life and now he must live it as well as he can.

Making it her fault if he can't go as though he is a teenager and she is his mother is odd, surely?

I know you do take the finances seriously, and I agree with you: if he could manage to spend no more money than he would if he were at home, then there would be no problem. I just don't think that's very realistic on a big family holiday like this.

skidoddle - i agree, and like i said earlier i think he is trying to shift the responsibilty of him going onto others ie the op and his sister and probably the rest of his family. He wants the op to say 'yeah go and with her blessing' but because she is not giving her blessing (and i can see why) he is getting into a sulk about it.

I really dont think my h would do this to us as a family either - and i cant really imagine a case where i would do it to him either.

He needs to grow up and either say 'I am going to go anyway' and be prepared to pay the price if you are not happy about it, or accept that now is not the right time to go for whatever reasons.

Instead he is waiting for others to make the decision for him.

and when i said ' the oppotunity of a life-time' what i meant was that he would make that the 'excuse' for 'having' to do all the tourist things and probably spend far more money than he can afford.
It is a long way to go for a wedding - BUT if it is the only reason for going then it can easily be done in a week.

I fear that his sister and the rest of the family will put pressure on him to stay longer with the 'its too far to go ONLY for a wedding' and for that reason alone i think the op has a right to be upset as it seems that he would rather put himself before his own family needs.

HappyWoman

Yes, you are right. I hadn't really thought of the issue of passing responsibility to his sister, and I have been a bit guilty of that too.

It's as though now she has offered he's powerless to refuse. In fact it is not really her that's put them in an awkward position. He could easily (and graciously, as Buda pointed out earlier) refuse.

You are far from the only person who referred to the "trip of a lifetime" and several of the others were using it as a reason for him to go for three weeks and "make the most of it". I agree with you - if this is about not missing his sister's wedding then whatever hardship there is in going for a short time should be weighed up against missing her wedding, not against having a long jolly his wife had to scrimp and save for.

and if he declines now - bet it is seen as lillylou who is putting her foot down.
Many on here already think like that.

Lilly i really feel for you and i do think your h and his family have put you in a very difficult position, and yet i feel that your dp will play the victim and it will be poor him that 'misses' out either on the trip or having the blessing of his family.
Lilly do not feel ashamed for your feelings either - it that is how you feel he should respect that if nothing else.

Hi

Come on - you gotta let him go. If "let him" is the correct term for what is effectively what you will end up doing.

I have been in both situations - the one to go and the one to let the other go.

I just couldn't go - I would not want to spend the cash to go for a week and I could not be parted from my kids for any longer so I made the decision not to go to my brother's wedding.

He had similar thing in Oz and wanted to go for a week and I just thought he was mad to spend the money for only one week so encouraged him to make it a trip of life time and take the 3 weeks.

My big fat jealous monster who lives in my belly and resented his 3 week fekin holiday while I was at home looking after kids with no money and no flamin annual holiday that year, just had to be told to shut up, the best thing for him was for him to go. I love him ultimately so I want the best thing for him.

The person who found it hardest was him - he could not believe how badly he took being away from us all, totally unexpected.

And things weren't helped by the fact we were going through some very very stressful situations.

But - how are you ever going to feel about yourself knowing you've told him "no" - that can't be right. he'll be miserable about not seeing his sister getting married and if he is not doing it because of your refusal to let him go then he'll just turn his misery on to you!!

And, think of your halo and how shiny its going to be and how wonderful you can feel.

And - the 3 weeks were actually pretty good - quiet - but ultimately I think it did us all the world of good for a whole host of reasons you wouldn't want to know about.

If your going through stressful times, maybe the 3 week trip might be the best thing that could happen to you both.

Surely you at the very least have to treat your dh the way you would want to be treated. Let him go, encourage him - don't let him know that it cuts you up. Let him enjoy it. If he has 3 kids it might do him some good to get away and remember what it was like to be a young free and single. Let him go, he'll love you even more for it.

Tell him to go. Be wonderful about it and charming and delightful. He will be stricken with guilt the whole time he's away knowing what a wonderful wife he has left at home and will do anything for you for a long time to come. Don't hesitate.

He may well feel really guilty the whole trip and miss his family terribly - i know my h hated it when he was away for 3 weeks with work and actually it was ok for me too (had my own space and so on), and yes he was lovely for a while after too.

Lily only you know how your h will react to this. Let us know how it goes and what happens.

Just wanted to come back on and say, no, having re-read your post you are clearly not being unfair, and clearly not telling him what he should do. It is an unfair situation for you, and hopefully your dh will see that and make a decision based on that (i.e. keeping costs down or not going). Hope it works out ok for you.

I couldn't agree more, skidoodle, and also with ilovemydog's point about it being pretty shitty of the sister to drop her brother and SIL in a predicament like this.

FFS!

He is an adult with three young children and big debts.

Now I know why there are so many of these doormats posting in the relationship section.

Let him remember what it was like to be free and single again?

Are you for real?!

Bloodyright, but he isn't young free and single, and neither is the Op.
He would be being young free and single on the Family money and in Family time (his annual leave).

Op would be at home with 3 DC.

I still think if 1 week is doable then that's one thing, but 3 weeks is far too big an ask.

yeah, exactly, he has kids and is married and is stressed out financially. Don't you think it might be nice for him to go off and leave it all behind and forget about it all - even if its just for a few days before he realises how much he misses you all.

God, its not a case of being a doormat or a fekin hard ass beeeatch. If you give with love you get back a lot more. Give him the chance - I have been there, I know how hard it is when the big green monster would really really like to go herself.

Give him a chance to go and forget - he'll come back and maybe be able to carry you for a while. if your both frazzled and over stressed then its sometimes a good thing for one of you to get your batteries recharged.

'Don't you think it might be nice for him to go off and leave it all behind and forget about it all - even if its just for a few days before he realises how much he misses you all.'

They're in loads of debt! Loads of debt in a recession means more and more creditors are hiking the rate of interest the debtor has to pay back.

It means no holiday with the family, three little kids for another year.

All for one person.

Being a grown up and a parent oftentimes means you just have to suck it up.

Tough shit.