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Original poster

dp wants to go away for 3 weeks without me and dc's , what would you say ?

210 replies

Lilyloo · 15/07/2009 16:33

Dp has just announced that his sister who lives in Aus wants to pay for him to come out
next year to see her get married.
Unfortunately we had to say no as the flights for him , me and 3 dc's were just way to much. I was really gutted and so was dp.
However the recent failure of his buisness , which left us in a lot of debt meant we had no option. We are now living to a really tight budget trying to get back on track.
Now his sis has asked how he feels about her paying for him to go.
Now i would love for him to be able to go and see her get married but his family are going for 3 weeks.

He just told me and my initial reaction was 'that's his hols all gone for next year so no chance of us getting away at all.'
He now in a mood as he says i shouldn't be so dismissive , so presume he thought he would be going.

If he does go that's me at home with 3 dc's over easter and ds's birthday . We have bought a tent this year in hope to get cheap hols away but obv i won't be able to go without dp.

Also he will still need spending money for holiday which will be hard to find , probably accomodation etc.

Am i being unfair ? What would you say ?

Sorry it's so long

OP posts:

ProfessorPhantomPlopper · 15/07/2009 21:17

I wouldn't be happy about it all.

If finances allowed it and he had more time off later on to spend with you guys it'd be different, but as it is, I wouldn't agree to it.

MiniMarmite · 15/07/2009 21:19

My DH is Australian and we ended up in a similar situation when we got married. It was quite difficult to contemplate DH's family not being there so we offered to pay for some of the airfare. Some people felt that could not accept it or come for their own reasons and we accepted that (of course) - I imagine your SIL would understand if that were the final decision.

I can see the reverse situation happening to us in the future - as we (hopefully) have more kids I know that DH will have to go back there without me for one reason or another and I think that it is fair that he represents us at important events. I would feel that 10 days - 2 weeks would be reasonable. Doing an Oz trip in a week is a bit of a nightmare.

So, it could go either way really depending on how manageable it is financially.

anniemac · 15/07/2009 21:57

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anniemac · 15/07/2009 22:02

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anniemac · 15/07/2009 22:04

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expatinscotland · 15/07/2009 22:07

I think not getting your family into debt during the worst recession in decades and cancelling all their holidays to go away for so long shows love, too.

Sorry, but leaving your spouse with three children that young for that long for anything other than a funeral is selfish, IMO.

I live over 5,000 miles away from my family and nope, wouldn't consider leaving my husband with three children that young for three weeks to go for a wedding.

moondog · 15/07/2009 22:11

no point him going if he has to turn around and come back after a week.
let him go with good grace-3 weeks isn't a lifetime

expatinscotland · 15/07/2009 22:13

Three weeks on my own with three children that age is about as close to hell as I care to get in this lifetime.

Debs75 · 15/07/2009 22:13

Let him go for the week if you can afford it and are not borrowing money.. If SIL is paying for full flight and offering accomodation then he doesn't need much spending money.

OZ can easily be done in a week. When BIL was in prison in OZ he could be transferred to England if they paid for 2 guards to fly with him 2 nights accomodation then fly back and back to work so as a one off 1 week would be fine. And remember he will be child free so will be able to relax easier

anniemac · 15/07/2009 22:19

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Loshad · 15/07/2009 22:23

Of course you should let him go, fair enough compromise on the length of time but it's a very generous offer from his sister, and just because you can't all go it seems unreasonable to say he shouldn't either. Rather dog in the magerish - We can't all go and have fun so you shouldn't either. It's not as if it means no holidays ever for you - just one year, and you could camp on your own with dc even next year - there are always folk who will help pu up a tent if you struggle.
Dh is often away at conferences and no way am i super woman but have rumbled along just fine with a load of littlies, in fact i used to use it as a chance to chill a bit more, sandwiches the odd night for the kids teas as no need to cook for DH, didn't bother tidying up the toys etc.

SerendipitousHarlot · 15/07/2009 22:25

I would have no problem with this whatsoever. I agree with anniemac - he's not a child, it shouldn't be up to anyone to allow him to go! And the same would go the other way around, I would HATE it if my dh tried to stop me doing something like that.

The financial side is a different issue, and tbh I can understand why that would piss you off. But can you put your hand on your heart and say that you're not using it as a bit of an excuse to prevent him going?

anniemac · 15/07/2009 22:29

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moondog · 15/07/2009 23:00

I'm with you on this Loshad.
I manage 2 kids, a job a business and study for an MSc alone for weeks on end while dh away. It's hard but can be done.

I am recompensed in different ways.

FairLadyRantALot · 15/07/2009 23:11

[Hhmm] maybe I am not looking at this as most people do, as dh was in the armed forces until last year, hence me being used to be alone with Kids for up to 6 month...so, 3 weeks seems like nothing...

His sis offered to pay for him, and I would think that includes accommodation....it obviously means lots to her...and to say, you can go but for a week would be silly....I mean, it's a long way away, etc...

Just make sure that at one stage you also get some time away....and maybe you could plan a camping holiday aswell....doesn't have to cost the earth!
If you say no, he will resent you....

moondog · 15/07/2009 23:13

Quite.
And if you haven't much cash, just go and stay with a friend or relative and relax.

Alambil · 15/07/2009 23:13

3 weeks is really not that long!

He should go, it's his immediate family, not some long-lost second cousin thrice removed!

FairLadyRantALot · 15/07/2009 23:20

oh, had to lol at a comment made on this thread, about "if family means so much to his sister, than she shouldn't have moved so far away" ...

expatinscotland · 15/07/2009 23:48

See, I could never marry a person in the armed forces or who worked away and have kids because I couldn't handle long stretches on my own with the kids.

Maybe OP's the same way because if it weren't a big deal she wouldn't have given it a second thought?

We're super skint all the time, so I can see her point about the additional money.

Everyone keeps saying 'it's really cheap for accommodation in Oz' but when you don't have anything left at the end of the month and you have debts, even really cheap isn't free.

moondog · 15/07/2009 23:53

I tohught I would never ever be able to cope alone.
But I can and it's ok, really it is.

expatinscotland · 15/07/2009 23:55

Glad it's okay for you. It's not okay for everyone. Fair enough if they have no choice as in partner died or walks off or the like.

But we're talking about a wedding in Australia.

ilovemydogandmrobama · 15/07/2009 23:56

Think you should go as a family or not at all. My family are all in the US, and would be offended if someone offered to pay for me to come over, but not DP and the kids (not that I would accept it)

Once you're back on your feet as a family, couldn't you all go out and stay a month or so?

Oh, and think it's really shitty of his sister to effectively make him choose.

expatinscotland · 15/07/2009 23:59

True enough, ilove.

expatinscotland · 16/07/2009 00:05

OP said they have a lot of debt from a failed business.

So yeah, cheap accommodation, go mooch off a friend whilst he's away.

Look, being in that situation myself (not the way huge debts but little to NO money) even that's just not very feasible.

How many friends have time and space to lodge 4 people, including 3 young children?

I don't know anyone who even has a house that big!

hambler · 16/07/2009 00:12

I agree with all those who think he should go for 3 weeks if he wants, with your blessing. `SO long as you can afford whatever expenses it will entail

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