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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'H' Has just walked out.......

224 replies

TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 01/07/2009 21:36

Head in such a mess. DS was going into one of his meltdowns and I have so so much work to do. I wanted H to try and sort it.

But it doesn't work. And DS said 'don't ask him, he has probably been drinking.'

H was trying but his tone was impatient and unsympathetic and was winding DS up.

I pointed it out, I don't know, things started to escalate very quickly, and in frustration i expressed that DS had said he was frightened when he had been drinking...I didn't know H had already had a drink....

He blew up, packed a bag and walked out.

I am such a mess. Trying to accept that my marriage is over and that the man I married slowly disappeared. It is my wedding anniversary on friday, and part of me never wants to see him again and part of me feels so very sad that it is all such a mess.

I can't fall apart but I want to. I don't want to keep things together any more and keep putting sticking plaster on a wound that doesn't want to heal.

I am not sure what to do.

Oh shit........

OP posts:
Yurtgirl · 01/07/2009 21:39

Mitsubishi

Im not sure what to say

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 01/07/2009 21:43

Oh lovie.

My turn to try and support you when you have been so lovely on the shiney sashaying thread.

What can I do?

poopscoop · 01/07/2009 21:47

oh shit

Overmydeadbody · 01/07/2009 21:57

Oh dear

Take it small steps at a time, just deal with the day to day rather than being daunted by the bigger picture, and tihngs will sort themselves out and you will get through this.

sounds like you are better off without him.

foofi · 01/07/2009 21:59

Pour yourself a glass of wine and try and do something ordinary to take your mind off things. I know 'sleep on it' is a bit of a cliche, but you might actually feel a bit more able to cope with things in the morning.

ilovemydogandmrobama · 01/07/2009 22:02

Wow - so sorry, but if your DS comments about his drinking, then this is really really bad news. But great that your DS feels safe/confident to make the observation to you rather than being in fear of saying it.

Oh, and you don't need to do anything. Only when you're ready as you call the shots.

Original poster
TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 01/07/2009 22:06

......thanks...a bit of a mess to respond..DC's settled a little, very tired and sad...

OP posts:
Unlikelyamazonian · 01/07/2009 22:20

Well that's crap of him isn't it. To pack a bag and walk. Childish.

I agree that if DS is pointing out his dad's drinking then that's bad.

How you feeling now? Have you heard from him? Try not to blame yourself for what has happened. Take things one minute at a time. Deep breaths. Cup of tea. Have you texted him?

If you feel you don't want to be with him then don't dismiss that feeling. You have some thinking to do. You will survive this.

dittany · 01/07/2009 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TooTicky · 01/07/2009 23:17

{{{{{{{Mits}}}}}}}

Original poster
TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 01/07/2009 23:44

Not heard from him, and am angry sad and frightened and worried.

He has implied that he might take his own life if we are not going to be together and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
SuperBunny · 01/07/2009 23:51

Oh mits

Original poster
TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 01/07/2009 23:53

SadSadSad

OP posts:
SuperBunny · 01/07/2009 23:54

I know it's impossible not to worry about what H will do tonight but please take care of yourself. Make sure your DC are settled, make some tea. Is there someone you can call?

SolidGoldBrass · 02/07/2009 00:02

I don't know the background to this but if he is an alcoholic who uses emotional blackmail ('I'll kill myself if you won't put up with my drinking and carry on servicing me') then TBH you are better off without him. Be kind to yourself tonight, try to get some sleep, and in the morning look into your legal position.

Original poster
TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 02/07/2009 00:03

No not at the moment.

He has 2 sons and his mum is 89.....

I have tried to call him but he isn't answering...either too angry with me, stubborn or hurt, the dc's will freak. Didn't take his drink with him....(cans of cider...)

I didn't want it to be like this,

OP posts:
pickyvic · 02/07/2009 00:06

then dont be. dont try and call tonight. go to bed, sleep on it, start again with a fresh head and fresh eyes tomorrow.

be strong. if the kids are talking about him drinking then its a problem already.
x

thumbwitch · 02/07/2009 00:06

for you Mitsubishi - that's shit. And he is a bit of a shit too for just walking out like that.

Let it go for now - if you really need to, send him a text message saying that you'd like to talk when he's ready.

If he is into playing controlling mind games, don't keep after him trying to find out if he's ok/coming home/where is he etc., it will all feed into his power trip.

He has behaved rather like a tantrummy toddler tonight - treat his behaviour in that way.

(((hugs))) for you.

TooTicky · 02/07/2009 00:10

Mits, am here if you want me. Still up for a bit anyway, but will leave phone on andnext to my ear.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

SuperBunny · 02/07/2009 00:20

Mits, I agree. Leave him be for tonight. Hes not your responsibility - you have to take care of yourself and the DC.

Try to get some sleep and you can deal with this in the morning.

blinks · 02/07/2009 00:34

as the child of an alcoholic i can empathise with all of you.

even your husband.

it is of enormous importance that you learn about your role in the cycle of alcoholism. once you realise that by responding and reacting in certain ways to the drinking, the problem will intensify and eventually take over your life. you can support and encourage an alcoholic to get help but ultimately the choice is theirs. you are in no way to blame for this situation and you must remember that when he tries to implicate you in it. addicts will fuck with your head so that you stay and ENABLE their drinking.

please get some support. al-anon is great or you can read loads about alcoholism, enabling and co-dependency online.

take responsibility for yourself and your children. the rest is up to him.

don't continue to expose your son to this though. it leaves lasting scars.

BitOfFun · 02/07/2009 00:50

Oh shit, I'm sorry you're going through this lovie...you'll be ok, we're all here, you'll get through it. Sending you strength x

blinks · 02/07/2009 01:14

i realise a bit in there made no grammatical sense. hope you get the general message though.

Original poster
TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 02/07/2009 05:45

thanks, esp blinks. I both sympathise with him, and am frustrated and angry with him.

I don't know if he is an 'alcoholic'. Given the choice he will drink everynight, sometimes just a pint sometimes more, if off work he will have a pint during the day.

I don't have a problem in itself with this, but I do have a problem with the way it affects him and therefore and the children. We have been falling apart for over 2 years and drink has been a recurring issue, does it induce a kind of negativity and paranoia about life? perhaps not on the same scale as drugs but certainly a kind of 'why is life treating me like this?'

It could kill his mum if he just takes off..... i have a mixed relationship with her, but wouldn't see her have her heart broken.

thanks for comments and support, if I don't respond to all posts, I apologise but my head is a mess...

OP posts:
LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 02/07/2009 06:04

I hope you managed to get some sleep last night. Just remember he is an adult, his actions are his responsibility not yours. I think you need to decide what YOU want, what's best for you and the children, you might realise that doesn't include him full-time.

Take care and good luck.