'H' Has just walked out.......

[TheMitsubishiWarrioress]

Head in such a mess. DS was going into one of his meltdowns and I have so so much work to do. I wanted H to try and sort it.

But it doesn't work. And DS said 'don't ask him, he has probably been drinking.'

H was trying but his tone was impatient and unsympathetic and was winding DS up.

I pointed it out, I don't know, things started to escalate very quickly, and in frustration i expressed that DS had said he was frightened when he had been drinking...I didn't know H had already had a drink....

He blew up, packed a bag and walked out.

I am such a mess. Trying to accept that my marriage is over and that the man I married slowly disappeared. It is my wedding anniversary on friday, and part of me never wants to see him again and part of me feels so very sad that it is all such a mess.

I can't fall apart but I want to. I don't want to keep things together any more and keep putting sticking plaster on a wound that doesn't want to heal.

I am not sure what to do.

Oh shit........

can you call GP? is GP aware of the family issues?

does DS already get seen under CAMHS? if so call them...

if not you can ask for referral - he will need help to deal with all this.

you have a child who needs some help - and that help will help you too...

could you call parentline ? They might have good advice.

GP is aware, as are camhs, and I have called his 'mentor' the poor soul is in meltdown, both hating and wanting his dad.

How did I let it get so bad?

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not your fault

Tell your DS that it is his father who has caused the breakdown of the family. Daddy;s been naughty because daddy is poorly in the head. It;s very important to emphasise that it is your H who is at fault. Because it is. Yes, he;s ill, alcoholism is a disease, blah blah blah, but he;s also a selfish tosser with an overdeveloped sense of entitlement.
Please don't feel guilty about 'rejecting' this man - rejecting a self-pitying addict is sensible positive reasonable behaviour.
He;s gone, let him stay gone and start working on a new life for you and the DC; you can control the tosser's contact with them ie stipulate when and where, and that he's got to be sober, and if you are worried that he will be violent or neglectful you can stop contact till he sorts himself out.
Honestly, don't waste any more time or energy on the H, think 'Good riddance' and concentreate on yourself and the DC.

Mitsubishi - it sounds truly awful what you are all going through just now.

Your husband has to sort himself out. He has walked out and is expecting/hoping you will all worry and fret about him. That is why he is not responding to your texts because he knows he has you hooked into that train of thought. Stop exerting so much energy into tracking him and start looking after you and your son. Reassure him that hubby has gone to have some time on his own and he is fine. Adults need to do that sometimes. Take the emphasis off of whether your husband is safe or not. Spend time thinking about you and yours. When you stop contacting him you will be surprised how quickly he turns up on your doorstep or even just lets himself back in! If it were me I would be taking the kids out to do something to take their minds off things. Why not go and see a movie tonight or something? If will take both your minds off the situation and allow you both some peaceful, calm time. Baby steps, one day at a time.

Sending some positive engergy for you all.

Fruitysunshine

Have only texted him once to ask for reassurance for DC's that in their minds, he is still alive..

SGB, am trying to tell DS that sort of stuff over and over again..but this has been too long coming, he really thinks he is bad and I suppose I focussed more on his rages than truly realising the impact it was having on DC's because of the nice bits inbetween.

Went into shop and lad serving said to DD..

'so why are you not at school then?'

and she just said 'because Daddy left us....'

Hi toot....((((()))))

Oh Mits, give her a hug from me. Ds too. And you {{{{{{{}}}}}}}

you didnt let it get so bad - he did.

poor you and pooor dcs...

"does it induce a kind of negativity and paranoia about life? perhaps not on the same scale as drugs but certainly a kind of 'why is life treating me like this?' "

my ex was like this but without alcohol to blame...alcoholic or not - it is selfish attitude.

agree with other posters - he is an adult. dont worry about him. you will hear soon enough if something happens to him. no news is good news.

tell kids - daddy has gone off for some days to get himself sorted out - may or may not be true but you can put positive slant... until something happens and there is bad news to tell them, why worry about it?

that in meantime you are going to have some quiet fun times together and not worry about him - he is an adult who can look after himself. i like the cinema suggestion....

and do your best to keep hm out of sight out of mind.

plan - for what happens if he turns up - do not let him in. double lock doors and do not let him in - he has to sort himself out. if he pleads/gets agressive/smashes door/windows - call police.

also dont worry about his mother - she has to face the truth sooner or later. it is NOT your responsibility. you dont need to tell her anything other than he has gone and you dont know where he is - if she asks you.

sounds like a clear break - maybe think in terms of weeks, a month before you have contact - will be good for all of you, then later you can arrange contact, controlled and maybe supervised, with dcs if they want it.

when my ex left for his home country after major episode breakdown violence whatever - it was a relief...for all...dcs settled down very well...

maybe telling your son that he has gone off, that you will not allow him back in house for a month at least; that if he is in contact you will not see him alone but only in mediation/family therpyy/with CAMHMs/mentor - situation - maybe telling your son this might help him?
so he knows home is now a safe place?

There are some fabulous, wise people on this thread

sorry - make it - you will never allow him in house again. that dcs will be able to see him if they wish, in a place of their choosing and with support if they need it.

sounds like it IS over and there is not much you can do for him.

he can rebuild relationship with dcs if he gets himself sorted.

H has talked to DDSs and his mum about his overwhelming love for me and how he wants nothing more to be back as part of the family again.

Without going into detail about how we got here I seem like the one who is giving up for no reason. One DSS expressed understanding at his fathers issues but naturally his overriding concern is his dad.

Apparently I 'sound alright'....yes, because I have to, becuase I have a little boy who doesn't know whether to love or hate his own Dad, who needs someone to be alright. To be as consistant and reasoned as life is allowing me to be when really right now I want to really rant and let off steam..

But i must be calm and dignified and 'keep things together'.

what do YOU want?

I want H to accept that things have gone too far and that whilst as the Father of my children and the man I married, I do care, things can not go back to the way they were.

I want him to get a house near enough to the children so that as long as his drinking doesn't become worse, he and the DC's can see each other as and when they like.

I personally would like to have limitted but civil contact with H.

I want to build a quiet, stable loving environment for my DC's, esp. my DS so that he can learn to be the boy I know he has the potential to be, without being scared of his Dad's anger, and equally his own and the fear that he will always be like that and as such, unlovable in the future.

I want some time to myself, so that I can be the person I think I have the potential to be instead of the mopper up of messes. And heal the damage that I myself may have done to my DC's as I have struggled to keep things going.

I am glad H is with his Mum, apparently he slept rough last night, and that is not what I wish for him, although he did choose to walk out.....

I want him to stop putting the whole resolution of the situation on my shoulders, that all I have to say I will take him back and somehow things will be OK. I want him to admit, deep down, the part he played in turning a challenging boy, into an emotional nightmare. And heal the wounds, not because he thinks it will 'get me back', but because my son is important, and the damage is alarming to see.

He had me and things weren't OK. He was angry and disattisfied and complaining and impatient. He was capable of being cruel and unkind, jealous and moody. When things were good, they were good, when they were bad, they were unbearable.

Maybe even one day I would like to be with somebody that doesn't shout..... or maybe it is me that causes the shouting without me knowing how.

I'd like not to feel tired and weary and have a chance to do the thing I love best in relationships (with anyone) and that for the most part, is laugh, and enjoy the simple things in life.

I don't want to feel guilty and bad anymore, and that if I try a little bit harder, I can make things OK.

OK. I have just had a text from H saying that the level of the computer screen may be affecting DS's stress levels....

WTF.......no you fucking moronic TWAT, your alcoholic consumption, and your inability to control the crap that come out of your mouth increases his bloody stress levels.

A volcano is about to erupt, you don't put a fucking plaster on it for crying out loud.

WHY?????????

If I respond inapropriately it will be me that is being unreasonable , yes dear, lets get a special chair for the computer and I will fetch you a bottle of cider to drink while you read the instructions, and then take the children out so they don't annoy you while you try to figure out how to put it together.
But I won't talk to any men while I am out because I know it makes you jealous and insecure, infact I will wear a niqab and avoid eye contact with anyone.

And then of course I don't mind working and seeing to the DC's bedtime needs while you sit in your room and drink the rest of the cider and listen to music

It is me isn't it?

Mits...
He;s a Wanker. YOu not wanting to be with him is understandable and reasonable. Why on earth would anyone want to 'be with' a selfish, whining, demanding, unreasonable alcoholic?
YOu matter too. YOu have clearly spent way too long thinkin about this man and what he needs and how to love him enough - because he says he loves you. Well if he 'loved' you he would be making an effort to sort himself out and treat you and the DC with basic courtesy and consideration. 'I love you' from wankers like this mean 'Let me do what I like and carry on servicing me, because I am a man and it's really romantic when I say I love you, I don;t actually have to do anything for you.'

That wasn't very dignified was it?

thanks SGB.....i think I am a bit slow on the uptake......

ta...shiney...keeping on keeping on y'know...

Yes dittany, repeatedly over the last 2 years (tried to nag), especially last year. Got him to stop drinking super strength lagers (I did used to drink as well), but he bought that the other day.
He walked out last night because I tried to remind him his manner with DS was frightening him....

Too much for too long.

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sorry...that was supposed to be tried NOT to nag.....

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