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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'H' Has just walked out.......

224 replies

TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 01/07/2009 21:36

Head in such a mess. DS was going into one of his meltdowns and I have so so much work to do. I wanted H to try and sort it.

But it doesn't work. And DS said 'don't ask him, he has probably been drinking.'

H was trying but his tone was impatient and unsympathetic and was winding DS up.

I pointed it out, I don't know, things started to escalate very quickly, and in frustration i expressed that DS had said he was frightened when he had been drinking...I didn't know H had already had a drink....

He blew up, packed a bag and walked out.

I am such a mess. Trying to accept that my marriage is over and that the man I married slowly disappeared. It is my wedding anniversary on friday, and part of me never wants to see him again and part of me feels so very sad that it is all such a mess.

I can't fall apart but I want to. I don't want to keep things together any more and keep putting sticking plaster on a wound that doesn't want to heal.

I am not sure what to do.

Oh shit........

OP posts:
blinks · 04/07/2009 15:17

great advice snorbs.

SuperBunny · 04/07/2009 15:36

Mits, what's happening now?

Have the Police ever been involved?

I think you would be very unwise to let H back in now.

Are your family supporting you and helping with the dc?

Original poster
TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 04/07/2009 16:02

Not intending to let him back, but SS said to me that because he isn't considered to be a high risk (last incident at easter) so it wasn't enforcable but that a dim view if he returned.

I so didn't want this.

I would like to think for the DC's, he will get help and be the Dad I have seen him be. However hurt and angry I am, I do not intend to lose my humanity, and in the long run as the father of my children, I owe it to them to protect them but also if at all possible, let them have a father for them to respect and admire. But this will be under very different circumstances.

His family have mixed feelings, but as far as MIL is now concerned I am a thoroughly bad egg.

I am still not answering the phone.

I gave DS some cans of cider and a baseball bat and some privacy in the garden..............

OP posts:
SuperBunny · 04/07/2009 16:18

That sounds like a good idea, Mits. I hope it helps DS.

No-one wants this - it is awful. But your DC will be better for it. And, hopefully, with time, they will have the father you want them to have.

Try not to worry about what people think of you - it is your DC that matter. You're not a bad egg, far from it.

Original poster
TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 04/07/2009 18:05

I threatened to call the police once SB...

His son has been with him and has come to see DC's...he really is a lovely man. If he is angry with me for the position his dad is in with the SS, he is not showing it.
I feel sick though.

DD is chirpy, despite starting a new school on monday, and her Dad not being here. I can't decide if she is 'well adjusted', or internalising things. I keep giving her the chance to talk and encourage her to ring her Dad, but she is bright and bubbly most of the time.

Thank you to all and as much for the practical advice and links.. have spent four days with the children, and come monday will start to look at the practical side of things....

We have had a lovely time together and because everytning is so much more relaxed it isn't as hard work as I though it would be. I have a lot more time because I am not dealing with so much anger and rage. Although I am sure this is a sort of 'honeymoon period' and things will not be so much easier always.

OP posts:
SuperBunny · 04/07/2009 18:17

Well, I'm glad his son has been ok. And been to see the DC - that's very good.

Without knowing your DD, I imagine there is a bit of both. If I were her, I would feel a lot more relaxed although I'm sure that brings up mixed feelings and she's bound to miss him too.

Of course you feel sick. This is horrible It WILL get easier though. I won't say it'll be easy but having the unpredictability removed from your lives will help. And perhaps this will give H the time he needs to get himself straightened out.

I hope you have someone nearby who can help out and bring you apple pies.

littlerach · 04/07/2009 18:18

I am glad things are looking up somewhat, Mits.

Virtual apple pies for you

Original poster
TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 04/07/2009 18:45

()...xx

OP posts:
Snorbs · 04/07/2009 18:58

Mits, I can so understand your feelings that your ex should sort himself out for the children. It's entirely reasonable for you to think that because, I'm sure, you'd do anything for your children and so cannot imagine that he wouldn't.

But alcoholism can be a very very tough thing to beat. Moreover, it takes a long time to be sure that they've really turned the corner. The majority of alcoholics who stop drinking will relapse, often repeatedly. Many progress from daily drinking to a cycle of periods of sobriety interspersed with out-of-control binges.

What I'm trying to say is... Try not to get your hopes up. He will drink, or not drink, entirely for his own reasons. You didn't cause his drinking problems, you cannot control his drinking, and you can't cure his alcoholism. It's all up to him.

Original poster
TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 04/07/2009 19:18

I have sort of accepted that snorbs, and earlier in the thread blinks said about supporting him from a distance...keeping a good relationship with his sons, ( i think I might be burning in hell where his mother is concerned), keeping controlled access to DC's, and if I can help him find somewhere else to live, I will. I don't want him back here..., too much for too long,

Thumbwitch.. my family are OK, my Dad is generally very controling and says it is not their place to get involved with issues between a man and a woman. But they would help in a practical way regards to the children..

Fruitysunshine, your post was not simplistic...life gets overcomplicated and it is too easy to look for complications so they don't surprise the crap out of you..

I am going to put a sign on the door..''please don't be nice to me or I will burst into tears and throw my arms around you for a hug....... ''

If I keep saying thank-you it is because I really think I would have falen apart without the support on here. RL friends are good, but can't be there all the time but with MN, there is usually someone around whatever time a crisis crops up....

so Thank-you.

OP posts:
TooTicky · 04/07/2009 20:29

Just dropping off a basket of hugs... xx

Original poster
TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 04/07/2009 20:39

Just feel like crying Toot.......

OP posts:
TooTicky · 04/07/2009 20:45

wish I could be there
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

TooTicky · 04/07/2009 20:46

can do fb chat later if that is any help xx

Original poster
TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 04/07/2009 20:50

stuff to do, but thanks, need to keep organised or I will fall apart.

((((())))))

OP posts:
TooTicky · 04/07/2009 20:52

Okay. Well shout if you want me xx

Original poster
TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 04/07/2009 21:04

Even if someone has a drink problem is is ok to be fucking angry with them?

Because I am tired and lost and lonely and sad. Because I don't know how to do this. And it hurts.

It really really is shit.

I feel so guilty and crap, and his anger is so imense that I can not really express it. I am no match for him. But how can you say you love someone and then hurt them so much? Over and over again.

He knew he had a problem and recognised he was screwing things up.

So why do they keep drinking? How can you be so tender and yet so much of a monster at times, and yes I am being strong but I am terrified of my own feelings because I don't think I can actually handle them.

I don't want to remember certain parts of my marriage because it got pretty shitty and that really really is so sad. And then when he has cried how sorry he is, about how he will be lonely for the rest of his life because he has never known anyone like me, so why? if I was so special did he treat me and DC's so badly? He has taken my heart and broken it over and over again and now I have the bits and a screwed up DS and a life to rebuild and he will never ever understand what he has done.

And no one will really know. How bad it got. I don't really 'do' anger but I could shout and rage and smash things and get the poisin out of my head and my mind because in moments like this, it is killing me.

why?, why? why? why? why?

OP posts:
SuperBunny · 04/07/2009 21:14

Mits, my ex was not an alcoholic but he has done some similar things - physically, emotionally and mentally hurt me (in front of DS), threatened to kill himself (he had no intention of actually doing it), curled up on the floor and cried and, at other times, was more normal and affectionate. It was so confusing. Whatever his issues, he really messed with me and that was totally unfair and left me feeling sad and angry. Even now it is all over, I still feel sad about it and angry too. I don't know that it will ever go away completely. But it does get easier.

Do you have someone to talk to?

TooTicky · 04/07/2009 21:15

Yes, it is okay to be angry. Very very angry.
Nobody should go through what you have been through.
He has been so so selfish.
The alcohol is not a valid excuse for behaving the way he has.

But now a line has been drawn under it, and he cannot do it any more.
You and the dcs can start to heal. It will take time but it will be okay.
Take it in little stages.
When it hurts lots, come and talk on here or you can get me any time.
You are travelling in the right direction now.

And one day you will be free from all the hurt.

Thinking of you lots and always here for you.

Big hugs xx

TooTicky · 04/07/2009 21:19

Mits, I have to drive to thestation and back. Just for a change. But am textable. Back in about an hour xx

Original poster
TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 04/07/2009 22:02

I find it hard to accept whether or not H's drinking falls in the definition of 'alcoholism'...

if it is, I know it is an illness and I should empathise with him, -his behaviour, his emotional abuse is a symptom of an illness-, because don't we with any other illness?

But it could be so crap, how can you not see that the way you are treating someone is so damaging?

I will call AA but can't fall apart around the DC's, and I very badly feel I am falling apart now.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 04/07/2009 22:17

TMW - you have every right to be very angry. Although alcoholism can be seen as an illness, it takes a long time for it to reach that stage, and your DH could have prevented it from getting that far. He didn't.

I am always very suspicious of the emotional outpourings - I think they stem from fear - fear of losing his wife, his DC, his home, his status among friends and the community - rather than from actually caring what he has done. If he loved you as much as he said he does, then WHY treat you so badly?

Answer: he just doesn't love you enough. He might say he does, he might even think he does; but he doesn't. This is his failing, not yours.

One day, when this is all over and you have rebuilt yor self-confidence, you will meet a lovely man who WILL love you enough - and you will find out the difference.
At the moment it won't feel like it - I know I didn't feel like it would 14 years ago when my ex left me (no DC thank God) - but I have, and we have a lovely DS to show for it.

Keep talking to us on here - I wish MN had been around 14 years ago! There's always some bod to talk to.

Big (((hugs))) again.

maltesers · 04/07/2009 22:30

My Ex used to do that....pack a bag and bugger off. I was left at home 'holding the baby'....literally. I would phone to find out where he was and ask him to come back and i would hate myself for it.
THUMBWITCH...you are so rite... you are fuelling his power by putting up with his nonsense. Wish i had had the courage to tell my Ex to get stuffed and push off. We had a mutual split in the end and it was very hard.

TooTicky · 04/07/2009 22:32

Doesn't really matter if it is alcoholism from that point of view. He is totally in the wrong and responsible for his actions past and present.

Original poster
TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 04/07/2009 22:39

I am so lost. Really.

Thanks TW.

He has to leave his mums tomorrow and I am dreading that he will turn up here. He has friends, although we lost regular contact with a lot of them, but he has so far refused to even talk to them, I tried to encourage him to some time ago to help him sort things out.

I feel so stupid and useless. And paranoid. Am glad his brother hasn't called, but wonder why. DSS was really nice but was he justbeing nice for DC's sake? H's mother is almost definately going to call once H has left and some of my customers have blocked numbers so how do I know when it is her or one of them? She is really not happy with me.

H is extremely good at being in a confrontational situation, he really should have been a lawyer, his mind is at its best when he is railing against something. But his feelings against authorities is already an isssue, and I am no match. I am so fucking simple.

OP posts: