'H' Has just walked out.......

[TheMitsubishiWarrioress]

Head in such a mess. DS was going into one of his meltdowns and I have so so much work to do. I wanted H to try and sort it.

But it doesn't work. And DS said 'don't ask him, he has probably been drinking.'

H was trying but his tone was impatient and unsympathetic and was winding DS up.

I pointed it out, I don't know, things started to escalate very quickly, and in frustration i expressed that DS had said he was frightened when he had been drinking...I didn't know H had already had a drink....

He blew up, packed a bag and walked out.

I am such a mess. Trying to accept that my marriage is over and that the man I married slowly disappeared. It is my wedding anniversary on friday, and part of me never wants to see him again and part of me feels so very sad that it is all such a mess.

I can't fall apart but I want to. I don't want to keep things together any more and keep putting sticking plaster on a wound that doesn't want to heal.

I am not sure what to do.

Oh shit........

Hey, hang on there...I am typing a reply but I is slow...

TMW- you are not simple. You are a strong sensible woman who has been put down and undermined for a long time by a controlling manipulative alcoholic git.

Get an answerphone that you can hear the messages on - let it screen your calls for you. That way, you only get the calls you want to pick up.

Don't worry about his brother, be grateful that he isn't bothering you.

If you are really worried he will turn up, then lock the doors against him. If you have bolts, use them. If he tried to force entry, call the police.

Please don't worry about your MIL - of course she is going to side with her DS, it takes a very special woman not to (they do exist). In the end, if she wants to maintain some kind of sensible regular contact with her DGs she will sort herself out eventually, but she too has to come to terms with her DS's problem, difficult when he still denies it.

If your DSS was nice to you, it's because he thinks you're worth being nice to. Just because your H hasn't thought this for some time, doesn't mean others have to conform to his warped view.

It's going to take some time to get over this whole situation but you CAN do it, you have your DC to help and support and give you strength to do it.

Mits, can you lock the doors tomorrow? Would your parents sit with you or would that be a bad thing? Or a friend?

NOT stupid or useless.
And not paranoid...worried.

DSS was being nicebecause he is a good person andhe likes you and understands at least some of what hasbeen going on.

When the phone rings, IF you decide to answer it, take a deep breath andbe prepared to say, " I can't talk to you right now." And put the phone down.

H's mother can't be totally blind to his problems, but is biassed towards him. You do not need to speak to her. Herwarped ideas will do you no good. You areallowed to say that you do not wish to speak to her.

Why does H have to leave his mum's?

I wish I could comeandbe your secretary and your rottweiler.

You areactually doing bloody brilliantly.

Really big hugsxxxxxxx

Mits, anger is an entirely appropriate emotion at times. Alcoholics can be monumental pains in the arse. They can be selfish to an astonishing degree, manipulative, abusive, and contradictory. Who wouldn't get pissed off being treated like that? The trick is to use that anger as a positive emotion, a source of energy to spur you on.

When dealing with an alcoholic, life gets immensely more simple if you ignore what they say and, instead, pay attemtion to what they do. He knows that his drinking has caused immense problems in your relationship, yet he continues to drink. He knows that his anger issues when he's been drinking deeply affect DS, yet he continues to drink. It doesn't matter what words he may try to use to excuse that, to deflect blame, to divert attention or otherwise cover it up - his actions really do speak much more loudly.

As to "Why?" The simple answer is "because he's an alcoholic". Alcoholism - any serious drug addiction - plays merry hell with ones priorities, sense of self, sense of responsibility and sense of what is a good idea or not. The "alcoholism is an illness" thing does not absolve his responsibility for his choices and his actions. Neither does it mean that they get to hurt us with impunity, or that they can treat us badly but we'll always go back for more. Their alcoholism is their problem to deal with. Ours is to decide how much we will allow their alcoholism to continue to disrupt our lives.

It's shitty, but it is what it is. Alcoholism fucks people up and causes huge amounts of drama and chaos. When my ex and I were still together I'd get a knot of tension in the pit of my stomach whenever I was heading home. I never knew what would confront me when I opened the door - she might be sober and pleasant, she might be drunk and in a party mood which would quickly turn sour unless I joined in, or she might be drunk and angry. These days, I look forward to getting home as that's where the kids and I can chill out and have fun. It's a nice feeling.

Mits: TBH the simple answer to the why is 'Because he's a knobber.' Yes, alcoholism is an illness, but it's a treatable one. And not all alcoholics are violent and abusive and fuck their kids up - some just drink themselves stupid till they die but don't abuse other people. He might well have been a selfish knobber without the drinnking - certainly right now his mindset is that he matters and no one else does, and theat everyone should be supporting him and worrying about him and indulging him.

Mits love, you are doing really, really well. I'm proud of you

And I think you're wrong about this being the honeymoon period with the kids, I think it really will be much easier long term - in about 6 months you'll be amazed at the difference. Think of these as early glimpses of what life will be like when everything's settled down a bit.

I think this is the worst thing you have to get through, today and the next few weeks, and look at you! You're managing fine. I really mean that, Mits. Given everything that's going on, you couldn't do better. Your anger - in fact the whole emotional rollercoaster - is completely normal, and you're expressing it in appropriate, adult ways.

For today, it sounds like not being at home isn't going to be an option, but I don't really like the idea of you sitting in the house with all the doors locked and bolted all day, either. Is there anyone who can come and spend the day with you, to help if necessary and just be company to get you through it? The same person could answer the phone for you and find out who's calling - mil could always be told you're too distraught to speak to her. Someone suggested calling Women's Aid, they might have other ideas to help you stay in control of the situation. Does anyone know if it's possible to phone the local police (obviously not 999) before something happens, to tell them you're concerned that he might turn up and demand to be let in the house, you don't want him there and SS don't either? You shouldn't have to deal with this alone.

He has to leave his mums because it is impossible to get to and from work from her house. It makes me smile a tiny bit because they are very similar and her views can be somewhat overwhelming and whatever her age she can be very 'intense'.

I might give the customers that actually phone me my new mobile numba, I actually get a signal at home on my new network so that would possibly help.

I don't think it will get to a point where he is trying to get in forcefullly, and I am prepared to help contact his friends to see if any will let hi stay until he has found somewhere. He can do it himself but I would feel more reasssured in my own mind if I was certain he was both safe and temporarily settled. Whatever has happened I have no wish for him to be homeless, tipped over the edge and lost to the DC's completely.

People are being nice and it is cracking me up. Stupid really. Of course they are but it is my downfall at the moment. Perhaps they could all carry wet fish to beat me with instead of bringing me cans of red-bull, kitkats and hugging me.

I am meeting H with DC's somewhere away from home as they want to see him and I have no qualms about their safety normally.

I am ringing AA and womans aid tomorrow, I know I will fall apart and DC's will be safely at school.

Fuck, this is hard.

(50p in the swear pot)

Big hugs xx

of course you don't wish him to be homeless, tipped over th edge etc but you absolutely need to allow him to sort this out for himself.

you need to let him fail. only then will he be able to pick himself back up.

it's upsetting but it is the key to recovery.

with optional wet fish

but I ain't gonna beat you with them.
hugs xx

crap crap day.

Because Daddy was so lovely today it is all my fault that he has left. Two hours of a childs rage and hatred is pretty hard to stomach. However I try to acknowledge where it is coming from.

Daddy has stopped drinking so I should just let him come home and everything will be OK, and H says he saw none of the 'fear' in DS today that he is 'allegedly supposed to have of him'.

And it is my own fault for being in this situation because I have made the choice to not let us be together......

And I have just burst into tears in front of his boss, who came to the front door.

( he and H don't get on) and I assumed he had come to have a go at H for his abscences at the moment and pre-empted by politely asking if he could give H a bit of space to sort things out and he had only come to say the factory wouldn't be open in the morning.

H is being very 'reasonable' and 'rational' and telling people how much he wants to help DS, and everyone thinks he is so laid back.

Arsebuggerywankingfuckingshittycrap.

It doesn't feel at the moment like I will ever have the quiet normal life that I want.

And my DD, apart from messing her bedroom, has asked for nothing, quietly played in her bedroom while my DS raged for two hours , getting her own supper, and is singing to herself. I love my son to pieces, but I want to take her for a day and treat and pamper her, and have a girly tie, because she has no anger in her heart and brings such simple joy.

I feel crap for saying that when DS is in such turmoil, but she really is a special little girl.

DS raged last week, and he is horrible to her, calling her names, sneering at her and mocking her, so I took her to the garden when I had the chance, and as we talked I asked how she felt and what she thought we should do when he talked to her like that (thinking she would say ground him or something) and she said..'perhaps if we took him somewhere nice for the day, he would feel better and not say those things...'

Mits you will have that life. Please believe it.

This stage is a step on the journey towards it, however hard it may seem right now.

YOu're being so strong, and it shows in the way you are dealing with the DC - they way you describe having spoken to DD etc

It will come right in the end.

Much love to you tonight x

Oh Mits {{{{{{{}}}}}}} wish I had a magic wand
But it will come right.

Bless dd...give her a special hug from me. She is so like you.

TMW - it is such early days, everything will be in major turmoil for a while. 2 days off the booze means nothing in terms of your H's situation - he needs to demonstrate that he can stay off it forever and he needs to do it elsewhere.

I suspect your DS fears that it is HIS fault Daddy has left and is transferring his guilt onto you, so that he doesn't feel so bad himself - not a good habit to get into but he's only young, it can be dealt with.
Similarly he is probably very jealous of the fact that his little sis is a good girl and that he can't control himself, hence being nasty to her - an outward expression of his inner guilty feelings.

I don't want to sound like a cod psychologist, and I don't know more than from this thread about your family life, but it might be an idea to get him some counselling to help him deal with his rages and his inner feelings that spark them, so he can learn to understand and control his feelings at this age, when it is technically easier for him to change.

Reinforce to your DS that the reason his daddy has left is entirely his daddy's fault, because he can't control his drinking and it makes everyone sad. And remember it for yourself too!

(((hugs))) - you can do this, it will get better, it just feels like a black pit of despair at the mo but there will be shafts of light (sounds like many of them will come from your DD - she sounds like a treasure - think how much nicer it will be for her to grow up in a calm secure environment too)

You are right TW, I know DD's easy nature draws attention to DS's challenging one just because it is so.

I keep reassuring DS that it is not his fault that Daddy chose to leave but H tells everyone that he will now do anything to get back together as a family and DS hears this and doesn't understand.

I am having it all thrown at me from so many different directions I can't catch all the balls as it were.

DS is supposed to be having counselling, but he sits in the appointments a fairly well adjusted little boy and doesn't trust anyone to really confide in.

He feels disloyal to his Dad.

Who can't control his jealousy after someone was unfaithfull to him over 20 years ago, but can't make the conection that an 11 year old boy is not going to going to be deeply marked by all of this, just because he has one nice afternoon with them after HE WALKED OUT ON THEM.

Somebody beam me up before I explode.

Or kidnap me.

Toot, you have the job as my secretary and rottweiler, but only if you promise to keep the phallic jokes to a minimal...

The grandparents of my DSS's sent me their love....

Phallic jokes? Moi?

{{{{{{{}}}}}}}

TMW - I don't know what words you are using when you tell your DS it isn't his fault - but I want to let you know this point - it is a good idea to try and avoid using negatives, i.e. it is not your fault.
The reason being that the brain isn't any too bright at hearing the word "not" or working out what it means, without first processing the thought that it is not supposed to be doing. So in other words, when you say to someone "Don't fall off that chair" - the first thing they hear/process/understand is "fall off that chair" and then they do the "don't" part (sometimes by then they have fallen off the chair).

So, better to say "the reason your Daddy has left is because of his drinking and the fact that he can't control it" - i.e. give the statement as a positive and leave out anything about it being "not your fault, DS".

Also, and I know this will be hard for you to do, you must try to let go of thinking about what your H is thinking/feeling because it is completely out of your control, and now out of your jursidiction as well. Concentrate on the people who you can help - you, your DS and your DD. He is beyond your help. He can think/say whatever he wants - your job now is to make sure you translate it into Real Life stuff for your DC, so that they understand that Daddy needs help because he isn't well, and he has to get that help because he has made everyone sad for too long.

That is a good idea TW, I proabably am sort of doing that a bit.

Looking back at my relationship with H, a lot of it has been around his feelings, his jealousies and insecurities, how my physical pain make s him feel, how my friends made him feel...

I think sadly this might be as a result of an emotionally manipulative mother (with whom I have a mixed relationship normally), but to be blunt there is sod all I can do about that and DC's are my primary concern.

you may well be right there TMW - and it is now time to break the cycle, as your H is obvioulsy an emotionally manipulative man and your DS is possibly on the brink of going the same way - how great it will be to take him out of that cycle and let him be free and responsible for his emotions!

I know it's early days, but do you feel a small lightening of the emotional load? A lull in the emotional storm? A trough in the emotional rollercoaster? (is that enough metaphors for you? )
I know you have your own feelings of loss and sadness to deal with, and those of your DCn, but at least you don't have to be on eggshells worrying about your H's emotional trials now.

Yes, tonight has really truly been the only problem since he walked out on wednesday. They are generally more co-operative, happier to help me and take care of each other.

Today must have been so confusing for them and I think once he can have access to them on his own, I will plan something nice for them when they come back so the transition from being with Daddy is easier.

We were all emotional and stressed tonight and after 4 such lovely days together I wasn't prepared for one of DS's rages.

And MIL isn't speaking to me at the moment so that is an upside

See? You really are doing brilliantly [awe]