Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'H' Has just walked out.......

224 replies

TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 01/07/2009 21:36

Head in such a mess. DS was going into one of his meltdowns and I have so so much work to do. I wanted H to try and sort it.

But it doesn't work. And DS said 'don't ask him, he has probably been drinking.'

H was trying but his tone was impatient and unsympathetic and was winding DS up.

I pointed it out, I don't know, things started to escalate very quickly, and in frustration i expressed that DS had said he was frightened when he had been drinking...I didn't know H had already had a drink....

He blew up, packed a bag and walked out.

I am such a mess. Trying to accept that my marriage is over and that the man I married slowly disappeared. It is my wedding anniversary on friday, and part of me never wants to see him again and part of me feels so very sad that it is all such a mess.

I can't fall apart but I want to. I don't want to keep things together any more and keep putting sticking plaster on a wound that doesn't want to heal.

I am not sure what to do.

Oh shit........

OP posts:
vacaloca · 03/07/2009 14:35

so emotional blackmail from his mother too? Are they ringing you all the time? I think it might be best to stop answering at least some calls. You need a bit of space to get your head straight and decide what YOU want to happen.

Original poster
TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 03/07/2009 14:41

Yes vacaloca... I can't disconnect the phone as I work from home but will only answer numbas i recognise.

Need to catch my breath and put my face on...customers come to my home so I need to gather my dignity...had a bad shouty mummy moment which makes me feel like a three headed gorgon...

DS's are at home because they wanted to be with me but probably would have been better at school. But will go back to normality on monday.

OP posts:
Snorbs · 03/07/2009 14:59

Mits, Social Services are doing the right thing. They can see how much your ex's problems are affecting DS and I think a bit of space between them will do DS the power of good. I know how crap and scary this is as I had SS involved in my family, too, as a result of my ex's drinking. I had SS tell me that either I took in our children full-time then and there, or they were going into care

It sounds like your ex's mum isn't above a bit of emotional blackmail, either. You don't have to talk to her. At all. Right now, if someone isn't offering you the support and care that you downright need at the moment, you are allowed to just cut them out of your life for a bit.

Take care of yourself.

Original poster
TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 03/07/2009 15:02

Thanks snorbs....

trying not to let the self doubt creep in..

OP posts:
TooTicky · 03/07/2009 15:43

No Self Doubt [stern]

cestlavielife · 03/07/2009 16:00

that is good SS saying that - let there be no doubt in your mind that you doing the right thing.

let SS sort out contact and supervise it or arrange supervision.

they know the dcs are ok with you.

i was in a position where unless i moved out and took the dcs with me (or achieved an injunction to get him to move) , ss might have taken steps . they had a child protection meeting about the situation...(his anger, manipulation, control, aggression etc) , so i do know what you mean.

SS are doing the right thing in pushing you a little in shutting the door to this man while he is like this (on basis alcoholism could be treated and there may be a point in future - long term future - that this position can be reviewed) .

this takes presure off you - you dont have to think any more about letting him in. it is clear -DONT. he can stay with his mother if his mother so wishes...

you ARE doing a good job with dcs and SS can see that.

keep on going, get a normal routine going on with the dcs, start setting up a scheduled weekly or fortnightly contact with their dad if they want that - otherwise just say - no contact for a month (or six weeks or whatever you decide) then see what happens ... and speak to SS.

Original poster
TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 03/07/2009 16:02

tired...sad... Ok toot... (())

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 03/07/2009 16:04

ps agree with snorbs - you have no reason to speak to his mother.

or to him. unless specific questions/arrangements/finances.

stick to: "only answer a text/email if it requires a yes ro no response or a specific query"

dont speak on phone - ask for tesxts or emails only so you have time to think before responding.

meet him with SS present or neutral friend present if you really want to discuss things.

TooTicky · 03/07/2009 16:07

Mits, try and get an early night tonight. And make sure you are eating properly.
xxxxxxx

Fruitysunshine · 03/07/2009 16:12

Mitsubishiwarrioress - I hope my opinion did not come across as simplistic and ignorant, I was just trying to think of a way for you and your kids to get a break was all. I am sorry that you are experiencing this, it is truly awful when your marriage breaks up but I did not have the element of alcoholism associated with it.

I'm thinking of you.

Fruitysunshine

dittany · 03/07/2009 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 03/07/2009 16:17

God, if his brother rings I will eat the poxy phone. (does that count toot?)

Dunno Toot, pretty wired as well, might wangle a baby sitter so I can go for a run. Although it will mean admitting all is not well in the world of Mitsubishi...

OP posts:
SuperBunny · 03/07/2009 17:38

Mits, I have skimmed the thread.

I hope you are coping ok. I wish I could help.

I think it is good that SS have said that - it is the right thing to do, for you and the DC, but it isn't your decision now - H will have to respect what SS say. Perhaps he can take this time to think about things and you and the DC can relax in the knowledge that he isn't going to come bursting in and upset anyone.

(((((hugs)))))

SuperBunny · 03/07/2009 17:39

ps, phones don't count

TooTicky · 03/07/2009 17:40

Mits, the phone is okay if you have at least 2 portions of veg with it.

TooTicky · 03/07/2009 17:41

Hope you can get your run xx worth doing.

mistlethrush · 03/07/2009 22:54

I'm sure that the phone would count as a good proportion of fibre!

What's the problem with getting someone to look after the dcs for you for a few hours while you go for a run on your own? I think that this would be really good - you need some time and space on your own, without having to be 'mummy' at the same time. This is a big change, huge disruption and big impact upon you - some time to yourself, without having to be 'strong' for your children would be a good thing.

I do hope that you and the children have a positive weekend. I hope you go out and do something fun togehter - ideally somehting that is 'different', but even if its just a picnic of what you would have had at home anyway in the local park, doing something like that would probably be a positive thing to do for all of you.

(((TMW))))

TooTicky · 03/07/2009 23:12

Mits, I am really hoping that you areokay.
{{{{{{{}}}}}}} xxxxxxx

Original poster
TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 04/07/2009 09:00

Really really not doing very well...it is now commom knwledge and I am stuggling to talk to people....

H is talking about just coming back because social services say it is an informal agreement not something they can legally enforce.

I don't want it to be like this,

OP posts:
Crap · 04/07/2009 09:11

So sorry. Don't talk to anybody you don't have to just for now, it will get easier.

H mustn't come back.

Would CAB be able to help?

Take care of you {{{{{{{}}}}}}}

P.S. Did you eat the phone?

Crap · 04/07/2009 09:14

SORRY. Ignore name.

SS don't seem to be helping you much, saying he isn't allowed back but that they can't do anything.
Say if I can help by making any phone calls for you.

thumbwitch · 04/07/2009 09:20

Have SS told you that they can't enforce it? Would you feel unsafe if he came back? Cos if so, maybe you could contact Womens Aid to see if they have any advice on how to keep him away - I know if there is serious risk you can get an injunction against him but not sure that it's gone that far for you yet.

Do you WANT him to come back? I know that, in an ideal world, what you would love is for the man you knew before to come back, fall on your neck in a welter of love and apology for his shit behaviour, and assurance that he has changed for good. But it ain't going to be that way, and others who have been in/involved with your kind of situation have said it would be a Bad Thing to have him back, especially with the unacknowledged behaviour issues.

Ignore all busybodies etc. Have you got Caller ID display on your home phone? I think you can buy one fairly cheaply, then you can screen all incoming calls and only answer the ones you want to.

How supportive are your own family being?

(((hugs))) to you anyway

SolidGoldBrass · 04/07/2009 09:26

That's a bit rubbish of SOcial Services. Are you sure that's what they said and not what H said? Tell him that he isn't coming back because, due to his alcoholism and general tiresome behaviour, you DON'T WANT HIM BACK. Tell all callers that you are sick of life with an alcoholic, the relationship is over and you are not going to discuss it any further.
Yes, people will tell you that he needs you, you are so good for him, etc etc. Remember that this has a lot to do with the deeply ingrained cultural idea that men simply matter more than women, that women should 'look after' men, that 'love' means endless servicing. Itls all crap. That link someone posted about how alcoholics get dumped and deserve it was spot on.

blinks · 04/07/2009 10:15

you will let down your children if you let him back.

they need calm and emotional stability.

give your mobile phone to a friend and ask them to pass on anything that is actually necessary.

he knows your weak spots so you need to have a shield of steel (like batfink... am showing my age).

please get in touch with al-anon. they'll offer you support and understanding.

Snorbs · 04/07/2009 11:36

Sadly, I can believe that SS said that. How much power they can bring to bear depends a lot on what SS's current involvement is. If DS is on the Child Protection Register then SS can do quite a lot although, even then, they'll often do the least they can get away with. If it's more a "child in need" rather than "child at risk" thing, however, SS's powers are very limited.

From SS's point of view, DS's situation has improved (as his dad's not there to treat him badly) and DS is being looked after by someone who can be relied upon to put DS's best interests first - Mits. So SS can take a simplistic view of "Don't let him back and everything will be fine".

The biggest stick that SS has to wield here is that if Mits did let her ex come back, SS could very well see Mits as being non-compliant with their wishes and deliberately putting DS at risk. And that's the kind of situation where SS can go to a judge for a care order.

Mits, I think that it would be well worth you having a chat with your Social Worker about precisely what SS is expecting of you and how they think you can stop him returning. And then whatever they recommend, follow it up with a letter to them saying "Thanks for your time on , just to make sure I understood, here's what you said I should do..." That will then go in the records and will cover your butt if they later go back on what they said. With SS, if it's not on paper it didn't happen.

I, too, think Women's Aid will be able to offer a lot of good advice and support right now. Rights of Women will also be able to offer legal advice. Whether he can just waltz back in depends on whether he's on the mortgage or lease for your home. Again, either Women's Aid or Rights of Women can help you come up with an appropriate plan to protect you and the DCs.

All the best.