'H' Has just walked out.......

[TheMitsubishiWarrioress]

Head in such a mess. DS was going into one of his meltdowns and I have so so much work to do. I wanted H to try and sort it.

But it doesn't work. And DS said 'don't ask him, he has probably been drinking.'

H was trying but his tone was impatient and unsympathetic and was winding DS up.

I pointed it out, I don't know, things started to escalate very quickly, and in frustration i expressed that DS had said he was frightened when he had been drinking...I didn't know H had already had a drink....

He blew up, packed a bag and walked out.

I am such a mess. Trying to accept that my marriage is over and that the man I married slowly disappeared. It is my wedding anniversary on friday, and part of me never wants to see him again and part of me feels so very sad that it is all such a mess.

I can't fall apart but I want to. I don't want to keep things together any more and keep putting sticking plaster on a wound that doesn't want to heal.

I am not sure what to do.

Oh shit........

He had threatened to do this, but at what point to I contact his sons?, or if I don't hear from him at all, do I call the police given that he has made implications about taking his own life?

We are supposed to be seeing his mum on saturday (we have kept our marital problems from her as we both felt she was better off not knowing given her health and age...).

Mits did you sleep?
{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}

a little toot, thanks.... just trying to make house nice for when DC's get up, will be on FB in about 15 mins.....((()))

okay xx

MW,

This situation has been going on for a long time and if this hadn't have happened now it would have happened at some point in the future. The slightest thing would have made him walk.

You son commenting on his drinking shows that he has been aware of his dad's drinking for a long time even though you have tried to shield them from it. You didn't break the family unit; he did. BTW his Mother probably has some idea that her son does has a drinking problem. Alcoholism as well also thrives on secrecy, I daresay that not many people know about his drink problem. Someone who chooses to drink too as often as he does has a problem with alcohol and that cannot be ignored.

Your H is not your responsibility ultimately; he has made you think that you should be responsible for him. You're not his enabler and should not act as one. Alcoholism does not only affect the alcoholic but all of those around him and the effects are immense and take their toll over time. For a start everyone treads very carefully around the drinker and tries not to upset them.

His threats are more likely than not to be empty ones; this is just another way of controlling you. These people are very good at manipulation.

Do not sacrifice yourself on the altar of alcoholism; your feelings matter. It has affected you and your children markedly.
Do contact Al-anon as they can help family members of problem drinkers. You need their support as much as anything else.

...thanks.......

Hi Mits

So, so sorry to hear your crap news.

I'm a child of an alcoholic father too - although he was very violent as well (towards my mum, not us).

I know my mum would say contact al-anon - they helped her tremendously.

Thinking of you today.

thanks FB.... sad for people who have been through it..

he has got physical in the past and was supposed to be 'trying'. I wanted him to heal, not for me, but for the DC's and his own dignity and self respect but I can't make his choices for him.

I have to put them first. Will timetable in a personal breakdown when there is time.....

Please do contact al-anon - my mum says they were so, so helpful to her before and after my Dad walked out.

How old are your children?

Morning lovie

What is your plan for today?

I would notify the police but I think an adult has to be missing for 24 hours before they start to do anything.

DS is 11 and DD is 6.

DS has massive emotional problems which I know are linked to his relationship to his dad......although the breakdown of our marriage has partly been due to H's inability to cope with a very challenging child.

H was an amazing Dad to his older sons...it is so sad that my DS rarely sees that side of him....

Mits, just seen this.

Lots of love to yuo (and dcs) and be strong.

Mits, you poor thing. ((()))

I'm going to risk putting my foot in it here, but...

I think (if h gets his act together and contacts you so you know he's okay) this might be for the best. You haven't wanted to live with him for a long time, for lots of very good, understandable reasons. And from what I've read of your previous threads, your ds may well calm down and be easier to handle if he doesn't have to live with his dad.

You've been trying for a long time, maybe it's just time to make the break. I know it's horrible for everyone, but in the long run I feel like your lives (you and the kids) will be better if you're living apart from H.

from what you're saying, this situation has reached a point where action is required.

i would suggest living seperately if he's been physical and is still drinking.

it's obviously having a real impact on your DS already so that should be your priority (not that it's not but he needs to be protected).

i actually blame my mother more now as an adult as she didn't take action to protect us.

it really can create huge problems for children of alcoholics if nothing is done.

I too have just seen this...

I am sorry you are going through this, thinking of you too x

Yes.... you are both right. I can only be responsible for my actions and the DC's, even if H blames me for his actions. (that my rejection is making him the way he is, not that his behaviour has a part in why we are in this mess.). He does blame DS and DS does not need to grow up with that.

Please help me, I know how hard it will be and the next few months are going to be dreadful.

The practical stuff of sorting finances out is as scary as dealing with the children and there feelings..

thank-you...

Oh please Mits, I remember my stepfather blaming my mother for his driving ban because she 'drove him to drink'. It's bollocks. Really it is.

I know there are lots of mners who can help with practical stuff. You can find me on fb all the sodding time too if you want to chat

...xx

I know a grown man can make his own choices, but do I contact the police at all, and at what point?

i can guarantee he's not hurt himself.

don't call the police but do call al-anon.

my dad used to mention suicide quite regularly. it's a way of taking focus off the actual addictive behaviour.

doesn't mean he's a bad person- he needs help.

it's up to HIM to get that help though.

by stopping him from his decline, you are actually preventing him from reaching a point where he might ask for help. it's all classic addict/co-dependent stuff.

you're not alone in this. its very common but people are often too ashamed to admit there's in this situation.

the problem with living with and loving an addict is that gradually over time unacceptable behaviour is accepted. lines become blurry and often you end up in a situation that is out of control. at the moment his addiction and bad behaviour is driving the relationships in your family. you need to take that control back.

if he refuses to accept he needs help (have you thought of an intervention? does he have other family members/friends that could offer you support in reaching out to him? anyone you know have addiction problems?) then that's his decision and you must move forward without him.

Thoughts and Prayers. xx

If he is OK then it is unkind for the DC's not to know that there Daddy is safe.

I do recognise that alcohol problems are complicated and that he is not a 'bad' man, but it is so hard.

Thank-you for your advice blinks, you are helping me see things from outside of the situation...

it's up to him though to let his kids know he's safe.

he's trying to worry you so that your relief that's he's ok will surpass your anger towards his unacceptable behaviour.

put your children's wellbeing before his. i remember being taken along to find my dad. usually he was drunk somewhere.

it's a roller coaster ride being in the same family as an active addict. you have a choice too though.

don't play the game.

i understand completely your worry though. i would feel the same but it's important to be resolute.

tell your DC he's had to go away for a few days with work.

Right now I could tell him how selfish he is because DS had gone into meltdown, I am on my own, he is smashing things and blaming himself for the breakdown of the family. He says he wants to die.

And there is no-one I can call.

Oh Mits

I have no wise words for you but couldn't not post. There's a lot of good advice here, his behaviour is down to him and him alone and unfortunately for all of you, until he accepts that and gets help, there isn't much you can do.

Sending gin a hug x