'H' Has just walked out.......

[TheMitsubishiWarrioress]

Head in such a mess. DS was going into one of his meltdowns and I have so so much work to do. I wanted H to try and sort it.

But it doesn't work. And DS said 'don't ask him, he has probably been drinking.'

H was trying but his tone was impatient and unsympathetic and was winding DS up.

I pointed it out, I don't know, things started to escalate very quickly, and in frustration i expressed that DS had said he was frightened when he had been drinking...I didn't know H had already had a drink....

He blew up, packed a bag and walked out.

I am such a mess. Trying to accept that my marriage is over and that the man I married slowly disappeared. It is my wedding anniversary on friday, and part of me never wants to see him again and part of me feels so very sad that it is all such a mess.

I can't fall apart but I want to. I don't want to keep things together any more and keep putting sticking plaster on a wound that doesn't want to heal.

I am not sure what to do.

Oh shit........

so for you TMW - small steps are often accompanied by small backward slides, honestly - it can feel rather like your life is a snakes and ladders board (no prizes for guessing who the biggest snake is!)

Can you change the house phone number as well and go ex-directory? And have you a new mobile now, that he doesn't have the number for? You probably need to keep the old mobile for contact at a later date, when he isn't behaving like a manipulative wanker.

At least it shows you (and hopefully his mum etc. too) that his promises are empty ones, that he can't change this quick and that there is no going back - and although that is hard in itself, it is better to get the pain out the way as quickly as possible rather than having little bits all the time. Rather like waxing - you have to rip the hairs out in one movement - hurts like a bastard when you do it but the relief comes quicker than if you try and peel it off slowly (I have done this, OMG, don't ever do it!)

Remember - tomorrow is another day - another day closer to feeling better about everything (despite the ups and downs that you will experience before you get there).

Another tip - when you are feeling at your lowest ebb, and absolutely shite, SMILE at yourself in the mirror. It's bizarre but it does actually make you feel better - seeing yourself looking haggard and miserable just makes you feel worse; and smiling broadly hits some endorphin release points in the cheeks, which makes you feel a bit happier. EVERY day, smile at yourself the first time you look in the mirror.

(((((((hugs)))))))) to you all.

I feel small and lonely and hurting and crap, this is shit.

Will have to do the smiling thing in the morning, sort of struggling at the moment.

Oh Mits{{{{{{{}}}}}}}
take care of you
very big hugs
xxxxxxx

go and hug something then - really - even if it's a pillow. Or the duvet. Or wake a child up. It IS shit, it really is - but you can and will get through it and you will be the winner in the end because you will know that you can do anything.

It's like that Eleanor Roosevelt saying - women are like teabags - we don't know our true strength until we get into hot water.

The longer you are in it, the stronger you become.

Oh god, I am so fed up of being strong.

I am tired, but can't sleep,

People keep saying how amazingly 'strong' I am being and keeping things together and I just feel like I am doggedly keeping going.

perhaps the word is starting to grate? Doggedly keeping going is a strength (sorry)in itself - there are people who lie down and give in to it.

Please be proud of what you are achieving - while you feel everything is so shit for you, every little positive has merit, so denying it as a positive is counterproductive.

When I was in the throes of my breakup I managed to read the entire Agatha Christie collection (not for ideas!) which helped me to sleep.

If you can't sleep because you have thoughts whirling all the time in your brain then I suggest you write them down - and as you are writing, visualise the words coming out of your brain onto the paper (thus emptying your brain). Once they have all gone from brain to paper, burn the paper. Might sound nuts but it does help.

Oh, TW I know, and I have to recognise the times of day when I lose sight of the positives.

Thank-you, I am going to try and get some sleep now. He is coming at the weeken to pick up some stuff, and it looked like it was going to be done amicably, but now it looks like it is very definately not, and I am very very bad at confrontation.

can you get someone in to be with you when he comes? It will derail him from being vile to you, and will give you a bit of moral support. A friend or relative, maybe? And, I would suggest that if possible you gather the things he wants to pick up together and put them in one room, or in the hallway so that he need only spend the minimum time with you. Put them in an open box so he can see that everything he wants is there (and still whole!)

Night lovey - I promise it will get better, just keep believing it and remember to smile at yourself in the morning!

Mits, I am really sorry about this morning. The connection went and it took ages to get it back. Sorry.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Mits, I'm so sorry this is all so hard. You really are wonderful. I am sure that, more than anything, DS needs you. All the support and the help in the world cannot replace a loving and stable parent. And I speak as someone who has worked with some severely emotionally disturbed children. I wonder if you can ask for a different person to see DS - the unprofessional thing is not helpful for any of you.

I'm leaving soon so don't know when I'll be back but I am thinking of you.

I spoke to someone in depth today SB, she seemed unsurprised by my concerns and I think I would like to deal with a woman if possible.

I don't know, I don't have 'man' issues but feel a bit wary.

Big hugs for you SB, and thank-you for thinking of me. I hope things go as smoothly as possible and maybe by the time we meet we will both be in better places......(((((())))) xx

My mum and dad came over to treat me and dc's and give me some TLC, which was unexpected as they are not prone to spontaneous parental outbursts!! Lol..

My Dad loves H to pieces and is deeply troubled by the situation. He doesn't feel able to 'intervene' between husband and wife, which is a far cry from my standing with the outlaws......

DSS2 has offered to have DC's for a weekend so that would be a break, the stretched emotions are exhausting.

People are being lovely but it is harrowing as people start to asks questions , I feel like running away with DC's sometimes.

{{{{{{{Mits}}}}}}}
run here!!

Create a set of stock answers, TMW, that can be applied to most general questions. If they go beyond that, smile and shake your head.

If someone asks you how you are with that commiseratory side-tilt to the head, ask them which answer they would like, the short polite fib or the long detailed truth (I found this worked brilliantly - only the people who were genuinely interested in my wellbeing asked for the long complicated version )

Your Dad is right - it is an impossible situation for him to get involved in and he shouldn't even attempt it. Perhaps he wouldn't love your H so much if he knew exactly how badly you have been treated? Have you told them the naked truth? You should, so that they can support you properly in full knowledge of what you have had to deal with.

I know that sometimes you just want to shut the door on the world - occasionally, it is a good thing to do and I would take advantage of the time you have to yourself when your DSS2 takes the DC to literally close the door and ignore everyone and everything.
Whilst protracted wallowing is a bad thing, short bursts of wallowing and allowing full expression of your grief can be highly beneficial - after a while you get fed up with yourself anyway (and run out of tissues) and then you feel marginally better and ready to keep going again.

((((((hugs))))))

Mits, I am thinking of you today {{{{{}}}}}xx

Hey Mits, just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. Good luck today.

And doggedly keeping going is strong, that's why people keep saying it.

Thanks for your support and thoughts, again.

Am on an emotional roller coaster but I suppose at least it is now my own and not someone elses drink fuelled one.

Feel like a warrioress one minute and a mewling kitten the next.

My in-laws are very low down on my christmas card list, I think they think this is a soap opera and keep winding him up to exploding point. My mum and dad helped him a bit in the end and I was proud of their humanity.

Glad I am not at the epicentre of a drink fuelled exixtance any more but I will always be sad that good people are hijacked by the fucking stuff. I have seen so many lives screwed up by it, I have some real issues with alcohol at the moment.

Maybe I need to deal some justice to a 6-pack with DS's baseball bat..... Or get a punch bag in the design of a 'tinny'. Will make it to kick-boxing if I have to tow DC's beds along with me lol......

Glad your mum and dad helped, that is great.

Would like a pic if you do tow the dcs...

Big hugs to the warrioress and the kitten xx

checking in TMW - how are you, how was the rest of your weekend?

TBH.. it was a complete disaster and as the saying goes....it is being so cheerful that keeps me going.....

Hugs Toot, I am an emotional walking time bomb at the moment and sort of fighting to keep things together....

Am virtually bald again..which is both and liberating, although I dunno why . Can't decide what to have pierced at the moment..my brain I think.

Hugs.

NOT your brain! Fingernail? Sleeve? Eyebrows can be troublesome.

I don't know why I am reading this but am 1 year down the line.

Such a sad week, would have been my wedding anniversary on Saturday. I think I am doing OK and then I feel like I am balancing on a knife edge.. Is that normal?

Is there a timetable to getting through it all and ever feeling like a proper normal person again?

Bits of me are better, stronger, coping, not scared anymore and bits of me are still overwhelmed, tired, fragile and lonely.

Would like some time out from life just to 'be'. Not to worry and juggle and keeping getting splinters of the past lodged and having to sort them before they fester. When does that stop?

Just a bad week for me.. so much more positive for the DC's now..no shouting, no eggshells, more laughter, no hiding in corners, lots and lots of love, a chance to just be kids,

Was looking for the list of what I wanted from life..maybe I need to do a new one.

The accepted timetable is a month's healing for every year you were in the relationship. Guess that means you have a while to go yet, but it won't all be grim by any means.

It must be tiring, but how great to hear your children are flourishing.

Yes, time for a new list. Time to look forward. Life's going to be good.

Thanks...what is it about anniversaries? They are just another day. So why does it matter so much that this week was bad last year.

Don't think I'm quite up to timetable.

I feel really really shit at the moment. A year is such a long time and maybe I figured I'd be somewhere different to this now.

Still treading water financialy,

No time to do anything/everything, it can be pretty overwhelming.

Bugger it I am miserable and feeling sorry for myself big time.

Miserable Bastard.

Aww...

[ninja hug]