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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Very sad now!

181 replies

ChgdnoM · 07/06/2009 07:33

I made the decision to stay with my husband and try to get our marriage to work for the sake of our children. Having been honest about all the issues ie. DH's treatment of me, and the fact that, despite being careful I developed feelings for someone else. I am no longer in any kind of contact with OM, but have been so weepy, down etc. I am very unhappy and have gone right back to the way I felt before I met OM. A few years ago we lost a baby, and I feel almost as bad now, as if there is no point going on except for the children. How can I sustain this?

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 07/06/2009 07:49

is your h still treating you badly? Did he find out about om?

You sound very low and probably have depression - has something triggered these feelings recently - and why you are comparing it to the loss of your baby?

Sorry for the questions but it is hard to understand without a bit more info.

EightiesChick · 07/06/2009 08:35

Can you go and see a counsellor to talk some of this through? It sounds like a lot has happened to you that you have not really come to terms with.

Original poster
ChgdnoM · 07/06/2009 15:55

DH knows about OM. We, well I have always been very honest, not liking deceit in relationships. I still feel really unhappy and would like to have some time out to sort out my feelings etc. I feel he's crowding me. I am willing for us to see a counsellor because I am struggling to articulate my feelings. I don't want to hurt DH but really feel as if I'm dying inside.

OP posts:
dittany · 07/06/2009 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ChgdnoM · 07/06/2009 19:05

He's spent the last 10 years telling me I'm a bad wife and mother, running up debts which I have to sort out. Does no planning, financial or otherwise, has taken out credit card again after i paid off about 30k of debt and begged with an ultimatum for him not to. Sulks for the least thing and seems to enjoy making me cry so he can then comfort me. Has told me he sometimes regrets marrying me and that I'd better be good to him, or . . . And smacks the kids rather than discussing behaviour with them. And used to flirt with women and put me down in public, or not stick up for me if someone else did. We don't go out socially so much now. That's most of it.

OP posts:
drlove8 · 07/06/2009 19:26

thats just awful . why dont you pack a bag and leave the miserable sod. its obvious he is making you feel so down.... you and the kids would be better rid of him TBH .Firstly get yourself a legal seperation, so any of the debt he runs up , you wont be liable for.

Original poster
ChgdnoM · 07/06/2009 20:43

Don't know where 2 go. Or I'd have gone long time ago.

OP posts:
dittany · 07/06/2009 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarGirl · 07/06/2009 21:01

Please move on unless you can tell me that he does have some redeeming features?

drlove8 · 07/06/2009 22:01

is there a womans aid you can go to?

drlove8 · 07/06/2009 22:19

right Chgdnom ive bumped this thread for you on the one for starsandstripes.

theDreadPirateRoberts · 07/06/2009 22:25

Why have you decided to stay with him?

Original poster
ChgdnoM · 08/06/2009 09:46

Because we have 4 kids and I don't want to disrupt their lives. And At the moment I have no means to support myself. I may contact woman's aid.

OP posts:
theDreadPirateRoberts · 08/06/2009 10:55

Do talk to WA. There's loads of support out there for you, and you really don't have anything to lose.

And don't worry about upsetting your children - this kind of disruption can be the very best thing you do for them, if it means that they now grow up with a proper role model for respectful, loving behaviour

EightiesChick · 08/06/2009 19:47

I would go and see a counsellor alone first, rather than with your (not so)DH. That way you address your own unhappiness and think about what you want, which I think is what you need most right now.

Agree with above advice too.

Dalrymps · 09/06/2009 08:20

His behaviour sounds totally unacceptable. Surely staying with him is sending a bad message to your children, thats it's ok to be with someone who treats you like that?

I agree you should call WA, it's a first step and you can go from there, it's never too late to start living the life you want.

I'll be back later on, I had some very strong red wine last night and am feeling the after effects now (it was only one glass!), anyway, I don't feel like i'm making much sense so i'll come back when i'm more coherent!

Hang in there, were all here, it will get better!

drlove8 · 09/06/2009 13:26

how are you today?

Original poster
ChgdnoM · 09/06/2009 14:07

Still sad. He's invited friends up to "talk" with us and I'm dreading it! But I've realised I can just get into a car and drive. I have some family.

OP posts:
drlove8 · 09/06/2009 14:12

thats a good idea.... go and do something for you.

Hinchy · 09/06/2009 14:23

Hi

He sounds just like my husband who I will be divorced from hopefully by Christmas, I am losing everything, but if it means for my DD & I to have a normal happy life so be it. You don't need to put up with this - life is too short I have realised there are ways and means around everything. Take Carex

TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 09/06/2009 14:25

I have to just come and say you have my absolute sympathy, and you are not in any way alone in this. With different details I am in a similar place as you and struggling to get to a better place, because when you need to be strong, you have the least strength to make and act-on, the kind of decisions that you need to.

It is hard, and the one thing that helps me make each tiny step forward is the thought that I don't want to be in this situation, in another year or so's time.

I can even relate to the feelings for someone else , and can only offer you a ((())) on this one, if you will accept it.

Try and get all the help you need, from here, the doctors, womens aid..surround yourself with it and draw strength from other people.
Try and focus on the fact that apart form your DC's YOU deserve a better life. YOU deserve to be happy, whether on your own, or someway down the line with someone else. But surely, even better to be alone with DC.s than miserable and demoralised in your current situation.

Take care....

drlove8 · 10/06/2009 12:03

How are you today ChdgnoM ? what happened with the "visitors" ? Did you manage to get away for a bit? hope your ok x

Dalrymps · 10/06/2009 21:17

Just popping in to see how you're doing today ChdgnoM?

Original poster
ChgdnoM · 11/06/2009 22:18

The visitors were ok, told me marriage is full me ups and downs and to try. Offered to have the DC's so we could have time on our own. Am still here and still weepy and feel like I'm losing marbles a lot of the time. Am getting quite paranoid about unrelated stuff, and having trouble eating and sleeping. Have contacted relate. When I told DH and how much it cost he said. "How much? !" I told him it was cheaper than a divorce. He took his credit card back off me and has spent some more on it. And he expects everything to suddenly become ok, and he is blaming this on OM, who I am no longer in touch with and who I never met in a "relationship" capacity. This is really hard for me.

OP posts:
Dalrymps · 11/06/2009 22:45

Aww ChgdnoM, well I doubt it will just 'suddenly become ok' as he expects .

If he won't do relate is it worth you seeing a counsellor yourself just to try and help you work through some of this? Not suggesting any of this is your fault but some counselling might help you see things more clearly and become stronger. You could be refered through the doc (quite a wait I think, 4 months for me) or go private, most people charge about £35-£50 a session, some offer a free initial consultation.

If he's not willing to try to help the relationship he must be selfish and just want the easy route. Look after yourself.x