Very sad now!

[ChgdnoM]

I made the decision to stay with my husband and try to get our marriage to work for the sake of our children. Having been honest about all the issues ie. DH's treatment of me, and the fact that, despite being careful I developed feelings for someone else. I am no longer in any kind of contact with OM, but have been so weepy, down etc. I am very unhappy and have gone right back to the way I felt before I met OM. A few years ago we lost a baby, and I feel almost as bad now, as if there is no point going on except for the children. How can I sustain this?

[ladylush]

What a creep this man is. Yuk
Makes me feel very angry and I've never even met him.
That sleep deprivation would seriously piss me off. I'd be tempted to shove his alarm clock where the sun don't shine.

[ChgdnoM]

Rofl ladylush. I have often been tempted to throw his electronic gadgets across the room or out the window, but never thought of that one. I once threw his mobile phone into a flower bed because he took it upon himself to throw out some stuff that i'd put into a black bag for transportation and wouldn't listen when I kept saying it wasn't rubbish.

[ChgdnoM]

H has now found and read thread

[Dalrymps]

Oh has he, well tell him from me he is a contol freak and he should do the right thing and stop making you unhappy and leave!!!

[ChgdnoM]

[drlove8]

u ok Chgdnom? .

[ChgdnoM]

No. Have had a good day apart from this. Feel quite depressed. He keeps asking what he can do and saying he doesn't want to control, he just wants to know what I'm thinking. that's ok then. . . .

[theDreadPirateRoberts]

Hello Mr ChgdnoM

So, What's your reasoning?

Why do you do this? Read your wife's diary, read her threads etc? Do you truly want to be a better husband? Or are you just up for more subtle ways to make her feel like shit? Honest question.

[Louby1983]

Oh bugger, sounds like a right pickle my sweet.
You've took the first step in admitting there is a problem & identifying the cause. The next step (due to his lordship being a nosey bleeder) of addressing the problem has now happened.
So even though you feel like u cant see the wood for the tress, wheels have been put into motion.
Im going to be hypocritical by saying this (and am trying to work through the same kind of problem myself) - dont stay with him for the 'sake of' the kids. Do it because u want a successful relationship with him and u want to move forward together as a couple.

Even if u arent arguing in front of the little ones, they pick up on feelings.

If mummy & daddy arent happy, it will rub off onto them & how is that any good 'for their sake' if u c wot i mean???
Mummy & daddy can still be good parents & be apart from one another, maybe even better parents as they wont be upsetting each other & making each other miserable.

If u choose it, there is always a way forward or a way out & there are plenty of places out there that offer free advice.

If you feel that the present situation is making u feel depressed & councilling might help but cant afford the normal route, go to your gp who will be able to point u in the right direction.
Also, see what government run schemes are in your local area. Where I live, they have 'sure starts' & 'home starts' who offer all sorts of facilities & free advice for families.
There is also access to free solicitors via your local citizens advice beareau which u will be able to find online.
Dont get trapped due to lack of finances hunny, there is always a way.

[Undone]

I am cngdmoms husband. I am now well aware of how I am perceived and that's fine. Over the past 10 years my dw have had normal ups and downs and yes serious ones to. As strange as it might seem to some, yes I do love my wife and children.
4 weeks ago when dw told me the extent of her feelings I was shellshocked. I never realised how bad things had got. I never realised I was this much of a pig. I can't quite understand how I could have missed the signals. You see, I have had 3-4 weeks to think about this and try to discuss with dw the actual details with her.
I teach. I was told the news just before half term and over it dw and I tried to spend time discussing things through but that was difficult as dw's cousin was with us for a few days, I believe that was helpful. From what I have read and when we chat I can see now why she is reluctant to talk to me about things. However, I am at times quite an insecure person and I need to understand what dw is feeling. I know and now truly understand what I have been a contributor to, some would say the only one. Fair enough but to a certain extent disagree. As dw was shutting down on me and I do want to make things mew I had to find out information and this is why I had to read her journal. I am not proud of it, but I want to save this marriage if I can. I know what I have been like up to this point but like anything, knowledge brings understanding and that brings solutions.
As far as I am concerned, yes money is my very weak point. I know that and I intend to get financial counselling. Dw is the financial person and no I am not passing the buck. I took out a loan when it was the wrong thing to do. I panicked about our financial situation, made a rash decision and lived to regret it. I have had a number of credit cards in the past and not gone stupid with it but used it for small things as well as family needs such as food shopping when money was short elsewhere. It was always the intention of dw and I to pay the money straight back onto the card from our joint account; the main account was short until I got paid. In the end, the next months bills meant it could not be done and so I decided without, wrongly or rightly with dw. The cc has also been used by dw through me to purchase things from other places as well. Dw took out a loan in her name recently to pay something off which needed paying by the next day. I had asked dw to look at a loan to pay off this and my credit card which was in debt to the tune of £2000. I never intended for my wife to take on the loan but I guess she had to be able to pay off the debt by the next day. In fact, no debt has ever been in her name but either joint or in my name only. Always, the money came from my wages to monthly pay them off.

[Undone]

Some may say I have been a control freak. Sometimes I have taken control and made the decisions, at times they have not been the right ones I admit. That's the benefit of hindsight. Since dw has been working she has had her own accounts. Her money was used to bolster the home finances but all her wages and child benefit went to her accounts. Always have done. I tried to ask for the money to be our joint account but due to the way her accounts worked she had to keep it in credit and so this could not happen. I left it but once in a while I did bring it up again. Allows both of us to see what is in the account. I am not a mad spender and do not raid the family account. I might have spent £50-£100 in a month for things but not always. In fact, the cc allowed me to get things so I could spread the cost and not really affect our monthly outgoings. Jnfortunately, credit cards sneak up on you and build up slowly. A bit like a frog being cooked just warm enough to stop it jumping out. At work, I am head of dept and in that I am always busy, never stop. I usually only took 10-15mins for lunch as lots of things to do. When money was tight I took on extra lunch duties, 3 in fact which meant I would have to push work into other times.
My dw started work a few years back in the evenings. The reason I encouraged this, and no I did not force it. Was because I believed we needed to because of the money but also because I felt that it would be good for dw. I did not do it for anything manipulative. Dw worked p/t in the evenings for a bit but had to leave home about 4ish. I sometimes now do not leave work until 6pm and when dw started I think this was the same. I am often one of the last teachers to leave work. Anyway, I think this was 3 evenings a week so I had to rush off home. I was stressed with the work I had to leave until another time and then I had to rush off to look after the children. When I was in my previous school I was almost hounded out by my head of dept as we did not get on after I made a comment about something. I had to get union support and my hod's complaints about me were expunged. This was also a hard time as dw and I around that time lost our 4th baby at term. Our baby died the day before she was due as she had her cord around her neck and as she descended she died. I still weep and visit her grave every now and again. I am sitting next to my 5th child who is a miracle for us, just don't tell her. She is a stroppy 3yr old. On that work issue was done I left that school for another one. I am now at the end of my 3rd year there and have been hod for 2yrs now. I work hard there and all too often work at home for an extra 2to 3hrs. There is lots to do but in he first few years at this school I would often not go to bed until 1am. There were many occasions when I knew dw was a light sleeper and so I would sleep downstairs. Many times dw would say I should not sleepdownstairs as she did not like it and I might be hurting my back. In the last year we have had an x-box and to defocus on work I would play it; sometimes for too long as I would play on xbox live. As far as my recent phone, yes I have a new one which is an iPhone. It is my alarm clock and so was the phone before it. Sometimes I have gone to bed early as that day I have been particularly knackered and as I still have work that needs doing I have to get up early. When I went downstairs to sleep as I did not want to wake dw up she has said on occasions to sleep upstairs but as soon as the alarm went off I would get up. Like a lot of people I am sure you would set up a backup alarm. From the day before I would be so tired that all I did was snooze the alarm and fall back to sleep. Not on purpose but I was so tired. The second alarm was then for 10 to 30mins later. I did not do it on purpose. As far as alarms at 2am etc, my iPhone links to my home email and up until recently did not know that it collected the emails every hour with a beep. Once I was told I then researched how to deal with this and did so with a day.

[Undone]

Regarding the dutiful and submissive comments. My wife vowed to me to love, honour and obey. I vowed to love, honour and cherish. I know I did not keep my side all the time and in many ways misunderstood the terms. When I said d and s I was saying that wife had kept her vows and had been d and s. I was not demeaning my wife but saying to her in a roundabout way that she was very much my better half. She is more beautiful, intelligent, talented and outgoing than I. I can't change that nor would I want to.
I feel there is another area that I need to defend myself in. I have not spent the entire 10years of our marriage putting dw down and saying she is crap. Before we moved into this house we lived in a small 2-3 bed flat with 6of us. Our previous landlord had a heart condition and was selling his houses which he let out. We only had short notice so we had a month or so to leave and found this flat. It was small but we only planned to live there for a few months. Dw was 8 months pregnant with the dc baby who died 1 month later. We stayed there for 4 years approx. The Childrens room was often full of damp and living there was stressful. We had no counselling to take us through this bereavement. I would often get stressed with work, remembering baby Marion's death, and with the shame that I could not get us out of it. I would get stressed when I went home as often the kids had turned it into a disaster zone. There was no place to find peace and quiet. Time for us or me. Dw was having a bad time there as she was being told by certain people that she was not a good singer or musician. I used to say to dw that she should tell this person to f off and show them how good she was. She didn't want to do that. I used to go to church, hear this person sing and felt like taking the mic from her and say you are shit. I felt like saying to dw she should take her place. What made it worse was that this person worked in the church office which was in the flat beneath us. We both always wondered whether we were being gossiped about. I did get cross at home as well and I did sadly direct it at dw on that laundry could be left for days and not be dealt with. With 6 of us that is quite a lot of laundry! I felt that as dw was home during the week it could be done. I was harsh at times and that was wrong but that's what happened. I helped at home on the weekends but felt that I should not have to do what I felt was everything. I fails to appreciate how much mess Is generated by a family our size.
That was a year ago and sadly but also thankfully we now have our own house in both our names. Sadly because it required dw's grandmother's will to allow us to afford it. I feel ashamed of that. My wages pay the mortgage. Dw worked a few days in the week and a Saturday morning. When dw changed from evenings where she had a good team group to days to where she inherited a bloody awful manager dw became aware of her managers "style" and approach. Dw became miserable after a few months. On many occasions I had said to dw that she should tackle her manager head on. I had asked her if she was a union member and if not wad there one. Based on my prior experience of w/place bullying the unions often are a force for good. Dw did not join but got more miserable. I should have just said leave if you feel unhappy but I did not want her to quit without a fight. I believe people can change but need to know what they are doing before they know how to! In the end, dw has quit a
nd in her final work interview with work to discuss leaving she told her manager how she felt about things. I took her in to do this.
The other time when recently she did not get supported properly by me was with our doctor. I get on fine with him but he does not listen to her. I do not know why. Dw had an infection and this was
making her life difficult. He was signing dw off work for depression instead of the other ailments she had. Her work also gave her grief as they did not believe her explanations for time away. In fact dw was off for a few days before the reason on the sicknote became apparent. She contested the reasons but he did not act on things for a while.
I am not perfect but I do care. I am saddened that all of this happened and I have said to dw that I would do anything to get this resolved. There are times when we do not communicate effectively and we need to do more things together especially things like financial planning. Under our law for those overseas, babysitters have to be 14. Our eldest is now 14 so we ask her to now babysit for us. She does this for us and we both are grateful. Dw can explore her music and I can join her as she performs in front of people live. She is talented. I like to go the cinema or meals out but money being short dw is not so keen. Besides she does not like the cinema so much. She did last time though! Not so long ago.
Regarding my ed. When her paternal grandmother (pgm) first contacted us to regain contact her reason was that one elderly member of the family was I'll and he wanted to see her just in case. I was angry at that. Ed's bio dad had deserted dw and ed before ed was born. He had said to dw that he did not want to be involved. This left dw alone to fend for ed. Even dw's parents had advised dw badly! Dw had cared for ed and we met when she was 3. I love ed very much but will not tolerate too much teenage stroppiness! From 3 to 14 I have loved ed as my own. When pgm was trying to gain contact through dw's mother dw had to instruct her mother to not pass out our contact details. We both got annoyed when pgm started sending cards through the post on birthdays and Christmas. We both discussed the issue and both agreed that we would leave it to when ed was older and could make the decision for hersel. We wanted ed to be able to choose.
I am not a bad man. I love my wife dearly and my children are precious to us both. I can accept I have done things wrong and sometimes repeated the same mistake twice. I want us to get help and I proposed the idea because we are a good family. I know i have lost focus at times but I want to build anew and not again. I want my wife to have her independance and a sense of personal pride and self esteem. If I am called a person who is "non supportive" then I see that as unfair. I do not agree with everything my wife says and that does mean I will say I can't support the action. However, it does not mean she is not free to act. I have never laid a finger on my wife in anger. I have had the edge of a door slammed in my head and I think a fork thrown at my face!! The only time I have slapped my wife was on her arse as I walked past or her leg when we were side by side in the car and she said something funny but personal. Much like what she has done when she has pinched/squeezed my arse a number of times in our kitchen but a few months ago. I do not want to split up dw, not one little bit. I want to work things out. I will reply to most questions asked so if you feel you have a statement or question to make please fire away.

[ChgdnoM]

Thanks everyone. I shall ask H if he wants 2 go on.

[ChgdnoM]

Obviously added that post before I read the previous spiele

[Dalrymps]

Oh ChgdnoM, he thinks of an answer for everything doesn't he. Only you live this life with him and you know how things really are. The important bit is, if you are not happy then something needs to be done about that. I feel very still that your H has invaded your privacy in this way, there is NO excuse for Mr chgdnoM!

We're still here for you chgdnoM

[ChgdnoM]

I am so about all of this. I just want to get on with my life. I have had enough.

[Dalrymps]

Well said dittany.

chgdnoM - Don't let your self absorbed, abusive, manipulative H rob you of the one place you have found support.

Keep on posting, we are all here for you, how dare he try and take over your thread with his ridiculous 'justifications' of his dispicable behaviour.

He can read all this of he likes, my advice to you is to carry on as if he never found the thread, sod him, you will get on with your life, you will move on, he cannot stop you by stealing your privacy.

We are all staying here, we're going nowhere!

[Undone]

Dittany

I remember once discussing with dw about obey and said to her that I did not want her to obey me but work with me.
As far as other things I have made my wife do you will have to help me know what it is. I am not trying to make excuses. However, for you to be able to label me anything you would need to know everything about both sides. You do not.

[Dalrymps]

Undone - Please leave, this is not your thread, it was started by your wife. It is not a place for you to type your endless spiel about the kind of person you are. It doesn't matter what you say, it matters how you have made your wife feel.

We don't want your 'version' of events. You have severly invaded your wifes privacy. She is a person in her own right and deserves to be respected as such. What you are doing right now is abusive. It is overbearing, controlling ans invasive. You are obvioulsy scared to death your wife will find the strength to end this situation which is making her so unhappy. That is why to feel the need to try and brainwash all the people who are supporting her too. Do the decent thing for once and go away, thanks.

[Undone]

Dalrymps, I am not trying to take over any thread or will ever try and stop my wife from doing anything. My wife has always been free but up until now, 10 years later did I realise that she was not so because of fear. I think the one thing you forget is that there are two sides to any story. You do not need permission to advise my wife from me only her. But I would say that in some things you might make the wrong judge
ment.

[Dalrymps]

I am not asking your permission thank you very much. Your wife has not been free, you know that very well. I do not forget there are two sides, i am just not interested in your side as this is not the place for you to put it across. As I said before, this is chgdnoMs thread, not yours. You constantly contradict yourself by the way, actions speak louder than words 'I am not trying to take over any thread' Good! So leave then!