Very sad now!

[ChgdnoM]

I made the decision to stay with my husband and try to get our marriage to work for the sake of our children. Having been honest about all the issues ie. DH's treatment of me, and the fact that, despite being careful I developed feelings for someone else. I am no longer in any kind of contact with OM, but have been so weepy, down etc. I am very unhappy and have gone right back to the way I felt before I met OM. A few years ago we lost a baby, and I feel almost as bad now, as if there is no point going on except for the children. How can I sustain this?

[theDreadPirateRoberts]

How about this - change your posting name, mail me with the new one on thedreadpirateofmn at googlemail dot com, then I'll change my name and follow you to a new thread where you can post in peace?

[ChgdnoM]

Went to WA today. H at home and said he knew where I was going and he'd looked it all up and did he need to go for a solicitor. I suspect he's still looking at this thread. The meeting was positive and have suggested to H that if he's serious about change that if goes for counselling. Got a tight lipped response.

[ChgdnoM]

Thanks. I hope your brain is ok. We live in the small bit of a largeish town.
H has switched from talking about "the marriage" and has started saying he loves me, he wants me, he wants us to work. He wants me to talk to him and pull him up if his behaviour is unacceptable.
I would love to get the books, but guess what, we can't afford it atm!!! Are skint until payday. I hate this. H has said he is going to CAB to try to get debt counselling to help with his money problem and that he wants us to get a book and write down everything that we spend in it (have tried this before). Must say i do feel better having discussed OM and H says that the ignoring / shaking his head at me and burning rubber is because he is in a funk because I turned him down. H also says that if he ever sees him he will have to hold himself back he says OM was trying to steal me and that he's a predator. I think he just likes screwing with heads actually.
I have a gig (my first one) in a couple of days.....

[theDreadPirateRoberts]

Thinking, and hoping, that talking to WA tomorrow will do you the world of good. You haven't had much being believed and taken seriously recently have you?

Sorry for short posts - brain slightly exploding today

[theDreadPirateRoberts]

Whereabouts are you? What size place? I'm just astonished at your 'friend'. How much do you value the people in your close circle? Do you feel that they'll be there for you at all?

[ChgdnoM]

No it's WA tomr and sol on weds. He has been given time of work due to emotional stress and so is going to be home possibly the rest of this week and next week. Using it so we can "have time together."

Today I went out for lunch with a friend and during the conversation OM came up (as a subject not literally). Because we were all part of the same class, and she wondered why we weren't meeting up etc. I was quite discrete and then a song (coz yes it was singing) that OM and I used to sing together a lot came on over the speakers and I basically went to pieces and had to leave rather quickly.

I was still feeling low when I went to pick up the kids from school, and when my friend suggested that i try some antidepressants, I said it felt more like grieving and not depression. she then started laying into me saying "what grieving over OM!" and when I told her not to be harsh. She started having a real go at me, saying she couldn't cope with me saying she's spent all weekend crying because she was worried about me and she never knew what to say to me because I was paranoid and I wasn't to talk to her about DH or OM. Bearing in mind that DH was in the playground with me at the time and I was on the verge of tears anyway. She holds that DH is wonderful and I should be grateful that he's still with me etc. The ironic thing is that I was getting stressed out before because I felt OM and I were getting too close and was worried that if anything happened between us, one consequence would be that I'd lose all my friends, it seems that it's happening anyway. I have not been able to tell her about DH, and also she has started being odd with me since I contacted WA and so on because I have not said who I was seeing , just that I had an appointment.
Spoke to DH about OM because so much of that situation has still been eating away at me. Feel better having got it off my chest, but still going ahead with appointments. Went to see another friend and she suggested mind mapping the problems in our marriage, and actually that has really helped. We are talking more today, although I am still guarded. It does just look like a map of problems at the moment.
Like you said, a week of being nice doesn't suddenly change 10 years of wearing down, he has been nice for short periods before. Also he told be that a work colleage (female) had texted him that she was there to talk if he needed to and finished the text with a "x". Whatever!

[theDreadPirateRoberts]

And how long have you been working on the relationship with no support from him? Less than a week of recent 'niceness' doesn't balance up very well does it...

Solicitor tomorrow iirc? Good luck

xx

[drlove8]

How are you feeling today Chdgnom? , hope you have had the sleep you need. x

[ChgdnoM]

It's the whole thing of trying to make it work. I'm going to have to sleep on it.

[drlove8]

Chgdnom the thing to remember is that you deserve to be happy!Listen to your inner voice , its there for a reason. hope you have a peaceful night xxx

[Dalrymps]

I understand what you mean about feeling trapped... Being somewhere you wish you weren't against your will is bound to make you feel that way. You want to feel content? Happy? At peace? Equal? Listened to? Is this what you mean?

[ChgdnoM]

H had to get me to do it in the end. [sighs!] He keeps asking me to try and make it work. Today I met a friend of mine who had always complained about her dh and that they didn't function as a family. I asked her how things were and she said that they were finally, after 20 years, getting on well and then she added under her breath, that he would probably go off with someone else now. Later I saw that he had come to join her and they were walking around together, with their youngest child.

Whenever DH talks about trying to make it work I start crying. I can't even begin to articulate how I feel or what the "little voice" is really saying. I just feel trapped. It's just the whole love thing, and belonging and partnership. At the moment I'm stuck somewhere and I need the thing that is sticking to become unstuck. Am I talking rubbish or does anyone understand what I mean?

[Dalrymps]

Lol! And so he should! What grown man wouldn't trim their own beard?!

Glad you are feeling hopeful today . I'm sure you can point out many things that are incorrect about his spiel(s) but I totally understand you not having the energy or inclination. Don't worry though, you don't have to 'convince' us, we can well imagine and are on your side anyway

Remember, you know the truth, you know how your situation makes you feel. We all have a little voice inside of us and it's usually right so it's very important to listen to it!

[ChgdnoM]

H is a bit tight lipped, he is having to trim his own beard!!!

[ChgdnoM]

I am hopeful today. I don't know why, but hope is burning in my chest. I have read through the 3 essays that H has posted and can point out quite a few recalibrations, shall we say, but I don't know if I have either the energy or the inclination. The £50-100 overspend on the credit card does not take into account cash withdrawn from atm's, or debit card usage. Oh, really can't get embroiled in it. I think he's still reading the thread even though he's not posting on it. Just because of the comments he's making.

[Dalrymps]

Well done! Thats great!

It doesn't have to be grind and effort. Any marriage is hard work but the work is supposed to be spread equally and done voluntarily. It is possible to have that!

[ChgdnoM]

Dalyr that sounds lovely but I can't see it. It has always been grind and effort for me. I guess things have to change.

[ChgdnoM]

I won my section in the talent competition! I was shaking like a leaf and am still in shock. I have had so much negative input about my singing over the years, and yet I just kept on because I couldn't hold it in. I'm chuffed. . The rest of the evening was fun too, a night out with good mates. Have to make sure I drink lots of water now to counteract the rum and cokes. Yes I know! But only 2.

[Dalrymps]

I take it that's what you want? It's not unachievable, quite normal infact. You can have that and more.

How did your night go?

[ChgdnoM]

Romantic suprises, doing chores together and making happy plans. Best friend. Oh please.

[Dalrymps]

Have a great time out. I'm sure you feel clearer in your head about what you need to do after today. Keep us updated x