Very sad now!

[ChgdnoM]

I made the decision to stay with my husband and try to get our marriage to work for the sake of our children. Having been honest about all the issues ie. DH's treatment of me, and the fact that, despite being careful I developed feelings for someone else. I am no longer in any kind of contact with OM, but have been so weepy, down etc. I am very unhappy and have gone right back to the way I felt before I met OM. A few years ago we lost a baby, and I feel almost as bad now, as if there is no point going on except for the children. How can I sustain this?

[theDreadPirateRoberts]

Have a look at the article linked to on here?

[Jux]

Oh please leave him. You have no real life where you are and you need to go off with your kids and have another fab time with them, and be yourself. Please please, this man has no respect for you and he doesn't intend to have any either. Please go.

[ChgdnoM]

hi dpr and thanks,

Gp is booked for 2 weeks, but may try to bring it forward.

I saw OM today, not deliberately, i happened to be parked waiting for dd to go to playgroup, but it was in a different place today and he drove past. Looked straight at me, shook he head and drove off really fast. I think he's a piece of work himself, he told me while we were friends that he'd had "trouble with stalkers" before. His behaviour really upset me because I have no intention of trying to see him, but we don't exactly live in London and he doesn't live that far from me.

This morning I was upset and DH kept doing the hugging thing, and I had to eventually tell him to stop and that I didn't think I loved him. He gave me a long speech about loving me and how we've got children and he's made mistakes. He does these "speeches" too and they really really piss me off because they sound good but nothing actually changes, maybe he should go into politics? . I again pointed out our financial position and moderate level of disfunction as symptoms that things weren't right but agreed to try relate. He had a shower and cried so loudly through it that all the dcs could hear and came to ask me what was wrong with Dad.

I felt bad but I really can't go on like this and I get really annoyed when he says that all our choices have been joint decisions (like my dd not having contact with her biol dad's family, or us moving a lot or my job situation (that's another whole story in itself)). I have got to the stage where I decide just to go for something and then tell him later, or nothing would get done. I want to ask him to try to get some counselling for himself.

I would like it to work and for us to be happy and function well together, but at the moment I am so unhappy and we so don't function and although he earns a lot of money, we struggle to provide basic stuff, the kids need clothes etc.

He spends money on computer stuff, dvd's board games. Crap basically. I have told him in no uncertain terms that if he ever buys me flowers again . . . . The credit card is in his sole name, mortagage joint and s**t, I just realised I took out a loan to clear his card and some large bills in my name. Bugger!

[theDreadPirateRoberts]

Bugger! Phone the CAB and see what you can do to limit further spending on his behalf? Any steps you can take with banks and card companies to stop him taking further loans out?

[SolidGoldBrass]

Oh he is thoroughly abusive and manipulative. Remember he doesn;t think you are a person at all, he will make all these promises to shut you up ('because women whine, dont they, and a real man knows that you just gotta get the balance right between saying 'I love you' and calling her a stupid cunt' and then tuen out the whining.)

He isn;t going to change. He doesn't want to change because he doesen't see why he should. He is Man, He has Cock and therefore it is your destiny to service him.
Please take steps to get yourself and DC away, life will be so much better.

(Oh, and the OM unfortunately sounds like another one of the same type who has enjoyed playing with you but doesn;t actually have any respect for you either.)

[ladylush]

It is -convenient- for your h to stay with you. That is no basis for a relationship. You are a skivvy to him, who bails him out of financial problems. Yet he earns a lot and gives you nothing. Take whatever integrity you have left and make a new life for yourself..........please.

[ladylush]

sorry - convenient

[ChgdnoM]

Dh has rung me twice today to ask if I'm ok and tell me what time he's coming back from work and apologise because he can't get in earlier. He used to come home and then just sit outside in the car for ages and ages before he came in. Or park up somewhere before he got home and I'd be just left dealing with the kids feeling like our home was so horrible that he didn't want to come in.
.
it's raining, there's washing out

[ChgdnoM]

The thing about OM was we were in a group that met up as part of a hobby. We used to text relating to the hobby, but he was quite intense, wanting to meet up as much as possible, skipping work etc. There was one occasion where he texted me in a way that I felt was inappropriate and I told him immediately. He apologised and said I'd got the wrong end of the stick. I then realised that my feelings were becoming a bit stronger than they should, I tried to stop our 'get togethers', but he wanted to know why, so I told him. He then said he had 'feelings' for me, if I were single he 'wouldn't hesitate to be with me' and also if I 'got myself on my own' we could be together. He also said I should try to save my marriage. And all the time this conversation was going he kept looking deep into my eyes etc. (I'd always avoided eye contact with him previously because I just don't do prolonged eye contact with men). I told him he was not making things easy. Nothing happened except a hug to say bye. (A 'friend' hug)
I told him later that I thought the right thing to do was to work on my marriage. Since then he has ignored me if I've bumped into him in public, and implied that I am stalking him. I am really angry about that, because I have tried to do the right thing in all this, yet I end up hurt and in a bit of a mess because I realise that I don't love DH and have lots to sort out.
I don't condone affairs and believe in monogamy and one partner for life as far as possible.

[drlove8]

ChgdonoM , he's not really an OM , then is he? .... sounds like it was just a friendship that stoped before it went any further.Perhaps you needed that friendship as a distraction from all the abuse you have at home.RE the "stalking" - dont worry its just your ex-friend being a twunt because he didnt get in your knickers.His ego cant handle rejection. . But if you look at it another way - someone found you attractive and wanted you , so what your H is saying is proven to be a load of bollox. If you really were " useless/stupid/ whatever putdown H is saying today ,then no-one would look twice ( for any reason).

[SolidGoldBrass]

Hmm, the OM is definitely a shit, too, I'm afraid. Some people have a kind of radar for the unhappy and vulnerable and like to play around with them to feed their own pathetic egos. SO this bloke chases a married woman, makes her all sorts of vague promises, and gets a massive stiffy when he realises that he is having an effect on her (but of course he won't do anything about it, far more fun to upset her and mess with her head...)
When you've got rid of your useless, nasty H, maybe it's time to do some work on your self esteem and confidence so you don't go on to another loser/predator/cocklodger. Men are not more important than women and no one should ever feel that they ought to be grateful to a partner just for being there...

[expatinscotland]

Applauds solidgold .

[ChgdnoM]

Yes I think you've probably got it in 1 there solid. He is a headf**k of the highest order. However, I did feel very strongly and am quite peed off with myself and him, because I was trying to be helpful and he acted as if it was all innocent and above board.
Even fed me a line about being lonely and not being able to talk to people about stuff and how he'd shown me things that he'd never shown anyone. etc etc. When I asked him why he'd basically fed me all that crap he texted me 'I can't help you, stop contacting me' Arse! Yes so quite angry about that. I returned all the stuff he'd given me via a mutual friend, but felt like chucking it through his window! But wouldn't do that because twould only feed his ego and I'm not, contrary to popular belief, a nutcase.

[Jux]

Maybe you would consider counselling for yourself regardless of what you do about your marriage now. If you stay with him, counselling will help you sort yourself out and will do wonders for your confidence; it may actually change your marriage, turn it around. As your confidence grows you will become stronger and be more effective in dealing with your h, and better able to get what you need and he will respect you more.

[ladylush]

I think counselling for yourself would be good also, but I have severe doubts that it would mend your marriage. I think the more your self-esteem improves and the more you start to "wake up" as it were, the less reason you will find to stay with this man. Importantly, counselling will hopefully mean that you will figure out why you seem to attract manipulative men and hopefully break the pattern.

[ChgdnoM]

DH has come home and done loads to help, including fixing on a new loo seat, which he bought weeks ago and just left leaning against the sink. The only thing is he keeps winking at me in a suggestive way and it's turning my stomach. I agree to the counselling suggestion, may try with Gp first, but if I have to will pay. I told DH I wanted him to take the loan in his name. He said "but I'll pay it" then I said"but It's in my name and it's your debt" then thought, not the smartest move. He appeared to be considering my remarks. . . Aaaargh!

[theDreadPirateRoberts]

It strikes me that you're between a rock and a hard place atm. If you're honest with him about what you need from him, you give him more ammunition to mess with your head. However if you're not, then he continues believing that everything in his world is lovely, and the problem's with you.

It's clear that you've got a lot of personal integrity, so I think for yourself you need to continue to be honest. That way, you can look at yourself in the mirror and know that you've done everything you can to resolve things. However, I'm also sensing that you've started hardening up in yourself - you're no longer willing to accept his version of reality, and have realised that these are not problems of your making.

So it can go one of two ways - he can realise that you are in fact the rock, and he needs to change, or you can realise that you don't need this twunt man in you and your DCs' life. So keep on keeping on, and see what happens. Come and talk to us when you need to, talk to the GP, get some counselling, talk to your eldest's family, tell the truth about his behaviour to his church friends. You'll make it to the other side - honest

[drlove8]

Dread you rock!

[ChgdnoM]

Woman's aid was very good. dh is still being nice, coming home early, doing stuff with the kids, talking about finances. I'm feeling bad because I have a solicitor's appointment next week and am going to do a course in September set up by woman's aid, while being relatively amicable with DH. I'm fine as long as he doesn't try to be too touchy or kiss me or be sexual in any way. Then I feel sick or like crying. I have to get through this.

[Jux]

Do you think he's weaselling his way back into your good books because he's worried you're getting out of hand over your eldest? He needs to reassert his control?

[theDreadPirateRoberts]

Don't feel bad about seeing the solicitor or taking the course - these are things that you need to do for your self-respect and protection. Neither of them mean that you actually have to leave - just that you'll know where you stand, and have the options which should be open to everyone.

Re the touching - buy yourself some time? Just say that you're not comfortable being physical atm, while there's so much to work on between you two. Tell him he has to re-establish your trust - don't give a timescale - just say that without trust you can't relax? And repeat, and repeat...

xx

[ChgdnoM]

The thing that's hard is that so many people think he's such a "nice guy". Recently we were out together and because I was talking to other people, he started talk-flirting with another woman. I wasn't bothered (was talking to OM at the time) so after about 20 minutes DH sidled over to me and kept grabbing my hand etc, and the woman he'd been chatting up followed him and hung around next to us trying to talk to him again! When I relayed this story to my friend, she said "he is allowed to talk to other women" - a church friend - and I have no problem with talking, but there's talking and talking, and it shows how he comes across as a great guy, while I just come across as neurotic. If it had just been small talk, why was this woman following him around like a puppy? Also I am sick of people dismissing what I say. I have one person here plus a family member who have actually understood where I'm coming from and believed me.

[theDreadPirateRoberts]

Just keep on being honest - don't show them that you're wound up by what they're saying. Keep your dignity and they'll have to change their minds sooner or later

[ChgdnoM]

I am feeling so low at the moment, it's really hard to know what the right thing to do is. I have asked him to go (several times recently, but not today, yesterday was the last time I think) and each time he just says 'I'm not going anywhere.' Once a couple of years ago when I asked him to go and he refused I tried to physically push him out but he's so much bigger and stronger than me that it was almost comedy, other than DC 3 crying loudly in the background.

[drlove8]

is it your house? are you the tennent/owner? if so pick up the phone and ask the police to remove him.