Very sad now!

[ChgdnoM]

I made the decision to stay with my husband and try to get our marriage to work for the sake of our children. Having been honest about all the issues ie. DH's treatment of me, and the fact that, despite being careful I developed feelings for someone else. I am no longer in any kind of contact with OM, but have been so weepy, down etc. I am very unhappy and have gone right back to the way I felt before I met OM. A few years ago we lost a baby, and I feel almost as bad now, as if there is no point going on except for the children. How can I sustain this?

[drlove8]

Undone , your obviously intellegent, that much we can see. But you are just using that to justify the fact that you have made your DW very very unhappy.If you had listened to your wife instead of yourself ,this wouldnt have happened. I think your actually a mysoginistic pig, no decent man would expect " obey " in the wedding vows, that harks back to the dark ages IMO. You should have "cherised" instead.(in more ways than one) Also you have no right to dictate/comment on whether your dsc has contact with her fathers family.It is not your place to decide, who are you to "allow" dsc's grandmother contact or not.. Get a grip of yourself.

[drlove8]

Undone - Also reading Chgdnom's thread is an invasion of her privacy, it is unacceptable, controling manipulative behaviour.Do you put her phone calls on loud speaker too ?Perhaps you tell her what to wear and what to cook everyday , ever find yourself telling her that she's not doing something "right"? . OH I BET YOU DO !

[Louby1983]

I've gotta say I can see this one from both sides, as undone rightly said, there are always two sides to every story.
Fair cop to him for takin the time to write his essay, however it may across to some.

If he didnt give a shit, he wudnt have bothered doing that. Yes, it cud have been becus he was frightened of loosing her - but the only reason for that would be becus he cared.
Think about it, if u were the kind of bloke who had so far displayed pretty selfish behaviour stressed to the max with an unhappy wife & house full of kids to come home to every night - wudnt u rather b shot of it & just do ur thing by paying the csa & havin ur space on the xbox? alot less stressfull (in a blokes mind).

Having said that,undone, I do think that ur wife has come on here to get a bit of space, speak to people who arent involved to get a fresh spin on the matter & to help to work things out in her own mind.
She is gonna feel crowded & prohibited as to what she can say if she feels that u are lookin ova her shoulder.
Give her the space she needs to work out wot she wants as a resolve to the situation as the poor thing sounds in a right mess and doesnt know which way to turn at the mo.

Let this be her choice, if u really care, back off & if u want, start ur own thread if u want people to listen to you.
The people on this thread are here to listen to her & are so far all in her corner so im sorry to say - u will never get the response u are lookin for on this thread.

[Undone]

The obey bit. Actually my wife chose to say it. That was nothing to do with me. We chose to use the older vows!
As far as deciding when my daughter should see her bio dad I have every right to be involved in the process. My wife and I discussed it together and the decision we took together was that we should wait until ed was old enough to think about it and decide for herself. It is no good saying to me now that in ones heart the decision wasn't liked. It should have been discussed more then! If it was that much of a disliked decision then it should have been argued against.

[Louby1983]

undone, start ur own thread. no matter what u say on here, u r just gonna keep gettin shot down here in flames, there r a lot of angry ladies on here!

I know u want to get things off ur chest & feel like u r bein attacked from all angles at the mo - start ur own thread & u might actually find some people on here who will want to listen. I say again - ur neva gonna get the response u want on this thread, no matter how justified or rational u feel ur answers may be.

if u want to really get this sorted, u both need to be sat face to face with a professional mediator rather than tryin to see what every bugger else on here thinks. this is ur marraige - not ours, its not gonna get settled on here is it? i thort u were a clever man?

[drlove8]

yes , But you do realise that your dw is so put upon by you that she'd just go along with what you want for a "quiet life".You have pickled tha poor girls head , she's been hurting from losing the baby(even years later the pain never leaves) and you havent given her the support that she needs. So what exactly are you prepared to do to save your marriage and help her?

[Undone]

I know a lot of people are here for my wife but there is a difference between an objective and emotional response. My wife and I have agreed to counselling so I am hoping that there is hope. I love her and would dearly love to sort things out. Time will tell. I did not come here to interfere but to allow the more objective to help my wife with fair advice regardless of the path she is to choose. I am here for my wife. I am ashamed of the past. How can I not be. I will not comment again as you are right, my wife needs space. I want to build something new, not rebuild the old.

[QuintessentialShadow]

You've got to ask yourself Undone, WHY do you want to save this marriage. Why do you not want your wife to be happy and free without you? WHY do you insist on finding ways to explain and justify your behaviour towards her? You are manipulating not just the past but how she feals.

OP Bear in mind that councelling has as objective to get both parties to SHARE responsibility for their relationship getting off track. Do you really want to take some of the blame when clearly your husbands abusive and controlling behaviour is the reason? Councelling is NOT advisable in an abuse situation, please bear that in mind.

I urge you, for your sanity, happiness and wellbeing to listen to YOURSELF, and years of threads here ( I suspect at least) and continue on track you staked out for yourself with regards to legal help, and talk to WA. You owe it to yourself and your kids.

Jesus is warmth, love, respect and belonging. Your husband is so far removed from the Christian ideal of a partnership between man and woman, that you should not let your marriage wovs stand in your way.

[Undone]

Star
only in light of credit cards.

Dittany
I agree in terms of any bullying.

[Louby1983]

where's mrs undone gone???? i thort this was her thread.
undone, u agreed that ur poor wife needs space & that u werent gonna comment again, yet u just cudnt resist that last one cud u?!!! sunshine - u really aint doin urself no favours, now bugger off!

[SwingingfromChandeliers]

Clearly he has taken control over the thread too. Like he wants to control her fealings, her emotions, her thoughts, her life.

[Louby1983]

c wot i mean undone? look at the above comment - ur makin urself look even more stupid!!!

mrs undone - come & stay wiv me hunny! Im really startin to be swayed as opposed to beinimpartial now & its by his lordships own doing! He doesnt listen does he?!!

[ChgdnoM]

For a short time I saw what it was like, however misguided and whatever twisted and manipulative motives were behind it, to have someone think about how I might be feeling and try to do something to help. For a short time I saw what it was like to do something for someone not because I was scared of the reaction if I didn't, or because I felt I ought to, but because I cared and wanted to. Its called love not duty. It flows out naturally it does not seek its own end. It never fails. It endures. For a short time I glimpsed a snippet and I am no longer prepared to settle for less. Sorry! It's love. It has to be otherwise it's nothing, echoes and clamourings that die away to emptiness. NO! I am out shopping. I have had to sit down while the others shop because I have nauseating, dizzy-making back and abdo pains. Whatever I had before has come back. Have taken painkillers and I think they are starting to kick in.

[Louby1983]

welcome back lady!
looks like ur workin things out in ur own head now hunny, good for u.
look after urself & take care with the back & abdo pain. get urself in a nice hot bath when u get home & then put ur feet up.
where abouts are u? just wondered if u were near me & eva needed a chat & a cuppa???

[Dalrymps]

Are you ok chdgnoM? Please stay with us, we're here for you! You deserve more than this, much much more.

[QuintessentialShadow]

Stay and talk. Dont let him take this away from you. How are you fealing? Hows the pain?

[Dalrymps]

chgdnoM?

[drlove8]

Chdgnom hope your not getting that awful urine infection again.So glad to here you have had some time out ( even if it is just shopping), you need to keep doing things for you!.If you want to go to the counceling then go for it, but it has to be what you want.Or if you want a fresh start on your own then either way you'll get loads of support here.

[drlove8]

• btw i stil think your h is a twunt!

[warthog]

ChgdnoM, you sound so composed and strong. please keep going, come back for support if you need it.

sounds like you've turned the corner now, and things will never go back to what they were because you won't let them.

all the best.

[ChgdnoM]

Hi the pain is better thanks. We are out this evening. I'm singing then off to a friends party. No alcohol for me though, I've had far too much, been drowning sorrows a bit, 1 or 2 a night, not getting drunk, but it adds up doesn't it. H has spoken to kids in the park, apparently they were crying about that.