Very sad now!

[ChgdnoM]

I made the decision to stay with my husband and try to get our marriage to work for the sake of our children. Having been honest about all the issues ie. DH's treatment of me, and the fact that, despite being careful I developed feelings for someone else. I am no longer in any kind of contact with OM, but have been so weepy, down etc. I am very unhappy and have gone right back to the way I felt before I met OM. A few years ago we lost a baby, and I feel almost as bad now, as if there is no point going on except for the children. How can I sustain this?

[ChgdnoM]

Can I do that if he's not being physically violent, if there's no row, I've just said go and he's said no? Own house.

[drlove8]

i think so, especially if you feel threatened, or frightened he could get violent.

[theDreadPirateRoberts]

Talk about it with WA. Are both your names on the deeds/mortgage?

If however he grabs you at all, or tries to force you into anything, then you can phone the police for assault.

And talk, talk, talk about it in RL. Stop covering up for him!

[ChgdnoM]

I have just tried to tidy through the paperwork and found a whole pile of unopened bills addressed to him. When I opened one I found it was an acceptance letter for a credit card with an £8000 limit!! And this was the end of April. WHAT THE HELL! I am so angry now because he has just completely ignored me and he obviously doesn't care about our finances or "the kids" which is the arguement he comes up with for us staying together. FFS!!!!!!
I don't feel I can do this, I think I'll go crazy if he doesn't get the F**k out. Sorry for the language, I am really really upset.

[drlove8]

Chgdnom you have to leave this twunt!(or get him out) he's reckless, if you go you will have a chance of keeping a roof over your dc's heads... if you stay you'll be paying his bills forever!Go to a solicitor and get a legal seperation so you wont be liable for his debts
Next you need to remove him from your home, and tell lots of people what he's up to, why you cant put up with him any more.

[Jux]

Oh what a twat of a man. Hie thee to a solicitor now.

[ladylush]

What more reason do you need to leave this man? None that I can see.

[MaryfromBrum]

Lots of good advice is been given out - and I hope acted upon.

Especially "YOU deserve to be happy, whether on your own, or someway down the line with someone else."

[ChgdnoM]

DH being very nice and doing my head in. has written out a long spiele now about how he's been a bad husband and how wonderful I am and how no one taught him how to do it properly. I am actually able to be pleasant to him as long as he doesn't try to get too close. He came up to me and said "I haven't supported your music have I" and I said "Actually you haven't supported anything." then put my pleasant face back on again. I spoke to him about the credit card, but didn't rant about it, because I have gone past that now. He said the bank offered him a 0% deal and he took it because he wanted to transfer the balance over and pay it off quickly, then they never sent him the card. I said actually the did, they sent it at the end of april and it's on the table. He looked on the table, saw the card - in about 20 small pieces. and said oh good you cut it up.
I'm waiting to see the solicitor on Wednesday. I am going to be starting a new career in September (good income) and the childcare is sorted. I just hope I manage to keep calm until tues / weds. Thank you for all your support. I have yet to speak to my eldest's family but am locating all documents etc. I will keep updating

[theDreadPirateRoberts]

Well done you for keeping it together. When the 'nice' switch is on it's all so much harder... but you'll get there

xx

[ChgdnoM]

The thing is, I think he can sense that if The nice switch goes off, he will be OUT. This morning ds said "there isn't any cereal" I said "yes there is, there's muesli, you can have that " and he answered, in a really derogatory tone "I'm not eating that". I'm afraid I lost it and started crying. Dh took him to the side and spoke to him, and then came in and said "That's my fault, I'm sorry". Also first thing this morning, he came in and said "I've been reading the bible this morning and I'm sorry"
Unfortunately, I can take so much and then the switch is flipped and I'm done. The switch has been flipped. I'm very sad because when I got married, I wanted it to last a lifetime.

[ChgdnoM]

I have just read his spiele about needing a miracle and time and wanting to change etc. I feel so trapped!

[Dalrymps]

You're not trapped ChgdnoM! His 'nice' bahaviour is just as manupulative as his 'bad' behaviour. ie he is just acting the way he has to to get the response/result he wants.

You don't have to out up with any of this. What is it you want?

[theDreadPirateRoberts]

ChgdnoM - just remember, you aren't the one that broke the marriage vow - how much love and honour has he given you lately/ever?

[ChgdnoM]

I don't want to be miserable for another 20-30 years. He sent me a card saying don't forget we're married and have another 50 years together and my heart sank. That was the end of april. I've told him I'm unhappy and I've told him to go and he won't. :-(

[theDreadPirateRoberts]

When's the solicitor? Next week? Chin up - you can do it

xx

[Dalrymps]

You can do this! It's about your happiness, stay strong!

[ChgdnoM]

Yes solicitors wed, WA again on tues. tonight I was knackered and was asked /told to put the dc's to bed. Then he came out with "and when are you going to nitcomb dd3's hair?" and then youngest took ages and ages to get to sleep, and when she finally did I was knackered and dropped off, only to have H come in and sit really heavily on the bed and wake me up, saying "I want us to talk" I said "I'm really knackered and I'd just got to sleep" and he went off, only to come back when I was dozing off again, get into bed leaving dc4 still in bed and start whispering something so that I couldn't hear what he was saying but knew he was saying something. When I said "What?" he said "I want to talk" and I explained. "I'm knackered, Ihave to be up at 5.00 in the morning to do a job and then I have an important career appointment later on in the morning and I need to get the paperwork together for that." But of course now he has thoroughly woken me up and he's asleep. He said he wanted to talk about dd1 seeing her "family" and about us going to relate. I don't like to think that he deliberately goes about to sleep deprive me but it just happens too often and after 10+ years surely you know whether your dw is a light sleeper or not. He used to set his alarm for 4.00 in the morning and leave it on the snooze button, but not get up himself and leave it going off, so I was thoroughly woken up. Also he got a new phone and he had, until recently, set it to go off at about 2 or 3 am on the hour and give a three tone blip that would wake me up as well. I'm really tired now and feel as if I'm getting ill again. For ages(like 2+months) I had back and abdominal pains and I would tell him and he'd say "you're ok" until one day I woke up and couldn't stop weeing. Had a urine infection that took 2 lots of antibiotics to clear up. Sometimes I feel like he'd like me to die, so that he can get a proper wife. Honestly!

[theDreadPirateRoberts]

Deliberate sleep deprivation is not uncommon in domestic abuse - it disorientates you, makes you less able to stand up for yourself... I'm so sorry you're going through this...

Good luck for the important career appointment, and get yourself to the docs with a urine sample - if you think you're going down with the same sort of thing (and you're under so much stress it's not surprising your health's suffering) then maybe you can head it off before it gets that bad?

Have to go to bed myself now - shattered but had to finish something. Hope you sleep better now. BTW - have you tried chamomile and spearmint teabags? Twinings do them, and they work a charm for me as the smell/taste of chamomile makes me nauseous, but the spearmint covers it so well I can drink it and get the lovely sleepiness that chamomile's good for. Just a thought.

Sweet dreams

xx

[drlove8]

Chdgnom how are you today? i hope you had a good nights sleep last night, and that your feeling less exhausted. . just keep strong until you can get to your appointment with the solicitor, its not long now , just a few more days!

[ChgdnoM]

Careers appointment went very well. They know about the domestic situation and are very sympathetic but also still very keen to have me train with them, so that was really nice. They said it would give me something to focus on and I do feel tons better having done that. Also saw OM (he didn't see me this time) and didn't cry so that's progress. The job would mean I wasn't financially dependent any more, the only thing that has kept me here actually.

[ChgdnoM]

Just another thing, in H's spiele he wrote he thought I was a dutiful and submissive wife. FFS! What about being happy. Does that phrase make anyone else's blood boil?

[drlove8]

wow Chg , thats great news about the careers appt. It can only be a good thing tbh, so go for it! . Dutiful and submisive wife ? that makes my skin crawl ... i do hate that phrase too.

[Dalrymps]

Is he saying that dutiful and submisive is a good thing??? If so he is seriously mistaken. Either way, yes, it does make my blood boil. No wife should have to be either of those things. We are not here to serve men, we are equals and deserve to be treat with respect!

Glad the career appointment went so well, it will do you the world of good and looks like it will be your ticket to freedom too!

[Jux]

Submissive? Dutiful? WTF? This works both ways. You can only be submissive to someone who takes you seriously, is determined to make you happy in the ways that actually do make you happy (and not in the ways that he thinks should make you happy). Does he do that? No he does not. He is failing in his duty to you in his own terms let alone in every other way.

Can't wait for you to get him out. He deserves no better. Well done over OM too.

You poor thing.