Very sad now!

[ChgdnoM]

I made the decision to stay with my husband and try to get our marriage to work for the sake of our children. Having been honest about all the issues ie. DH's treatment of me, and the fact that, despite being careful I developed feelings for someone else. I am no longer in any kind of contact with OM, but have been so weepy, down etc. I am very unhappy and have gone right back to the way I felt before I met OM. A few years ago we lost a baby, and I feel almost as bad now, as if there is no point going on except for the children. How can I sustain this?

[theDreadPirateRoberts]

ChgdnoM - were these visitors family or church? Because this sounds like more controlling on his part. Have you phoned WA yet?

Also, take a look at this thread and see if it helps make things clearer in your head?

[SolidGoldBrass]

What a tosser he must be, roping in his wanky mates to tell you to shut up and suck his dick you ungrateful bitch, etc.

It is not remotely surprising you developed feelings for someone else. The OM must have actually treated you like a human being. Even if OM is actually an unreliable flake or married to someone else or something, women with abusive partners (and your partner is abusive) often fall helplessly in love with the first man they encounter who doesn't treat them like a domestic appliance with a sex orifice on it. Or a punchbag.
You can leave him. You don't owe him loyalty or domestic service or sex just because he's a man. If the relationship is to work, he has to start understanding that you are just as important as he is and unfortunatley that's usually a too big ask for men like this.

[ChgdnoM]

Thanks dpr. That was a great link and yes they were church friends. How did you guess? I am finding it hard not seeing OM, WILL NOT contact him because I want my marriage to be sorted out. Will try women's aid. Thanks for the number. Have rung the samaritans at least a couple of occasions during our marriage. Is this normal? Especially when I started to realise he did the "let's make her cry and then give her a hug so I can be the big comforter" thing. And so refused to cry in front of him and instead would go to bed on the sofa then cry when he was asleep. Also he sent a hug to a female colleague because she was in a bad way, and couldn't understand when I said I thought it was inappropriate. I said "hope you are ok" would be far better, and not his job to take care of workmates outside of the working environment. He couldn't see this at all.

[ChgdnoM]

Is there a name for that by the way? Reducing someone to tears and then comforting them as if it wasn't you who'd actually upset then in the first place? It feels like it ought to have a name.

[ladylush]

Yes it's emotional abuse. This guy sounds like a right piece of work. I would get rid. Are you trying to save the marriage because of your faith or values? Or because you love him and think he can change?

[theDreadPirateRoberts]

Does your faith permit the abuse of children? Because if he's bringing them up to believe that what he does to you is acceptable, then he is abusing them too...

[ChgdnoM]

I've contacted woman's aid. They were really good and I have an appointment next tuesday. I can't talk to anyone else in rl about this because he is such a "good man". He goes to work, comes home and doesn't hit me. Although he has pinched me, flicked me hard and smacked me very hard on the bum in the past.
Also I am really struggling mentally at the moment, but one thing woman's aid said to me was that I can tell my GP about the situation at home.
Am I staying because I love him, not sure if I ever did, it was just that he was wanting to settle down at the same time and it was church etc.
No, abuse of children is not ok, and I am fighting an uphill battle trying to get my son not to put down his sisters following his dad's example. Also DH has told the girls that they mustn't wind their brother up because when he is older and stronger, he will be able to hit them really hard - almost sanctioning it.
After the "friends" came I started to feel much worse again. AS if I was stumbling about in a fog, but speaking to woman's aid has made things start to come into focus again. It's just the whole thing of all the people I know in rl (apart from a close family member) telling me what a good man he is and how fortunate I am to have him. This makes me feel even more as if there is something wrong with me. Thanks so much for your support and direction, I will let you know how things develop.

[theDreadPirateRoberts]

Oh brilliant! Just speaking to people who understand what you've been going through can help so much. He's spent years messing with your head and it takes a while to get your confidence back, but it will happen. You'll probably find too that you start to become less anxious in general - Starsnstripes hasn't had any agoraphobic/anxiety attacks since she left her H, even though she's had so much to contend with, because he really was the source of her problems. That could be you someday!

[ChgdnoM]

Also oldest dc is not his and her other family have wanted to have contact with her for years but he has refused to let it happen saying they are "strangers". I have been very afraid to go against this even though if it was up to me I would have let it happen. Today I have contacted them and let them know the true situation. I am actually really scared now because I am dreading what his reaction will be when he finds out. And I am realising that my reaction in itself is wrong. I shouldn't be scared of him.

[ladylush]

chgd - well done for taking that step It sounds like you are mostly surrounded by people who are brainwashed/brainwashing you and can't see the situation as it really is. Try to detach yourself from these people - if not literally then at least emotionally. If you have one supportive person on board that is all you need right now. You will make true friends in the future once you have come through the other side and can choose the right type of people to be around.
I am even more convinced that you should leave this man if you don't love him. Your dc will be fine. Of course it will be difficult initially but they will adjust. He doesn't in any way sound like a good male role model for your children. Also, domestic violence takes on many forms. I'd say that slapping your bum hard and pinching you is violent.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Your church is a shitty abuser's cult. Sorry, but it is, if church members are telling you to suck up abuse because you are less than human, and that your partner is your boss/owner/overlord.

While I have no religious faith I do know people who believe in gods and many, many of them believe in loving gods who do not condone or require misogyny and domestic abuse. I think there are some Christian MNers who actively work with DV victims and may well be able to advise you from a religious perspective that your god loves you and does not want you to be abused by your husband just because he has a cock and you don't.

[theDreadPirateRoberts]

Hear hear LL & SGB

[ChgdnoM]

The church we currently attend is fine and has no idea we are having difficulties. The people who came up are from another church and are well meaning, but from a different culture so can be rather direct. The way the man was really nice and gentle while the woman sat glaring at me and then told me that she had "sensed a bad spiritual atmosphere as soon as she entered the house" it was a bit good cop bad cop, tbh. Then when they left, dh said "right you've got to like me, value me and build me up now." And I felt like shouting F**k OFF! even though I generally don't swear.
I have a close friend from church who si supportive and knows quite a lot about my marriage, but she is of the view that it's fixable and all for the counselling/mediation route. I personally just think I need space to think and recuperate atm.

[ladylush]

I think you know what you need to do. Give yourself time but don't bury your head in the sand. I think it's interesting that not one of these church "friends" has your interests at heart. Counselling/mediation for what? To paper over the cracks in a doomed relationship?

[ChgdnoM]

It's a bit strange because when he comes in after work, I automatically go into "got to get his dinner ready" mode and it feels like the wrong time to make things final. Going to try to get some sleep. Was up most of last night getting stressed. I was writing a diary to try and cope with the stress, but he read it and it led to another bout of tears and recriminations. So i have not felt I can continue it. Maybe I should blog. Does anyone know how to set one up?

[drlove8]

you could always just vent on here?

[barrelrider]

Please get out of this relationship, it's making me upset just reading about it so God knows what it must be like for you. You sound so depressed, have you been to see the doctor? I really think you should go. They might be able to offer practical help as well as the counselling side of things. As for mediation, what's to mediate? The guy is an abusive, manipulative bastard and anyone who tries to 'mediate' in that situation will be in a very hard place. Go to the solicitor, many do free initial consultations, it will make you feel better to at least understand what your options are re sorting out a separation agreement. You don't have to go through with anything, just knowing your options will make you feel better.
Well done for contacting your DC's family

[ladylush]

chgd - he read your diary This man is very controlling. Agree with barrel - explore your options ...... and ASAP.

[Notsotired]

How long have you lived with your husband?

[SolidGoldBrass]

'COuple' counselling won't help. It will just give him more tricks to use in abusing you - like his church mates, who he brings round to tell you to obey him (they are wankers, by the way.)

[ChgdnoM]

Nst have lived together nearly 11years.
Br, DC's family have contacted me offering encouragement advice and financial support. Also said they realised why I have not been able to let then have contact with DC. There are a few chinks of light now.
The thing is he keeps questioning everything I do now. I did broach the subject of DC's family with him and what I wanted, and after I was very firm, he agreed, but in a way that I suspect he hopes I will not do anything else about it. I just want to function normally. I took the kids away last year for 8 days and we had a fab time, I just did everything I wanted, like hoover out the car, without it being a huge effort or it taking twice the time it should. Will try to see gp after I've been to woman's aid. They recommended I speak to doc as well, so that it's documented.

[ladylush]

The 8 days you had with the dc last year gives you a taste of how great life can be without this misogynist. I wish you all the best. I'm glad your dc family are offering their support. It sounds as though they have been very understanding

[ChgdnoM]

We had a barbeque today and once again I got left to do everything. I can normally cope but this time by the time my friend had arrived I was in a state. When DH got home (he hadn't even got the barbeque out and put coal in it) I said I'd had to do everything on my own with no help, and his answer was . . . I only knew about this a couple of days ago ! I'd spent an hour trying, unsuccessfully to light the barbeque and ended up accidentally spraying it with the hose, that he'd turned off with the 'full on hard jet' button pressed in. I was going to cut some salad only to see that despite obviously having used the hose recently he'd not watered the salads and they were wilting in their window boxes.
Also we have 3 active compost heaps yet he just chucks any green waste he produces in piles around the garden. If I ask him to put the stuff on the heaps. He says later, which means never. I don't feel like a team, I feel we pull in different directions all the time. Today in church I was saying I was baking some bread rolls to go with the sausages and the man DH was talking to said "you're making them yourself" and i said "yes" DH sort of groan-grunted and the other man said "wow! Don't knock it!"
Which made DH think, I hope.

[theDreadPirateRoberts]

Everything you describe sounds like he's showing you no respect whatsoever - and the more you do, the more he'll find to disrespect. I see you're meeting with Womens Aid tomorrow - excellent. Have you got an appointment with your GP yet? I think the more people you talk to about this, the less confused you'll feel - bringing it out into the open will reassure you that you're not crazy or paranoid, you are in fact living with a man who treats you worse than an animal...

When are you talking to your eldest's family again? Could you take all the kids for a weekend maybe? Give yourself some more time out? And how far away are they from you?

Finally - are the church aware of how your H uses money to control/hurt you? What's he running up the credit card debt on? And can you talk to the bank and ensure that this new debt isn't in your name? CAB can advise you on this.

Let us know if there's any specific support you need? Anything you have questions on? Re the blog, which you talked about before, you can set one up here on MN - go here. Best of luck with it all.

xx

[theDreadPirateRoberts]

Oh - another final point - re the other man... You're feeling guilty about having feelings for him, but 1. You haven't acted on them and 2. It's not surprising that you should be attracted to someone who appears to value you as a human being. It's perfectly natural that you should develop feelings in these circumstances.

I would however continue to not act on them. It's a distraction from the horribleness of your H, but one which can muddy the waters as you begin to sort out your life for you and your DCs. There's plenty of support out there and on here for you, and when you've got yourself sorted you can re-evaluate things properly.

xx