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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Emotional Abuse - can we talk abou t it and what it entails?

921 replies

Janos · 21/03/2009 19:35

If we already have a thread on this then I apologise for bringing it all up again. Perhaps someone can let me know and if so I'll let the thread die quietly!

I just thought it would be helpful to talk about it, and what constitutes it so people who are in an emotionally abusive relationship could recognise what is going on as it can be so insidious and nasty, and more difficult to identify.

This is not for one moment to denigrate or draw attention away from physical or sexual abuse btw.

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 21/03/2009 19:44

god a hard subject to talk about this one as i experienced it whilst married
in my own case it was being made to feel worthless,being undermined,belittled,bullied,shouted at and critiscised on a daily basis
it's a very dark period of my life but i came thru it thankfully and am now happily divorced

AfricanGal · 21/03/2009 19:46

I for one have been enduring emotional abuse for about 3 years now. It was only about a year ago when someone online read something i wrote and said that there was a name for what i was going thru: 'emotional abuse' and that it was a Recognised Form of Abuse. I was shocked beyond belief. I just thought it was by Bad Luck that i was involved with a w* and that was my lot!
I wish I could say that I have been strong enough to walk away - but i have not been - sometimes i feel ashamed that i've not been a victim of physical abuse - and therefore what place do i have in complaining about what I've been enduring ??

Janos · 21/03/2009 19:52

Sorry this is still ongoing AfricanGal. I have been through it myself too.

The problem is that it is so hard to identify and when to try to describe what is going on you feel so foolish.

You hear comments like 'Why don't you just stand up to him','I wouldn't take that' and so on which make you feel doubly bad as you think..I should be able to do that. Why can't I? And so the cycle goes on.

With physical abuse..people can see the bruises but of course you can't see bruises which are on the inside. Even though you can't see them, they are still there.

Does that make sense?

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 21/03/2009 19:52

yes it appears that if you're beaten up or cheated on then it constitutes grounds to walk away
it is very hard to talk openly about specific events or what's been said
my solicitor was very succinct in my petition tho and i was granted my divorce
his carried on the mind games tho right thru til the end

PlumBumMum · 21/03/2009 19:53

for you Africangal but understand what you mean about complaining about it, (only its my father) you think there people who have been sexually and physically abused so it could be worse

Unfortunately thats how so many people get away with it, and so many people don't recognise it at all, they think thats how they're relationship works

aseriouslyblondemoment · 21/03/2009 19:54

Janos what you have just said rings very true
it took me a long time to decide to stop it almost 2 yrs i think,a very hard decision to take but i had to for my own survival and for the benefit of my dcs

Janos · 21/03/2009 20:01

I was trying to describe my XPs behaviour to someone the other day and found it very hard to come up with actual examples of what he was like.

Emotional abusers are often very clever as well and know exactly which buttons to press to make you feel bad about yourself.

OP posts:
AfricanGal · 21/03/2009 20:02

Today I am feeling particularly under the weather cos on this week we had an almighty row - in front of DS unfortunately - and i actually flung upon the front door and told him to 'get stepping'. He just smirked and walked out calmly getting into his car and drove away.Not even at speed...all the neighbours came out to see what the kerfuffle was about and i was comletely livid..
I was trembling and shaking but kept my voice firm and screamed and shouted 3 years worth of rage at him. It felt SO GOOD to let it all out.
But then someting very stupid happened.
He called an hour later - i told DS to answer the phone and he told DS to tell me he was sorry. For the first time in all these years he actually said 'its my fault.i shoudnt have started on you like that - i'm sorry'..that day he came home early from work and was transformed..for about 8 hours..

So now I'm left feeling like a mug and wondering why i let him waltz back into our lives like that.

I know my self-esteem has hit rock bottom and that i feel worthless and helpless. I am always tired and cant sleep for the worry..but how low is that - that i cant get him Out Of My Life?

PlumBumMum · 21/03/2009 20:05

He knew he really pushed you and he knew just what to say

Janos · 21/03/2009 20:16

Beacuse they make you dependent on them..I think the crux if it all is the desire for control over another human being.

OP posts:
Janos · 21/03/2009 20:17

They work hard to make you dependant and then start putting you down, you lose confidence in youself, the ability make decisions etc...

Basically, you are ground down slowly over time.

And often they are lovely to start with. My XP was.

OP posts:
AfricanGal · 21/03/2009 20:18

Plum: that just confirms to me how useless and pathetic I truly am. But I dont want to BE THAT PERSON ANY MORE but i dunno how to change

aseriouslyblondemoment · 21/03/2009 20:19

yes it's like playground bullying taken to the furthest extreme

MrsMattie · 21/03/2009 20:20

The relationship I was in before I met my DH was emotionally abusive. He played mind games with me, made me doubt my own judgement, lied and manipulated and very nearly turned a bright, bolshy, outgoing young woman (ie. ME) into a paranoid, nervy, unconfident wreck . Luckily, I got away from him. Thank God for my mum. She got fed up of seeing me in tears and gave me a stern talking to one day, and it really hit home that he was a complete bastard and I was better off without him.

Flibbertyjibbet · 21/03/2009 20:21

I have been subjected to this in the past. If my own experience was anything to go off, a thread about emotional abuse so that women suffering it can come on and read all about it may not work.
For the simple reason that the 'victim' is usually in denial and even when presented with the symptoms will think they don't apply to her situation, or become defensive of the perpetrator 'yes but he's a good dad' and (as in my case) just really not accept that this is what is happening to them.
We see it all the time on here in threads started by women who are not happy with something their partner has done or is doing.

Same as Janos I can't come up with actual examples. Its more of a gradual wearing down until your confidence is gone and they just treat you how they like. In my own case I mostly remember the initial comments about my figure, digs about how dippy I was and how on earth I managed to pass the exams that I did, comments about my makeup etc. Five years later I was told on a daily basis that I was fat, ugly and stupid.

The rest, the little taps, shoves etc started so slowly that I can't remember the first time. It culminated in something that i can't even talk about never mind post on the world wide web.

He never once said he was sorry.
He thought he was superior in every way. He was controlling over my friends, money, the car, I could go on and on.

Every case is different, and because it usually creeps on so slowly, by the time you admit to yourself whats happening you are so ground down that it feels impossible to do anything about it.

Thank god I didn't have children with him because in the end I left with practically the clothes I stood up in.

Got to hide this thread now incase current dp sees it as he has no idea (and he is worlds apart from the abusive ex)

aseriouslyblondemoment · 21/03/2009 20:23

What is also worth remembering is exactly what sort of messages that this kind of behaviour sends out to your children
having boys myself i didn't want them growing up thinking that it was acceptable to treat women like this
my exh's father treats his w like this too so i guess that on my exh's part it's learnt behaviour and perfectly the norm.

MrsMattie · 21/03/2009 20:24

Things my ex would do:

Make things up that I had apparently 'done to disrespect/annoy/hurt him' (completely fictional things, but small enough that he didn't look like a complete nutter)

Twist situations to always make me appear selfish/uncaring, when I only ever had his best interests at heart

Constantly make me feel guilty about doing anything for myself. He needed to feel depended on and 'needed' at all times...except when he wanted to go out and do what the f**k he liked...then I was being 'clingy' if I so much as wanted to know if he'd be back that night at all?

Slowly and very subtley excluded my friends & family from our lives - by generally not making them feel that welcome when they came over and by being moody and off-ish (but never overtly) when I went to see them.

Constantly accused me of fancying/flirting with other men.

The list goes on...

mehdismummy · 21/03/2009 20:27

hi there african alot of the abuse i suffered was emotional it often felt i was walking on eggshells iyswim, i use to dread him coming in the door when he was in a bad mood because he just would look for an argument and then i often remember sitting alone all the time because he would never be in and if he was he would be either asleep or ignoring or slagging me off, it finally came to a head when he threw a knife at me because i dared to say something he didnt agree with, i phoned womens aid the next day and went into a refuge for six months, there were times when i thought i had overreacted and perhaps it was because of the culture he had been brough up in i still think it sometimes now but i also enjoy having friends and being me again

Janos · 21/03/2009 20:36

"Slowly and very subtley excluded my friends & family from our lives - by generally not making them feel that welcome when they came over and by being moody and off-ish (but never overtly) when I went to see them."

My XP did this too, to the point where he was actually feeding lies about me to my mother.

He was able to do this because we were more or less estranged at this point - as I've said on another thread, a situation which he exploited to the full.

I suspect he felt threatened by any other close relationship I had with someone who was not under his control.

OP posts:
Janos · 21/03/2009 20:37

Sorry not v clear - me and my mum were estranged.

OP posts:
cheerfulvicky · 21/03/2009 20:59

My controlling XP did the thing with the family. Practically the only person I know round here is my mum, and when she comes round he either goes out, or doesn't speak to her beyond "Hello", "Cheerio". If I ask him whether he dislikes her he gets all offended, "No of course not!" etc etc. Recently he said the reason he doesn't talk to her at all is because she is hearing impaired and consequently he can't understand anything she says Funny, he never mentioned it for the 1 1/2 years we were together, and no-one else has a problem understanding her!

He also would get really offended at little things and is guaranteed to take everything the wrong way. You can pay him a compliment and end up feeling a prat, as though you've said something really wounding. It messes with your head after a while!

Good to see this thread. It's so hard to talk about, and Janos I know you mentioned on another thread how your XP has a way of making you feel its all in your head. No-one should be made to feel that way, belittled and ignored and put down. It's not right. I hope woman read this thread and it gives them the courage to leave people like this. We all deserve better.

I'd love to hear from women about the contrast between their lovely current DH/DP and emotionally abusive exes. After a while you start to forget what normal is.

topsy1 · 21/03/2009 22:35

i don't really ever post, but this is exactly what i'm going through at the moment. i think i have suddenly realised that what my h has been doing for the last 5 years is emotional abuse. i find that really hard. as others have described before i was confident and successful - now i'm on ads and depressed. i've reached the decision that i can't go on like this - i have 2 ds to think of and its starting to effect ds1. where do i go from now?

theDreadPiratePerArdua · 21/03/2009 22:42

I'm sorry - I can't read everyone else's posts, just because I can't.

For me, it was the guy who persuaded me that all I was worth was him, and it was therefore down to him to point out when I was being less than ideal. On an hourly basis. I left him because I was only staying because he hadn't hit me (yet) and I realised this - but 10 years later it's only relatively recently that I've realised that it wasn't actually me - I was just a random victim of a man who is probably a serial predator. I haven't seen him since - I hope he died.

theDreadPiratePerArdua · 21/03/2009 22:43

(But good for you Janos for bringing this one out)

aseriouslyblondemoment · 21/03/2009 22:45

topsy so sorry to hear
please take comfort from some of us on here
and you've recognised the need to do something about it which is a major thing in itself and proves that you still have the fight left in you
xx