Emotional Abuse - can we talk abou t it and what it entails?

[Janos]

If we already have a thread on this then I apologise for bringing it all up again. Perhaps someone can let me know and if so I'll let the thread die quietly!

I just thought it would be helpful to talk about it, and what constitutes it so people who are in an emotionally abusive relationship could recognise what is going on as it can be so insidious and nasty, and more difficult to identify.

This is not for one moment to denigrate or draw attention away from physical or sexual abuse btw.

And of course he could have opened his presents at the cafe - he was deliberately making a point of sitting there on the driveway. He is a nasty childish piece of work. Keep on detaching!

And keep one hand on the handbrake on those hills!

Hi Everyone haven't been on here for a while as I've had computer problems.

Freeasabird, you have come on in leaps and bounds with your EA, good luck at the solicitors. I am also going to visit my solicitor next week with a view to serving divorce proceedings on STBXH. My solicitor recommends divorcing on the grounds of adultery, naming no names, as EAEx is already in a new relationship and we are still technically married.

I only left 3 months ago and he is already talking marriage again. His new lady is a high-earning professional with a wealthy family background. I cannot believe how ex has re-invented himself with weight-loss, new lovely designer clothes and he's now Mr Charming again. He is the master of manipulation.

Madame, I know how you must feel about your ex;s impending marriage. It's not the loss of them it's the loss of the person they pretended to be that hurts. The man I see now is the one I fell in love with but thank goodness the scales have fallen from my eyes and although I regret that it turned out to be an illusion created with smoke and mirrors, I'm still glad that I can be free and I just feel sorry for the OW who, maybe, will find out for herself that he's not what he seems.

I'm sure some time down the line she will in some way fail to live up to his very high expectations or ask too many questions when the mask begins to slip and the cycle will start again.

I do find it strange that these men share so many abusive behavours and characteristics and react very differently to each other on separation. Some pursuing their exes and others (like mine) moving incredibly quickly onto the next victim who could be absolutely anybody as long as they have the right combination of personality or vulnerability to fall under the spell.

I do find it hard to come to terms with but I'm so happy and thnakful to be free!

Digitalis you have put that perfectly about mourning the loss of the man I thought he was - and though I know it I am still reeling. The idea that he put on this show of a loving committed relationship in front of people in order to further get his hooks in his latest victim makes me sick to my stomach.
I know for a fact their honeymoon period is over already (see earlier posts)

I remember that he actually said to me "If not her then it would have been someone else" As you say:
"the next victim who could be absolutely anybody as long as they have the right combination of personality or vulnerability to fall under the spell."

I loved him, he was the love of my life but I realise now that a part of me had begun to close off and knew what he was. I was in denial. Also I was too strong for him and he couldnt stand feeling that powerless. He bleated about the fact that he didnt feel we were a couple and that I would never live with him, which meant he could never control me the way he wanted. And of course he blames me.

But tough.
Just like you I find it hard to think about but am happy to be free. I think we will spend a long time coming to terms with it, but its a progression rather than a destructive cycle.

Been thinking, what we really need is a book or a programme to help us deal with life AFTER abuse. People think your problems are solved once you leave, but nooo, a whole new set crop up, and I think a lot of people arent prepared for the emotional fallout. For example giving yourself permission to wish you were still in the relationship because freedom is scary, while at the same time knowing you have done the right thing. Also still having feelings for the EA, and so on.

Hope that makes sense.

just an update

its been 6 weeks or maybe 7 since orson moved out, my DC are very calm and happier, even tho they are both ASD, their routines are going along very well.

i signed my papers for my divorce last week, he has had a letter from my solicitor telling him that i intend to divorce him and he should have the court papers soon, i have a feeling he,ll kick off when he sees what i have put which is EVERYTHING hes done to me by the way!!

tomorrow night DD is going to stay with him for the first time, she has refused to stay but went last weekend for the afternoon, i am going away on friday with my mum, we are going to the hampton court palace flower show and i cant wait!!!!

so everything is mine all mine,the house is in my name and the council tax, all finances etc and it feels GREAT ive even had an interest from 2 different men, although im not ready for another relationship at the moment, i want some time on my own, but i feel great, am still losing weight and looking after myself and my mental state is A1.

hope everone else is doing ok.

Hello,

I am posting here because I am really confused about my marriage.

We have been together 6 years and he has left me 6 times. It was always over a different thing that I had done wrong and every time I felt as though he was dealing with things badly yet he made me think it was me and I would promise to try and change and beg him to come back and he would.

Basically he seems to be able to act fine for a few months and then things would go down hill. We would have a row about something stupid and rather than stick to the point he would bring up all kinds of other issues into it making it very complicated and I would find myself trying to defend my actions or what I said etc etc then he would 'punish' me by withdawing emotionally, he would start coming home late from work and not doing anything around the house or wanting to spend any time with me.

A few times in anger he has threatened physical actions "I'll put you through that wall" he's had his hands round my throat a couple of times but not actually throttled me. He has also a few times smashed things up in the house.

He's never been rude to me in front of friends and family but he hates the fact I am close to my family and that is a constant source of annoyance to him. He has called me a Mummy's girl 'go running to Mummy' calls me chilish, pathetic. He will very often stonewall me or just totally ignore my questions.

I do wonder though if this could be abuse or it's just me being annoying or controlling. I called him a control freak once and he said that actually I am the control freak. That I constantly bombard him with texts and am like a dog with a bone. I read on here that these people do constantly text and harrass their partners so maybe it is me who's contolling?

I do tend to be a very honest person and believe that if there is a problem two ppeople should be able to work things out. If he won't discuss things with me face to face I end up texting him to try and get him to open up about the issue but he just ignores me and being ignored makes me so mad I end up bombarding him with text trying to get an answer from him. He sayd this drives him nuts so he deliberetaly ignores me. But then if he just replied the first time I wouldn't have to keep texting? I don't know, maybe a different person would just stop the texts so maybe it is me.

I work part time, he is got a good job but he won't have shared finances. He moved into my house and we put the motgage in both our names when our son was born but I still pay stuff out of my account and he gives me what I consider 'lodgings money' he won't get involved in finances at all. He won't discuss what to save for or anything like that.

His favorite subject is his job and his work and that's mostly what he talks about, eh shows no interets in me or my dreams or plans. He never compliements me. Oh except when he has come back after one of his leving sessions but it soon wears off. When I ask for his opionon on what I like like or I feel a bit down one day about getting old he just tells me I'm fishing for compliments or that I'm insecure.

If he wants compliments I give them.

It kills him to say thank you to me for anything ie a cup of tea or a meal I've cooked him and he never tells me something was nice that I've cooked. He just eats something comment. If I ask if he liked it he just sayd 'yeah it as ok'

He once started going on internet websites for 'swingers'. When I caught him he accused me of snooping and not trusting him. The tried to deny it. I don;t trust him but he fels no need to build trust, telling me I'm just an untrusting person (one of the reasons he gave me for leaving once)

We have tried Relate a couple of time but he sits there giving all the big talk (he doesn't stop talking once he's on a roll) but it's all about what I'm doing wrong and he makes it sound so plausible.

I don't know, I'm so confused. I feel as though he's not that bad compared to some of the other 'abusers' on here. All I know is I feel crazy sometimes trying to work out the problem with this relationship.

If I was to be able to stop loving him and just call it a day and leave myself I honestly know he wouldn't come running back. He would be too proud.

Oh he has now stopped bothering with sex with me, telling me he can't just switch it on when I have a face like a slapped arse all the time which recently I acceot I have. He says I'm always moody.

I feel so confused and yet I can't leave him because I keep wondering what if it is me with the problems? I know everyone has their own issues, they say it takes two to cause problems in a marriage?

I do know his last marriage only lasted 18 months and apparently she acused him of physical abuse but he sayd she was crazy.

He doesn't like his Mum. his Dad is on his 3rd marriage and he thinks all women (like his Mum and his Dad's 2nd wife) end up cheating on men.

Any thoughts?

Sorry it's so long

Caroline xx

So many alarm bells ringing here...

It sounds like he's using lassic manipulation tactics, including making you feel responsible for his behaviour - having to text him because he doesn't respond and so on.

This is a link to a 'recognising domestic violence' questionnaire - I think you should work through it. And then maybe phone Women's Aid to talk through what you've told us? The number is at the top of the linked page.

It's very common to feel responsible for the way he's behaving, but he has chosen to behave that way. He has a history of physical abuse, and if he's had his hands round your throat before, then that's pretty bloody worrying too.

It doesn't take two people to make a problem if one of those people has no respect for the other - and that's what's coming through loud and clear from the above.

Re money - is there any way of getting him off the mortgage? Is his name on the deeds as well?

Please talk with Women's Aid. They can help you explore your options properly. The more you talk, the clearer your head will get. It'll take time, but you'll get there. Talk to your family and friends as much as you can too - don't let him isolate you, please.

Finally, how much of this is your DC seeing? How old are they? Did they witness the smashing incident(s)? Please give some thought as to how you want them to grow up - the atmosphere they live in, their expectations of relationships, their respect for women - can all be seriously damaged by the sort of behaviour you're describing.

And please be careful. He sounds dangerous.

xx

Hi CarrieAnn65 - I agree with Dread. You should seriously consider going to Woman's Aid. Their national helpline is very hard to get through on. It took me several attmepts sitting in the car on my mobile before finally speaking to a really helpful woman, She gave me local mumbers - which are also available on their website. I am meeting 2 of their local reps on Monday to talk through my situation. It is very easy to think its you. That is why I am seeing WA on Monday. I am worried that I am making a big deal of something much smaller - although I know I'm not. It's hard not to question yourself when you are about to disrupt your home and kids. I made the mistake (possibily) of sending my husband to the Drs with a letter from me about how he behaves towards me and the kids. The Dr has taken it very seriously and is sending him for various mental health assessments. What has upset me is that he is involving Social Services now because he is worried about the effectts on the kids! Now part of me is thinking that I can't have SS involved, that just donesn't happen to me and I wish I had just told him to leave. He's terrified and is behaving better - funny how suddenly he can! But how long will it last I wonder? Take care Carrie and let us know how it goes.

you cant change his behaviour but you can cahnge yours...yes stop bombarding him with texts it gets nowhere and makes him feel more in control of you.

he is abusive towards you. trying to restrict your time with your family or jsut make you feel bad for having a close relationship with them etc.

he has been phsyically violent and threatened you!

you need to go to the relate counsellor or another counsellor on on your own to talk this thru.

read the lundy bancroft book

start changing YOUR reactions to his behaviour. you deserve respect. if he threatens to leave, let him go. dont ask him back.

Hello,

Thank you so much for your replies.

We had a row last night which culminated in him walking out again. I knew things were coming to a head which is what promoted me to post yesterday. He's only been back this time round for 6 months!

I desperately want to be strong enough not to start begging him back and not to start thinking if only I'd done this or if only I'd done that he wouldn't behave the way he does. I want to be free from this toxic relationship and this vicious cycle. If I could be absolutely certain he was the one with the problem I might be able to free myself of the addiction (it's almost like I'm addicted to this man)

It scared me that a couple of you mentioned Women's Aid because I don't consider him violent..... although he has had maybe 3 episodes bordering it.

In the 6 years we've been together he has displayed 3 instances of physical aggresion towards me. Once when I was pregnant and the other two times in the last 3 years (our son is now 3 and a half) so that isn't a lot is it? He has always stopped short of actually hurting me but it's the act of it that is scary. My son witnessed it once when he was about 18 months old but since then he hasn't seen any violence.

He has smashed 3 things in the house in the 6 years I've been with him. A chest of drawers, a microwave and a photo of the 3 of us. Again that isn't a lot is it?

I did the test of the domestic violence thing and only gave a positive answer to 3 questions. There is a lot of stuff he doesn't do.

The last episode was a couple of months ago. He didn't actually hurt me but he had been drinking (again he rarely gets drunk but maybe because he knows how he reacts from past experiences maybe with his ex wife?)We had had a row (who knows what about) and he went crazy telling me he couldn't stand me, I'm a Mummy's girl, he looked almost insane, mimicking my reactions, making nasty faces and then he smashed the photo saying he means nothing to me as all we have in the house in one photo of us together, he then pulled me off the sofa and shoved me towards the understairs cupboard to show me that all his dvd's were still stuck in boxes in there from the last time he left) and that I don't want anything of him in the house, telling he acts like a lodger because I treat him like one. Then he starts laughing like a crazy man and rambling on and on slumped in a corner.

I was in tears and really scared by this point because he looked insane, I was going to go out of the house but he prevented me from leaving and then suddenly he just stopped and went in the lounge and crashed out asleep on the sofa.

The next day he acted like nothing had happenend saying he can't rememeber anything he said or did because he was drunk.

I kind of get the feeling his last marriage was extremely volatile from the things he has spoken about. He told me she accused him of physical violence but that she was a lying cow. I wonder why he would even give that information to me if he was actually violent?

Anyway, he has gone (for the moment) I think I just ned some perspective on this relationship. Why do I keep wanting him back? How can I stop this? I am still not certain he is emotionally abusive?

It's almost as if he has the potential but is controlling it quite well... do they get worse? 6 years surely he would be a full blown case by now?

Caroline xx

Carrie - I urge you to really stop and think about what you have just written above. Emotional abuse does not have to entail any physical violence. There is a belief that domestic violence is all about the physical but the emotional aspects can just as damaging to a person and can be more enduring (I am in no way putting down the effects of physical violence). However please take another look at your 2 posts above. Can you really say that what he has done doesn't constitute physical violence? You have used terms like "pushed me; shoved me and prevented me". They are all physical actions carried out in anger. Perhaps he doesn't tick all the EA boxes but I am not aware they all have to be ticked. Men display different aspects of EA or a combination of a few - not necessarily all aspects. I will post you next week about how I get on with my WA meeting - because I feel a bit like you in that I am questioning whether actual EA has happened over the years. I believe it has but I want thier expert opinion. Give yourself time without him. See what life is like without you constantly worrying about what he will do next. My H has definitely got worse over the years - 17 years! It is all EA and not physical. Early on he was possessive and controlling and jealous. Later he became angry, more and more critical and rude to my family. It has had a potentially massive effect on my kids. I wish I had let a long time ago as my eldest now has physchological issues. Please take time to reflect and think and seek professional help if you can.

Carrie - I can't believe you only scored 3 - just from your two posts I got the following 'yes's...

o Has your partner tried to stop you from seeing family or friends? - "he hates the fact I am close to my family and that is a constant source of annoyance to him. He has called me a Mummy's girl 'go running to Mummy' calls me chilish, pathetic."

o Are you ever afraid of your partner? - "He has always stopped short of actually hurting me but it's the act of it that is scary." "I was in tears and really scared by this point because he looked insane, I was going to go out of the house but he prevented me from leaving"

o Has your partner ever destroyed any of your possessions deliberately? - "He has smashed 3 things in the house in the 6 years I've been with him. A chest of drawers, a microwave and a photo of the 3 of us"

o Has your partner ever hurt or threatened you or your children? - "In the 6 years we've been together he has displayed 3 instances of physical aggresion towards me. Once when I was pregnant and the other two times in the last 3 years (our son is now 3 and a half)" "A few times in anger he has threatened physical actions "I'll put you through that wall" he's had his hands round my throat a couple of times but not actually throttled me. He has also a few times smashed things up in the house."

o Has your partner ever tried to prevent your leaving the house? - "I was going to go out of the house but he prevented me from leaving"

o Does your partner blame his use of alcohol or drugs for his behaviour? - "he had been drinking (again he rarely gets drunk but maybe because he knows how he reacts from past experiences maybe"

o Does your partner constantly belittle or humiliate you - "he said that actually I am the control freak. That I constantly bombard him with texts and am like a dog with a bone" "Oh he has now stopped bothering with sex with me, telling me he can't just switch it on when I have a face like a slapped arse all the time" "He once started going on internet websites for 'swingers'. When I caught him he accused me of snooping and not trusting him. " "he has left me 6 times. It was always over a different thing that I had done wrong and every time I felt as though he was dealing with things badly yet he made me think it was me"

These are all your own words. Please do phone WA... It really isn't you, it's him, and I'm so glad he's out of the house at the moment - I do hope you can get him out of your life.

Oh, and WA isn't just for physically abused women - they realise that the scars of emotional abuse can run just as deep, and be even harder to break free from. I've been in an EA relationship myself, and told myself 'if he hits me I can leave' because I thought that the EA wasn't a good enough reason. I's so glad I came to my senses in time!

Carrie, I'm also someone who didn't think my situation was bad enough to "deserve" Women's Aid, but they will help you to see things more clearly.

Your H does sound abusive to me, even though I know that label will make you wince. It doesn't matter that he didn't go through with throttling you - good husbands don't put their hands around your throat! He is intimidating you, and whether it takes cuts and bruises to get to that point is fairly immaterial.

I am reading these posts through floods of tears; I too am in an awful marriage of emotional abuse. I have been with him for 18yrs and married for 15, and for about 7yrs endured both physical and emotional abuse, but after several interventions from the police and finally social services he stopped the physical side of it, but has continued with the emotional onslaught. My problems are logistical, how do I leave him? I am totally at his mercy, no job, no money, no savings and family and far too much baggage to sort out. I feel I have neither the knowledge nor the strength to do it. If I was to explain my life style I sound extremely fortunate and many would feel I am privileged and should not moan, but I may have a good lifestyle but it is worth nothing if you are not happy, and that I am not. I am looking for advice on how to leave him with no money or family to help.

Hi Woodywoo, for the logistical part, you'll have to talk to a solicitor. Many will give you a free 30-min consultation which will at least point you in the right direction.

Feeling trapped and lacking the resources to make a move is a direct result of the abuse you have suffered. It saps so much of your energies over so long.

I know it seems overwhelming, but you can start with baby steps. Even being on a forum like this is a good start. Read as much as you can. Try calling Women's Aid. Make that solicitor's appointment. One step at a time.

And logistically Woodywoo - you can leave - you'll be entitled to benefits, tax credits, housing benefits etc, plus any child maintenance he may pay... Talk to WA and find your local service - you can also talk to your local council about finding somewhere to live. It's all doable - lots of women have left and built their lives up to a far better place than they were before.

One of my biggest bits of baggage I am struggling with - which many people won't sympathise with - is I have lots of pets which I cannot leave behind, he can be a very cruel man and will definitely take it out on them if I go. It means that if I attempt to rehome them(which will also be upsetting for the children)he will know what?s happening and that is something I didn't want, I had hoped to use the element of surprise, one day he would come home and I would be gone. If he knows what?s going on living with him will be a living hell and I do worry weather he will be able to hold his temper. I will definitely speak with Women?s Aid, and as sad as it is I'm glad I'm not the only one and I know there is light at the end tunnel and I also know that I will regret having not done this years ago. Thank you, any other advice will be appreciated.

There was one woman in the refuge with me who stayed with her H longer than she otherwise would have because of the dog. It's not that rare. You might be able to get them fostered for a while - have a look at this: www.animalresources.co.uk/petfoster.html

The other thing I would like to know is the more practical things, when people say try counselling, where do you get this and how do you find out about them. When it comes to solicitors do you know how legal aid is decided? And does anyone know which departments within the council I should talk to regarding benefits/housing etc?

Dear DreadPirate Roberts,

Thankyou for taking the time to look at everything I wrote and make me see those things.

I think I have definately been in denial about the things he has been doing.

I just want him to stay out of my life now. For the first time in 6 years and 6 times of him leaving me I have actually acknowledged that this man is BAD NEWS and I do not want him back but unfortunately we have a 3 year old son so he will always be part of my life. I am just hoping that once he realises I won't be begging him back as I've done in the past that he won't start trying to manipulate me.

I suppose the fact he has left could just be the start of a different set of problems now? With child support, and house and divorcestuff to sort I have a feeling this won't be an easy ride either but hopefully a lot easier than the last 6 years of shi*

Thank you all so much for your support. I will keep posting on this board and looking forward to getting to know some of you and seeing how you all move on to better things hopefully

Caroline xx

Carrie - talk to Womens Aid? They can refer you to a local service, who can help you with getting benefits sorted, and finding a good solicitor who'll understand your position, and how to proceed to protect you and your DS. Yes, new set of problems, but ones you can solve without constant undermining

Same for you Woodywoo - talk to WA? The number won't show up on the phone bill, and if you talk to your local service they may also be able to advise you on local animal services. They can also advise you on staying safe for now. Of course, if he did get violent, you might be able to get an occupancy order on the house (if you pressed charges with the police). But you really don't want it to come to that...

Mind if i join this thread?

In the past my 'D'P has said lots of awful things to me, calling me useless and fat etc.

I looked at the Womens Aid website, but he doesn't try and control me or where i go.

Whenever we have an argument he loses it and shouts and shouts and shouts even when i beg him to stop. He has never laid a finger on me though.

The next day he will act as if nothing has happened, say he is sorry and expect me to forget about it, and if i still seem upset he has a go at me and asks why i'm being grumpy, why am i bringing up the past, he has apologised what more do i want, etc.

I have spoke to him about it when he is calm, he says he doesn't know why he does it, he doesn't mean the things he says and mostly he cant remember anything he said when he was angry.

I told him he needed anger management counselling or something, he says he doesnt because he isnt like this with anyone else, only with me. To everyone else (until i told them this week) he seems like a very quiet, shy and laidback person.

I stayed at my friends house at the weekend to get away from him for a while and now he is acting all nice with me and saying he wont do it again and doesnt want me to leave.

I know i shouldnt care what other people think of me, but i find it hard to explain to people exactly what he has done that has upset me so much.

My mum has told me that i just have to say the word and she will have me somewhere to stay and help me get benefits etc sorted within a month, and i could stay with her in the meantime.So why cant i do it?

He is being so nice and so reasonable now, i would feel almost cruel to say 'no more'. How stupid is that, he has treated me like this, on and off, for about 3 years, its getting worse every time, and yet im worried about hurting his feelings?!

Mum made me cry yesterday, she said 'you are a nice person, and a caring person and you don't deserve it, even on your worst day you could never provoke that reaction from anyone else.'

Sorry for the essay, have a 9mo DD and that just seems to make it even harder.

Hi newly, sorry you're having such a hard time.

A man doesn't have to do every bad thing listed on the WA website to be abusive. What rings alarm bells for me is how little he cares about your feelings, and how unwilling he is to acknowledge that he's hurt you and stop doing it.

You mightn't be ready to go now, but it will only get worse. The temptation is to think "I'll wait till he does something really awful, and then I will leave", but the problem is that you lose perspective on what is normal and what is awful, and the energy gets sucked out of you. You feel like you deserve it or that by doing something different, you can fix it. You can't.

To reiterate the usual advice, it's well worth reading Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?" and at least having a conversation with Women's Aid. They won't push you into leaving him if you don't want to do that now.

I'm glad you have your mother's support.

Some advice please ladies!
As you know I have left my horrid EA XH and am now with lovely new DP and moving on with my life though XH still tries to control and abuse me with less success every day

However, my BF DD1 who is 17 nearly 18, has been in a relationship with a boy of 18 for about a year, I am damn sure he is EA (at least I have noticed some bruises that look suspciciously like finger marks to me)!
They have split up so many times I cant count, and each time he reels her (and my best friend and her DH back in), yet again this has happended after a weekend of tears and texts/calls (he sends really nasty texts to my best friend saying what her DD1 is doing all lies )!
We had a long talk and I gave her my Lundy book to read and asked her DD1 to come and talk to me!
But now they are back together AGAIN, her DD1 is all "loved up", and they are all saying that he is really a nice guy, and best friends DD is high maintenance/winds him up/is just as much to blame!!!
I dont see it TBH, she seems a lovely bright teenage girl to me (who can be a bit teenage moody type but certainly doesnt seem to do anything wrong)!
I am feeling quite desperate at how to help them, my best friend is now also taking the line that they are both as bad as each other, in my heart I dont believe this, I am as sure as I can he is EA, but my best friend says I am over reacting because of my past
I dont know how to help and am quite scared for best friends DD and her lovely bright future!
What should I do what CAN I do

Hi.
I am new to this site and a few days ago I posted a thread - but I've just discovered this one. I've been reading it all day in snatches here and there; it's all so familiar.

I have been married for 17 years and until a few weeks ago I thought I was to blame for everything that's gone wrong in my marriage, for ruining my h's life, for living in chaos, being disorganised, forgetful, uncommunicative, cold, lazy, stupid.....the list is too long to go on. Anyhow, one night after a particularly nasty verbal attack from h where he called me a 'fcking cunt' in front of my dd (4), I wrote about what an awful person I was on a parenting site where I live. I expected a harsh response particularly because I was completely honest and admited that I had been unfaithful. Instead I had a lot of very sympathetic replies. I was shocked, but they didn't convince me that I was any less to blame for the things my h had said and done to me over the years!

What changed things for me, was one lady, who suggested I google Narsissistic Personality Disorder. When I did as she suggested I found a near perfect description of my h. I can't begin to tell you the impact discovering this information had on me, I couldn't breathe, felt physically sick, literally broke out in a cold sweat. It was only then that I started to believe that maybe it wasn't all my fault after all.

In a few short weeks I have been through a life changing experience. I have moved from disbelief to shock to anger. I have had to re evaluate everything that my h has said and done to me over the years and look at it from a new perspective. I am probably going through a period of self pity right now, but when I think of all the guilt I have felt over the years....I'm in mourning for my lost life if that makes sense?

Anyway, I won't ramble on and on although it's theraputic to do so as I have nobody to talk to face to face in rl.
I have started to make preparations to change my life. I've finally told my mum and sister the truth. I've visited womens aid. I've destroyed incriminating items that my h could use as revenge. Next week I have a free legal aid appointment to see what my options are re getting him out of the house (I pay all the rent and there's no tenancy agreement.) It all has to be done in secret. But I'll admit; I'm scared. For the first time in my marriage I have to stand up to my h and I can only put it off for so long. I'm on my own with 3 dc to protect from, what will inevitably be, a massive fall out. I don't know what's going to happen but I sure as hell can't go on like this.