Emotional Abuse - can we talk abou t it and what it entails?

[Janos]

If we already have a thread on this then I apologise for bringing it all up again. Perhaps someone can let me know and if so I'll let the thread die quietly!

I just thought it would be helpful to talk about it, and what constitutes it so people who are in an emotionally abusive relationship could recognise what is going on as it can be so insidious and nasty, and more difficult to identify.

This is not for one moment to denigrate or draw attention away from physical or sexual abuse btw.

"so you get away but he still harasses and emotionally winds you up....what then? "

I know. I've seen your other posts cestlavie. Really wish I knew the answer to that one

Reality - I didn't realise you were they one who was being 'stalked' by the nutty wife. That sort of behaviour just beggars belief. I mean, the energy that goes into stalking someone online...it's both pathetic and horrible.

Didn't she have a facebook group called 'All imigrants shld be kiked up the bum' or similar?

Thanks Mummyella.
I could not really enlist parents' help as have done so before many years ago.They don't know anything is wrong as I am a good actress.
Some 'joint' friends have witnessed some small aspects of his behaviour,but everyone has their own problems.
I console myself by having good friends and a good relationship with my children and everyone else.
Most of the time I can deal with his behaviour,or live with it.I have emotionally detached myself from it I think.

I've posted this all over the site but it really is a useful resource. The 12 week programme can really help build up your self esteem and you can do the course whether you are living with an abusive partner or whether you've left them.

freedom programme

Thanks...think I'll have a look at that mrspnut.

Reality - don't such people have any self awareness? Don't they stop and think how their behaviour appears to other people? I guess not or they wouldn't do it.

Just read the list. Dominator sounds just like DS Dad..

I remember one conversation I had with.

I asked "Do you think you are entitled to sex wehnever you want it?"

Him (straight faced) "Yes I do"

If I didn't want to have sex I got badgered endlessly, sulked at etc until I gave in. Whether I wanted it was immaterial.

Good luck to you all.

I thought it was just me. I am stupid, pathetic, boring, ugly, why didn't you just think first??, why didn't you ask me first??, are you completely stupid??, on and on and on - 9 years.

I have very few friends left and fight to keep them, as the tantrums or issues that come up when I try and keep in contact.

My mum and dad stick him out, I think they know deep down what he is like and refuse to be put off by his clever "not quite being rude to be able to put your finger on it routine".

Mothers day was dreadful, I said something wrong in the morning, I disagreed with something, I probably deserved the fallout. My poor daughters.

I work from home, no escape, I have no family close by, and parents live abroad. Friends will say "it can't be that bad - you just need a holiday/time together/counselling".

Tried to get him to counselling once, but it was my brain that needed looking at - not his, if I only - cheered up, had more sex, looked better - everything would be fine!!

After another spoilt "special day" was very calm in telling him "this is it", I am tired, I am fed up of the bad language, shouting, abuse, what the girls listen to. I think he realised I meant it because now he is in floods of tear, telling me we mean everything to him, I am the best thing that has ever happend to him, he has only tried his best for us all. Yep - still nowhere to go - so no caving again, thinking it can work, things can get better. How can I prove anything, surely its my fault as well?

I dream one day I will have my chance.

"I think this is true of a lot of these men. They have such a deluded self image that they truly believe that they are the ones hard done by."

Agree with that one.

And thankgod..no it's not just you.

Counselling just doesn't work with these guys because they aren't approaching it the right way. To them, it's just somebody else to control.

Can identify with lots of 'dominator' traits here too,especially shouts,sulks,never tells you you look good,controls money.
I t is wonderful to be able to put a name to all this shit,tbh.

thanks LEMAGAIN and everybody else. Well update...after yesterdays ructions he phoned on his way home from work and says shall we go somewhere nice for dinner. Then he came in with a beautiful Mothers Day card which said really lovely things and a lovely present. He said sorry for messing upyesterday but maintained that it hdn't been deliberate, just an oversight (he already contradicts himself as yesterday when I challenged him he said it was just sentimental bullshit, not that he had forgotten). We have dinner and try to talk but of course it all goes wrong (he is currently describing the episode as me "screaming at him for three hours" while he "tried to make things better". This is patently untrue. No I did not want to let him off the hook and was not prepared to let him wash it off with a card and pressie but I certainly did not scream at him for three hours. I actually mnaged to audio record 25 minutes of him humiliating me and calling me paranoid (over the card thing) whre he danced arund the room while putting me down very passive aggressively. But to be honest in its usual way, it isn't the nastiest stuff. I may transcribe it just to see how it looks in B&W.
Anyway, the way things stand we have agreed to "separate" (live on different floors of the house just sharing a bathroom and kitchen. I feel completely fucked up.

I said if there was just one condition it would be that he didn't use horrible stuff against me in arguments, specifically not to undermine my parenting skills. He said he wuld do that.... providing I adhered to his condition too. His condition? "to stop being relly horrible and nasty and aggressive ALL the time"...i am just beyond pain.

oh, he also said he had been keeping a diary of my "misdemeanours" whilst looking after the baby. This included being drunk on 2 occasions. He said "to unconsciousness" which is absolutely shite. he has since retracted this and said it is only in his head - not on paper. Like it makes a difference.

Just a rant from me now - feeling shaky after phone conv with XH...

I always let him visit the children in my house as we live too far from him now for them to go and see him in a weekend, so I move out and stay with my mum every couple of weeks so that he can stay with them (am I still being a pushover ).

He shows no respect for my house. He sleeps in my bed even though I have asked him not to, he scratches my pans and puts all his dirty washing in my washing basket for me to wash without even asking. Last week he drew in felt tip pen all over my calendar to highlight that his birthday was coming up , and obliterating an appoinment, which I missed cos i couldn't see it. Have just had a phone conversation in which i tackled him...

XH 'well I have to remind you of these things, there has been a long history of you forgetting my birthday.'
Me 'I have NEVER forgotten your birthday,
XH 'You certainly haven't celebrated it, you have always just done the minimum.'
ME 'Just for the record we are separated and whilst I will help the children to remember it I don't have any obligation to celebrate it myself now?!
XH 'you ignored it last year' (we were already separated)
Me 'Did I bs, I got the children to make you cards and homemade chocolates....'

He has zero respect for the truth and will say any old rubbish to win an argument. At least I don't get it 24 hours a day any more, just enough to remind me how much I hate having to defend myself all the time. .

Really interesting thread, just thought I'd say hello, I had a thread about this last year and lots of people came and said wonderfully helpful and supportive things to me but its very hard and I am still here and it is still going on, alternating with bouts of normality!

Several posts ring so true - Janos says how other people say "well I wouldn't stand for that" which makes you wonder what they do that you can't?

sickofthisrain - all sounds familiar and a there was a post I can't find now about being interrogated over where the sugar bowl should be in the kitchen- been there, so unbelievable!

Anyway, positive thoughts to all.

i know what you mean i was with someone that made me and my kids feel shit, when i went out to see my mom i got questioned what i spent my money on and told it was a waste and i could only take little amounts with me but they told me i give u all me money sweetheart did fuck but thats what hed say in front of my mum he would controll me what i wore what i said but then say u can do want u want im only saying call all of my friends slags and when they called shout abuse so i stopped answering phone calls then he would argue with me and then in the next breath be kind like nothing happened etc etc try to controll my kids like try to stop their friends coming over and when they knocked on the door would hide it and if my kids asked who it was hed say no one hed tell my sons friends to phone a few days in advance if they wanted to call call my son names behind my back smile when he got told off shout in my sons face i used to hate coming home my kids would hide in their bedrooms and i would throw away anythin i had brought so we wouldnt argue in the end i igored most things cause didnt want to srgue tired and depressed and thought it was my fault for being thick i only relised it wasnt when i read on the internet about blokes like him and i wasnt alone i could cook wasnt thick and i didnt let people walk all over me like he said and my mates werent out to spilt us up and he still denies what hes done

just reading back i was told i was lazy( i was on my feet all day washing ironing kids hoover etc while he sat on his arse. i was told all the time i was forgetfull and i need his help. all he did was bullshit on the phone or to people and i was always told im never forgetfull u need to do this to remember..... but then i could remember all his lies so couldnt of been that forgetfull???

Hello all,

My DH said he kept a log too, I was very scared because I had lost so much confidence over the years. (together 17 years)

I found it very difficult to make a decison to leave. That indecision was a dreadful time in my life. I knew he was emotionally abusive but I thought there must be something wrong with me. Of course I wanted the DC to have their dad living at home. But also deep-down I knew I had to look after my own sanity in order to look after the DC well.

One thing I did that gave me answers to the question "is he abusive or is it me being over-sensitive" was Instead of trying to explain myself during an outburst I would make myself quite still so I could become very aware of the moment I was in so I could 'notice' the spirit in which he was talking to me.

Also, I began to notice a look of 'fire' in his eyes. Maybe it had always been there, but I really started to see it... and I didn't like it one bit! That was 3 years ago, I have changed enormously and the DC are happier.

Gremlin - your post struck a cord with the words "bouts of normality". I have them where I am lured into a false sense of security, start relaxing and feeling better when......... WHAM ........... I get picked up over 1 thing - like "how the hell did you manage to break that glass" me "it was an accident, I dropped it" him "well you shouldn't have held it that way/put it in that cupboard/walked across the room with it" then all of a sudden what I felt was a "good period" gets pulled apart with everyting I have said remembered in a different context and used against me. But the "bouts of normallity" keep me going, I keep hoping things will even out, I swear he knows this to stop me actually getting the courage to admit this to the outside world and leave.

this is not normally get out i thought it was just " me" but it wasnt they have a good way of turnin things around and my ex is still tryin to and doesnt see any of it as his fault and says he misses us all its all lies and part of their abuse and controlling behavior i hate him for what he done to my kids and me and im soooo happy i got rid and its a huge relef that my kids and i are FREE ( almost)

My ex still does not see any wrong doing on his part either. I don't think he ever will. So from that I realise if he was still living at home then he would still make out I was mad/over-sensitive/, he would still be emotionally and verbally abusive, and I think I would be very sick by now

minutely questioning inconsequential details and making out you are a liar

wasting your time by being hours late for arrangements, and uncontactable -as a matter of course

implying you are lucky he does not hit you

telling you you are stupid, boring and nothing special

saying, meaning you & your behaviour, "considering all i have to put up with" but refusing to explain what exactly

not letting you sleep in another room on the floor although he snores and you get no sleep - it is "disrespectful" of you to sleep elsewhere. or at all, apparently.

saying "foremost in your mind should be my convenience" when you are trying to get some sleep because you have turned up knackered every day to your new job but he wants to stay up drinking

making you go into town to the pub when you want to stay in because he wants to drink and has no money although you have just got back from your grandma's funeral and are exhausted and sad. Refusing to let you talk about her in the pub because it has nothing to do with him and it bores him.

Making out your friends have some horrible agenda against him and are not to be trusted - it is disloyalty to have friends.

No christmas presents.

Being grumpy when you can't walk fast - to the pub, to meet his friends - when you are cramping after MAP. Not letting you go home instead although you feel like shit and there will be nowhere to sit down.

Coming home after a humiliating experience (not his fault, not yours either) and raping you, because it will make him feel better.

Somehow making it impossible for you to talk to anyone about these things so everyone thinks he is a great guy even your own friends.