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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

should I report my dh?

281 replies

needhelp09 · 22/02/2009 20:21

I'm looking for some advice. I have a 3 year old ds is who is often willfully defiant and this drives my dh completely mad, so much so that he loses his temper and hits out at my ds.

An incident occurred today when ds was on the naughty step and would not sit down. Dh insisted he sat down as part of the punishment and then when he wouldn't, struck ds across of the face! He left a red mark.

I don't really know what to do next. Should I have called the police? I am afraid to involve ss, because I have heard they can do more harm than good. I'm worried they may think I am over reacting.

I told dh that hitting the face is assault and is extremely serious and could end him up in alot of trouble. He doesn't seem to care. We are not talking at the moment, because I feel furious and betrayed by him for hurting our precious ds. I don't know how he could do it. I could never hit ds, no matter how angry I was, and would always walk away from any situation before it got that far. I feel I have let ds down, by not protecting him when he needed me.

OP posts:
Ewe · 22/02/2009 20:22

Oh god, I don't have any clue what to suggest but am very sorry to hear this hope someone with some relevant experience comes along.

PerArduaAdNauseum · 22/02/2009 20:23

I can't think how to answer this - bumping for you

mankymummy · 22/02/2009 20:23

if he thinks it is acceptable to hit a 3 year old across the face i would chuck him out.

right now.

Twims · 22/02/2009 20:25

I WOULDN'T contact the police.

However I would make it very clear that I did not trust him with my DS and that as such he will have minimal contact with DS until I felt that he could be trusted I would also insist on anger management classes or parenting classes (run by surestart centres)

GypsyMoth · 22/02/2009 20:25

If he hit a 23 year old then he'd be up on an assault charge,but a 3 year old? Re-read your post. Then act.

Lulumama · 22/02/2009 20:26

i think hitting a child in the face is awful

your 3 yr old is 'wilfully defiant' , that is what 3 year olds do, and hitting them in the face is not appropriate or even anything that would be on most parents' radar

if your DH is unable to control his temper, then he needs to take steps with that

if you involve the police, then it could make or break things for you

i suppose it depends on whether you think it would be a useful thing, in terms of eitehr makeing DH see that this is not acceptable, or in him leaving the relationship

what do you feel you would gain by involving the police? a warning? prosecution? someone else to amek DH see this is unacceptable?

if he won;t talk bout it, then i can see you would want a way to make him discuss it

does he have anger issues, or do you think this is a once in a lifetime never to be repeated terrible occurence?

insertwittynicknameHERE · 22/02/2009 20:26

TBH if it were me I would leave DH if he loses his temper so much that he hits out at the DC anywhere on their body.

Not saying that you should but your DH needs to know and understand that what he did was wrong. Sounds like he needs anger management of some sort TBH.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 22/02/2009 20:26

I don't know, not having had experience of this, but my instinct is that I could not be with a man who would not only hit a three year old across the face, but not be incredibly remorseful for doing it.
Has he got an anger problem in general or is this out of character for him?
In your position I would force him to talk it out - I couldn't live with knowing that my DH felt it acceptable to physically punish children for what sounds like fairly normal toddler defiance.

ComeWhineWithMe · 22/02/2009 20:27

I would not contact the police but I would have him out of the house he needs to realise that you will not stand by and watch a 3 year old be hurt.

I would also make him do what Twims suggests RE parenting classes .

ComeWhineWithMe · 22/02/2009 20:27

I would not contact the police but I would have him out of the house he needs to realise that you will not stand by and watch a 3 year old be hurt.

I would also make him do what Twims suggests RE parenting classes .

Lilyloo · 22/02/2009 20:29

I would take ds and leave until i had time to think things through. Or ask him to leave.
He needs to know how serious you feel about this.
I would then tell him he needs to get some help for his anger before you can think of leaving ds in his care again.
I personally would try these tactics first before involving ss or police.

How does he feel about what happened ? Is he remorseful ?

Hassled · 22/02/2009 20:29

Is this the first time this has happened?

If it were me my DS and I would be off like a shot. Can you live your life waiting for the next time? 3 year olds can be bloody hard work - there definately will be a next time. I think you need to think long and hard about this - because by staying, you are exposing your DS to some risk.

Original poster
needhelp09 · 22/02/2009 20:29

I am starting the surestart parenting course myself in a few weeks. I wanted dh to come but it is during the day, when he is at work. I am trying to find evening parenting courses, but I am having little success. I just hope I he will read the information I get from the course.

OP posts:
Meglet · 22/02/2009 20:30

If I was in your situation I think the relationship would almost be over. I'm sorry if that sounds brutal, but that fact that your DH doesn't seem to understand how awful it is makes it even worse. I also think that if your DS is hit by his dad then he might start lashing out himself. So sorry for you .

LynetteScavo · 22/02/2009 20:30

Personally I wouldn't involve the police or SS.

I would however be very keen for your DH to go on some sort of anger management course.

Surely he can see what he has done is wrong?

DogMa · 22/02/2009 20:30

What would your DH do if you slapped your DS across the face?

Lilyloo · 22/02/2009 20:32

I am not really sure your dh reading the material you bring home is going to help at this stage.

Is he sorry for what he has done or does he think it was justified ?

Original poster
needhelp09 · 22/02/2009 20:32

this is not an isolated case, sadly. This is the second time it has occurred. We can't go on like this I am scared for us all.

I am a sahm. Although my parents live near, I can't go to them, as they think the sun shines out of my dh. I don't have any friends around here, that I am close enough to that I could stay with either. So I feel rather trapped here.

OP posts:
Miyazaki · 22/02/2009 20:33

oh god, how awful for you. is this the very first time he's lost his temper like this? ever, ever?

is there anything else going on?

Lilyloo · 22/02/2009 20:33

Would they think so if you told them what he had done ?

Miyazaki · 22/02/2009 20:33

x post. he has hit your son before? or you?

drlove8 · 22/02/2009 20:34

id phone police. hitting a child isnt right.- hitting a 3yr old accross thr face is abuse!.i wouldnt give your dh a second thought, he deserves none. its your responsibility as a mother to protect your child from abuse, even from that childs other parent.do not stand by doing nothing, your child is looking to you for help. your dh is a monster- get rid!

Lulumama · 22/02/2009 20:35

he needs to accept his behaviour is wrong and learn to cope/to walk away. you cannot hit a toddler in the face.

the fact he has done it before is more worrying, he needs to get help

you also need to consdier carefully what you do, if you issue an ultimatum and then don;t see it through, it will lose any power

i a msure no matter what your parents think of him, if you told them he hit your DS in the face twice, they would think differently

Original poster
needhelp09 · 22/02/2009 20:35

Sorry he has hit ds across the face before, in a fit of temper. It was about 6 months ago.

I think he does feel remorse because he wouldn't come out with us today and said he would ruin the day. I had to get my ds and dd out of the house.

OP posts:
Meglet · 22/02/2009 20:37

womens aid, domestic violence advice for women and children.

www.womensaid.org.uk

never used them, but heard good stuff about them on here.