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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

should I report my dh?

281 replies

needhelp09 · 22/02/2009 20:21

I'm looking for some advice. I have a 3 year old ds is who is often willfully defiant and this drives my dh completely mad, so much so that he loses his temper and hits out at my ds.

An incident occurred today when ds was on the naughty step and would not sit down. Dh insisted he sat down as part of the punishment and then when he wouldn't, struck ds across of the face! He left a red mark.

I don't really know what to do next. Should I have called the police? I am afraid to involve ss, because I have heard they can do more harm than good. I'm worried they may think I am over reacting.

I told dh that hitting the face is assault and is extremely serious and could end him up in alot of trouble. He doesn't seem to care. We are not talking at the moment, because I feel furious and betrayed by him for hurting our precious ds. I don't know how he could do it. I could never hit ds, no matter how angry I was, and would always walk away from any situation before it got that far. I feel I have let ds down, by not protecting him when he needed me.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/02/2009 21:39

Your home should be a sanctuary to your children. At present to your son at least it is not a sanctuary, far from it.

You mention denial; I think you have been in denial up till now as you have not wanted to face the realities of the situation.

Original poster
needhelp09 · 22/02/2009 21:41

AttilaTheMeerkat - this is going to sound pathetic, but I really I am afraid to face reality, as I fear I may not cope on my own, if that's what it comes to.

OP posts:
LoneStranger · 22/02/2009 21:46

You dont sound pathetic, the fear you are feeling very real and understandable. A rational fear of the unknown. You clearly love your DS very very much, and once you have made the decision to face and confront this head on a mechanism will kick in that enables you to make the right decisions and to deal with this to achive a positive outsome. You are strong even to admit your fear and shows that you are moving away from the denial.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/02/2009 21:46

I think you could cope admirably on your own if it came to that. The fear of the unknown is just that, fear. But fear is often worse than the reality.

There is no justification whatsoever for your H's actions towards your son. Maybe he was punished like this by his own Dad but that does make that at all acceptable. Two wrongs do not make a right.

What if your H hits your son again in a pique of temper, what then for him and you not just to say your other child?.

You shouldn't have to be the ones to leave; he needs to leave the house.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/02/2009 21:48

You can move away from the denial if you choose to do so.

Original poster
needhelp09 · 22/02/2009 21:51

I also feel guilty. I married dh 'for better, for worse' Maybe this is just the worse bit and it will get better. I don't want to rush a decision I might regret later on. This affects not just us but so many others in the family and especially the dc's. Lone parents appear to be looked down on in my family (dailymail readers, need I say more!)

OP posts:
Jux · 22/02/2009 21:58

Those are religious vows. Ask any vicar or priest - 'worse' does not include abuse. Nor did your son make a vow of any sort.

mankymummy · 22/02/2009 22:00

whats happening with your DS?

you are talking about him and you... but how is DS?

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 22/02/2009 22:02

Yes, you married your husband "for better and for worse" but you have a child which is unconditional, they come first.

I think that your husband needs help to control his temper, if he doesn't get help or do something to stop his anger and lashing out at you / your son, it can be a slipperly slope.

You cannot live in fear, and neither can your son.

mankymummy · 22/02/2009 22:02

does it matter more that people may be looking down on you or that your DS grows up in an environment without fear.

if the house is yours, ask him to leave until you are able to resolve the issue... at the very least.

Original poster
needhelp09 · 22/02/2009 22:10

sorry got to go now as dh looking over my shoulder. gah! Thanks for all your help, will check in in the morning

OP posts:
dastardlynmuchwee · 22/02/2009 22:13

jesus? Is this genuine? If you stay with this man you are culpable and complicit in this abuse. He sounds pathetic. Get rid and quick.

MollieO · 22/02/2009 22:13

You need to do what others have advised and photograph the mark and make a contemporanious record of what happened.

You said this "My dh has never hit me. I always said if any man raised a hand to me they would be out the door."

Imo your dh hitting your ds is worse than him hitting you so you should be acting accordingly. This isn't the first time so you need to act to resolve this once and for all.

Your ds is being abused by your dh. When do you decide to act on it? Now or when he hurts your ds or dd and they end up in hospital? Twice already is two times too much. Whatever your parents think of your dh if they love their gc I am sure that they would be horrified that you haven't told them to save face. Good luck in making the right choice. Ime all 3yr olds are challenging and that doesn't change overnight.

Helen31 · 22/02/2009 22:43

Needhelp - so sorry to hear about your situation. I may be stating the obvious, but it is against the law for a parent to hit their child so hard that it leaves a mark. I thought it might help you to be clear that society as reflected in our laws thinks what your dh has done is absolutely wrong.

There is also some info on the NSPCC website about encouraging better behaviour in children without smacking - may be helpful to you in reassuring you that your approach is on the right track.

Best of luck needhelp, you will need all your strength and support from people around you.

Bigpants1 · 22/02/2009 23:30

Please ask your husband to stay somewhere else for a few days, so that you can think clearly.This situation isnt healthy for anyone and sounds very volatile.It is absolutely NOT ok to hit your son(or any child),in this manner.We can all smack in sheer frustation at times, but your H has crossed the line.What is also worrying, is his justification and lack of remorse, which makes it more than likely IMO that it will happen again.How could you ever leave your son in his fathers care without you? Look back at what you have written-this is not just about hitting-your H has a temper he cannot control- he barks orders at your son-he thinks your parenting is crap...Your son is 3, and 3yr olds say NO a lot, and can be hard work(i have one).What if eg your son had a behavioual difficulty-I cannot imagine your H having the patience to deal with that, unless he gets some outside help-you CANNOT help him, but you can INSIST he does something to address this NOW.You have a DS? What happens when she reaches the terrible twos and finds that magic word,NO? do you think he will react any differently to her?This situation with your son and H will become a vicious circle-the more your H barks orders at him and is impatient and trys to control his behaviour, the more your son will act-out, cos he will become more and more anxious. It is your duty to protect your children and that includes from their father-would you tolerate YOUR father hitting your son- how does he treat your son? This is sounding harsh, and I feel for you, but mostly I feel for your son. In cases of abuse that make the news, I have long stopped feeling sorry for the non-abuser-in my eyes, if you know someone is hurting your child and do nothing to protect them, you are just as culpable. Your son needs you- he has no choice in the situation, you do.Lastly, you seem to be worrying what your parents will think, what society will think.At the end of the day,the only person you have to answer to, is your son,(and dd-who must hear and see what is going on).You sound like a really caring mum who is clearly aware the situation isnt right, and unhappy with it. Take the advice of W Aid, think what you want, and make you and your children happy.

FriarKewcumber · 22/02/2009 23:40

"I have a 3 year old ds is who is often willfully defiant" - would it be at all helpful to point out to your DH that your DS appears to be following his father then...

FriarKewcumber · 22/02/2009 23:41

always seems ironic that somepeople cannot control their temper whilst trying to teach their children to control their impulses.

morningsun · 23/02/2009 00:00

feel a bit worried for the op if her dh reads this
why did she have to come off,becos he would be angry?

Twinklemegan · 23/02/2009 00:08

It strikes me that if you were to inform the police or ss then you will be putting yourself in a position where you'll have to choose between your DH and your son - one presumes there wouldn't be a choice to make, but are you ready for that just yet? I for one wouldn't be contacting the authorities, because in this day and age I would be incredibly fearful of where that could lead.

I agree with other posters who have said you should minimise contact between your DH and your DS until he gets himself some help. If that doesn't work then reconsider your options. What a horrible situation - very sorry for you.

shabster · 23/02/2009 00:31

My DS1 (now 27 years old and a WONDERFUL first time daddy) was mentally hurt by my husband, his daddy - we are still together. When he was 15 he grew taller than his Dad....that week my husband raised his fists to my DS........I found strength from somewhere and 'stopped' the physical violence before it even started - I physically and verbally stopped the situation. This situation will not improve....one wrong physical moment between Dad and Son and there is a possibility that your DS could be very badly injured - or worse. Think carefully what you are doing....I agree with a previous poster that to hit your child is a million, billion times worse than hitting you.....and hitting you is an absolute, utter disgrace.

shabster · 23/02/2009 00:34

....might I add that I am sometimes ashamed that we are still married...although the relationship is massively improved between my son and his dad. I was, at one time, unable to make a decision about my marriage and hoverd around not knowing what to do. Knowing what I know now there would be no tolerance of any verbal or physical violence.

blinks · 23/02/2009 01:39

if left to fester, this situation WILL get worse. you can rely on that.

your obligation as a mother is to your children, not your marriage or your parents.

you are now knowingly exposing them to violence and by not protecting them by removing them or your husband, you are adding to the abuse.

this is not an issue of strictness or structured discipline.

we are talking about someone striking the face of a toddler on purpose. it's also happened more than once.

your feelings towards your husband will obviously cloud the issue but the fact remains that if SS knew about this, there would be very serious repurcussions.

you have a chance here to do the right thing.

only YOU can do this. your children's safety relies on your bravery and action.

the key word here is ACTION. don't disable yourself by analysing all angles of it.

the house is in you name so you are in a good position.

act soon or you will regret it for the rest of your life.

Original poster
needhelp09 · 23/02/2009 08:15

Back again! Sorry I had to go last night as dh was there and I didn't want him to read everything. We haven't spoken since last night, when I told him that it was my responsibility to protect the children and now he has gone to work without saying goodbye to any of us, very childish, I believe!

He has taken the car so I have no means of transport to get to my parents, who live in a small town with no buses from here! I'm dreading having to involve my parents, as I wanted to try and sort this myself, but it seems that I can't without support.

It is either go to the gp's this evening or contact WA and see if I can stay there. I know nothing of WA and I am very scared to stay somewhere, where I know no one and is not my home. Does anyone know about staying with WA?

Stupidly I feel I can't kick dh out either, I don't know where he would go. All his family live thousands of miles away and he only has work colleagues here.

I asked ds how he was this morning and he said he was 'a bit upset about daddy' Broke my heart I will have to do something now.

OP posts:
Ineedmorechocolatenow · 23/02/2009 08:26

Oh my goodness. I think you need to kick out DH. He can find somewhere to go - even if it's a hotel. Your priority has to be your kids, regardless of your vows to your husband. The other posters are right, your DS took no vows and is being made to suffer. Your children need to feel safe in their own home. DH needs to be the one to leave, for their sake. They don't need any more disruption..

Your husband needs to see the severity of the consequences of the way he has acted.

So sorry you are going through this by the way.

cashmeremafia · 23/02/2009 08:28

drlove8 is right. I have also had a childhood filled with being hit, being dragged through room, hit with a shoe, hit with newspaper, a stick, anything that was to hand. I wasn't even in school then. My mother did nothing until I hiccuped from sobbing, I still her for it. I still my father and I don't trust them with my dd.

So OP, your DH just has a temper that rise and lets him hit out. What a great guy. And you have 2 kids, right? Both of which will grow up and be willful and defiant and have their own personalities that you cannot control and subdue.

While I think police, ss and such like is a tad over the top at this point, hitting a 3 (!!!) year old in the face is despicable and not being sorry for it is really awful. If you are a good mother you should be protecting your children from this violent man who shows no remorse for his wrongdoings. I would have a very one way chat about this with your H and draw a line. If he ever crosses that line I would unleash police and ss on him.

Personally I think you know that he will do it again. I just hope it won't be you who has to suffer from being beaten one day. I wish you good luck but I don't think you'll find it in this relationship.