needhelp09
I just want to check with you if things are really OK now? Your post got 281 replies, so you can see how worried everyone was.
I think essentially, we all believe your DH went too far. There is a difference between physical punishment that is reasonable, such as smacking on the hand in controlled manner (if this is the method you have chosen) and hitting a child accross the face enough to cause a red mark whilst arguing with the child. The latter is abusive and more about DH not coping and taking his anger out on DS. As this is second time he has done it, you are right to be worried that DH is becoming abusive to your 3 year old. He may not be intending to, but he is.
What will he do when DS really starts to back answer? As all normal children too, to test the boundaries, when they hit 4 and 5 and 6.... it gets harder believe me. The way DH needs to deal with it, is to learn different parenting skills so he has more choice at the time at how he can deal wit it, when he is getting frustrated. SOmetimes that's about knowing you're losing it, stepping back and saying "Right I'm going to talk to mummy/daddy about the consequences of what you are doing right now" and walking away until you calm down.
You are right to step in now and tell him to stop or you will have to do something about it. Can he approach your GP for anger management and find out about local parenting classes? It is not a sign of failure- no one gives us an instruction manual with children and they & we are all so different.
I am absolutely outraged for you at your parents response. Previous generations did use physical punishment more often but that should never excuse someone lashing out at a child in anger.
I think two things. The naughty step can be confrontational if the child doesnt stay on the step or the adult carries on arguing. I prefer to use time out, sending child to another room to sit read/whatever for a minute per year they are old (3 years = 3 minutes), and I tell my children this is for mummy or daddy to calm down too as well as for them to calm down and have a think. I also think you are trying to deal with it "in house" and I understand that as you clearly love DH and dont want to let things get out of control. However, children do talk - at nursery, school, playground..- and what would you feel if DH told someone the mark on his face was from Daddy hiting him? They are required by law to report it. If DH hits your DS again and leaves another mark or a bruise, then the authorities (childrens' services/GP/HV) would have every reason to get involved. As his mother, you do need to protect your child. So if DH ever does it again, you may not have the choice of it being you who deals with it.
I would impress that on DH and the importance of his dealing with how he reacts in future now- it's not just you who is concerned. You have a duty to protect your child and you must take action next time. Please step in, ask DH to walk away and go straight to your GP/HV if he ever does it again, to get DH and your children some help. I genuinely believe the HV/ GP/ Social (childrens') services wouldnt want to take a child away from a concerned mother who takes action to protect her children and a loving father who admits he needs help. (I know other people may have different views and people tend not to trust the authorities interfering in their personal lives. But the childrens act is legislation there for good reason and the professionals in those fields are human beings too who want to help children and their parents).
I hope it doesnt come to that and I really wish you support and love to deal with this, as I can hear how torn you feel.
Thinking of you, xxx