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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

should I report my dh?

281 replies

needhelp09 · 22/02/2009 20:21

I'm looking for some advice. I have a 3 year old ds is who is often willfully defiant and this drives my dh completely mad, so much so that he loses his temper and hits out at my ds.

An incident occurred today when ds was on the naughty step and would not sit down. Dh insisted he sat down as part of the punishment and then when he wouldn't, struck ds across of the face! He left a red mark.

I don't really know what to do next. Should I have called the police? I am afraid to involve ss, because I have heard they can do more harm than good. I'm worried they may think I am over reacting.

I told dh that hitting the face is assault and is extremely serious and could end him up in alot of trouble. He doesn't seem to care. We are not talking at the moment, because I feel furious and betrayed by him for hurting our precious ds. I don't know how he could do it. I could never hit ds, no matter how angry I was, and would always walk away from any situation before it got that far. I feel I have let ds down, by not protecting him when he needed me.

OP posts:
insertwittynicknameHERE · 23/02/2009 09:15

needhelp, it is a horrible situation you are in, but please for your DS's (and DD's) sake you need to do something. Either ask your husband to move out for a while so you can think straight or go to your parents. They are your parents and I am sure they will support you when you tell them what your husband has done.

You cannot let your DS or either of your DC grow up in an environment where they are fearful of one of the people who should be there to protect and love them unconditionally.

Please don't be more worried about what other people will think, your DS needs you, you are the only one who can help him feel safe and loved.

morningsun · 23/02/2009 09:30

can you ring your parents NOW and tell them something bad has happened and can they come and either take you back to theirs or stay with you to talk it through and support you for a couple of days.

my guess is your dh has the upper hand in your relationship and is in charge and thats why you can't envisage change~becos of his reaction

ljhooray · 23/02/2009 09:42

So sorry for your situation, I'm sure like everyone here, we're all here on MN whenever you need to talk. Would agree with many on here, not sure Police would do much good however if he has not shown willing to get help or come to parenting classes as you have indicated, for the sake of yourself and your dcs you may need to seriously consider ending this relationship. A close friend of mine did exactly that, in fact she tells me that if it weren't for his temper, when he wasn;t angry, thesemmingly had the perfect marriage and everyone thought he was great too (just as you described). But for her, othing could compensate for his behaviour towards her dcs and she left him. Her children are adults now and 2 lovlier people you couldn't wish to meet. They are now fully aware of dad's behaviour and havea good realtionship with him but recognise that it was right that he wasn't in teh home with them as children.
I can't imagine how difficult this must be but you do not deserve this, but you can do something about it. Be strong and we're all here for you.

blinks · 23/02/2009 09:44

don't protect him from the consequences of HIS behaviour.

that's what you're doing by letting him stay.

if he has to leave the house, that's HIS fault. he is a grown adult and you are mothering him.

stop it.

you're feeding into the cycle of abuse.

Katisha · 23/02/2009 09:48

Perhaps you should let him read the thread? Then he could see that most people take it very seriously.
Personallly I'm not sure you are in a cycle of abuse yet, but you do need to nip it in the bud.

morningsun · 23/02/2009 09:49

if its difficult to think what to do and its long reaching consequences,see it as a short break away
from your dh while his actions and attitude to parenting is sorted out

He didn't get YOUR permission to hit ds did he~he knows your views and he didn't care

So don't wait for HIS permission to take your own action

morningsun · 23/02/2009 09:53

At the very least tell a friend or your parents about it in RL~ this makes it real and holds him to account a bit~he will be MUCH less likely to do similar if people have known about it and disapproved and are watching him accordingly
and it gives you a bit more power

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/02/2009 09:58

"Stupidly I feel I can't kick dh out either, I don't know where he would go".

Frankly that is not your problem. He'll find somewhere. You cannot enable your H by protecting him from the consequences of his actions. You have enabled him to date.

Your house is at present a warzone not a sanctuary for your children. Your children, particularly your son, are afraid of him as are you deep down. No wonder he's angry - he's likely thinking, "why me?".

"He has taken the car so I have no means of transport to get to my parents, who live in a small town with no buses from here!

He has made you more isolated which was probably his intention in the first place. Isolation is also a form of control.

"I'm dreading having to involve my parents, as I wanted to try and sort this myself, but it seems that I can't without support".

You need to focus on the fact that your H has hit your son twice now, two times too many. There cannot be a third time, you cannot give H the opportunity to strike your son again in temper.

You cannot sort this out period let alone with support. You are not H's rescuer and or saviour. You can only protect your own children as well as yourself. They have no say or choice, you do.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/02/2009 09:58

Do not let him read this thread either.

ljhooray · 23/02/2009 10:06

Agreed, don't let him read this post, think it's best this is your sounding board. Agree with MOrningsun and Attilathe meerkat, its about redressing the power balance. Sounds like he has done many things to ensure he is in control but you can change this. He may have made you feel like this (which is classic abuse cycle) but even though it may not feel like it, you have a choice. H's behaviour and teh consqeuences for it are his making, not yours and certainly not ds. DS needs to see this is not acecptable but he can't do it himself, you can.

Katisha · 23/02/2009 10:09

OK I take back my thought about him reading the thread in light of other posters - was just a thought.

Original poster
needhelp09 · 23/02/2009 10:14

I have just rung my mum and she is coming over this afternoon.

OP posts:
Helen31 · 23/02/2009 10:19

Needhelp - well done on phoning your mum - have you told her why you need her to come over? I know you were worried about whether she would take DH's side in one of your earlier posts. Really hoping this is a sign that you're getting the RL support you desperately need.

Jux · 23/02/2009 10:20

I'll say it again. Your boy is not wilfully defiant, he is 3. Get this right out of your head now.

Your daughter is going to learn to keep on the right side of daddy so she doesn't get hit like her big brother.

They will both spend most of their adult lives as broken human beings, with luck in therapy.

Sort this out once and for all and stop making excuses.

You sound like you're scared of him too. Are you? If you are, I apologise for being harsh. If you're not, what is your excuse?

morningsun · 23/02/2009 10:20

thats really good needhelp well done
tell her whats happened without apologising for yourself and see what her reaction is.
of course it may take her a bit to process it if she has no idea he could do this.

OrmIrian · 23/02/2009 10:24

What bothers me is that he isn't remorseful.

I will confess to smacking very occassionally in temper. But I have been instantly remorseful and aware just how terribly I had behaved.

Do you think the argument with you just hardened his stance and he is just being awkward and refusing to back down even though he is actually ashamed?

morningsun · 23/02/2009 10:25

make it clear what has happened is FACT
and you need support on your side as you will not tolerate this EVER happening again

if she sticks up for him too much tell her that is not what you called her for and you will have to call someone else if she won't listen

morningsun · 23/02/2009 10:28

yes ormirian he may be ashamed and misguided and stubborn rather than a systematically cruel person
But he thinks he's right and this must be sorted now

OrmIrian · 23/02/2009 10:35

AH. Clearly not

Helen31 · 23/02/2009 10:36

That's good advice Morningsun.

Needhelp - if you haven't already told your mum, would it help you to try to write down here how you plan to tell her in a factual way?

onlywantsone · 23/02/2009 10:38

you must sort this out - do not let your DH get away with acting like this. It is shocking.

Niftyblue · 23/02/2009 10:55

Your H is bang out of order
Not speaking to him cos of it Is wrong too you should of ripped shreds of him for doing it and he should be holding his head down with SHAME

So what his family live miles away and would have no where to go hes a big boy your DS is`nt

You need to make it CLEAR to him that in no uncertain terms are you going to let this happen again

if he can`t cope with a 3 year old being like a 3 year old WHATS he going to be like when your DS starts to push the boundries when he gets older ????

All the best talking to your mum today

blinks · 23/02/2009 10:56

good luck.

stick to your guns and stay motivated.

morningsun · 23/02/2009 11:04

how are you needhelp,busy with your dcs i should think.

It can be hard when something bad happens becos we look into the future and think about how the dcs will feel,how dh will react,where will everyone live,what about dhs work if you took it as a formal report etc etc.

So stay in the present,

keep it simple,no more hitting or smacking of any kind.
parenting classes or acceptance and learning about respect for you and the dcs and positive parenting.

i may be off track here but even if your dh is a professional of some sort,his behaviour is wrong and needs to change.

Original poster
needhelp09 · 23/02/2009 13:11

Just updating. Sorry had to get ds from preschool. My mum is on her way, am just getting ready to tell her.

Although I told my dad about the situation and his response was 'I can't believe dh would ever hurt ds he is a brilliant father' which is much as I expected. On the face of it dh looks and sounds like a great father, very good with dc's when gp's are around and has a stable professional job and a nice extended family. Behind close doors, he just loses it though and turns unrecognisable from his professional persona. It's like a red mist occurs in front of dh, especially when ds retaliates.

I started crying on the phone about the situation to my dad and he told me to have a chat with my mum. I don't think he likes me crying at him (he is quite an old fashioned dad really)

He also blamed dh's arab genes saying that they tend to sound more angry than they really are. I said it is never right to hit a child whatever race/culture you are.

My dad says we just need to sit down and discuss it together as adults and come to a compromise. But he will have a word with my dh if we can't sort it out. I know my dad is trying to be impartial, but I really wish he wouldn't make it out that what dh has done is ok.

My mum will be here soon so will have sign off again for a while. She is bringing the her car and car seats for the dc's, just in case I feel the need to get away. Dad has probably already told her some of our phone conversation. TBH I think my mum will side with my dad anyway. Looks like I will have to just deal with it on my own.

OP posts: