should I report my dh?

[needhelp09]

I'm looking for some advice. I have a 3 year old ds is who is often willfully defiant and this drives my dh completely mad, so much so that he loses his temper and hits out at my ds.

An incident occurred today when ds was on the naughty step and would not sit down. Dh insisted he sat down as part of the punishment and then when he wouldn't, struck ds across of the face! He left a red mark.

I don't really know what to do next. Should I have called the police? I am afraid to involve ss, because I have heard they can do more harm than good. I'm worried they may think I am over reacting.

I told dh that hitting the face is assault and is extremely serious and could end him up in alot of trouble. He doesn't seem to care. We are not talking at the moment, because I feel furious and betrayed by him for hurting our precious ds. I don't know how he could do it. I could never hit ds, no matter how angry I was, and would always walk away from any situation before it got that far. I feel I have let ds down, by not protecting him when he needed me.

Is this the first sign that you have given your parents that things are not right at home? That you are unhappy with your DH's temper?

I hope that your parents just need a bit of time to amalgamate the two sides of your husband, the lovely caring husband and father and the (for them extremely surprising) side that you have told them he shows when they are not there.

Good luck

Op, not making light of your situation, I would be furious if my dp hit my son, who is the same age as yours, however how old are your parents? It is only in the last decade or so that smacking has become seen as unnacceptable and as late as 20 years ago a clip round the earole was seen as the ultimate pescription for willful disobedience. It doesnt make it right but old fashioned parents may find this very difficult to grasp as truly wrong.

MmeLindt - yes this is first they know of dh's awful temper. Although when my parents visited dh's home country in the middle east. dh's father showed alot of aggression in a totally different situation and said that is where dh may get his aggressive nature from. hope that makes sense?!

needhelp09,

You are not on your own entirely; there is this thread and you will get support here.

I don't particularly care either what race or culture your H comes from; regardless of culture it is not right to hit out at a defenseless 3 year old child. Am glad you pointed that out to your Dad.

Abusers can come from any class and creed.

Many abusers as well can be completely plausible to the outside world; it is only behind closed doors that their true nature emerges. Your parents, like everyone else, have not seen what he is truly like behind closed doors. They could well be in denial themselves that their son in law could be actually capable of doing such a thing to one of their grandchildren. But he has hit your son and this is the second time he has done so. He barks orders at your son?. He sounds absolutely ghastly. Just because his own Dad likely did this to his son your H does not mean that this is at all acceptable now. Two wrongs do not make a right.

Come to a compromise?. Problem for you as well is that you and your H cannot actually sit down and discuss this at all let alone openly because your H's response is to ignore you all and walk away by going to work.

Why are you really going on the Surestart course, is this at his behest?. However, even if you could find an evening course I bet your H would not attend. He has also shown no remorse for his actions and is not willing (or able) to take any responsibility for what he has done. Yet more reasons why a compromise is not feasible.

I sincerely hope your Mum this afternoon does not do a head in the sand act like your Dad has done.

As for this comment of yours:-

"It's like a red mist occurs in front of dh, especially when ds retaliates".

Your 3 year old child is not capable of retaliating!. You should NOT therefore be using such language regarding your 3 year old son. This poor soul (your DS) is angry and confused - he's likely thinking "why me?". If you cannot fully protect your children then you are by turn complicit in his ill treatment of your son.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents - what is being imparted here by both of you?. You need to give that particular question a lot of thought and put proper distance between you and your H. You may have to resort to legal means to do so, you should seek legal advice as a matter of course.

It is your house, why on earth are you the one planning to go and stay somewhere else? There are three of you to think of, whereas your husband will be on his own. I'd think seriously about asking him to leave in order to maintain a stable environment for your dc.

I don't think smacking a child's face has ever been acceptable. It is completely different from a smack on a leg etc which was common parenting when I was growing up unfortunately.

Mollie I dont think its acceptable and never have done, but i know people, particularly of my parents generation who definately think that a clip round the ear or on the legs or bottom was an appropriate disciplinary approach. Sad but true. My point was that the op parents may not be fully understanding the nature of the smack.

I still maintain that i would be very very concerned and unhappy about this from my partner. I understand why you have been questioned about going to surestart, but I went last year when i found the family situation difficult and the one thing i really took away from it was the connections I made with other people. You sound very lonely and surestart is a great place to begin building the support network i suspect you desperately need so i think you should go.

I thought going to my parents may make dh know that I am serious in protecting my dc's. I am afraid I may back down when dh comes home from work and pretend it is all ok.

The surestart course was meant to be for both of us, but as I said it is during the day when dh is at work. I thought it might help if I could pass on the information to dh and at least it felt like I was trying to positive in doing something.

My parents do believe in smacking and smacked us as children, although not on the face ever. I was rarely smacked as I was terrified of my fathers loud shouty voice, which was enough to scare me off doing something I shouldn't.

We always disagree about smacking, me, my parents and dh. They believe that the reason children are unruly is because they are not smacked. Dad and dh think the cane should be brought back for criminals

mum's here, got to go

An earlier comment of needhelp09
made me ask exactly why she was going to the Surestart classes:-

"I forgot to say that when the hitting incident occurred today. DH blamed ds for hitting him first. I said that he is the adult and should be able to control himself, ds is only 3. DS hits out at me too, but I usually say a firm 'no' and hold his hands down which stops him. He think my 'theories' of parenting are crap and told me so. The fact is I am here far more than he is and know that ds can be challenging. I also know hitting is never right. Dh won't believe me".

Why does this man not believe in his wife's parenting skills; its not at all supportive to call your wife's parenting theories crap. Again this could be down to cultural influences but again this is no justification for such behaviour on his part.

I am not suggesting needhelp does not go to the Surestart classes at all; I think this will help her a lot. I think that even if needhelp did find her H such a class in the evening he would not attend.

I am worried for needhelp09 because this man is clearly not capable of accepting any responsibility for his actions let alone show any remorse for what he has done to his son.

Its your house - he should be the one to leave, not yourselves.

Have you spoken to his parents?
Perhaps this is how he was treated, but maybe not. His Mum or Dad may be horrified and be able to talk to him.
If he was hit as a child can you ask him how it made him feel?
If he is a good Dad in all other respects then you need to treat this as a problem to fix. He may not realise how damaging his actions are. He may not know how to control his anger. He MUST!!!!
Can you suggest to him that you seek help with your son's behaviour together? His reaction to your son is a problem and he needs to understand that it is. If he can admit there is a problem maybe you can solve it together. Otherwise you have to protect your son by any means possible.

So glad you've called your Mum, hope she's supportive (the bringing the car seats sounds like it). Do call Women's Aid/Refuge for advice too.

Your local council's domestic violence unit may be able to give you advice about getting h out of the house.

Your parents may well be of the generation that believes smacking is a good form of discipline, but I bet they wouldn't approve of hitting a three year old round the face. No decent person would, even decades ago.

I don't agree with smacking, but I do think there's a big difference between a smack as the known punishment for certain "crimes" and lashing out in anger. I suspect your parents believe in the former - "it hurts me more than you" approach rather than the latter. I wouldn't do either, but I can understand the former as a choice some parents make.
Your husband needs to learn to calm down!! No child respects anger

What an awful siutation for you to be in.

If I was in your situation, and it was our child he hurt, I would have been gone. He has no right to do what he did, temper or not. We all have times with our kids when we lose the rag but something like this is not acceptable. Can you move in with family for a few days, give him time to realise the extent of it?

Maybe leave it a while and make sure your DS is safe before involving SS or the Police
Best of luck

I smacked my then 2 or 3 year old across the face once. Can't remember why, no justification and it just happened, ie wasn't planned. We both burst into tears and I told DH. I would never and have never done it again and the only consolation is DS doesn't remember and I was very ill at the time and not coping.

Thankfully DH didn't chuck me out but I know it couldn't ever happen again.

Not sure what other people think but I know someone earlier suggested showing the thread to dh which I don't think is a good idea but what about showing it to your parents to help give them a picture of what's happening? Needhelp09, hope your afternoon with your mum has helped, I'm a bit concerned about your post that when dh comes home, you'll just back down. You need to be sure in your mind the best course of action to take and as many have pointed out, your ds needs your help and protection. You need to create a support network around you as well, if there is anyone else in addition to your mum and dad you could at least talk to, I think that could help.

Putting it bluntly your DH is abusing your DC.

I don't mean to be harsh but unless you do something now it is only going to get worse.

You wouldn't stand by and let somebody else do this to your DC so why let your DH

Next time he snaps it might be more than a slap, he might end up doing you DC a serious injury

It seems my mum was not the support I was hoping for. She blamed my dh's lack of control on....sexual frustration!!! She said it would have made him hit out in an aggressive way because of the testosterone build up. I told her she was talking 'rubbish' most respectful word I could think of and said that no one has the right to hit a child. I asked her if she would put up with me being hit by a man and she said no. So why would she put up with her gs being hurt I don't know?!

OMG I feel I so hurt and unsupported by family it is untrue.

I told her I had gone to womens aid who had said to call in ss but she begged me not to get ss involved.

What now?!

Kick him out. thats whats next.

He has hit a small defenseless child across the face TWICE that YOU KNOW OF.

Havent you wondered what happens when you arent around?

Do you want your child to grow up in fear?

With or without support from anyone else you need to protect your child.

Please protect your son.

You need to be firm and stand your ground, with your parents AND especially your DH. Dont bend to what he has done becuase you are getting no support. Show your mother this thread if necessary.

A man should be able to NOT smack children across the face, no matter how sexually frustrated he may or not be!!

My DH is on his way home. I could tell him to go to my parents as it seems he would be welcome there.

What's worse I feel like I'm the bad guy in all of this. I'm only trying to protect the people I love the most.

I told mum that I will do whatever it takes to protect my children and she told me off for overreacting. I said I won't discuss it with them again.

I feel very sad that your mum is not supporting you
Whereabouts do you live?

elf - Brighton

shame you are not near me.

I think my parents are just happy 'I married well' not about my or my dc's overall happiness

I wish I did live near some of your nice mn. i really appreciate your help and support, truly I do