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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

should I report my dh?

281 replies

needhelp09 · 22/02/2009 20:21

I'm looking for some advice. I have a 3 year old ds is who is often willfully defiant and this drives my dh completely mad, so much so that he loses his temper and hits out at my ds.

An incident occurred today when ds was on the naughty step and would not sit down. Dh insisted he sat down as part of the punishment and then when he wouldn't, struck ds across of the face! He left a red mark.

I don't really know what to do next. Should I have called the police? I am afraid to involve ss, because I have heard they can do more harm than good. I'm worried they may think I am over reacting.

I told dh that hitting the face is assault and is extremely serious and could end him up in alot of trouble. He doesn't seem to care. We are not talking at the moment, because I feel furious and betrayed by him for hurting our precious ds. I don't know how he could do it. I could never hit ds, no matter how angry I was, and would always walk away from any situation before it got that far. I feel I have let ds down, by not protecting him when he needed me.

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 22/02/2009 20:37

I would not involve the police but would make it clear that either he gets help or you are not willing to stay in a relationship with him.

3yo boys are willful. They are defiant. He is going to be willful and defiant when he is 4yo and 5you. That is what children do, they test their boundaries and yes, sometimes, often the test our patience.

I have hit my DC when I was extremely stressed and frustrated, but never in the face and never without feeling terrible afterwards.

He needs to go to anger management classes.

Miyazaki · 22/02/2009 20:37

how old is your dd?

Rebecca41 · 22/02/2009 20:38

I wouldn't stay with anyone who hit my son. Simple as that. Apart from the obvious risks of significant physical injury, and the psychological damage, treating children like that can make then grow up to think that it's normal behaviour. So they do it to their own kids. I'd get out, quick.

MmeLindt · 22/02/2009 20:39

Sorry, XP.

He hit his son in a "fit of temper"

That worries me. A lot.

Original poster
needhelp09 · 22/02/2009 20:40

miyazaki - my dd is 13 months. I am worried for her too.

OP posts:
lisad123 · 22/02/2009 20:40

sorry would be leaving with ds or asking for him to leave. Why would you let him get away with it? If he you the advise would be to leave. He hit his own son around the face, hard enough to leave a mark. He doesnt sound sorry at all tbh.

Try parentline for evening courses.

drlove8 · 22/02/2009 20:41

sorry if i sound harsh but as a child i wished that one parent of mine had stood up and protected me from the other.... the hits will get more frequent and harder, take it from me i KNOW. one day its a slap, the nxt its a punch, then a kick, then end up getting beaten by whatevers at hand ,be it hairbrushes or ashtrays.your child will HATE you if you do nothing.

Miyazaki · 22/02/2009 20:45

The thing is they are only going to get more and more challenging. If he can lose it with a 2.5-3 yo and hit across the face, it will escalate without proper help.

Could you think about maybe going to stay with your parents for a while, regardless of what they think of him. It doesn't matter. Your dc do - and maybe it'll give him a bit of space to reflect. And you can think about how you want to move forward. If you stay without change/action (and start fitting things around him - taking kids out cos he needs space, making excuses) you'll be complicit.

MrsMcCluskey · 22/02/2009 20:51

You have to decide between him and your son, sorry.
If this continues to happen you will be equally culpable for failing to protect.( In the eyes of child protection laws)
If you rang the Police your DH would have to leave the home whilst an investigaion takes place.
Would you be willing to make a statement against him?
Go to Court and give evidence against him?
I am sorry to gear you are in this situation, is very very hard.

Original poster
needhelp09 · 22/02/2009 20:57

I was trying not to involve my parents if at all possible. As I want to deal with this myself. I feel I may have no option, if that is the only way to keep my ds and dd safe.

My father always seems to blame me for the defiant behaviour of my ds and agrees with dh for being 'firm' with ds. Although, my father doesn't know that dh hit(s) ds.

I forgot to say that when the hitting incident occurred today. DH blamed ds for hitting him first. I said that he is the adult and should be able to control himself, ds is only 3. DS hits out at me too, but I usually say a firm 'no' and hold his hands down which stops him. He think my 'theories' of parenting are crap and told me so. The fact is I am here far more than he is and know that ds can be challenging. I also know hitting is never right. Dh won't believe me.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 22/02/2009 20:59

god he sounds childish. your DS who is 3 hit him, so he hit him back in the face, hard enough to leave a mark??

i would be seriously consdiering my options, v v carefully.

and tell your parents. they should be supporting you in protecting their grandchildren

Lilyloo · 22/02/2009 21:00

Whilst your dad may think its better your dh is 'firm' i am sure it would be very different if he knew that included him 'slapping him around the face.'

I think you will need outside help to deal with this as if dh can justify what he has done by blaming a 3 year old for provocation then he needs some serious help.

Original poster
needhelp09 · 22/02/2009 21:00

If I did report my dh to the police. I just wonder if they would see it as my word against his and it wouldn't stand up in court without concrete evidence.

OP posts:
spicemonster · 22/02/2009 21:02

He 'doesn't seem to care' rings massive alarm bells for me. Your children need you to protect them. Please leave or kick him out. He's crossed a line. What would you do if he'd hit you and left a mark? Or if someone on here said that their partner had done that? Come on.

MrsMcCluskey · 22/02/2009 21:03

Photograph the red mark?
Date and time it

MrsMcCluskey · 22/02/2009 21:03

Photograph the red mark?
Date and time it

LoneStranger · 22/02/2009 21:04

Going to go against the grain here and say that i think involving the police, anger management or outside agency is too drastic at this stage. I do understnad that it has happened twice and in no way excuse or minimise that. I would though suggest that the OP thinks about what she wants to achieve in the long term. If she no longer wants to be with her DH, then this incident may just be the straw that broken the camel's back. Then she needs to make a definite move towards separating from her (D)H. If, however she wants to help her DP to manage his parenting then that is a completely different issue and needs to managed a completely differnt way.

Before we advocate leaving and management, I would suggest that the first step would be to talk to DH and find out what is going on for him. I have posted on here before how terrible a mother I am for hitting DD, and received TONS and TONS of support saying "we all makes mistakes", "dont let this spoil your relationship with DD, learn from it to make things better" and many, many similar. Someone suggested counting to 10 or going into another room or walking away. For me those were learned strategies, learned from HERE. I think OPs DH deserves the same. A chance to learn how to manage such situations differently and to achieve effective outcomes.

I have to say that hitting in the face is BAD. If the OPs DH posted here on Dadsnet, Im confident that he would be supported and advised by the dads AND mums on here, rather than calls for him to take himself off to anger management and suchlike. Of course outside help has its place, but I just think that OP needs to detemine whether that is the starting place for this issue. The OP has said that her DP feels guilty and I think that plunging straight into talks about anger management etc may make him feel as though he is defective as a parent and as a person.

I am so so sorry you are in this situation OP. I honestly dont know how I would react in the same situation, but i'd like to think that I would make decisions that are positive and helpful for my DP, but especially for my DCs. HTH

GypsyMoth · 22/02/2009 21:06

Why are you even considering letting this go.........again?! Your don will become more of a challenge as he gets older........ How will dh deal with it then??

Jux · 22/02/2009 21:06

From what you've said so far, your ds is simply being his age - he is not challenging or defiant, he is too young. HE IS ONLY 3. Please get rid of those labels for a start.

Tell your parents that your dh hits your child and you need their support.

Miyazaki · 22/02/2009 21:06

Was your dh smacked? Were you? Is he generally angry?

Can you talk to him about it? Will you have a plan if your dh hits your dc in this way again? I sort of think that you have to draw a line in the sand and know that you'll act on it if you need to, or you'll always be moving the parameters and making excuses.

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 22/02/2009 21:07

I second the advice of contacting Women's Aid because one or two things in the OP's post suggest to me that it's more than just a loss of temper with a challenging 3-year-old.
OP you don't need to answer this but I wonder if a) your father thought it was OK to hit you when you were a child and b) your DP physically intimidates you in any way?

Miyazaki · 22/02/2009 21:09

You were seeking help LoneStranger, the op says her husband doesn't think he's done anything wrong - that's a big difference....

Original poster
needhelp09 · 22/02/2009 21:10

Thanks lonestranger. It is good to hear your different view of the situation.

I have to say in all other respects dh is a good husband and father. He just has this temper that just rises up out of nowhere and leads him to hitting out.

I would rather not leave him and would prefer that we can resolve this. Despite all the issues, the dc's adore him and it would break mine and their hearts to think that he wouldn't be living here with us.

I just feel I need some support to know how to handle this. I have contacted womens aid for support and am waiting for a reply.

OP posts:
supersalstrawberry · 22/02/2009 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilyloo · 22/02/2009 21:11

Well done needshelp i hope you can sort it out as a family and dh can get the support he needs also.
Good luck.