should I report my dh?

[needhelp09]

I'm looking for some advice. I have a 3 year old ds is who is often willfully defiant and this drives my dh completely mad, so much so that he loses his temper and hits out at my ds.

An incident occurred today when ds was on the naughty step and would not sit down. Dh insisted he sat down as part of the punishment and then when he wouldn't, struck ds across of the face! He left a red mark.

I don't really know what to do next. Should I have called the police? I am afraid to involve ss, because I have heard they can do more harm than good. I'm worried they may think I am over reacting.

I told dh that hitting the face is assault and is extremely serious and could end him up in alot of trouble. He doesn't seem to care. We are not talking at the moment, because I feel furious and betrayed by him for hurting our precious ds. I don't know how he could do it. I could never hit ds, no matter how angry I was, and would always walk away from any situation before it got that far. I feel I have let ds down, by not protecting him when he needed me.

If he has done it twice and is not totally remorseful he will do it again.

The thought of a grown man's hand being raised in anger and striking the face of a 3 year old makes me sick. However you do it, you have to protect your children from this man. Sorry you're going through this.

Miyazaki - dh was smacked as I child. So was I. The difference is I have decided that I don't want this method of discipline for the dc's and it seems dh think it's ok.

Ive just seen the OPs last post and those that followed. I am shocked and gobsmacked that he tried to justify it by saying your DS hit him first. He obviously holds onto the belief that tit-for-tat works. He needs to be taught that there is no place for that approach in parenting. I initially thought that the suggestion of the photo was OTT, but actually I think I would. Not necessarily to give to the police, but to use as part of the learning strategy for DP. You seem to have very different approach to parenting and that could be a major thing in this case. Maybe your DH is overly strict to compensate for his perceived ineffectiveness of your discipline approach. Not validating his thinking in any way. Am discussing this with DP while I post and also trying to give a 'male perspective' in my responses.

OMG! has your DH always been like this? Is he stressed at work? It is plain assault and he is just a bully.
Your poor child will now learn to be scared of his own dad. Do you want that?
You need to have a good talk with your DH and get down to the bottom of this. Was he hit as a child himself? Maybe he only knows how to use violence for discipline?
I sincerely hope he does not hit you!
If he does you need to show him the door.

hope women's aid can get back quickly to you. this does sound very worrying as the DH doesn't sound remorseful and sounds scarily easily wound up by a 3 year (as all 3 years old behave dreadfully at some point IME).

I am constantly telling ds I love him and cuddling and kissing him loads because I am afraid of the psychological consequences of the hitting. He is a very affectionate child with me. Not so much with dh, who I feel seems trapped in a negative cycle. Sometimes I feel he treats ds like a dog, as he is always barking orders at him.

I just hope the psychological damage hasn't already been done.

needhelp09 , if this was a complete stranger who hit your child ovr the face how would you act?, - i dont see how its any different because it was your dh. except it is different... your home i where your children are supposed to feel completly safe. how can yours be safe if your living with a bully. i doubt he'd be so quick to hit another man.

I hope WomensAid give you all the support you need, and well done for calling them.

I would tell your mum about your dh hitting your ds in this way - maybe somebody else knowing about it will make it more real for you - and if you do have involve them it won't be such a bolt from the blue. There's no point in protecting an image - it's not real - and you need support in this.

Miyazaki, I here what you are saying, HOWEVER, help does not have to be 'for one person, to be used against another'. I read it that the OP was seeking help full stop. I also interpreted it to possibly mean how to help her DH. From her later posts, I dont think I was wrong about that.

Contacting WA is a good thing. They will help you to determine what your options are and ALL the possible ways of dealing with this. That means ways other than leaving him, asking him to leave, or involving the police.

the hitting? he has hit him more than twice?

your posts are quite worrying needhelp. is your dh ever angry with you in this way?

I was just thinking the same as drlove - if this happened at nursery I suspect you'd be up in arms, removing him, making complaints, etc. The fact that it's in his own home is even worse, IMO.

There is a big difference between smacking and hitting a child across the face.
I could just about tolerate Dh smaacking one of ours on the bum, but hitting a smallchild across the face is deplorable and there is absolutely no excuse for it.
Like I said if it happens again the athorities will be asking what you did to protect your child.
What happens when Ds 1 is in school and tells teacher what Daddy did to him?
I am not saying you SHOULD go to the Police but you really neeed to think how you can prevent this happening aagain.

Also thinking what he would feel if someone else had hit his child? Sadly sometimes, people can only see the wrongess of other peoples actions and less so in their own.

I'm sorry LS I don't understand your post?

My dh has never hit me. I always said if any man raised a hand to me they would be out the door.

Now the reality of violence in my home against my son. I feel terrified and angry and also in denial. I was starting to believe this is normal and that other people's dh's behave like this. They don't though, do they?

I have told him that it is my duty as a mother to protect my children and I will do so.

I'm so glad he doesn't hit you. My dh doesn't hit, no. And I think even those that smack, would only advocate a tap on the hand at this age, or bum... and not in temper.

I think that LoneStrangers advice of taking a pic to show your dh when he has calmed down is a really good one. And you'll have it if you need it. I do hope you get some good support from WA, and that you can talk to your dh about it and see some changes?

So you would leave or ask him to leave if he hit you but not when he has hit your child, not once but twice and then to top it off blames it on the child.

Miyazaki, What I was trying to say is that I am suspecting that he would find it abhorrent and would not tolerate it if he heard that someone else had hit his son. He needs to understand that it is not acceptable from ANYONE in ANY circumstances.

I'll now also add that by saying his son hit first, is akin to suggesting that the hitting was on equal terms. Of course im speculating, but I suppose that he would, in all probability suggest that it wasnt as bad as the OP tells here. Thats where the photo would reveal the harsh reality and consequences of his method of discipline. More likely that the penny will be more likely to drop in the cold light of day, when he has moved from his current defensive position.

My ds is in bed now, and I don't think the mark will be there in the morning. Should I take the photo anyway? It just looks like a small red line, it was a finger length wheal earlier today

I think the photo is a good idea! I think we have crossed wires somewhere, when we agree...

needhelp09,

Re your comment:-
"I have to say in all other respects dh is a good husband and father"

I would argue otherwise purely going on what you have written about him here. He is not above striking his own son hard. This child is upset and confused, small wonder he is unhappy; you're supposed to be protecting him!.

Some women in abusive situations also say the above about their men because they themselves can think of nothing positive to say about them.

Your son has now been hit twice - twice too many times. I think you're also afraid of him and what he could do next, your son certainly is. This is why your relationship with your H is now built on sand. Is that why you're going on the parenting class; because he your H thinks that your parenting skills are in his words crap?. He is not taking any responsibility for his actions and that is deeply worrying; he blamed your son first for hitting him!.

Anger management as well is of no benefit at all if there is violence present. It can justify the hitting in their own minds.

Sorry needhelp x posting.

NH09, Is there anywhere that you can go for few days? You sound as though you need some time out and away from this relationship. YOU SHOULD NOT BE FEELING TERRIFIED IN YOUR OWN HOME. If that is where you feel anything other than safe, unconditionally, it is not HOME!

Anything that you decide to do now, does not have to be permanent or adversarial, but you sound as though you need to clear your head. And it sounds like it clogged up with stuff other than the incident you are originally posting about.

I really don't have anywhere to go at the moment. However, this home is in my name and so are the deeds (left to me by gp's as inheritance) so he has no chance of kicking me or the dc's out!