should I report my dh?

[needhelp09]

I'm looking for some advice. I have a 3 year old ds is who is often willfully defiant and this drives my dh completely mad, so much so that he loses his temper and hits out at my ds.

An incident occurred today when ds was on the naughty step and would not sit down. Dh insisted he sat down as part of the punishment and then when he wouldn't, struck ds across of the face! He left a red mark.

I don't really know what to do next. Should I have called the police? I am afraid to involve ss, because I have heard they can do more harm than good. I'm worried they may think I am over reacting.

I told dh that hitting the face is assault and is extremely serious and could end him up in alot of trouble. He doesn't seem to care. We are not talking at the moment, because I feel furious and betrayed by him for hurting our precious ds. I don't know how he could do it. I could never hit ds, no matter how angry I was, and would always walk away from any situation before it got that far. I feel I have let ds down, by not protecting him when he needed me.

Thanks for your responses. Dh does seem subdued today, so am hoping he really is sorry. He extra nice to ds at the breakfast table.

I am still waiting for the apology to ds, and have reminded him to tell him. I will not let it go until he does apologise to him.

with regards to trusting him, I will be keeping a VERY close eye from now on and if I see any physical violence against either of my dc's, I will make him find alternative accommodation.

He needs to apologise today otherwise your DS won't know what he is apologising for and if he (DS) has forgotten it you don't want it dragged up days later.

Not sure if ds really understood what dh was apolosing for as he said 'sorry daddy for hitting you' as though he was the one in trouble. DS is a being a real sweetheart today and I still feel so sad that dh felt he could hurt him.

It's going to take a time to build that trust again now between me and dh. I hope in the long run it will be worth it for our family, but my dc's safety will always be my number 1 priority.

My mum is over today to take ds out for the afternoon and I am still livid with her. I'm not going to discuss anything with her about dh. I can see she is not going to support me. Although, it has made me realise that I will never be like with my own dd, if she ever has a similar situation at home, then I will support her 100%, if she needs me. I can't believe my own mother would not do the same for her dd.

your mother obviously has issues herself.

Binks - she has many issues to do with her own childhood, too many to list now. Plus she has manic depression. I have often felt like more like her mother than a dd. It makes it all the more real when I have difficult issues of my own and no support from her.

I am glad that your DH apologised and hope that it is the start of a new approach to parenting for him.

Do you have any friends who have similar ideas on parenting to yours? Could you instigate a conversation with them so that your DH can see that even if your parents agree with him, that you are not alone in your views?

It is good he apologised and the issue now is whether he adopts a completely open attitude to learning a new style of parenting .....or not.

I would give him a chance but talk about it every day and enrol him on a positive parenting class.

Have you considered Homestart ~ a volunteer helps out once a week lending emotional and practical support in parenting under 5s~they're fab and non statutory,just google Homestart.

Well done and take carexx

Sounds like you have made some real progress needhelp with DH if not with your mum.

As morningsun says, he needs to follow through, so do keep strong for your little ones. Will be keeping everything crossed for you.

needshelp09.... your mums bi-polar? that dosent excuse her words to you, but it does explain why she seemed so unsuportive. is she going through a bad phase right now?.homestart is a good idea!(nice one MS).another adult about might encourage dh to pick up good tecniques in child care!.well done you for staying strong and i hope you mean what you say if he ever hits the kids again! .

Something I wanted to add is this
I think the naughty step is confrontational and can become physical quite easily,better to ask him to do/not do something,if he doesn't comply give a second,firm warning and if no luck inform him he has 3 mins time out when you simply ask him to sit down and walk away and get on with things.
It doesn't matter whether he sits down or not the main thing is do not touch him as it can get into a battle of wills.Then tell him t.o. is over..it was for not listening etc and carry on as normal.

Tell him this will happen in advance but the point i wanted to make was don't cart him off anywhere or touch him physically in any way its much less stressful and less likely to lead to escalating conflict.

yes morningsun the naughty step is too much for a little one.... although ive used it for my 9 yr old .an extream case though.- i caught him climbing up a road sign, ????

Ms - I do use time out for my ds. When he does something inappropriate e.g hitting dd. I put him in his room for 3 mins, after 3 mins i tell him why he was put in timeout and ask him to say sorry to dd. It gives us both time to calm down and usually he is fine for a while, until he next wants to test the boundaries. i think being consistent is the key. Although dh says it doesn't work, as ds is still doing the bad behaviour. I told dh, ds will not change his ways over night, we will have to keep being consistent til he learns.

I do hope he changes but I wouldn't hold my breath waiting.

Whatever else you do I would hide your childrens passports, just in case. As you talk about your husband having a temper and behaving impulsively, what is to stop him marching his children onto the next plane to his home country in his next temper tandrum.

I would also make it crystal clear that when if he loses his temper again, he will be leaving your house.

woah, calm down babies everywhere, thats a bit much....just because OP's dh is from a different culture doesnt mean he's going to run off with them to another country! too much drama girl!

Babieseverywhere - I will look for the passports today. Thanks for that, I don't think he would take the dc's, but i won't risk it.

On the way to nursery this morning, my ds said 'I feel happy today, not unhappy, because daddy said sorry and I said sorry too' He must have been really hurting poor little mite, hope he will be ok now.

The women's aid always recommend hiding passports, birth certificates etc if you are having issues with an violent or emotional abusive husband.

If it is an over reaction no harm done, but why risk anything.

need help I am glad you don't think your husband would take your children, I think it is pretty rare for this to happen but better to be safe

if this was a complete stranger who hit your child ovr the face how would you act?, - i dont see how its any different because it was your dh. except it is different... your home i where your children are supposed to feel completly safe. how can yours be safe if your living with a bully. i doubt he'd be so quick to hit another man

I COMPLETELY agree with this.

I have suffered from DM in the past. Before it worsened, I left - best decision I ever made.

In relation to telling your parents - My Mum was the best support, and my Father helped me and my DD in such a way I can never thank him.

I truely hope you have considored your options and take action before it gets worst.

duh stupid me, I didnt mean DM I meant DV

so for your son, if he hits, he gets time out..... i think you can apply same to your dh.

you said:

"When he does something inappropriate e.g hitting dd. I put him in his room for 3 mins, after 3 mins i tell him why he was put in timeout and ask him to say sorry to dd. "

sounds as tho dh has apologised - but i would keep an eye... it isnt clear if your dh gets angry with you as well?

if it happens again you must react quickly.

develop a plan.

Needhelp, I am sorry your mum has been so lacking in her response. Must be absolutely the last thing you need to realise right now! Still, you sound strong and together...

cestlavielife - No dh doesn't get angry with me, he usually just sulks and just says do whatever you want to. Then gets annoyed because he doesn't like my way and tells me that 'we always have to do it your way' I feel I am caught in a no win situation and it's me having to make recommendations and compromises about parenting.

My mother has been around, who is about as much use as chocolate teapot at the moment. She still doesn't seem to get that her gs has been hurt physically and mentally, all she seems concerned is that I haven't kicked dh out or called ss. My parents say they won't take sides, but it seems they have already made it quite clear whose side they on. I'm still

I feel worn down by it all emotionally tbh, and would like to get away. I was thinking of booking a holiday for me and dc's. Not sure if it make me feel even more exhausted than I am now though, having to manage the dc's alone.

Miyazaki - my mum has a naf magnet on her fridge that says 'a woman is like a tea bag, you never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water' I think it will be part of my philosophy from now.

Hi needhelp how are you ?
I saw your post that you use time out but what I was meaning was something I learned over the years with my own~only my own opinion but i think you should be very "hands off" discipline wise so if you use time out,you can ask him to go to his room or just leave him where he is cos i don't think its a good idea picking them up or forcing them in any way.

ms - thanks, I'm ok, a bit worn out, but otherwise trying to be positive.

I wonder whether that technique would work with ds, as I think if I asked him to go to his room he would just laugh at the me and carry on with what he was doing.

I put him in his room as at least he can calm down and think about his actions.

Alot of the challenging behaviour I think is because of jealousy over dd and getting my attention.