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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Going against my DH

141 replies

eNABlemetobebetter · 03/02/2009 16:02

I don't want to say what it is as I want genuine unbiased opinions.

There is something I want to do. It is just for me. I think it will help me. DH doesn't want me too as he doesn't think it will help. Am I a really bad wife to still do it?

OP posts:

HolyGuacamole · 03/02/2009 16:04

Depends what it is? You know you're going to have to spill the beans and tell us

rolandbrowning · 03/02/2009 16:07

Ultimately you should put yourself before your dh. That's all I can say based on that information.

Winehouse · 03/02/2009 16:09

If it is something like studying for a new qualification, or losing weight for your health then go ahead and do it. If it is something like having an affair or a boob job to boost your ego then don't.

Lulumama · 03/02/2009 16:09

if it is something to do with what you have been talking about previously, then don;t do it. it won;t help you and if it could potentially damage your relationship, then definitely don;t do it

your DH knows you well, and if he thinks it is a bad idea, it probably is

so in my opinion, don;t do it

or do it but be prepared to take full consequnces and fall out

MrsMattie · 03/02/2009 16:10

You'll have to say what 'it' is, or we can't tell you!

Original poster

eNABlemetobebetter · 03/02/2009 16:15

Not an affair, no way!!!!

Have time to decide.Just wondered whether oncve you were married the general consensus was you really had to do what your hubby said. I said obey in Church!

OP posts:

Winehouse · 03/02/2009 16:18

I didn't get married in a church and didn't say I would obey my husband, so I am bound to say that of course you should not obey him regardless.

Original poster

eNABlemetobebetter · 03/02/2009 16:22

I have never done anything he hasn't wanted me to do before. This feels strange but I honestly think it will help me.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 03/02/2009 16:25

NAB, is it really going to help you if it upsets your DH if you do it? Or is he just saying no because he thinks it is a waste of money?

Either way, if you discount his opinion and go ahead and do it, he could take it that you are still thinking primarily of yourself and not of you as a couple.

If you haven't already done so, have a really good chat with him about why you think it will help so much, and if he still doesn't understand or still thinks it is a waste of time or money, then I would be tempted to give in for now, and say you will try it his way. Then, in a month or so's time, if you still really feel the need to do it, have the convo again.

HTH.

ScorpiowithabigS · 03/02/2009 16:27

I think you have asked alot of him lately.

He can see you from the outside, knows you very well and will be able to see if it is right or wrong from a different outside perspective.

Yes i said obey too - it doesnt mean i have to 'obey' him, but i would respect his wishes and listen to him, especially in your situation.

wingandprayer · 03/02/2009 16:28

He knows you better than anyone on MN I would imagine so would go with what he says. He obviously has his own well thought out reasons.

I assume you're just waiting for someone to say it's acceptable so you can justify it to yourself? If no one in RL is doing that then that tells you something doesn't it?

Original poster

eNABlemetobebetter · 03/02/2009 16:29

I have tried to explain why I think it will help me but he doesn't get it. I won't be doing it for a few weeks anyway and nothing is set in stone. I really don't want to upset my DH by going against him, and I have never ever put myself first before, but with all the depression stuff really causing things to be hard, I think this one thing for me, will help.

I am hoping it will help us as a couple if I do this tbh as I will feel better which will help all uf us.

OP posts:

NorbertDentressangle · 03/02/2009 16:29

I saw your thread earlier about going to the Dr which, to me, suggests that you maybe aren't in the right place/frame of mind to make a decision right now.

Leave it. Especially if its anything to do with the person in your recent threads.

Winehouse · 03/02/2009 16:29

I don't feel I can comment helpfully if you don't want to say what it is. It sounds like some form of surgery to me. In which case I think it probably will not help deep down.

Lulumama · 03/02/2009 16:30

i did not get married in a church, so i can answer !

i do agree with scorpio

the fact you won;t say what it is, leads me to believe it is something to do with the stuff you have discussed previoulsy

if you think it iwill help you,but DH does not, and it is to do with this, i am pretty sure he is right

you don;t have to blidnly obey, but you are having a rocky time of it, and you need to listen to him and be a team

as i said, do what you feel you need to, but be prepared for the fall out

if a potential consequence is the ruination of your marriage or loss of trust, it is not worth it

chances are, you won;t feel better anyway

Clattered · 03/02/2009 16:31

I can't really comment as I don't know what the thing is.

What are your dh's objections?

ScorpiowithabigS · 03/02/2009 16:32

Also, as you depressed, its really not a good idea to be making big decisions. (have had depression before badly and i know it made me different)

Original poster

eNABlemetobebetter · 03/02/2009 16:32

I have only told one friend other than DH. I will have a long think.

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 03/02/2009 16:34

It really depends what it is.

If it is something that will hurt him, then I think no. I haven't read all your posts, but have read enough to know that man has been hurt enough already.

So, like I say, depends what it is.

poopscoop · 03/02/2009 16:34

are you talking about inpatient therapy?

ScorpiowithabigS · 03/02/2009 16:35

Can you not tell us what it is?

Original poster

eNABlemetobebetter · 03/02/2009 16:35

It is all about me and no one else.

I am going to try and work out why I think taking a few hours to do this thing (not surgery) will help me because that might be enough. I would really rather not go against DH. He is my whole world and I know I have made him very sad lately so I appreciate all your advice.

OP posts:

Lulumama · 03/02/2009 16:35

if you can at least indicate what it is... is it to do with the other issue> something different?

i really don;t think that you are in a good plcae emotionally to be making big and potentially far reaching decisions

if you were confident in what you were doing you would not need the premission of MN!

dittany · 03/02/2009 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

poopscoop · 03/02/2009 16:37

is it therapy?

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