Going against my DH

[eNABlemetobebetter]

I don't want to say what it is as I want genuine unbiased opinions.

There is something I want to do. It is just for me. I think it will help me. DH doesn't want me too as he doesn't think it will help. Am I a really bad wife to still do it?

I have been depressed for a long time.

The other man contact finished a while ago.

I do have thought to how my Dh feels. That is why I try and work things through on here instead of burdening him.

sorry to sound harsh, but if you really cannot be left alone for very long, and your DH seems extremely concerned about this, then you seriously need professional help. Maybe even inpatient help.

It does sound reading between the lines that you are a danger to yourself. Any advice you receive on here, no matter how well meaning is not going to sort out your problems. By all means, post for a cup of tea and bit of sympathy but is time now for experts to get involved.

Your GP has upped the does of your AD's, give them a chance to take effect. He has asked to see you in a month, that is a long time for someone who seems desperately low in mood such as yourself. So someone is not getting the full picture.

Best of luck x

It sounds like he is just in the background the whole time tbh. Even when he is displaying symptoms of a nervous breakdown.

I'm not sure, from an outsider's perspective, how much longer he is going to be able to suppress his own needs without some big damage. (To his self esteem, his own mental health or your marriage)

NAB - i hope you have changed your counsellor to a more congenial one! you are not going to be able to achieve much with someone who finds you annoying!

but you do need to break down your self-constructed barriers and start to be painfully honest with both your counsellor and yourself.

yes, but it is not like the contact did not have a v v v negative effect on you and your DH

and i doubt very much he is ok with it or over it

if you cannot talk openly and honestly with DH, then you have a problem

you need to talk, he needs to talk, you need urgent help with your mental health and hopefully better things will stem from that help

Thumbwitch - I am being referred to a psychiatrist. I guess I need to spend some time thinking what I am going to say to them. When I saw one for my court case, it wasn't anything like I expected and he wasn't seeing me to treat me.

do you have a care plan? (not sure if GPs do these, sorry) but if you do, use the 24h crisis resolution/home treatment team number on there and spell it out for them - you and your husband don't have to go through this on your own

lulu- i know the pain i caused my dh and he has said he trusts me again. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make things okay. I love him so much, regardless what some people might think, and I will try and be a better wife. I know I am a crap person, I am trying to fix it, I am just not good at life.

if you can afford it or scrape the money together, try to see somoene privately and soon

otherwise agree that access to the crisis team would help

community psychiatric nurses can see you at home, and do relaxation and things like that with you

we haven't been to court yet. we have been working towards it for quite a while now. it is very stressful and tbh that is probably why i wanted contact with the other man last year. he knew me then and made me feel safe. no excuse i know.

NAB, psychs and counsellors are very different.
I have some experience of counselling from both a training and a patient point of view and it took me 2 years to have the sort of breakthrough required to achieve understanding and resolution, despite understanding the theory of the process! I had a counsellor from the person-centred school of thought - she was lovely, so gentle but firm with me when I tried to squirm away from honesty, truth and reality.

Only by opening up the deepest and most hidden areas can you be truly honest - and that can be very hard if you have had walls in place for a very long time.

Well it's not surprising with all that has happened to you in the past. I think that would be almost impossible to cope with for anyone who had experienced it.

Of course you are going to be left with serious issues. It's very positive that you can see this and are accessing some appropriate help. I was relieved to read your earlier thread.

look, you are not a crap person, you have had a lot of shite and you are needing help dealing with it

what my point is , is that the hurt etc caused won;t be forgoteen about, same with the things that have hurt you so badly in the past

you need proper help to move forward

and being depressed often means you don;t have the impetus to help yuorslef

but you need to stop looking to MN or DH or anyone else to make you feel good. that can only come from within you

things will get better, but you need to stop being self destructive and self defeatist

I am so scared tbh

i hide a lot

i didn't know i was looking to mn to make me feel good??

i look to mn for friends and hopefully to try and help other people

is it time to take a break do you think?

I am briefly de-flouncing just to contribute to this thread, I was doing a spot of child evasion lurking and can't ignore you NAB. I don't want to hijack or derail your thread but I wanted to share my own experience with you, in case it's helpful.

I had a 'breakdown' some time ago and was physically, mentally and emotionally shattered and barely functional for quite a long time. Depression/anxiety is a fact of life for me, and at that time I had no strategies in place to control it.

When I was really desperate and not thinking straight I decided I needed to get away on my own, clear my head, have some space etc. Not for long, just a couple of days. I experienced this as an urgent need (it was about 4 in the afternoon on the day I decided to go, I went into a travel shop and booked myself on a flight to Edinburgh, thinking I could just find a B&B when I got there (I'd travelled on my own a bit before). I felt really exhilerated and empowered, got on the plane, found a tourist info place and got a B&B, got there and unpacked. Then the most wild panic came over me - I didn't dare go out of my room to find food, the people in the next room were having a noisy party and I was conviced they were going to try and break into my room and hurt me, I became more and more distressed and ended up hiding under the bed shaking all night and then going straight back to the airport in the morning and paying top whack for the earliest flight home I could get.

I don't know the details of your situation (or your depression or your personal troubles) or how much parity there is between your desire to 'get away on your own' and mine - but I can see where your dh is coming from. He's probably just frantic with terror for you. My (now) dh went through a hell of his own with my breakdown and the worry etc.

I am so sorry you are having an awful time. I think you should be gentle with yourself and your dh and talk, talk, talk. He needs you to communicate your feelings as they occur and you need the same from him. Don't see it as a question of obedience versus independence, it is just clouding the issue. Ask yourself whether your dh would deny you a day to yourself if you weren't in this state?

Agree with people who have said to change your counsellor. Find someone you really trust and spill your heart out, everything, every little detail. It's what they are there for. Don't think about what you are going to say in advance, let it all come out and be as upset as you need to be. You are only human and the right cousellor will guide you towards the things in your mind that need to be attended to.

Does your DH know how you really feel about the depression and the counselling at the moment?

That's what I was thinking Dittany.

everG No, he wouldn't deny me and he has never denied me anything.

I felt the panic when i read what you had felt in the hotel room and wondered if I would feel the same. I am scared of being alone but not good at being with others either.

In case it was missed. I am not going now. PIL are having the kids on friday all night so DH and I can have an evening, a lie in and a day together and I am going to try and work out more time for me. DH would rather i left the housework and did things for me.

dittany - yes, I have filed a complaint with social services but that isn't going to court. I am taking the man who abused me to court. The gp knows. I am sure that is why i was so affected when this other man and i started talking as he was my first friend after it happened and he really looked after me.

The counsellor I annoyed I never saw again. they phoned me a year later to offer a second appointment. I haven't had any conselling for about 3 years.

nab, you are reading stuff in that is not there

what i mean is, you ask MN to help you make decisions that are pertinent to your marriage and your own self esteem

you are looking for answers to questions that you don;t ask fully, and no-one here can answer anyway

nothing wrong at all with what you are posting, but you are asking a lot of people who don;t know you

you need people in RL who can support you and help you get well.

i have been where you are, i had severe depression and it lasted years.

i feel for you, but i know that the answers and help you need are not here

i sometimes get scared to say what i really feel in case they take my kids off me. i would never hurt them but what if they think i am really off the planet?