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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Going against my DH

141 replies

eNABlemetobebetter · 03/02/2009 16:02

I don't want to say what it is as I want genuine unbiased opinions.

There is something I want to do. It is just for me. I think it will help me. DH doesn't want me too as he doesn't think it will help. Am I a really bad wife to still do it?

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 03/02/2009 16:52

If all she wants are a few hours alone then why would a) her DH have any objections and b)she not just say that in the OP?

A few hours where to do what?

georgimama · 03/02/2009 16:52

Um, what Morris said, but with a few more sprinkles, ifs, buts, and maybes to make it sound a bit gentler.

Having read some of your previous threads I think

Your husband is a saint
He is probably really worried about your mental state at the moment
If he doesn't want you to do whatever this is, he probably has a really good reason, which means he thinks it is one of catmandu's three suggestions
If it is any of those things, I think you shouldn't do it.

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 03/02/2009 16:56

And that's the million dollar question Morris, and I suspect any of the possible answers are the reasons her husband is against the idea. I don't blame him.

poopscoop · 03/02/2009 16:56

I really don't think her DH would say he did not want her to do this thing, whatever it is, and clearly it is not just time on her own (only for a few hours, for a few weeks.

He has been brilliant by the sounds of it and certainly does not sound like a control freak, so would have thought he would have very validf reason for saying he would rather not.

I honestly think you should expand more NAB, it does seem a bit bizarre posting a question saying should you be allowed to do something on your own and expecting everyone to know what you are on about. Even with your past posts.

Original poster

eNABlemetobebetter · 03/02/2009 16:57

I went to sort out the kids

Will read what I have missed and come back

OP posts:

poopscoop · 03/02/2009 16:58

All these posters are here, showing you we are willing to help, whatever it is, so why not be a little more open and you may get the help you need.

Clattered · 03/02/2009 16:58

Morris, I would say a) some husbands are controlling - I've not read NAB's threads but from the comments here, that doesn't seem to be the case and b) I expect she has a reason which she doesn't want to express right now. Further to why her DH might have objections - well, she hasn't (yet) said what they are, so we can't really judge that.

It's a vague question (in the OP) hence it's hard to answer exactly.

Is it unreasonable for someone to deny their partner time alone? On the surface, no, it isn't. But clearly there are details here of which I know not.

Clattered · 03/02/2009 17:01

Oh gaaaah.

Ignore last few sentences in my previous post - yes it is unreasonable to deny your partner time alone.

BalsamicBreasts · 03/02/2009 17:02

Why be so vague though? I mean what's the point asking?

GossipMonger · 03/02/2009 17:03

ooh great name balsamic!

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 03/02/2009 17:03

she isn't at her best atm, I don't think. Perhaps not thinking clearly. Can I politely request (plead!) no pile-ons please!

dittany · 03/02/2009 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

eNABlemetobebetter · 03/02/2009 17:04

I guess what I wanted to do was irrelevant to me as the main point for me was was it okay to go against my DH.

It sounds really crazy, but I just think a few hours without any distractions, I can think about how I want to work things out, read all the advice, research the links and look at the books I have to try and work out why I can't get over this depression.

I am guessing DH doesn't want me to go as he is scared I might not come back or are going to do something stupid.

Maybe it would be easier to see if PIL will have the kids at theirs, DH can go off and have some boy time, and I can have the house to myself for the day. That is probably best as DH and I won't be far away and he can phone me whenever.

OP posts:

BalsamicBreasts · 03/02/2009 17:06

obey is a side issue here I think...sorry for sounding chippy, I must be channelling

GossipMonger · 03/02/2009 17:07

It wont be the end of it though.

I think for the PIL to have children and you and DH spend some quality time together would be far better for you.

Depression is an illness and you need some medical help imho.

dont go against your DH. Really. YOu need to work through this together and your DH sounds like he needs some support too.

georgimama · 03/02/2009 17:07

Of course it can be OK to do something your husband doesn't want you to do. You are an adult and make your own decisions.

In your situation all you can do is ask him to trust you (he does seem very trusting) and reassure him. Your idea sounds like the best way.

dittany · 03/02/2009 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

compo · 03/02/2009 17:08

so you want to be on your own for a few hours to sort your head out and your dh has said no?

Clattered · 03/02/2009 17:09

If you just want a day at home alone, I don't think that's too much to ask, unless there is something being left unsaid on this thread. I don't know the full story, NAB, but I would suggest you ask him exactly what his objections are.

dittany · 03/02/2009 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MorrisZapp · 03/02/2009 17:09

I don't get it, sorry.

You want time alone in your house but your DH says no?

Why does he say he doesn't want you to read about depression?

MrsMattie · 03/02/2009 17:10

Sorry NAB, you've lost me, love. I have been following your threads, so am sort of in the loop, but not sure what exactly it is you are asking of your DH? Some time away?

Original poster

eNABlemetobebetter · 03/02/2009 17:13

Sorry dittany, I wasn't ignoring you. I missed it. I have a couple of hours alone 4 days a week when DS2 is at playschool but I am doing houseowrk then.

I wanted to go away for a day. I thought that was the only way I could truly get some space to think.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 03/02/2009 17:13

NAB - haven't read all your threads but have an idea of your recent situation and I think you are grieving for something, perhaps the loss of your fantasy situation.
I can see why some free time with no distractions might help, but you are unlikely to resolve all your issues and get your answers in a few short hours, so I agree with your DH in that respect.

OTOH, you need to work it out so perhaps you can arrange some time every week for you to do your research etc. You also really should use counselling time to open up about what is really going on - if you don't access the truth, it won't heal properly (bit like getting all the pus out of zits). BUt it can take ~2 years to cut through all the surface defence mechanisms before you really get to the nub of the situation and I think you need answers way before then!

Perhaps look at some bereavement sites, like Cruse for e.g. - it might seem a tad melodramatic to some but you have experienced a loss and a death of sorts.

Clattered · 03/02/2009 17:14

Can you book yourself a day at a spa, NAB?

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