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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He followed the script!!!

226 replies

shockedandawed · 11/01/2009 21:27

Namechanger.

First he didn't recognise the number and didn't know her. Then maybe she was trying to blackmail him. Then she was blackmailing him but nothing happened. Then I found the text messages and..... you guessed it, it was just a kiss(or three) that never meant anything and when he told her it was over she went psycho and threatened to tell me. He swears they never slept together. Says he loves me and the DDs doesn't want to lose us etc.

Begged me not to read the texts, begged me not to call her (he even disconnected the line into the house ). I called her number and she denied knowing him. I sent a text from his phone saying "Please don't tell my wife. Don't call, text me" and she sent 7 back saying she loves him and he loves her and she doesn't care what I think because they are together.

He works abroad, she lives there. I found out because I had a haunch (I guess it's true thata a wife always knows) and she called me but hung up. Going for full STI screening tomorrow. Calling my solicitor tomorrow. Then I need to wait and see how I feel I guess. Right now feel like I'm watching a movie. Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
moondog · 11/01/2009 21:29

Don't know the background but what a useless snivelling knob.
Boot him out.

kormachameleon · 11/01/2009 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Monkeyblue · 11/01/2009 21:32

What a wanker

All the best for tomorrow your doing the right thing

shockedandawed · 11/01/2009 21:51

Thanks. I just feel like everything I've put into the marriage all these years have just been thrown in my face. How does anyone rebuild trust after something like this?

OP posts:
Heated · 11/01/2009 22:02

Really sorry Shockedandawed, your name change aptly describes how any of us would feel. Hope this doesn't come across the wrong way but am impressed at how incisively you got to the truth...your dh should be gobsmacked and not a little frightened.

You're doing all the right practical things re solicitor and maybe wise to not have joint bank accounts/credit cards.

Once the practical stuff is done, that is when the emotional shock sets in. Have you got family/friends to lean on?

Tortington · 11/01/2009 22:06

thank god you are having the screen and seeing a solicitor, i had all about given up on women on MN who let their husbands and partners away with about anything.

AnyFucker · 11/01/2009 22:13

hear hear custy

I too was feeling very despondent about some of the posts recently where women seemed to think their only course of action when faced with such twattery was to roll over and take it

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 11/01/2009 22:13

I am very proud of you. You have strength. Why oh why can they not just have the balls to hold up their hands and admit what they've done?

It's just rubbing salt in the wound to stand in your face and lie when you are waving the proof around.

Where is he atm?

shockedandawed · 11/01/2009 22:17

Have told my parents and brother and I've made him tell his sister. I just feel numb.

OP posts:
Doodle2U · 11/01/2009 22:18

Good luck for tomorrow S&A.

shockedandawed · 11/01/2009 22:18

He's tidying up the kitchen - go figure! Suddenly he takes an interest in housework!

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 11/01/2009 22:19

no words of wisdom, but well done for getting such an early grip on the practicalities, and hope the appointments go well.

CharCharGabor · 11/01/2009 22:21

So sorry shockedandawed

SwedesInACape · 11/01/2009 22:29

Sorry to hear this. You must feel sick.

He really needs to start being totally honest with you. He needs to do that now so you can decide properly what you want to happen next. Take your time and impress upon him the need for total honesty. Tell him it's a further kick in the stomach to keep going with silly lies now.

Good luck.

nkf · 11/01/2009 22:30

Are you going to divorce him?
Take care of yourself.

lessonlearned · 11/01/2009 22:43

Well done for acting so quickly and rationally! Good luck with your screening and decisions.

stitch · 11/01/2009 22:47

just want to add my message of support, and awe, at how well you are dealing with htis.
kick him out, and make sure he gets what he deserves.
lots of luck,

blinks · 11/01/2009 22:47

i can guarantee he'll be like a lapdog in the hope you'll just forget about it.

shockedandawed · 11/01/2009 22:47

Just talked and told him he had one last chance to tell the truth. So apparently, she went back to his apartment and they were going to have sex but he was too drunk to get it up so they just slept in the same bed.

OP posts:
blinks · 11/01/2009 22:48

bollox

AnyFucker · 11/01/2009 22:50

bull shit

beanieb · 11/01/2009 22:50

I would say bollox too, and I think you know it!

If you are even contemplating trying to make it work then it must be on the condition that he is totally honest about everything you need to know. Sounds to me like he isn't being.

Heated · 11/01/2009 22:55

Is that what he came up with whilst cleaning the kitchen? He's probably hoping that the 'I was so bladdered it affected my thinking as well as my dick' is going to be a good enough excuse to get him out of this mess.

Strangely my hb's best friend said this too, when caught.

In a way it doesn't matter if he did or didn't, because the 7 texts confirm they were involved.

Tortington · 11/01/2009 22:56

thats bullshit - and you know it is

you are at a stage wher e you want to believe everything he says.

but the thing is - its gonna hit you like a drip drip drip effect - the things he has done the lies, the recipts, where was he on the x of oct, when he said he was in xxx?

hindsight will but be banging constantly at your door and all the little things will come together

and you will think things like

what if - i hadn't caught him

does he really love her

does a woman really love him THIS much - with no sex?

is sedx the cruz of the matter here? was it the lies and the deceipt

was it that he did it at all
was it that he got found out
was it that he didnt own up
was it the fact that he just fucked up your lives.
was it that he thinks you are stupid.
a man abroad in another country - he didn't pick her up in a bar
this has been something that has been going on for a while - clearly.

but he didn't fuck her?
he thinks your a bit thick.

and then you think to yourself - how dare he fuck this girl in a nother country and try to tell me lie after lie after lie
i don't know the numnber
ok i do - she's a loon
no, she is fixated, it was entrapment
she wants money
no dont phone her, dont check
ok shit, errr it was a thing
platonic
ok - thas not going to fly...right...ok then i tried to fuck her but i was drunk.

Phew lets hope that does it - plausible, and lets hope that she forgets thatthis wasn't a one night stand in a a bar but this is a woman that is clearly very emotionally invested.

he is a lying cocksucking scumbag shithead that has been caught.

make sure of your position boith with health and finances.

give yourself time to think things through to put the pieces together.

if you have the space and the finances - ask him to leave for a while - i would.

HolyGuacamole · 11/01/2009 23:01

I'm with the people who congratulate you on not putting up with this and for taking action, seeing your solicitor and getting tested.

Sorry this has happened to you....but....I am glad that you have found out and that you are not putting up with it.

Also, if they didn't shag due to drunkenness, what about the next morning? They just parted ways and then started to text their love to each other?! Yeah right. He is a liar!

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