He followed the script!!!

[shockedandawed]

Namechanger.

First he didn't recognise the number and didn't know her. Then maybe she was trying to blackmail him. Then she was blackmailing him but nothing happened. Then I found the text messages and..... you guessed it, it was just a kiss(or three) that never meant anything and when he told her it was over she went psycho and threatened to tell me. He swears they never slept together. Says he loves me and the DDs doesn't want to lose us etc.

Begged me not to read the texts, begged me not to call her (he even disconnected the line into the house ). I called her number and she denied knowing him. I sent a text from his phone saying "Please don't tell my wife. Don't call, text me" and she sent 7 back saying she loves him and he loves her and she doesn't care what I think because they are together.

He works abroad, she lives there. I found out because I had a haunch (I guess it's true thata a wife always knows) and she called me but hung up. Going for full STI screening tomorrow. Calling my solicitor tomorrow. Then I need to wait and see how I feel I guess. Right now feel like I'm watching a movie. Any advice gratefully received.

shocked, I'm so, so sorry

words fail me

Hi shocked So very sorry this has happened to you - it is bad enough to find out the person you love and trust has cheated on you but for the ow to be harrassing you the way that she is must be awful.

I know from experience that it will take a while for you to start to feel better.

As soon as you feel up to it, start doing things just for you. Get out and keep fit, run, cycle, anything that gets the endorphins going in your system. Dont underestimate the power of keeping fit. Personally, it has been a life saver for me and I really enjoy it.

Great for anger management too!!

Wish I could help more - but apart from offerring somewhere to stay if you want to get away to Scotland, there isn't much I can do.

Look after yourself - you dont deserve this shit

Stirling, thanks for your kind words. I know your story and you are truly an inspiration. Thanks to everyone on here for your advice and support. It really kills me to realise that the person who promised to love, honour and cherish me in front of all my friends and family could do this to me and total strangers who don't know me are the ones to lift me up in time of need. Will this pain ever go away?

She sounds like a hard faced calculating bitch very desperate woman. Hope your DH feels like the biggest loser to fall for a conartist like this and an even bigger heel for making you and Dcs pay the price! You are in for a long 3 weeks (?) until you get all the results. My heart goes out to you.

Soz, Hyphen probs.

Just wanted to say yes, the pain does go away. not immediately but really it does, and when it does, you will feel a million times better being a single parent than being in a bad relationship, trust me.

It is a shock , and it does take a while to come to terms with it ( counselling really helped me)
But now, a couple of years down the line I look at him and think, what on earth did I see in him?

Thanks bluejelly. I've got an appointment with a counsellor tomorrow - not sure whether to go by myself or to make him come too. Unfortunately I have to go back to the clinic tomorrow as well as they couldn't get any blood today.

He kept saying how sorry he was to be putting me through this. Well, he should have thought about it at the time. He keeps saying he only shared a bed with her and that it was a drunken mistake. I was so enraged by it all that I smashed every bottle of alcohol in the house out on the patio. I also told him that if another drop of alcohol ever passes his lips again then he won't ever see us again whether I decide to take him back or not. If he can't control himself when he's drinking then he shouldn't fucking drink.

OW is still texting a list of things she wants. I've got all the phones in the house and I'm ignoring her. Hopefully she'll get the message, fuck off and leave us alone.

What a bloody nightmare! You sound sorted out and strong though- thinking of you and hoping for the best x x x

Well done for getting through the clinic ordeal shockedandawed.

I am just getting on, getting through the day, still haven't told anyone but getting more and more angry just thinking that this has been going on since October.

Does anyone think I should confront her?

DHreadmythread - confronting her would make you feel better.....but only for a short while. Maybe I am wrong but it might be better if you could share your anger with someone in RL? A friend/relative/counsellor to ease the feeling of confrontation? Don't get me wrong, I know how angry you feel and I'd be the same but from an outside point of view, what would you gain from it? You know what has been going on and what can she say to make you feel better?

I sort of think, rise above it. Be more dignified than her. I don't think she deserves your attention. You are better than her.

However, I honestly don't know what I'd do if it were me, I'm just thinking of your own sanity. Imagine you confronted her, what would you say?

What do you hope to gain by confronting her? Is she likely to be truly sorry about the hurt she has caused or is she likely to go on the offensive? The thing is, if you feel the need to confront her, then you should. But you've got to be prepared for the hurt it will cause particularly as you thought of her as a friend.

dhreadmythread - I dont think you shoudl confont her

its fine to be angry. i think you shoudl channel that anger into energy to make life better for you and your kids. do not waste any of your precious time & energy on her

Thanks for your advice ladies, I would never go round to her house shouting. But somehow I would like her to know that I know. I am bound to bump into her sooner or later, she'll know then just by the look on my face.

I know how much it hurts when OW's an outsider, a complete unknown that I'm never likely to meet. I cannot imagine what it would be like she were a friend. I tend to think that if she knows that you know it probably won't make a difference to her. Afterall, she knew your H was married, she knows you, your dds play together and she was still capable of this. Some people are just heartless I think and some men for some reason decide to migrate their thinking faculties to their crotch!

I think you are right, he thinks he's found a soul mate- she may feel the same but in a few months they'll realise it was just cheap thrills and attention seeking, she's a diva IME.

She obviously cares nothing for my family or her own.

He says our relationship was already broken but has gone away to 'sort his head out' I don't give a toss about his head right now, unless it's separated from his body.

When your car breaks down, you generally try to fix it first before sending it to the scrap heap. Why do so many men think that if there's a problem in a marriage they can just bail out without trying to fix it and shag the first piece of skirt that comes along? Then invariably come running back when the bubble has burst only to wallow in self-pity and try to project their inadequacies on their poor wives?

My H says the OW "supported" him. So I asked what kind of support he needed that he wasn't getting from me. I'm the main breadwinner (although he tells everyone otherwise). When we met I wiped out my savings to clear his debt, fixed his credit rating, helped him progress in his career, supported him when he wanted to do a course - and when he subsequently changed his mind after spending a couple of thousands on it, told his mum where to go when she told me he was a liar and that I could never believe a word he says. I supported him when he quit a good job to go to one that eventually fell apart even when I advised against it, I even accepted the blame for the damage that did to his career even though the circumstances were beyond my control. I was his sounding board for any problems he's had. I supported him even when he's let me down before. I put up with the sleepless nights when he drank himself into such a state he snored like a space rocket blasting off, put up with the excessive spending. But I guess in the end that wasn't supportive enough. I have invested my all into this relationship - into him. If he'd asked for more I'd have found a way to give more but instead he took it upon himself to decide that the "support" was to be found in some illiterate, money-grabbing, deranged bitch.

Frankly, I want to get these cheating bastards and give them a collective slap and a few home truths. If they think they can do better outside their marriages when they have been too chicken-shit to step up to the plate and deal with the problems like adults then good luck to them. MN is full of inspirational stories of women who have been shat on from a great height and have come out on top. Your H doesn't need to sort his head out, he needs to get it out from his rectal passage!

Oh my God - you are so right, he has had his head up his arse for so many years..

He has a good job, earns good money which has bought us a nice house etc, but my god, has he moaned about it. He has been disatisfied with life as long as I have known him.

We have a great life, two wonderful children but he finds something to complain about every single day.
Your experience sounds very familiar, binge drinking to embarrasing extents, contstant overspending (two weeks before Christmas, I had to put things back at the supermarket checkout, but the same week, he spent $1000 dollars on skis ). I have talked him through all the years of 'I don't know what to do with my life' not to mention an infidelity when my youngest was a baby.

He's rude to my family and friends, bizzare and obsessive in the house. You know right now, I'm thinking the OW can keep him, she'll soon discover what a catch he is.

Sorry to hijack your thread shocked, is your H at home now? Do you just want the psycho to stop contacting you both or do you still feel that you want to know more?

How are you coping with being around him everyday? I feel so relieved now H is not here, I don't have to think about what hé's done all the time and can just get on with looking after my dds.

I am going to bed now, hope you have a better day tomorrow.

I've barely slept for 3 days but he's done this and he's merrily snoring away. He had the cheek to ask if he was allowed back in the marital bed.... errr, I DON'T THINK SO! Meanwhile, the OW is still sending her incoherent texts. Can't wait to get the numbers changed.

Your post there, sounded so like me I couldn't believe it. I got the you didn't support me, listen to me etc etc. So untrue. I gave up everything for him and moved half way round the world too. Funnily enough even that and our two beautiful children wasn't enough to stop him moving on. The last comment was we've nothing in common any more and that was a complete killer. I'm in the States too by the way. So if you ever need an off Mumsnet friend let me know.

He's at home but sleeping in separate rooms. Frankly, I'm okay with him being here because it seems he is very good at compartmentalizing things so he has to watch me go through this pain and see the devastation he's caused every day.

He's not allowed to use any contact with her. I have all the phones in the house and I'm just reading her texts as they come in to see if there is more to this sordid affair. I want her to leave us alone so that we can start to deal with the fallout of this.

He seems to really want another chance but the trust is gone so I'm just waiting now to see how I feel in the coming days. I've told him that even if I agree to try to work this out he'll never have my unconditional love again but he seems to think that maybe I'll feel differently in 10/20 years. He's asked for time to come up with practical solutions to the problem. He's going to get help for his drinking problems (starting with a support group tomorrow). He wants to go to marriage counselling and he says he'll do anything else I might ask of him if it gives "us" a chance.

The sticking point for me at the moment is the job and I''m not really seeing a way around that. If he goes back to work there then she won't leave him alone and I don't trust him anymore so that will always be an issue. Also, if he knocks her back, she has already threatened to get some thugs to deal with him and judging from her behaviour I wouldn't put it past her. If on the other hand he gives up the job to try to work on the marriage, I can't give any guarantees at this point that we will work out and even if we do, how long before he starts to resent me for making him give up a job that he loves (even though it's not my fault). If he asks for a transfer it could take months and frankly, if I were his boss and he approached me with a transfer request, I would fire him for having such poor judgement as to let this situation occur in the first place. So it feels like either way there's no "win" iyswim. Any advice on that would be much appreciated.

havent read all this but a couple of things from your last post hit a chord with me.
My h had an affair with work collegue.
I too did not want to 'force' him to give up his job for a marriage i could not say would survive.
However i would state your case calmly and rationally to him - and i think it is impossible for them to work together again fwiw. But that is his problem not yours - stop taking any of the blame for his mistakes and stop trying to fix things - let him change the numbers of the phones ect - that way you would know he wanted to change them himself and is not just going along with what you want for an easy life at the moment.
You know you are worth so much more than this - let him start proving it to you and then maybe you will once again see why you do love him.

I know it is hard but you must let him get himself out of this mess and if he truely will do anything he will find a way.

My h has put in so much effort to save our marriage - it is not perfect but good at the moment - i do believe he will continue to do all he can.

He did try and work with ow but her bitterness led to a breakdown between them which was not good for the firm and one of them had to go - my h was lucky enough to find another (slightly better paid job) and so left the firm looking like the hero too.

I wish i had been stronger and stated that i could not cope with him working with her - but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I cannot cope with my h working with the woman he had an emotional affair with. He says he cannot do anything about it, he part owns the firm. She will not leave. It is an awful situation. You cannot ever relax knowing she is still there.

I wonder if it would be a good idea or not to just send her one text saying something like

"You are not getting one single penny but feel free to keep spending your money on texts and phone calls forever."

Which might make her realise that you are not going to pay her to go away.

Re the job - if he doesn't pay her off - is he going to be safe to go back? She might be full of crap or she might be able to carry out her threat. That is something you have to consider.

It might be that she is a professional con artist - latching on to certain men and scamming money from them (it happens - did he buy her stuff or give her money when he was there? Maybe she used him as much as he used her. Maybe she saw him coming a mile away!)

or it might be that she feels utterly betrayed and is furious and wants to make him pay.

Who knows? It's not your problem anyway, how she feels, but whatever has made her behave like this, whatever she wants - I don't think she is just going to give up and go away - esp if he goes back to the job. And especially if she continues to think that she can harrass you into paying her off. A clear message is needed here.

So sorry to hear that he is now saying stuff about the 'support' she gave him. Don't let him turn this into your fault, though you sound strong and so I expect there is no way you will let that happen!