He followed the script!!!

[shockedandawed]

Namechanger.

First he didn't recognise the number and didn't know her. Then maybe she was trying to blackmail him. Then she was blackmailing him but nothing happened. Then I found the text messages and..... you guessed it, it was just a kiss(or three) that never meant anything and when he told her it was over she went psycho and threatened to tell me. He swears they never slept together. Says he loves me and the DDs doesn't want to lose us etc.

Begged me not to read the texts, begged me not to call her (he even disconnected the line into the house ). I called her number and she denied knowing him. I sent a text from his phone saying "Please don't tell my wife. Don't call, text me" and she sent 7 back saying she loves him and he loves her and she doesn't care what I think because they are together.

He works abroad, she lives there. I found out because I had a haunch (I guess it's true thata a wife always knows) and she called me but hung up. Going for full STI screening tomorrow. Calling my solicitor tomorrow. Then I need to wait and see how I feel I guess. Right now feel like I'm watching a movie. Any advice gratefully received.

Feeling a bit better tonight. Just had a relaxing bath and I feel almost human again. Going to get my hair done tomorrow and then probably having lunch with my mum. I hope you are doing well today.

Spoke to SIL today and she's begging me to give him a chance - looks like he asked her to talk to me. H and I had a talk this evening and he seems to understand that it'll take a while before I decide where we go from here. Got a new SIM card today for him and I've told him he's not allowed to give the number out to anyone.

He's joining a smart recovery programme run by our counselor to deal with his alcohol issues and he's busy doing the homework now. He asked me this evening if it really helps to know everything which indicates that at some level at least he's acknowledging his fuck up. He's talking when I need him to and isn't defensive when we talk. He wrote me a 14-page letter this morning which I've just read. TBH he seems very messed up and on a self-destruct path and I'm not sure even he knows why.

I don't want to get too hopeful about things at the moment until my emotions settle down and I feel more sure of how I feel and where I want to go. It's hard trying to keep things normal for the dds but they are providing a much needed distraction at the moment. I've got the books recommended by the counselor and a few others to so I'll start to make my way through them.

Everyone else who is going through this I hope you doing well today.

my h was too on a self destruct road.
He will need to do an awful lot of work on himself to make sure this does not happen again. Just beware he is not just doing things at the moment to give him time - there is no quick fix to this and i wonder if he knew how long it will take he would be as willing to put the effort in.

We are more than 2 years on and even now i dont feel i can trust him totally - i so want to but i just cant - he understands and so still is open and honest - he says he would rather live like this than lose me again..

I dont bring it up in a bitter way - which was my one fear - it is now just part of our life and it does pop up from time to time but i really dont feel the need to punish him for it now.

I think that is where you need to get to - there is a time for making him suffer - and that is now and then there has to be an acceptance of it being over for ever.
Good luck

shocked - time is they key here, it will take time before you know up from down in this situation. If he is serious about fixing things then he will respect that you need time to process it all and get to a point where you can trust your instincts and make any decisions.

I still echo Solidgoldbrass, I think he has treated you/thought of you more like a mother than a wife but I guess that doesn't mean that he can't recognise and change that - with counselling perhaps.

(HoochieMama - I used to be AccioMarsBar!!!)

I'm doing okay. I have periods when I can fool myself into pretending it hasn't happened and then something small brings it all back. I'm managing to stay calm mostly but have had the occasional episode of screaming like a banshee just to get some of the frustration out. I got my hair done today and spent a few hours with my parents this evening which was a nice distraction. I even managed to have a bit of dinner.

Spoke to the bank today and hopefully the mortgage review will be done tomorrow so I can get the UK house in my name only. Spoke to my BF today about it and it was good to get it all out. Have another session booked with the counselor tomorrow but I'm not sure I want to go. H is begging me to go and to give him another chance. TBH I'm feeling quite numb.

Hi Shocked,
Glad you have a house in the UK - I wish I hadn't sold mine when I moved out here (after our first breakup), everyone told me not to.

I went back to work today after a long Christmas break, I thought it would be good to be out and busy, but actually I found it quite hard - feeling vulnerable i suppose.

He phoned tonight and we are going to meet at the weekend. He said he's made an appointment to speak to a counsellor- that's good I think. For him anyway.

Hi dhread, I 'm sorry to hear you're finding it hard at work. Very understandable of course. That's one of the things I'm thankful for as I'm not going back to work until June.

Are you going to go to counseling together or separately? Have you plucked up the courage to tell anyone yet? I know how hard it is. When I called the bank this morning the mortgage advisor (who knows us quite well) asked why I wanted it changed and I nearly burst into tears.

I'm not sure what to do about the house here as we're in a community state. I guess I need to get off my backside at some point and get my own attorney to sort that out.

Has he ended it with OW or is he still "thinking"? I hope it goes well at the weekend and like I said, if you need to talk to someone, just email me and we can exchange numbers.

I have been lurking because I have nothing useful to say except I'm so sad for all of you who are going through this and am thinking of you and sending most un-MN-like ((((((((HUGS))))))).

Thanks jacksmama. All cyber-hugs gratefully received.

Went with him (reluctantly) to see the counselor today. The session went okay but I'm still not sure it's going to help in terms of us staying married. All I'm after at this point is to reach forgiveness because whether I stay with him or not I need to forgive for my own health and sanity.

After much begging and hand wringing on his part, I've agreed to wait until 14th June (exactly 6 months) before starting divorce proceedings. He seems to think that if he can gain just a sliver of trust in that time then I might be inclined to give him another chance. I know how I feel now and I doubt very much that it's going to change a great deal in 6 months but I'll wait - primarily because the time frame suits me as I'll be back in the UK then.

In the mean time, I'm separating all our financial ties etc. and preparing everything for June. Even if by some miracle I change my mind by then things will never be the way they were before. Only one test result is back and thankfully that's clear. I just hope the rest come back soon.

dhreadmythread, alipiggie, OhFeck, hope you are all doing okay.

Oh boy shocked. ((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
I'm so glad that the first test came back negative. Good luck with the other ones.
for you.
I can't imagine how you feel and don't want to. DH came home yesterday and I have him a huge hug and said "thank you for not being an arsehole". He looked mystified and then said "what have you been reading on MN?" (Which he calls CrackNet.)
Good luck all of you.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I do hope that you can work through this if it what you want, but if you find that actually, you are not able to still be married to this man, you will not be able to divorce him using grounds of adultery after SIX months from the date you became aware of the adulterous act. After that period, in law, you are viewed to have 'condoned' the act, therefore invalidating it as grounds for divorce.

You may want to give this six months MINUS say, a week, so this is still an option for you?

Am thinking of you as have gone through something similiar.

Just read through this whole thread in one go, what a twat! Hope you are doing ok today - squidlers post gives me concern, does your husband know this about the 6month thing? I wouldn't promise him any time frames or commitments, tell him you are functioning on a day to day basis, and time will tell. If the six month thing is right, then bear that in mind for yourself in terms of where you stand legally.

Squidler is right. Shockedandawed - so very sorry to hear what you've been going through. I went through it myself a year ago. H and I are still together but only because he was honest (after lying for two days) and told me everything. I needed to know everything. Like Happywoman, I can't trust him completely - and that makes me really sad sometimes. Most of the time I'm happy enough though.
Reading your thread is like reading through my own. I wouldn't have got through it without the support on here (name changed at the time). Can totally relate to the not eating, not sleeping. It gradually gets better. Try to do some pampering things, which I know is not easy with two small children. Get h to have them whilst you go out for lunch with a friend for eg. H is probably writing to you because he can't speak to you. Emotional illiteracy - many men have this problem. I know you are not yet sure whether you will stay with him but if you do, you might want to consider getting him to tell someone he is close to. I told my h I wanted him to tell his sister. I felt it would make what he'd done seem more real. He was compartmentalising his life and I worried that not telling anyone would somehow mean that the gravity of what he'd done would somehow elude him. I really really feel for you. You seem so strong and together but I can imagine how badly you are hurting right now

shocked, I have read the whole thread and have been lurking for a little while. I am SO sorry for you, its a really unenviable position to be in, but you are coping admirably and are obviously a strong, wonderful woman.

I'm also concerned about the six months thing. Not just because of the legal implications. Please tell me if I have the wrong end of the stick here, but it seems as though he cried a lot and you agreed to his terms because there was something in it for you (being back in the UK by then). I understand that to you, this seems like a workable arrangement. However, I think that his behaviour has lost him the right to make bargains like that with you. And I'd be very if I was on the receiving end of all that boohooing and realized I was expected to go along with what they wanted.

Totally agree with those who say take it day by day. You owe him nothing at this point, so just concentrate on you and reserve the right to do whatever you damn well please. You don't know how you will feel in a week, a month. Sorry, but your situation makes me really on your behalf. I think you've been incredibly restrained, but please don't be emotionally blackmailed into doing things his way.

Huge hugs to you, in a non-MN kind of way

so his mother was right all along: he is a liar and you can't trust anything he says

Thanks for the heads up squidler. The solicitor never mentioned a time limit to me but I'll give her a call tomorrow to ask about that. Do you know if the fact I'm going for legal separation now has any bearing on the time limit for divorce on the grounds of adultery? What she said to me was that the legal separation would make any future divorce easier and more straight forward.

My emotions are all over the place at the moment so I'm just trying to keep to myself and sort myself out. We talked again last night and he said he just got tired of looking after me (difficult pregnancy and working full-time 12+ hour days) which is why he was so horrible to me after DD2 was born. Apparently he was attracted to her because she was everything I wasn't i.e. always smiling, never tired, lavishing him with attention etc. That just felt like a kick in the gut but it also made me angry. Angry because I never signed up to be a single parent within a marriage just so he could go have his ego (and various bits of his anatomy) massaged by some crazy slut.

Anyway, I'm doing a bit better today. Thanks everyone for your support. I don't know where I'd be without MN.

What a bastard

shockedandawed glad you're moving forward in one way. My ExH said the same things to me too - I was always tired, never wanted sex and was boring and only wanted to watch the TV . Well 2 kids only 18mnths apart and no support network sort of does that too you. But as he's always been one to commute for work he was off before the boys were up and back when they were in bed. We became the kids and I a self-sufficient unit. I had to deal with everything on my own. So that bit didn't phase me after the separation. What pisses me off now is that he has one kid at time and then today was too busy to have either. What does he think am I - a lazy good for nothing.

Enough of my moaning. I just wish I could move on away from the hurt, but it keeps coming back. They really don't have a clue how much they've hurt us do they. Sending everyone in the same boat all my hugs for a better week for us all.

Hi, update from me, met with H last night, we actually went out for dinner! I didn't think I would be able to but some good advice from a friend got me thinking that shutting down channels of communication will not do me anygood whatever happens.

So we talked a bit about what went wrong and how he's feeling. He told me he and OW have agreed not to contact each other as she has told her H and they are trying to work things out.

I felt better after seeing him but totally unsure if I would ever be able to get over his betrayal. I really don't know. I am so angry and hurt, and mostly even more mistrustful than ever.

So no idea about the future still, I still want to tell everyone I know what lowlives they both are, but I haven't.

Dhreadmythread - dont protect him any further - if you are to get over it you mustnt feel any shame of what he has done - it was all his making and not yours - let him face the music of his actions.

It really helped when i told people - it makes it more real and you will be surprised how supportive people can be.

If it is work again he will need to do a lot of soul searching too and you will both need to talk about it.

shockedandawed - if you decide to legally separate then yes, the rules on grounds for adultery change. You only cant use it after six months if you having been living as husband and wife during the six month time period but PLEASE check this information with your solicitor as my divorce was six years ago and it may have changed.

Oh, and one thing - when I got divorced, my solicitor said one thing to me that really stuck with me, that I hated at the time. She told me that adultery was not usually the casue of marriage breakdown, rather it was the result.

It took me a good few years after to really understand that, but now I agree. This in no way excuses or condones the acts that your husband did, after all, his behaviour is his responsibilty and his alone. But it made me think about my part without any guilt that it was 'my fault'.

Sometimes, we want the details, but when we know them, or have told them, realise that perhaps we didnt really. We just wanted to make the person say them to us, without actually having to hear them, if you know what I mean?

Hi everyone. Thank you all so much for your support. I just wanted to give an update on where things are. Just got back from a week's break in Canada. Despite not feeling up to going it was fun and the DDs had a whale of a time. It also gave us an opportunity to talk without the pressure of anyone else around.

Got the all clear from the STI screening which was a huge relief. Spoke to solicitor and going ahead with legal separation. Still not decided if I'm going to give him another chance or not but I'm getting my ducks lined up just in case.

Not feeling so much anxiety and panic over it and I can go a few hours without thinking about it so at least I'm making progress. Haven't heard from the OW as well which helps although she did call my number a few times last week just before we left and hung up (obviously getting frustrated because H's number is disconnected).

I'm not sure I'm actually closer to understanding why it happened. He just says he got drunk, thought of it as "a bit of harmless fun", was full of himself, didn't say no, wasn't thinking and forgot how much he loves me. How the fuck do you forget about your wife and kids??? And what's to stop him forgetting us all over again?

He is bending over backwards at the moment, it's like he's turned over a new tree. It's like the old him has taken up residence in his body again, it's weird. He says he won't give up on "us" and that if it takes 15 years I'll learn to trust him again. He even went and had the snip today because the day he finally confessed, in a blind rage I said I didn't want any b***d children of his turning up someday to cheat my DDs out of what's rightfully theirs (not proud of myself but I was seeing red at the time). He's very squeamish and faints on the sight of a needle so I'm surprised he went through with it. He's in quite a bit of pain and I overheard him swearing at himself earlier (he didn't know I was in earshot) about going through this "all for the sake of a stupid drunken fumble that I can't even remember".

My mum thinks he's genuinely sorry now and that I should forgive him - but apparently she's going to not forgive him on my behalf (can't beat a mother's logic sometimes ). I'm not making any decisions right now. I'm going to wait until I feel like I'm all "talked out" and just take each day as it comes.

Ye wise ladies of MN have been a lifesaver. Thank you so much for helping me through the darkest days and making sure I didn't scar by DDs for life with too many crazed outbursts. Dhreadmythread, alipiggie, hope you guys are doing fine.
x

Wow - you sound so much stronger - dont worry if you change your mind a bit - you are still recovering from the shock, and its ok to not know what you want.

Dont try and understand why it happened either - i have spent a long time trying to figure it out and i think it happens because it can.
There are many woman who are willing to sleep with married men and unfortunately too many married men get carried away with the flatery and attention - i really dont think many actually want to hurt their wives and it dosent even enter their heads (yes we find it hard to accept that - but i truely believe they are only thinking about the moment of pleasure). I think the woman in these cases however do realise the havoc they can cause and justify it to themselves by saying the wife is not their lookout - also they think like woman and so think he must be unhappy to be doing this.

It can work if you see it as a huge mistake on his part and allow him to do everything he can to re-build the trust (although i dont think it ever returns - you just learn t accept it).

Anyway good luck in your decision.

he knew you werein earshot. That is not how people talk to themselves when they are alone.

Hi Shocked- good to see you on this thread again, I was wondering how you were doing - glad you enjoyed your trip to Canada - bloody cold up here isn't it?

Sounds like you are feeling much more positive, Like you I still don't really know how I feel about the future. My H came home for the weekend, (he's still living elsewhere) and we had were able to talk and it was nice to spend time together.

He is not seeing her anymore, I think he wants to try and make it work between us - and I think I do- I am still very attracted to him (shockíng- I know) and I feel like I can love him again.

I am just so angry about the deception - it's getting to me today, I keep going back over all the times that we were wíth OW and her husband as a couple. I even invited her to my house FGS. I feel so betrayed and foolish. I don't know how I would ever be able to forget/ forgive him for that.

I haven't come face to face with her yet and don't really know how I'll react when I do.. Any ideas? I will probably have the dc with me though so most of the things I would like to say are not allowed !