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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He followed the script!!!

226 replies

shockedandawed · 11/01/2009 21:27

Namechanger.

First he didn't recognise the number and didn't know her. Then maybe she was trying to blackmail him. Then she was blackmailing him but nothing happened. Then I found the text messages and..... you guessed it, it was just a kiss(or three) that never meant anything and when he told her it was over she went psycho and threatened to tell me. He swears they never slept together. Says he loves me and the DDs doesn't want to lose us etc.

Begged me not to read the texts, begged me not to call her (he even disconnected the line into the house ). I called her number and she denied knowing him. I sent a text from his phone saying "Please don't tell my wife. Don't call, text me" and she sent 7 back saying she loves him and he loves her and she doesn't care what I think because they are together.

He works abroad, she lives there. I found out because I had a haunch (I guess it's true thata a wife always knows) and she called me but hung up. Going for full STI screening tomorrow. Calling my solicitor tomorrow. Then I need to wait and see how I feel I guess. Right now feel like I'm watching a movie. Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
dhreadmythread · 11/01/2009 23:03

Oh god, I am going through the exact same thing at the moment too. In fact he left today. First he had 'feelings', then an 'emotional connection' next I find he's been meeting her in pubs, then he tells me he's 'very attracted'to her, and finally this morning before he left, it came out that they had kissed but hadn't gone further because they had not been in a private place together (yet) ...

I'm so fucking disgusted that he has decieved me, so sorry for you, someone said to me on another thread that men are like monkeys - they don't let go of one branch until they've got hold of another - how bloody true,

Keep strong, you have done nothing wrong, well done for telling family, I haven't and feel like I am protecting him.

ilovelovemydog · 11/01/2009 23:04

yup - think Custardo has it summed up

CandleQueen · 11/01/2009 23:07

What a spineless little shit. If he hasn't got the balls to be honest with you then you're doing the sensible thing getting sorted with solicitor and health check.
Cleaning the kitchen FFS?!

stitch · 11/01/2009 23:08

listen to custy. she is wise.

beanieb · 11/01/2009 23:10

Absolutely Custardo.

Heated · 11/01/2009 23:11

He's obviously desperate...he thinks he is minimising the damage... rather than in all likelihood making you more incensed that he can't just be goddamn upfront and honest.

Don't know if it matters at all, but is he desperate at being caught or desperate not to lose you?

Have to go now, but fwiw it might be a good idea to have an honest discussion where you both say what you feel and then ask him to leave for a while to give you some breathing space and then meet to discuss what you both want.

Original poster
shockedandawed · 11/01/2009 23:13

Like I told him, he swore on the lives of my children that there was nothing going on yesterday morning and less than 24hours later he had me backed in a corner on his knees begging me not to read the texts. He must think I'm an idiot.

OP posts:
Original poster
shockedandawed · 11/01/2009 23:16

dhreadmythread so sorry you are going through this too. Hope you can keep strong. I was doing well till DD1 came in and asked if I was okay as I've not felt up to getting out of my bedroom all day.

OP posts:
LAUGHLOTS · 11/01/2009 23:33

Im going through the same. i found out my dh was having an affair, confronted him and like yr dh he denied it, and tried to make out i was mad. I asked him to leave and we are going through a divorce. i found out just after that he has in fact been unfaithful with different women for most of my marriage. I am still very numb and still cant actually believe it. he now is with the woman he originally denied seeing! i feel such a fool.

HolyGuacamole · 11/01/2009 23:45

Yay custardo! Fantastic words!!

Never fails to amaze me with these posts, the amount of women who come on saying they are going through the same thing

What is it with men? Makes me mad I wonder if at the start of the affair, if the man thinks of what he will say to DW if he gets caught? Or do they just think they will never get caught so they never have a story prepared? And why do they go through the painful process of slowly dripping out the truth instead of just coming clean and taking their medicine?

It sucks!

elastamum · 12/01/2009 00:08

Well done you shockandawed! Have been there myself, it is truly awful but you must get to the truth for your own sanity. Only then can you decide what you want to do. My H left ~ I told him to go and am now living on my own with the kids, Like most men who do this sort of thing, I dont think he realised what he had done until it was too late! Be strong, thinking of you

LAUGHLOTS · 12/01/2009 00:23

i think my dh is too proud to realise what he has actually done to me and our children. i hope he is finding life difficult.

Original poster
shockedandawed · 12/01/2009 00:33

Why do they compound the hurt with the lies? It's like they haven't twisted the knife quite far enough with the infidelity they have to keep going! It was ridiculous this morning playing "mobile phone tag" because he didn't want me to read the rest of the messages. He kept saying "let me have a look first" which means there must have been much worse on the phone before!

He's cried the tears and keeps telling me he never meant to hurt me - like that's some comfort. There might be a small part of him that's sorry about the hurt he's caused but I think at the moment he's mostly wallowing in self-pity because he was caught. Despite his assurances that he's told her it's over, I can tell he's lying cos his lips are still moving!

OP posts:
AbricotsSecs · 12/01/2009 00:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

KristinaM · 12/01/2009 00:37

next thing will be that they slept together but only once

then that it WAS more often but it was " only" sex he doesnt love her

and he woudl have finished it ages ago but she is a psycho and threatened to kill herself

its SOO insulting to the intelligence isn't it ? and for you

bigeyes · 12/01/2009 00:42

go custardo - listen she not daft I am to say

sorry I dont have much else to add but keep posting no matter what happens there is very supportive communicty for you here. x

Original poster
shockedandawed · 12/01/2009 01:46

Thanks everyone for your kind comments. I've had no sleep in the last couple of days with a baby and all this crap so I'm going to try to get some sleep. I'll need my wits about me tomorrow. Will post more tomorrow. x

OP posts:
dhreadmythread · 12/01/2009 02:22

hi shocked - still up? I'm in a different time zone so not that late for me. How old is your baby?

Original poster
shockedandawed · 12/01/2009 02:32

me too (different time zone that is) and can't sleep. She turned 6 months old yesterday. What a way to celebrate eh?

He's still denying having sex with the OW. Apparently she "supported" him. I only gave him 7 years of my life and bent over backwards to help him get on with his career. He only started working there in late August FFS and there are texts dating back to September. He just has no idea!

OP posts:
dhreadmythread · 12/01/2009 02:37

Crap isn't it. I think with my dh it really is just a stupid infatuation with both of them having their egos massaged by an attentive new 'friend'

My dh's OW is actually a friend of mine, her dd is one of my dds best friends!

Original poster
shockedandawed · 12/01/2009 02:49

for you and the dds. I don't understand how they can take leave of their senses so completely. My H is sticking with the psycho bunny boiler story for now and he swears he's telling the truth. It'll be interesting to see what tomorrow's version of "the truth" will be.

OP posts:
treedelivery · 12/01/2009 02:57

Just sending my support.

If you find yourself growing tired and wanting an easy route - just imagine your
daughter/son was telling you this. Then go kick ass.

Who cares what his truth is - he broke the rules and that's your truth. He can live in whatever land of right, wrong and shades of grey he likes. Let him see where it gets him.

And transfer all monies into a private account.

Am feeling warrior like for you. Hope you sleep.

dhreadmythread · 12/01/2009 03:27

Thanks, going to bed now, (got to get girls up for school tomorrow.) Hope you get some sleep.

ABloke · 12/01/2009 05:37

Very sorry to read this. Not surprised as I have experienced similar.

Listen to Custy, I didn't. I am still un-happy, the difference is my dc are old enough to be mentally bruised/messed up if I were to do something now.

alipiggie · 12/01/2009 05:50

Another one here who's been through the same thing. Sadly I believed him when he said it was over went to the counseling etc only to discover that he was still seeing the other woman. He's now an Ex and with yet another "love of his life". I'm still hurting though and my boys are too as he moved her into their lives so quickly.

Be strong. You are so not alone in this. I'm managing to be a single working mum 5000 miles away from my family. It's not easy but I'm giving my boys a far better life and I did it because I wanted their father to see them. In total last year. He had them for 38 nights . I will move on - this year is going to be MY year for moving on. God give me strength to do so. Life is so much better even with the bad bits. Just keep saying like I do ... I am worth so much more.