He followed the script!!!

[shockedandawed]

Namechanger.

First he didn't recognise the number and didn't know her. Then maybe she was trying to blackmail him. Then she was blackmailing him but nothing happened. Then I found the text messages and..... you guessed it, it was just a kiss(or three) that never meant anything and when he told her it was over she went psycho and threatened to tell me. He swears they never slept together. Says he loves me and the DDs doesn't want to lose us etc.

Begged me not to read the texts, begged me not to call her (he even disconnected the line into the house ). I called her number and she denied knowing him. I sent a text from his phone saying "Please don't tell my wife. Don't call, text me" and she sent 7 back saying she loves him and he loves her and she doesn't care what I think because they are together.

He works abroad, she lives there. I found out because I had a haunch (I guess it's true thata a wife always knows) and she called me but hung up. Going for full STI screening tomorrow. Calling my solicitor tomorrow. Then I need to wait and see how I feel I guess. Right now feel like I'm watching a movie. Any advice gratefully received.

This is me too. 24 hours ago we were a happy (i thought) family of 5 just doing fine. Now I have found out - and he admitted to - an affair which started several months ago when he began a new job and my life is just shattered. He has gone to work today to end it, so he says.
What is it with men, there are so many of us going through and been through the same thing. Bastards. Do they just behave like children and forget the boundaries in the excitement of finding someone who fancies them? And what is with her?? How can a married man with 3 young children possibly be a good catch. I am destroyed.

You need to get off to the STI clinic just like the OP

Another victim here. My life is horrible because he still works with his ego boosting little friend and that will never change. He part owns the firm and works closely with her every day,says nothing going on now (it was an emotional affair)but how can I believe that. I would have trusted him with my life after over 20 years but not anymore.

OhFeck and Mim - feeling very and for you. Some men must keep their brainss in their pants. Massive ego trip for them, big pile of shite for you.

god, so sorry.

Fresh Hell - Aren't you pregnant?

Feck, feel bad for you especially with young kids, mine are nearly grown up but all still at home. Not sure how I could have coped with it when they were younger, but h has lost a lot of his kids respect through all this. Is it worth what he has lost just because some one tells you that 'just the thought that he might touch them drives them crazy'?
This was from a high flying professional career woman married mum of 2 in her 40's not a lovesick teenager.

so sorry, having been through similar things serveral times i cant tell you he wont change, and will continue to lie and lie and lie, even when you have hard evidence. Then get angry with you, becuase you should trust them, so its your fault it all happened, as if you trusted him you would have never known. Then it is your fault for various crap reasons, and it was beacuse of you he did it, but again he never meant to hurt you, it wasnt his intention, he still loves you. It was just sex, and if you have a problem with that its your fault because you are a woman, and men can seperate sex and love, and if youcant you are a prude... and it goes on and on and on, more and more shit pouring out of their mouths.
I kicked my dh out a week before xmas. It is shit, id only just moved 80 miles up the road to be with him, now im going to have to move 80 miles back again. I was also meant to he starting a new job today, but have called in sick. Im ill and have had no sleep, i feel like throwing up - i dont know if i am actually ill, or its all the stress but i just feel like curling up in a ball and crying. DD is being a pain, i wished i could have dropped her off at playschool and had a few hours to myself. But i dont want to leave the house.

Not preg, I'm very sorry but I may have accidentally used a form of someone elses name. I am so sorry for any confusion. I am an occasional poster with a name which identifies me and I know a few people in RL who come on here. I am so humiliated I couldn't cope with anyone knowing. OP, I'm sorry for the hijack, I admire your anger, I am just as low as you can get I think, wish I could be angry.

Yes, you are right shoptilidrop. We have been here before many years ago and pre-children but it was an emotional affair back then. He even admits himself that he can't help it, he was the victim of an extremely bad childhood because of affairs and various other reasons, I can't believe he would put our children he adores through the same pain and destructiveness.

I am sitting here waiting for contact from him to see which way he will blow. When he left this morning he was going to end it and we were going to work things out but as the hours tick by and I hear nothing I am so afraid that when he talks to her he will change tack. I am not sure I can face the humiliation of telling people, outwardly we are the 'perfect' couple, together all our adult lives. He has destroyed my life. I thought he was my best friend.

oh so sorry, can you make an appt to see a solicitor?

i think you should take your future into your hands, you shouldn't be waiting on the thumbs up from him.

you need to think about finances etc.

its often a bit of an eye opener in conversations when they see that you have been doing your research.

feck - you should not be ashamed. It is not you who has done wrong. It is him. I do know how you feel though. Its hard. As i said im literally just moved here to be with him ( after we split up the last time) a new perfect house, in a perfect location, new perfect friends who knew nothing of the past. My lovely dd settled at a wonderful nursery on a farm in a lovely area. My new perfect job ( which i am meant to be at today) All shattered. Its not what i wanted, so desperatley not what i wanted, i wanted a perfect life, if not for me, then for dd. Which was why i took him back for the last time before, and why eventually after waiting 2 years to make sure he changed his ways i gave up everything i worked so hard for on my own to be a perfect family AND that is what hurts so much. Its almost like ive failed. But i know its not my fault, its not. Only tell the people who really need to know for now, they will support you. Its hard, but you dont have to tell everyone all the details.
And im sorry, but admitting that he cant help it is just another way of diverting the blame. Dont sit by and wait for him to make the decision ( ive been there too, but was waiting, while pregnant and in a different country), its time for you to take charge and create a new perfect life for yourselves. Its hard, and shitty, and i am having a bad day too, but yesterday i felt good and positive about the whole thing. You can do it, and dont deserve it.

Thank you so much for your support custardo and shoptilidrop. I am normally such a strong, organised and completely together person, I just can't face the break up of my family. So so sorry for your situation shop, it's a complete and utter nightmare. Selfish, egotistical fuckers the lot of them.

i know your whole world is broken. but if you can; please get to see a solicitor, if nothing else you can say to him
"i have arranged to see a solicitor next week so i can fully understand our financial and asset situation should the marriage end. I am particularly interested in the potition regarding the marital home existing debt and financial contributions, as well as the pension situation, i hope you understand. There is no harm in having facts to hand when considering our position"

same here. Noone would think for a second that i would take the amount of crap that i have. Noone knows the full extent og it, im too embarassed by my own failings, and i know it sounds so lame and pitiful. I should have kicked him out ages and ages ago, in fact should have never married him in he first place, but hey i was young, wide eyed and naieve. I just feel sorry for my dd as more than anything i did not want her to be from a broken home. Thats what breaks my heart.
It makes me angry that he has showed me so little respect, i could never have done this to him, - but he feels very little guilt or remorse, as, as i said, there is always a reason that makes it my fault. He is a twat, that will never change, and i took the power off him when i kicked him out ( something i had never done before, it was always me begging and pleading for him to stay) But im worth more than that, and so are you. My dd will be fine, and ill try to make her life as good as i can, and when she is older i will tell her everything and then tell her im sorry that i couildnt give her all i wanted to, but i did the best i could.
You do know that if you take him back, he will just do it again dont you. He will know he can get away with it and it wont be long before it happens again. Any respect he has for you will be gone.

Money wise, i have found that its really not that bad as long as you are working and he is paying maintance, tax credits are a real help. But i suspect that is the last thing on yourmind right now.

Thanks again everyone. I've managed to get a few hours of sleep. I feel so wrecked by all this I just don't know that I (can't even bear to think of us as "we" anymore) can get past this in this marriage. Need to call solicitor now but will post more later. Thanks again.

Shop, I followed your thread too and my heart goes out to you. I take strength from your courage. OhFeck, custy and the others talk a lot of sense. I realised immediately yesterday that it is sooooo easy for them to make a fool of you if you let them! H said to me last night about my parents "I guess everyone one knows about our dirty laundry" so I corrected him immediately. It is his dirty laundry and he should have the fucking backbone to admit it.

shocked, so sorry for you too. Ive got nothing more to say - its all shit really isnt it.
Feck - honestly, i was just thinking about telling everyone. Its really not as bad as it is for me. Ive told some family and some old work collegues as i asked for my old job back ( oh the shame) I cannot face telling anyone else at the min. In sept i was all smug, going off to start my new perfect life, in what i consider to be the most perfect place to live. Yes i was smug, i felt that we had worked on our marriage, it had been really really hard, but i thought it made me a better person and our relationship stonger. I thought i was better than those that give up so easily. To those that did know most of our history i told how happy we were, howm uch stronger, how he had tried to make things up and how after 2 years of taking things slow, we were finally a proper perfect family. I cannot face telling those people. I cant, not yet, not for a good while i think. They will laugh at me. In some way i feel its my own fault.. i believed his lies again - i dont know how i can ever ever trust anyone ever again.
Im sorry i am having a really bad day, as i said ive called in sick for my first day at work. I dont know how i can start there when i know ill be leaving so soon. But i have to, i need to have some money behind me. I look like shit, and feel like it too, and from somewhere i need to find the strength to get through this, but want i really want to do is hide.

It's the broken home that terrifies me, and the loneliness. I absolutely can't bare the thought of shuffling our beautiful and bright children between access visits and awful handovers. They deserve so much more than that. I still haven't heard from him, just want to turn back the clock.

shockedandawed, you sound very strong. Outwardly I am going through the motions but inwardly I am crumbling. Your anger and indignation is something you can channel and I hope you get everything sorted and he realizes what an almighty mess he's made.

shoptilidrop, you've done such a brilliant job of taking control and making moves to sort your own life. I hope I have that strength.

I still haven't heard from him. My mind is in turmoil. I just can't tell anyone. My parents are abroad at the moment and we moved for this bloody job so no real friends close by. This thread is the only thing keeping me going, thank you.

OhFeck, please tell someone. Better yet,make him tell the person besides you that he's closest to. I realised quickly that H was trying to compartmentalise and justify. It's not real to them until they confess it to someone whose disappointment they fear.

H is begging for another chance and is even offering to quit his job to save the marriage. He has agreed to sign over all marital assets to my name. The way I see it, whether I decide we have a future together or not, he's given up any right to decide what happens to the assets we've built together especially as I've contributed the lion's share! The last thing I want is a surprise child turning up years down the line trying to stake a claim in my children's inheritance.

Speaking to solicitor was good as it provided some much needed clarity. I've revoked his powers of attorney and made my DDs the only beneficiaries to my estate so hopefully they'll be protected no matter what. The more I think about this the angrier I get.

well done shocked, you have done really well to get that sorted. use the anger aganist him for something positive. I know you are probably feeling really really numb at the mommnet - i know i am, then i have good days and bad days.
Do you think you will give him another chance???? How will yu trust him? Im just going to say what happened with me, so you can draw your own conclusions from it.
Dh begged and pleaded for another chance, i said i couldnt promise anything, but would just spend time with him and would see what would happen. He said he was glad it had all happened, he wanted to be a family, would never lie again, would never cheat, knew how terribly he had behaved etc... etc... had cut all contact with any of these women, was ready to be a family again and how happy he was. however, on the day i kicked him out, he said that this was all lies too, he was just telling me what i wanted to hear.. for 2 years! I dont know how he could be so deceptive for so long.. and why i was stupid enough to belive him....... anyway, take from that anything you can.
I think you have been very strong in what you have achieved today.

Feck - how are you holding up?

any news feck?

I'm feeling so sad right now. Like my whole world has fallen apart. He just called her to tell her they are finished and she says they are not. Apparently she's not done with him yet. So even if I give him another chance, she'll be a permanent fixture in our lives - she keeps calling to harrass me - and I don't need that fight. I need my energy for my DDs. I think he only now just realises what he's done all for "a bit of harmless fun" - his words, not mine. I do actually feel sorry for him but he made this bed and I can't really help him with that. I need to sort my shit out first and then decide what to do.

Jesus

NOBODY will laugh at you!! Your real friends will be shocked that after you giving him another chance, that he has went and done it again. No one respects a man that can do that to his children, never mind his wife. The shame is his, not yours. Do not ever take one shred of blame for this. I don't find any justification for affairs. If someone is not happy in a relationship, they can work at it without involving someone else or they can walk away.

As for the broken home scenario, no it is not ideal but IMO it is best for the children. I don't like the term 'broken home', it is such a negative term for something that is not necessarily a bad thing. Choosing the 'broken hone' route could be the best choice you ever make. Take it from someone whose mother stayed in such a marriage for the sake of the kids. It doesn't work, kids know what is happening even if you don't tell them, they know 'something' is not right.

These men have it the way they want it, they make clear choices when they get into bed with someone else. I get sick of hearing "it just happened".....not it did not! A choice was made. Then when they get caught, they spin a web of lies and put the blame on you. They cry and make you feel sorry for them. They suck up your ass by tidying the house and acting all lame and pitiful.

Take one lady who was cheated on whilst seeing her boyfriend....what does she do? She marries him. Then after a couple of years, he cheats again, what does she do? Renews the vows. He cheats again, what does she do? She has a child.

It has to stop somewhere and you are now the one with the choices. Take your time, work through your emotions because they will change daily from feeling pathetic to feeling extreme anger and everything in between.

I am sorry for everyone on this page that this has happened to, it is not fair, you and your children did not deserve this

shocked - im so sorry. Do not for one second feel sorry for him, as untimatley it is you and your family that pay the price.
How can it be harmless fun - he was risking his marriage, his life, your childrens lifes and everyones feelings - thats hardley harmless is it.

Why is she harassing you?? i dont get that..... it seems like it is going to be messy. Try to stay strong, and i wouldnt listen to anything he says.. how can he tell you that she says shes not done with him yet - wtf is that meant to mean... i would not believe all that he is saying.