How do I deal with the inequality in our relationship?

[TheSeriousSanta]

My DH works away every week (leaved before 6am monday, back late Friday night).

We have a 6 month old son, so I have cared for DS alone since he was born. You don't need to be a mind reader to know I don't go out much at all during the week.

We also have a dog and he has two older kids.

Since DS was born, DH has spent many of the weekends at home in a grump, barely speaking. I thought things were getting better, but this week just gone was a bit of a nightmare. On Sunday, we ended up having a ig argument and DH told me that he was unhappy because I don't do enough around the house.

1. I look after DS single handedly and still do 99% of childcare on weekends (nappy changes, feeds, baths etc)
2. We have a dog and I do 100% walking, feeding, toileting etc.
3. I keep the house in a reasonable state (don't have cleaners) during the week.

DH doesn't think there should be any housework (and this includes larger / one off jobs like cleaning the cooker/ oven) nor should there be any ironing.

I have also gone back to work because DH is quite protective of 'his' money and I don't feel comfortable spending it.

FWIW, I help out ALOT with his DSDs when they ar here.

SO, after a horrid weekend, where we have barely spoken (other to argue) I am now in with a (very!) whingey baby who for whatever reason won't settle to anything and he's just called me to say he's off out to dinner and have a few drinks.

I know I'm having a massive rant, but it just feels like I get the rough end of the deal here, and it also feels like DH actually prefers being away to being home at the mo.

How do I try putting it right? I have tried talking to him but he either (i) blanks me (ii) tells me I'm ranting (iii) tells me I'm over egging the whole thing.

I just feel totally fed up with the whole thing and the baby is screaming AGAIN for the twentieth time today.

I won't patronise you with advice as I don;t have experience of this. However, I didn't want you to go unanswered.
I'm sending a virtual bottle red and big box of chocs X

THanks Littleoldme... Red wine and chocs much appreciated!!

I'd also lke to point out that I work freelance (so in the evenings after DS goes to sleep) as ohterwise working wouldn't deal with childcare costs, so I really am on the go pretty much full time.

The house IS clean, tidy, clothes washed (but not ironed) etc., I wouldn't have a problem with any guests turning up unexpectedly IYSWIM.

I was in a similar postion with my now ex when dd was a baby. He needs to have a day at home with the baby, while you go out shopping and leave him a list of jobs.

Oh dear. He does seem to think that you are a domestic applicance, and that cleaning his house and caring for his son is what you are for.
You are getting the rough end of the deal if you are alone all week doing housework and childcare and when he comes back he expects you to do more housework and childcare while he enjoys himself. Unfortunately many men feel that because they are in paid employment, they are the most important person in their households and own the other people, who must obey, placate and indulge them.

Given that he is mean with money as well (and presumably thinks you should clean, cook, look after your baby and service your husband for nothing but board and lodging) I think you should find out all your legal rights ASAP and make plans to end this relationship. A selfish man who treats you with this much contempt and who doesn't actually consider you as a human being (he thinks you are a 'woman' ie a lesser being than him) is never gong to improve.

OK.... Thanks for the comments...

I do think leaving him for a day would be a good idea, but (i) it's not long enough for him to HAVE to do the housework too and (ii) I wory about the dog, as DH can't stand him and doesn't like to do anything for him.

Secondly, and I know that without further explanation I am probably going to get flamed for this, but I am not going to leave him. I need ways to deal with this without even considering leaving.

It's a long story, which I'm not going to go into here. But me choosing to leave is not an option I'm prepared to even consider.

Sorry, I know that's probably hard to understand, but there are reasons behind that (and not massively sinister ones like he'll kill me or anything - I haven't name changed or anything)

Thanks, TSS x

don't accept it. Just stop doing everything. At weekends expect him to do half of all chores and during the week just attend to yourself and ds. Leave all big joint jobs for when he is around.

Also stop allowing him to pretend he can have "his own" money at your expense. Demand that finances are shared and decisions made jointly.

Know your rights before you do this and leave him if he continues to treat you like his skivvy

if you won't consider leaving you have no leverage, so you will fail

Skidoodle - the idea of jointly making decisions is unlikely to go down well at all.

I'm afraid I do wonder whether I will fail, or even if this is some sort of test to see what I'll put up with before I would consider leaving.

I can't see that you can ever have an equal relationship if one person will accept any amount of ill treatment but not leave and the other knows it

It's a recipe for abuse.

Where does your self-respect come from if you have no boundary, no line that is your limit?

I would hate to be married to someone like that. I would lose respect for them

Present him with a weekly bill for half of everything you. If he complains tell him to employ someone to do his half or do it himself. Then divorce him.

Skidoodle - You are not my DH.

We made a pact when we got married and, I believe, he knows I wouldn't ever leave. Or even consider it.

I don't believe he thinks he is doing anything wrong.

I need a way to make him understand, As capricasix says, that weekend is precious time (for instance: right now, he won't come walking with us cos he doesn't want to walk a dog (he dislikes the dog) but I try to explain that he could come and feed the ducks and the dog is really no trouble (he really is a good dog)

I don't WANT to leave (or to threaten to leave) I just want someway to make him understand that I actually do an awful lot and probably deserve a little more respect and a little less earache...

thanks, TSS xx

I know it's what's always said ... but is couples' counselling an option? The combination of expecting you to do everything, feeling unhappy with what you do (which sounds like a lot, tbh!), and being mean with money ... ugh ...

Whose dog is it, anyway? The dog sounds like a bit of a problem - does it predate the DH? (That being said, I like the dog better than I like your DH, from what I know. )

Record what you do on a hour by hour grid one week and then discuss with him. It might be easier for him to comprehend than an abtstract statement about how busy you are.

This sounds terrible, Santa

What possesses him to think that he can behave this way? I can't see any easy way to change things unless he is willing to take you (and your more-than-justified feelings) seriously.

I hope this thread helps somehow though.

No, DH will not go to counselling. Part of the long story, I'm afraid.

I do appreciate I've probably set myself up for a lot of this and DH is now expecting perfection or he's not happy (In fact, I think perfection falls short of his expectations)

I'm not saying it's reasonable.

But, in the greater part, I created it and I need to solve it.

How did you create it? It takes two people for a situation like this to occur.

you can't make him understand anything. You can make your case, say what it is you expect and then he will respond to that.

If you've already asked him to not be an utter shite and he hasn't done as you've asked, you're out of options

Oh and clearly I'm nothing like your husband. As I said, I wouldn't like being married to someone I didn't respect

What did your pact consist of, when you got married? Did it say "I will do virtually all of the work, you will be a grumpy git and I will put up with it"? If so then he seems to be within his contractual rights.

If he doesn't want to do any housework at weekends, will he fund someone else to do it? If not, are you prepared to do it?

Why are you accepting that he should be protective of 'his' money? Don't you enable him to earn it by looking after his child (and yours) and assisting with the looking after of his other children?

It feels like you would want to subscribe to the surrendered wife model of marriage. I'm not saying that isn't a valid model, it wouldn't work for me but clearly does for some people. But the model comes with specific roles and responsibilities that you both need to agree.

You should also print out this thread. He needs to read it.

NQC - It's MY dog, absolutely, but doesn't actually predate DH. But, I did use DSDs to persuade DH to get the dog.

Now DSDs are older (and no longer want the dog) DH would like rid too.

I love the dog and do treat him like a member of the family (as I feel pets ought to be)

Dittany - Yes

Skidoodle - please don't post anymore.

thanks,